Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

It doesn't when you get to the Barrister stage and the judge insists you get legal rep.

Ah well. Best not to bother and just abandon his kids just in case it gets to that point (even though huge numbers of people sort agreements before getting anywhere near that)…

@Nancylove12

I do agree system needs changing, court orders are readily ignored and the parent suffering had to shell out more money. Parents should be held accountable for stopping contact to one up their ex.

HE MOVED 190 MILES AWAY FROM HIS CHILDREN.

BEFORE "his ex was mean" and messed him about with contact, which was probably in no small part because he walked away and abandoned then and made it clear how dreadful and useless a parent he was. You can't parent toddler's from 190 miles away. That is a distant relative relationship.

Your fiance is a terrible father, a selfish, immature prick. If you stay with him and have children with you are a fool. He will do the same to you, you will absolutely deserve that too. Your children won't, however, and that will be more children whose lives he has ruined, with your backing.

My goodness I really think some and projecting and no one knows for sure what will happen if we have children. It's completely different circumstances. I don't think your ex moving to is an excuse to do all you can to alienate the father of your kids.

@Doyoumind

Actually, I have been to court many times thanks to a manipulative and abusive ex and have been represented by a solicitor, barrister and self represented so I do know what I'm talking about. OP's fiance did absolutely nothing to get this resolved. There was no divorce. This was simply about child contact arrangements and he didn't do the bare minimum to try to ensure contact continued and has let it stop completely without taking any steps to prevent that.

That is simply untrue and shows you have not read what I have stated !! My partner set out a contact agreement and made sure to adhere to it. It was the ex that didn't.

To get a court order isn't easy and it does cost alot of money. It's not as simple as represent yourself we are not lawyers and have never dealt with courts before. And actually update ,partner did pay for mediation before I met him as contact was getting threatened i asked him and he reminded me the letter was ignored by ex ???

Well bringing up a DC costs a lot of money as well OP so I’d make it a condition that before I had DC with him that he paid the court and solicitors fees to get formal access for the DC he already has,

How are you going to explain to your future DC that Daddy has DC he doesn’t have any contact with?

There’s no way I’d have children with a man like this until he’d exhausted all avenues which he hasn’t. It seems to be out of sight, out of mind.

@Nancylove12 I am telling you, from my own experiences, it is very easy to make a child arrangements application. The forms are simple. A hearing will be set. A section 7 will likely be ordered. Both parties will be interviewed by Cafcass. Cafcass make recommendations to the court. I know all of this because I've done it myself. It is not a difficult process and I didn't pay a penny in legal fees either. There is absolutely no reason why two intelligent people can't navigate this. It's just excuses.

@Nancylove12

My goodness I really think some and projecting and no one knows for sure what will happen if we have children. It's completely different circumstances. I don't think your ex moving to is an excuse to do all you can to alienate the father of your kids.

Quite, so you take her to court.

So you just remembered one time before he met you, he paid for mediation but THE EX ignored the letter???

It's all about HER isn't it.
Notice how much that happens when someone doesn't give a shit about their kids.
He's got you focused on HER. Instead of his kids.
He's shown you he has no interest he's told you he wants to move on from his kids.

His 8 year old and 6 year old that he's barely seen in years.
Because hes over them, wants to just move on and make babies with you and forget about them.

You started off this thread with your gut feeling his behaviour was off.
You are ending it sticking up for him.

If you think you are so special that he won't do it to you, have his babies, but you would be very naive given he has shown you who he is, but what more can we say?

I wouldnt knowingly choose that for my own kids, and you will likely regret it and be put off of him once you experience the love you have for your child when it's born.

It will likely make you even more confused as to why he could simply switch it off when it comes to his other children.

People have tried to make you understand but you just aren't getting it.
Nevermind..

To get a court order isn't easy and it does cost alot of money. It's not as simple as represent yourself we are not lawyers and have never dealt with courts before

For 13 years I supported Dp back and forth to court, We are not Lawyers and not once did we pay for any sort of legal representation.

You really don't know what you are talking about.

And as for mediation, over those 13 years not once did mediation happen.

If You get the papers and actually read them You will see. Mediation is advised in some cases but not all.

To get a court order isn't easy and it does cost alot of money. It's not as simple as represent yourself we are not lawyers and have never dealt with courts before

Think of the money he's saved by not seeing or supporting his children. He could be saving that up.

No swimming lessons, school tights, pound for non uniform days. No ice creams at the beach, puncture repair kits for their bikes. No comic on a Saturday afternoon or yet another warm coat. No replacing all of their shoes all at once because their feet have grown. No petrol driving them to various sports.

OP I'm sorry but you're kidding yourself here. I get that you and he might have a good relationship as it stands right now but in terms of him as a father he's shown that he is easily capable of moving on from them with little effort/fight to maintain a relationship with them. You're ignoring that and finding excuses because you like what he and you have, but I honestly don't know how you could be happy to have children in with someone who didn't fight (actually fight) for the ones he already has.

Plenty of people who aren't lawyers self-represent in court. You can also get a mackenzie friend as another poster suggested, there are many who specialise in this exact area. And sorry but to say that the letter was ignored is really weak. My partner had to send multiple letters requesting mediation, all were ignored and so he went to court because when someone is stopping you from seeing your children you don't just accept that they've ignored a letter and move on and forget your children/behave like they don't exist. That's not the behaviour of a committed parent.

I wonder how you will spin it to blame THE EX when he shits on you and your child?

It’s thoroughly depressing the number of women on here who support these feckless useless excuses for fathers not having contact with their children.

I can only imagine that actually, it suits those women’s agenda perfectly to not have step children in the picture and to not have to be a step parent. They can just forget there are any other children and build their own little family.

God knows I’ve seen enough posts on here from women who resent the DSC once a new baby of their own comes along. So it’s not that hard to realise that some of the women on this thread are rubbing their hands with glee at the thought they’ll never have to know what it’s like.

I don’t doubt there are ex’s out there who manipulate their children and who obstruct contact. My friend’s dh had such an ex, and he went back to court time and time and time again, and when the children got older they quickly saw through her and eventually moved to be with him.

But we’re not talking about a man who has gone through hell and back to see his children. We’re talking about one who doesn’t want to. Who has actually said he’d like to move on from his children so he and the OP can just start over. Any woman who supports that is no better than the useless excuse for the man she’s supporting.

And any woman who brings children into a relationship clearly does so knowing that if they ever split all she’ has to say is that he can’t see the kids and she knows he’ll be out of her (and their) lives for good.

OP don't try telling me what it takes to get a court order. I've been through the process myself several times. The first time round I got legal advice because I had been in an abusive relationship and was scared. As a single mum to young DC do you think I had money spare for it? No, but I did it for my dc. When I've had to go back to court since because of my ex causing genuine problems for me and my dc, I managed the whole process myself from completing the forms, paying the court fee and representing myself because I couldn't afford to do it any other way.

If you decide to have children with this man you are going to spend the rest of your life lying in the very uncomfortable bed you have made that your children are forced to share.

@Nancylove12

My goodness I really think some and projecting and no one knows for sure what will happen if we have children. It's completely different circumstances. I don't think your ex moving to is an excuse to do all you can to alienate the father of your kids.

Yes, no one knows for sure what would happen if you have kids, but he’s already shown that he’s okay with “moving on” from his kids.

Your standards should really be higher than “maybe he won’t abandon the kid he has with me”.

And yeah, his ex sounds terrible, but he’s not really tried very hard. I’d move heaven and earth for my kids, no matter the cost.

It’s totally up to you if you wanna stay with him, but you can’t say you weren’t warned. Just go in with your eyes open.

@Doyoumind on which side of the coin have you been? RP or NRP because I can assure you getting better contact AND ensuring the RP sticks to it is incredibly hard work and costly. Either that or we've had VERY different experiences of family court.

[quote Mangomammy]@Starseeking
Great that that’s your experience.
But, it’s not for everyone.

What does a dad to if he goes to collect his children and mum doesn’t open the door/ isn’t home/ has sent the kids away?
What do dads do if mum moves house without taking them?
How do dads cope with daily abuse/ threats from mums?

Sadly it’s not always straight forward. I know of many men who represented themselves, mums didn’t stick to court order, spent thousands on mediation, lawyers, court fees, only for the mum to continue to hinder access. While still paying maintenance, trying to “move on” (moving on meaning work, new home, see family and friends), battling with depression as a result.[/quote]
Are you my ex husbands girlfriend 🤣

Seriously. This is the kind of shit she tells other people.
Reality is, my exh loves playing the martyr on Instagram, put me through hell threatening full custody battles etc & the very first weekend he had her, dropped her at her old school friend house (one she hadn't seen for 2 years - the mums a nice lady & was intimidated) with no pyjamas or clean pants or toothbrush, awkward & sad. Left her there as his new girlfriend had bought them tickets for a gig & he wanted to go.
Thank god she asked the pals mum to phone me.
Now it's all "my ex wife won't let me see my daughter" all over socials.

Liars & bullshit.

I would literally kill for my kids & some men can't even fill in a form or stay home of any evening or not even move 190 miles away.
All bollocks.

No one is projecting anything, just replying to the information you wrote about your vile boyfriend.

You have concrete proof of what sort of a ‘parent’ he is, so you really shouldn’t inflict him on yet another kid, knowing what he is and how that will traumatise yet another kid.

Deadbeat.

Bleating about money when he has abandoned his kids and not bothered to court is just embarrassing yourself. There’s no justification for his choices. None.

OP with every post you show how little you know about the processes. Him setting out a contact agreement means nothing if it isn't court ordered! His ex wouldn't have been able to ignore quite as easy then.

He's disconnected from them - in your own words - that says it all.

Op, the cost to apply to a court order for contact is £215. The form is C100.

You need to lodge it with the family Court in the area where the children live.

There are lots of forums including here where you can get legal advice. Ahead of this write to the Ex and say he is seeking contact with his children and would like to settle this without court but recognise court maybe necessary.

Suggest your partner does it. The damage to his children of thinking their father doesn't care is so sufficient that its worth the effort. He shouldn't be giving up

alwayswrighty why the hell do you keep coming for me as if I don't know what I'm talking about? I left an abusive situation. My ex is still abusive. That doesn't stop. I've had years of him causing problems for me and my dc. Yes, I am the RP but he set out to cause trouble from the start and make my life difficult. I have spent far more money and time than him in this process because he doesn't accept the outcome in court and doesn't accept what he's told by the court.

I don't know the reasons why the court decided your dd shouldn't live with you but your situation is not the same as this one and is not the same as mine. Why are you trying to defend OP's fiance who has been a terrible father to his dc and has made no effort to resolve the situation?

@beachcitygirl not everyone who is in that situation is like your ex.

@KurtWilde RPs can, and do ignore court orders with very little consequences. Its a flawed in our system

How does he have no fight left if he hasn't even went to court or done anything legally?? He's not good father material.

@alwayswrighty I'm fully aware of that, thanks. Some of us have also been through this you know

But the bottom line is this guy hasn't even tried, he seems to think his own schedule should've sufficed. And seeing as really we have no clue what the ex is actually like. a court order might've been all it took for her to see he was serious about seeing his kids. Because from where I'm sitting she clearly knew he was a bloody waste of skin as a dad.

But he'll never know, because he never even tried.