Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

@Nancylove12

He moved back home as he moved with ex to be closer to her family but relationship fell apart less than a year later and was rocky beforehand . He works in finance and we have brought a home together. We get on very well and spend every evening and weekend together mostly. We have date nights although when your childless it's not as big of a thing as its just normal. We have mutual hobbies and enjoy our life.

People who think HOBBIES are more important than any sense of values or basic human dignity. People who would make a life with someone due to DATE NIGHTS when you know they’ve abandoned their own children and can’t be fucked to be there for them. Seriously, consider your values in life. Why are they so ridiculously vacuous? Do you want a partner to have any morals, be someone who will be there through thick and thin? Or should they just be someone with HOBBIES you can do together. Get some sense of a moral core.

yes lovely hes spending every evening and weekend with you and his hobbies. how lovely.. that his children get to grow up wondering why theyre daddy ditched them.

nothing in the world could stop me being near my children!!

but i think when you have children then youll realise how strange it is to be okay not to have access to your kids.

You know how people get yelled at on here for telling a step mum that 'you knew what you are getting into'

Well you do, you are actively picking a parent for your child who can move on and not give a crap. If he did he would have gone to court, he didn't even try to fight for them.

You are knowingly picking a dad for your child who is completely capable of abandoning them. Something that is incredibly traumatic for a child and will affect them for the rest of their life.

When your a parent every single part of you wants to save your children from heartache.

You have no excuses, you know what he's capable of. Do better for your children.

Sorry I don't know how anyone could "move on" from their children.

I'd be heartbroken for the rest of my life if I couldn't see my son.

On the plus side, if you marry and have kids with this man, then split up, it sounds like he'll never trouble you or your kids again. Shit for the kids though.

My DH had a nasty divorce, his ex was a cow who used the children as a weapon and a cash cow. I know this first-hand as we worked together whilst this was happening (I'm not the OW).

He fought, through the courts, every step of the way. There was no option for him. He rented a 3 bed house so they had bedrooms, even though she was denying access. It cost him 15k for a contact agreement. He lived eating plain pasta, had no social life, no interest/hobbies as all his money went on CMS, paying the rent and mortgage on his ex house snd lawyers fees. In all honesty, it was his fight to see his kids that attracted me to him (amongst other things).

If this man is not willing to do anything and everything to have his kids in his life it would be a huge red flag for me.

Personally I’d find it terrifying to be with someone who can disconnect so easily from his own children. If he can to that with his own offspring, he can do it to you, and any children you produce.

He might say all the right things that will make you believe he’s fully committed to you, but I expect that there was once a time when he felt like he was fully committed to his children and it was clearly meaningless.

Someone that can do this to their own children is not a good person. Nor are they someone that should have more children.

My dad abandoned kids after every failed relationship. He was ‘to upset’ to keep contact

There was always some woman lonley enough to take him in and believe it would be different and how it wasn’t his fault. As soon as all us kids got to an age that we realise that he didn’t care enough to try we to stopped to and then he whined it was the mums fault for our disinterest.

He’s 77 now and whines about how lonely he is and how he’s not close to his kids and never met grandchildren.

He should be fighting tooth and nail to see his kids. Don’t have another one with him!

He abandoned his own children. I would not touch him with a barge pole.

He has parental responsibility legally and should he taken this to court, I cannot imagine fair access would not have been given.
I do understand some people don't have that fight in them but if he can walk away from those 2 kids he will walk away from yours if the shit hits the fan.

I couldn't be with a man like this. Weak and selfish.

My ex is usless and moved 200 miles away but comes up every other weekend and stays local and holidays collects my DC to stay at his so it can be done.

Most parents would walk through fire for their children. Some parents don't give a shit about their children. You know which type you are choosing.

This man is completely unacceptable as a partner, for reasons I don't believe I need to labour. By all means feel free to marry and have children with him but if he repeats his past behaviour you can't say you didn't see it coming.

Red flag.

You don't give up and 'move on' from your kids simply because they are issues. The solution would have been to take his ex to court for not respecting his right to see his children as agreed.

If he can't be bothered to do that, it tells you everything.

Also why did he decide to move so far away from his children? this was always going to cause problems and it tells you that his kids were never his priority.

Why would you want to have a child with this man?

I've seen both sides of the coin regarding PA. So my lovely DP's ex is awful about him to his kids. The older kids definitely saw him as the bad guy. He has never given up on them. He makes effort with them and tries to see them as often as he can. He cries about losing time with them growing up. We had one full time & the other 2 over 50% but it wasn't 100% and that made him so sad! Then we have my ex, who spent most of his time with my DD's shouting about how awful I was. They stopped going. Sometimes he will do birthday/ Christmas sometimes he won't. He won't return their text and basically doesn't try. If a Father loves his kids he will keep going despite rejection. He will use every opportunity to connect. Think very carefully before you have a child with this man as patterns often repeat.

Op, he walked away when his children were 3 and 1.

When you have children you'll realise that those ages are the hardest so it's highly likely it all became too much for him...perhaps not enough time for himself and hobbies??

I have known men who have done this and every single one has eventually left subsequent families. The timeframe differs BUT the end result was always the same.

The fact that he is emotionally disconnected shows he isn't able to form long term attachments. It's also concerning he has no guilt over walking away.

It shows that when something gets "too hard" he will walk away. I imagine your life now is lovely, low stress, lots of time and money, no ill health. When that changes (which will happen with babies) he will be different to you.

Be completely honest with yourself...is your instinct telling you something is wrong??

Please listen to your gut.

Op he’s an ass easy as that who in their right mind moves that far away from their kids then decides aw it’s too hard lets just drop them nope

I started off sympathetic, my ex SIL who I was very close to left my brother and their kids became a weapon. She made it impossible for him to see them. She'd go off on benders most weekends leaving the kids with her parents whilst my brother was desperate to see them. He took her to court and had to sell his house to manage the court fees but he got his kids back. He has them 80% of the time now, she didn't seem overly interested once hurting him was no longer part of the reason to have them.

It is a sad truth that some women use their kids as a way to hurt their partners, and it is true that some mums feel entitled to their kids and don't want to be in their marriage anymore but don't want to give up their kids so they make it hard for the dad. However if he hasn't taken any legal advice, then he hasn't tried everything. If he moved hours away, he didn't really try that hard at all. I could never be with a man who neglected his children, that is just a non negotiable for me as it says far too much about their character.

No, I've asked and doesn't want to
That would lead me to doubt everything he said about the situation and how it is only the fault of the ex and nothing to do with his actions.

Many fathers would have chosen to stay local rather than me 190 miles away however hard it was just because moving so far away with kids who are still much too small to travel regularly and at an age that they still need regular contact to bond never goes well.

He seems to have made a point of portraying himself as a victim to you. Do you fully believe that he is?

It's a couple of hundred pounds to go to court you can self represent seriously if your beloved children arnt worth that then neither are you

It's so easy to ditch a child my first child's father has done it twice he stopped coming blamed me and people believed him because I moved house EIGHT YEARS LATER I "proved him right" apparently

My sons dad moved away moved on to this girl and that girl has them when he wants to show off his parenting skills rarely sees them but "misses them"

Can only add to what is being said. If someone tried to take my DS from me, there is no way I could live knowing there was an avenue I hadn't tried. I would do every single thing in my power and spend all the money I had, and a good deal of the money I don't have, just to see him for an hour a month, and I'd be miserable for every single other hour. That is what loving a child feels like, and if your DP doesn't love his other children, what guarantee is there that he will love yours?

Going to court is the main way you win access to your children. What his ex is doing is shitty (if true) but if he won in court what she's doing would actually be illegal. She wouldn't be able to do it. And if he lost he'd be in the same position he's in now. So why the reluctance? Is it possible that he's lying?

The fact he isn't bothered about taking legal steps says it all. How can you lose fight for your children. He should've taken her to Court as soon as she started messing around with contact arrangements, at the very least mediation. I don't believe this losing your fight for your children nonsense. I'm going through the family court now and nothing more could spur me on than my child.
I'm sorry to sound harsh, but how can you respect a man who doesn't have fight for his children, does this not paint a picture of what life would be like if you and him had a child and split up?

It sounds very much like your life with him is a neat little package with your date nights and shared hobbies but remember he is showing you who he really is.

He is cold hearted and able to switch himself off. Is this the kind of man you want to have a child with, or even be with. He sounds like a robot.

Also you say he moved to be close to his family, but his children are his family. Again, when you have children you'll realise that they become your main family.