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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

302 replies

Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:45

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

OP posts:

Thoosa · 17/01/2022 23:24

He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see.

Once you have a child there is a 99% chance that the idea that a parent “doesn’t want to” pursue all avenues to maintain contact with their child will completely blow your mind and run counter to all your instincts.

Parents who cheerfully decide not to pursue contact with their children are, by definition, very poor parents.

KurtWilde · 17/01/2022 23:27

He's taken the easy option because his childfree life is more appealing than the one where he has to actually fight for his kids and be a parent. He absolutely didn't need to move 190 miles away from his kids, surely they were more than enough to keep him in that area!!

He moved because it made HIS life easier to leave those responsibilities behind him, then complain that his ex was being difficult.

BitcherOfBlakiven · 17/01/2022 23:30

Ffs.

He’s a piece of shit.

Abandoned them to move 190 miles away when there was no need.

Has enough to buy a house but cba with court.

Selfish, lazy, arsehole.

And of course pays CMS because he has no choice, they’d automatically deduct it from his wage if he didn’t.

Amberheartkitty · 17/01/2022 23:34

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others. Lots of different situations and circumstances but it happens quite alot.

nocoolnamesleft · 17/01/2022 23:34

His ex didn't know he was a deadbeat dad when she chose to have children with him. You do know. For god's sake don't get pregnant.

Berrybear · 17/01/2022 23:37

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others.

Genuinely, how does that work? If they are actively choosing not to be in the lives of some of their children then they are consciously preventing their children from having relationships with their siblings. How does that equate with being a fantastic father?

Wafflesnsniffles · 17/01/2022 23:40

My exh is now living with his fiance. He hasnt made any effort at all to see our daughter for an entire year now. It baffles me that he could abandon her the way he has. And that his fiancé is apparently fine about it - not bothered that she is marrying a man who never paid any child support to his children (15 years worth of money he hasnt ever paid) and hasnt made contact with his daughter in a year.

Hes moved on. Hes apparently fine about it. What about his children and how they feel?

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2022 23:44

This is so true.

If you stick around you’ll get pregnant and be filled with hopes and dreams for your baby, then you’ll give birth and look into their tiny beautiful face and feel overwhelmed with such a powerful instinct to protect them from anything that would hurt them you know you’d be willing to kill for them. Literally kill for them. Never mind go to court for them. Or stay living near them. And you’ll find yourself looking at him thinking what part of your heart or soul is missing that somewhere out there are your two other precious children, part of you, and you don’t give a shit and just walked away. And you’ll judge him. Life will be easier day to day as you can both pretend his older children don’t exist and your baby won’t be sharing his attention. But you’ll feel it in your gut that it’s not right and he’s not the man you deserve.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2022 23:45

@Amberheartkitty

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others. Lots of different situations and circumstances but it happens quite alot.

What explains that?

giggly · 17/01/2022 23:46

If you marry this man and bring another child into his mess your an absolute idiot and no doubt back on here in a couple of years seeking further advice.
Don’t be one of those women op.

KurtWilde · 17/01/2022 23:48

@Wafflesnsniffles it beggars belief doesn't it, that they can 'move on' in that way and that someone can happily live with them knowing they've abandoned their kids.

Exh barely sees our DD, and when he does (like tonight) he's pretty much incapable of putting her first. He didn't see her at all throughout lockdown #1 and #2 because he was busy setting up his new relationship. The new gf didn't seem phased by the fact that he prioritised her over our 11 year old. In fact she hasn't even met her.

OP have you even met his children? He's acting like they don't exist, are you ok with the possibility that perhaps one day he'll act like YOUR children don't exist either?

Wafflesnsniffles · 17/01/2022 23:53

KurtWilde totally.

Exh recently emailed and said he is busy decorating atm but she would be welcome to visit once that is done. Because decorating is more important obviously. Priorities!

spotcheck · 17/01/2022 23:53

@Amberheartkitty

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others. Lots of different situations and circumstances but it happens quite alot.

Which makes them unreliable.

My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation

That's the most irresponsible thing I've heard in a really long time!

Berrybear · 17/01/2022 23:58

This is spot on.

The time that DP did not see his children was awful. I was so worried about what would happen if he never saw them again because it was literally like there was a part of him missing. It was heartbreaking to see the impact of being prevented from being with his kids.
When I first had DD I actually said to him that I had always thought I understood how he felt about not seeing them, but it wasn't until I had her that I realised just how much pain he was really in and totally understood why not having them in his life left a huge void. If DP never saw DSC again, I know he would never have been able to be truly happy again. I think that would be the normal emotional response to not seeing your children. To be able to emotionally disconnect the way your fiancé has would seriously concern me.

Rtmhwales · 17/01/2022 23:59

I couldn't have children with someone like that.

My dad did the same with his first two DC. Then met my mum and said it was XYZ that the ex did and he had to move away because of ABC and blah blah. Then he did the exact same thing to my brother and I at ages 4 and 5. History repeats.

I0NA · 18/01/2022 00:00

Please listen to the advice on this thread OP. I know it’s not what you want to hear.

But this man has shown you what he is like as a human being and as a father.

Skeumorph · 18/01/2022 00:27

@Amberheartkitty

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others. Lots of different situations and circumstances but it happens quite alot.

They are the ones who aren't 'fantastic fathers' at all... they're playing that role, being that person, because it suits them right then. If circumstances changed, if it wasn't in THEIR best interests to be within a family in that place and that time... they'd drop them.

It just is the way some men people are. They don't love their children. They put themselves first. They are fully capable of letting them down horrendously. If they're there being 'fantastic dads' - it's because it benefits them.

Like I said, friend now regrets having kids with one like this. He was charm personified. She wishes to god she'd seen his idea of what your kids should mean to you as the red flag it was.

Thoosa · 18/01/2022 00:44

@Amberheartkitty

I know lots of men that are fantastic fathers to some of their kids. And have nothing to do with others. Lots of different situations and circumstances but it happens quite alot.

Then they aren’t fantastic fathers.

I think it’s a bit like the saying that a parent is as happy as their most unhappy child.

A parent is as good a parent as they are to the child they treat worst. Children aren’t disposable. You can’t just decide that some offspring count and others don’t.

Flickflak · 18/01/2022 00:50

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

SpikeySmooth · 18/01/2022 01:00

You knew his history yet you still went ahead and bought a house with him. My advice to you is, RUN.

Popstarrrrr · 18/01/2022 01:06

Your situation is very similar to mine. He also emotionally disconnected, although pays maintenance and a pays towards a savings plan for the kids.

What I have learnt though is that running away is how he deals with every complex problem. He doesn't have the emotional maturity or resilience to deal with hard stuff in any aspect of his life. I find it very frustrating, clearly the same as his exw who is a professionally accomplished woman, effectively a single parent and was the one who left him. I no longer query why she left, more how the fuck did she last so long?

Despite us talking about having children, once his situation was clearer to me, I knew I would be a muppet to have kids with this man. Same as you, completely unfair for any of the children not to know their siblings and how can the children who have been abandoned reconcile the fact their father had more children? I was 40 when we got together so my chance for more children has now passed. Sometimes I resent him very much.

Why am I still with him? That is a question I am asking myself with some seriousness.

icecreamgirl94 · 18/01/2022 01:33

This could have been written about my uncle. He has 2 DC with ex wife and hasn’t seen them for years, but is happily married to second wife and lavishes attention on the 2 DC he has with her. Personally I think he’s a scumbag and I hope his DC never try to make contact with him, they’ll only be disappointed as he was never overly interested in them even when he was with their mum. His second wife is absolute poison so I’m not surprised that she’s ok with this, but honestly I do struggle to see how a normal, caring human being could ever think that a man like this was someone they wanted to be with and start a family with.
My own parents split when I was a teen, my mother had an affair and my dad was gutted. She pretty much took him to the cleaners and all he could afford in our area was a 1 bed flat. He could’ve got something much better for the same price if he’d moved out of area but he stayed close to my sister and I which meant he slept on the sofa whenever we stayed over which ended up being more often than not as we got older. If anything our mother emotionally distanced herself from us over the years and is now barely present in our lives and has very little contact with her grandchildren. My dad was and still is the most fantastic parent and grandparent and we are very lucky to have him (and his lovely partner). He is what a proper father should be, your partner really isn’t I’m afraid.

MintJulia · 18/01/2022 01:48

Op, be really careful. This is a man who can't be bothered to go to court, can't be bothered to insist on being part of his children's lives, who can't be bothered to keep in contact with the school and someone who spins you 'crazy ex' stories.
There are red flags half way up the street. He is not a person to have children with. Don't fall for the bullshit.

Tell him to get off his bottom, apply to the family court for an access order and step up as a dad. If he doesn't, take a long hard look. That is what you would be lumbering your future children with. Don't go there.

Flowers500 · 18/01/2022 02:07

Sorry but you should really be asking what the hell has gone wrong with you for you to think this is ok?? Do you have any self esteem or standards? Is pondlife an acceptable partner if it has the same hobbies as you? He literally abandoned his own children, and you think he’s someone to build a life with? Get some serious help for yourself

NoRaceInThisHorse · 18/01/2022 02:14

He's a scumbag.
Any children you have, deserve a good father, and this man has already proved he isn't that. Don't subject any more children to him.

I bet his ex has a very different story, too.

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