Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

And obviously, don’t inflict this man as a father onto a kid. Save everyone the trauma.

@Nancylove12

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

Sounds very similar.

When my ex found out I'd been dating she told me the kids didn't want to se me anymore. She was upset as I went straight from dropping off kids to the person I was datings house. In retrospect I should have dropped kids off and looped back home first so it wasn't so obvious.

However, where it makes no sense is she had a new partner very shortly after we separated and was introduced to the kids within a few weeks of us separating. I had no interest in introducing the person I was dating to the kids as it was far too soon(this was about 5/6 months after we'd separated).

I do agree system needs changing, court orders are readily ignored and the parent suffering had to shell out more money. Parents should be held accountable for stopping contact to one up their ex.

@Casper001 no physical contact. I get messages and the odd call via WhatsApp on her way home from school. It's a terrible situation.

I think you are missing what the focus should be here, you need to think about things you can control.

Even if the blame lies 95% with the ex, you still want to pick a man who didn't do everything in his power to see his children. There is nothing that could stop my fighting for my children. I couldn't bring myself to spend a penny on anything that wasn't aimed at repairing our relationship. It's upsetting even thinking about it.

The only thing you can control here is your decisions, why would you pick someone who can actively move on from his children?

[quote alwayswrighty]@Casper001 no physical contact. I get messages and the odd call via WhatsApp on her way home from school. It's a terrible situation.[/quote]
Court wouldn't allow?

I am going to ignore the fact he moved 180 miles away which no responsible father would do to 2 small children

I'll also ignore the fact he hasn't bothered to go to court or do everything he can to be apart oft their lives.

He is emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation

Seriously and non dramatically think about and consider the following....

How would you feel about telling your own 5 year old child "sorry daddy has emotionally disconnected from you and no longer wants to see you. He's moved on"

It is totally fucked up.

If you love him and want to be with him etc. Crack on... its your life
But you would be insane to have a child with this man. He is very literally showing you who he is.

You’re right OP, your boyfriend should be held accountable for moving so far away from his kids and not bothering to go to court. Reprehensible man.

Do not have a baby with this hideous excuse for a man.

@Casper001

Contact is Court ordered but the ex has shut it down completely. In the 5 years he's had her he's answered the phone for me to speak with her 5 times. Every other time he has not answered. I've gone to pick her up (I am 183 miles away) and he's gone out (multiple occasions).

The last time he let me have her he pressured her into going home early and then cut contact completely. He's then moved and changed his number and not given the school my details.

I have got legal advice and they have said that parental alienation is too difficult to prove in court and I would spend tens of thousands for the court to keep the status quo and he won't be penalised.

@DamnitImTired

There is no blueprint to divorce, separation, custody battles etc. every situation is different. There are plenty of people passing comments on here simply because they only have their own experiences to draw an opinion from, just like me. My exh spent years and years fighting for what was ‘right’ for his children. Exw moved away and he did all the travelling to see the kids. He paid more support than was ordered by court. And you know what… his relationship with his kids is the same as it would have been if he hadn’t put the effort in. Why? Because no matter what he did, his exw ran him down and didn’t do her part in ensuring that the kids had a relationship with him. There are plenty examples of how she has done this. In hindsight now, he says that all the fighting, the arguing, the spending time with kids who didn’t ‘like’ him was a waste of years he could have spent just being ‘there’ for them if they needed. It’s hard to explain on here but honestly a ‘successful’ dissolution of a relationship that requires co parenting from two single parents requires a lot of work from both parties, not just the non resident parent. I think there are plenty of women who if they had to look deep into their souls would be ashamed at how hard they have made it for their child’s fathers to be good parents. I think mothers often underestimate the power and control they have over the little minds in their care and don’t understand how they mould the way things turn out.

He was the one who moved 190 miles away in the first instance. Not the same.

[quote KurtWilde]@Greenfields124 I'm sorry you've been through that. It's much the same with my exh, who swans around telling people I've been 'obstructive' (like hell I have), whilst acting like they don't exist 99% of the time and has 'moved on' but it's 'all kurt's fault..' I've bent over backwards to facilitate their relationship with him in the last 6ish years and he's still not stepped up.

[/quote]
Thanks, sorry you are too, sorry for all the (mostly) women that have to put up with neglectful ex's and then have to deal with the lies that come after because they can't be bothered to make any effort to see their kids.

We can't make them care.
Like OP can't make her partner care.

@Nancylove12

No, I've asked and doesn't want to

Are you planning on having kids with him?

Don't.

Think, for one minute, exactly how his kids feel about not seeing him. Think, for another minute, about how this abandonment will affect them - their feelings, their relationships - for THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

It's really easy to start legal proceedings to get access to his kids. But he's not doing that. Run a mile. He's abandoned his existing kids. He'll do it to yours.

Op regardless that he moved he was never going to be an active dad to a baby and a toddler I suspect there's loads more to it that you don't know about. But it easer to make the mother who's doing the grunt work the bad guy

I agree with the majority op. What possessed him to love so far away? He's never going to be doing the school run at 190 miles is he?

And don't underestimate how easily they can lie. My friends ex (ran off with the OW while she was pregnant with number 2) told the woman in the corner shop that she wouldn't let him see the baby. He hasn't even asked to see her and had told my friend to get an abortion! Unluckily for him I was in the queue and helpfully put the shopkeeper in the picture. The lies just drip off the tongue. I'd suggest you contact the ex - I'd be really interested in her side.

OP if he can emotionally disconnect from small vulnerable children who no doubt loved him, can you imagine how easily he can do that to you ? Have you confirmed his story with the ex? If you have any children in your life that you love, please picture this being done to them. How does he not have empathy for his own kids? The hole he has left in their lives, the abandonment, the yearning for their dad. People have gone to the ends of the earths for their children. The money, the ex stories etc are all just excuses

I do agree system needs changing, court orders are readily ignored and the parent suffering had to shell out more money. Parents should be held accountable for stopping contact to one up their ex.

But your DP hasn't even attempted to use 'the system'. He hasn't tried to get a court order in place for it to be ignored. There are awful examples of parents preventing another from seeing their children out of spite or malice, and yes they can sometimes get away with it but they don't always. Through my DP's support group I've known parents who gained full custody of their children as a direct result of the other parent blocking contact without reason. It happens although it's a hard and long process to go through, but one which your DP hasn't attempted or been any part of so as far as I'm concerned he can't use 'the system' as an excuse.

I can understand and have sympathy for a parent who has tried and tried and eventually given up because I saw how difficult it was for my partner to go through what he did. Your partner hasn't even given up at the first hurdle, he wouldn't even put his name down for the race.

And you know what… his relationship with his kids is the same as it would have been if he hadn’t put the effort in. Why? Because no matter what he did, his exw ran him down and didn’t do her part in ensuring that the kids had a relationship with him. There are plenty examples of how she has done this.

The difference is that when they’re adults, especially if the have kids of their own, his kids won’t be dealing with the issues of an abandoned child.

When or if the time comes that they see their mother for the damage she causes he’ll be able to look them in the eye and say he did all he could.

through anything, including a flat line for their mental health, to see their kids, but the truth is they should never be put in the position where that is put to the test.

It won’t let me quote you @aSofaNearYou but I don’t know if I agree, I think when it comes to your own children you really should at least try. This man hasn’t even attempted the legal route. He has moved almost 200 miles away from his kids, he’s claimed he can’t afford to pursue legal action, however he’s managed to buy a house and goes on dates with the OP, and wants to have more children. Do you not think his behaviour is worrying in any way?

@Nancylove12

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

If the ex is so deranged as to be too impossible to deal with for an adult, surely you’d be concerned for the children in their care?

Just in case this hasn't been pointed out to you (I got too annoyed with you OP to finish reading all the replies) it costs around £200 to make an application to court. It needn't cost any more than this if you self represent. It's pathetic when people claim it's too expensive to pursue in court. No good parent gives up without making any effort.

I do agree system needs changing, court orders are readily ignored and the parent suffering had to shell out more money. Parents should be held accountable for stopping contact to one up their ex.

OP you have no experience of 'the system' because your fiancé hasn't even been through it! So I'm not sure how you think that statement is in any way relevant to what's happening here.

Also as many have pointed out, it's a couple of hundred quid to apply to court. It doesn't cost 'thousands', which tells me he hasn't even looked into it he's just decided it's not with the hassle.

Same goes for the difficult ex. No doubt she has been difficult, but have you actually had any dealings with her? You only have his side of the story, and of course you trust that to be true - just like me exh new girlfriend believes I'm the wicked witch of the west because he told her so. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I'm beyond caring what he tells people about me.

Your fiancé has been lazy and feckless in regard to his kids, and the difference is many of us don't know that about a partner before we have children with them - you do. I would say on your own head be it, but actually it's on the heads of your future kids.

@Doyoumind

It doesn't when you get to the Barrister stage and the judge insists you get legal rep.

Sick of that line being trotted out every single time. Yes it costs that initially for a court application, but you need to get it RIGHT and that requires legal help. I've been on both sides of this coin and trust me you need good legal rep. Solicitors are at least £400 per hour, and a Barrister charges by the day. Minimum I've paid is £1500.

Everyone on MN seems to think that nrps have endless pots of money to pay for this, and then complain that the nrp has to house themselves otherwise that will have a negative impact on the contact arrangement.

We don't all grow money trees you know. In fact some of us ended up losing hundreds of thousands in our divorce to our exes who put nothing but debt into the marriage and have to start again from a much depleted financial pot.

If only life was as simple.

Actually, I have been to court many times thanks to a manipulative and abusive ex and have been represented by a solicitor, barrister and self represented so I do know what I'm talking about. OP's fiance did absolutely nothing to get this resolved. There was no divorce. This was simply about child contact arrangements and he didn't do the bare minimum to try to ensure contact continued and has let it stop completely without taking any steps to prevent that.

I get this. I have a dad who just simply can not be arsed and has walked away ( although this is when I was an adult ) I also have a daughter who doesn't see her dad at all because he just couldn't be bothered.

If I met a man who didn't see his children, coming from a place where I can see the child's point of view I wouldn't have anything to do with that man unless he was doing everything he could to TRY and see those children. I get women ( and some men ) can withhold children, use children against the other parent in a separation, I get how difficult she might try and make things for him, but he simply can not just walk away and be done with it.

This would be a deal breaker for me. You either fight to see your current children or we don't have any. Your clearly willing to support him so it's not like he's fighting on his own.