Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

[Nancylove12]

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

@Casper001 thank you for posting. I'm in the same shoes as you and a female. Exh has residence which when I was going through the court process I posted about and was vilified because I took my solicitors advice not to spend tens of thousands of pounds trying to fight for something I will never get.

Yes the child suffers, but the constant return to court also makes them suffer.

My dd now has her own phone and messages me on the sly but that is all I'll ever get.

I just can’t respect any parent who walks away from their child .

How can you think about having a child with that person when you know how they have treated their first children?

@2pinkginsplease

I just can’t respect any parent who walks away from their child .

How can you think about having a child with that person when you know how they have treated their first children?

I'd have far less respect for the mum in this scenario and would caution anyone against having a child with her.

I really think the seriousness of parental alienation is so often glossed over in situations like this, with too much blame placed on the parent who gave up as a result and not enough put on the person doing it. People want parents to prove that they would fight through anything, including a flat line for their mental health, to see their kids, but the truth is they should never be put in the position where that is put to the test.

Be interesting to see how many have been in this position or seen it first hand. Easy to pass comment when you've never suffered it.

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

@Nancylove12

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

So him seeing his kids was dependent on having an easy ride? Fact is, he gave in. That's the bottom line. The ex got her way.

How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

It isn't allowed when you have been through court. A court order is what makes it "not allowed". Either there is an amicable agreement, or there's a court agreement. Not seeing them is not an option, and it sounds like amicable agreement is not an option either... So he needs to go to court.

@Nancylove12

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

That's what court orders are for. The fact is, he's not bothered is he? It's too much hassle. I simply couldn't be with somebody who did that. If he really wanted to maintain a relationship he would. I'm not judging you, I'm judging him. I'm also judging the ex who is clearly a cow.

@AgathaAllAlong

How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

It isn't allowed when you have been through court. A court order is what makes it "not allowed". Either there is an amicable agreement, or there's a court agreement. Not seeing them is not an option, and it sounds like amicable agreement is not an option either... So he needs to go to court.

Yeah unfortunately OP, this is the bottom line.

I do feel for your DP as I know how hard it is - as I said, my friend's partner has been through the same.

I don't think he is a bad person for just caving and giving up under the pressure and stress and constant mind games, but unfortunately there is no option apart from court to resolve it.

@2pinkginsplease

I just can’t respect any parent who walks away from their child .

How can you think about having a child with that person when you know how they have treated their first children?

I agree, I feel so strongly about this given the effects of such a situation on my DS. At 10 years old he has significant issues directly caused by it. Disgusting.

@alwayswrighty

Be interesting to see how many have been in this position or seen it first hand. Easy to pass comment when you've never suffered it.

I have been in the position of being left to bring up two very small children on my own, whilst their father pretended he had been stopped seeing them.

The posts on Facebook of 'I wish I could just see my kids, I can't sleep at night' whilst if I rang him to arrange contact he would tell me to 'fuck off.'

Seeing your kids be let down over and over again is far worse as well as watching them ring him and him say to them 'why are you calling me, I don't want to speak to you.'
Watching your children question why doesn't my Dad care about me?
It's very traumatic to watch a child suffer like that as a parent.

Without the extra abuse on top of someone lying that you are doing things you simply aren't doing whilst you also have to take full responsibility for the children you both created, he swans off with his new easy free life, whilst at the same time claiming he's a victim in it all.

I care FAR more for the kids in these situations and as in most cases the women left to do all the raising.

If you are real parent you don't move away the kids, the kids are your family, you don't ever loose the care for your children regardless what has happened EVER.
OPs partner hasn't bothered looking into court.
OPs partner has simply switched it off and wants to get new children.
That is fucked up.
That isn't normal and it isn't ok.

People who stick up for men like this are the reason they get away with what they do.
Absolutely disgusts me.

Men like this want children with no work. He's having a rose tinted spectacle view on wanting more children with you. He thinks this time will be different. When he realises that babies and children are hard work and that you are busy with a baby your 18mths of bliss will end again, only you will be left holding the baby.

I don't doubt his ex has made it difficult. But really why the hell would he ever want to just 'move on'. How do you move on from your children?

He's lazy. He's a coward. He's dumping his kids for convenience. Is this really someone you'd be proud to call your spouse???

@Greenfields124 I'm sorry you and your children have been through this too. It's absolutely horrendous. I will never forgive my ex and his malicious sidekick for what they've done. The "poor me" bollocks is so achingly familiar too. Disgusting people.

@Nancylove12

I think alot of people are and are scared to speak to get help. There isn't alot of support at all just judgement.

My fiance moved but was committed to seeing the kids and that would have stayed the same if tbe games were not being played and threats. How can you send messages like you will never see the kids again never contact me. Because your ex went on a date and you stalked their fb to see the girl. How is that allowed ?

There is help and support if you look for it.

This is from mostly other men who have been through the situation and adults who were children who were in such situations.

How do I know? My DP sought it out and we found we knew between us plenty of people who would provide him with help and support. In turn my DP has provided help and support for others.

@alwayswrighty

Be interesting to see how many have been in this position or seen it first hand. Easy to pass comment when you've never suffered it.

This is the step-parenting part of MN plenty of posters, particularly those who post regularly, are the partners/spouses of those who have been through it. Others are also adult children who have watched one or both their parents behave badly.

@wedonttalkaboutmyposts

Men like this want children with no work. He's having a rose tinted spectacle view on wanting more children with you. He thinks this time will be different. When he realises that babies and children are hard work and that you are busy with a baby your 18mths of bliss will end again, only you will be left holding the baby.

This.

He is a man who shouldn't have any more children.

Babies and young children take your partner's/spouse's attention away from you. This means you aren't number one in your spouse's eyes for a while.

[quote TheFormidableMrsC]@Greenfields124 I'm sorry you and your children have been through this too. It's absolutely horrendous. I will never forgive my ex and his malicious sidekick for what they've done. The "poor me" bollocks is so achingly familiar too. Disgusting people. [/quote]
Its awful isn't it, the 'poor me' attitude is just revolting.
It's not something I will ever go along with and will always call it out.

I think some posters just want to divert to the awful ex, facts are no matter what a pain your ex was if you are capable of genuine care for your kids that feeling doesn't go.
The wanting them with you doesn't go.

Moving away from them shows detachment and how he doesn't see them as his full responsibility as he's leaving it all on the ex.
Awful one apparently in this case, so awful he would leave his children with her and not even bother to know where she lives with his kids.
He doesn't have any clue where they even are...
Yet his Mum still manages to keep in touch with her..

People can say what they like all the 'he said, she said' bollocks, facts are actions.

What action has he taken.
Absolutely nothing.
Because he doesn't care.
Just wants to get some new kids..
So gross.

@Greenfields124 I'm sorry you've been through that. It's much the same with my exh, who swans around telling people I've been 'obstructive' (like hell I have), whilst acting like they don't exist 99% of the time and has 'moved on' but it's 'all kurt's fault..' I've bent over backwards to facilitate their relationship with him in the last 6ish years and he's still not stepped up.

There is no blueprint to divorce, separation, custody battles etc. every situation is different.
There are plenty of people passing comments on here simply because they only have their own experiences to draw an opinion from, just like me.
My exh spent years and years fighting for what was ‘right’ for his children. Exw moved away and he did all the travelling to see the kids. He paid more support than was ordered by court.
And you know what… his relationship with his kids is the same as it would have been if he hadn’t put the effort in. Why? Because no matter what he did, his exw ran him down and didn’t do her part in ensuring that the kids had a relationship with him. There are plenty examples of how she has done this.
In hindsight now, he says that all the fighting, the arguing, the spending time with kids who didn’t ‘like’ him was a waste of years he could have spent just being ‘there’ for them if they needed.
It’s hard to explain on here but honestly a ‘successful’ dissolution of a relationship that requires co parenting from two single parents requires a lot of work from both parties, not just the non resident parent. I think there are plenty of women who if they had to look deep into their souls would be ashamed at how hard they have made it for their child’s fathers to be good parents. I think mothers often underestimate the power and control they have over the little minds in their care and don’t understand how they mould the way things turn out.

Girl, run.

If he can “move on” from his kids and decide he wants a shiny new baby, what kind of dad is he?

Yeah, his ex sounds like a nightmare, but he doesn’t seem like he’s tried very hard to pursue proper contact.

[quote RedWingBoots]@Casper001 your kids are your kids for the rest of your life but they are only children for a short time. So while you will miss lots of their day-to-day growing up you can still have a good relationship with them once they are old enough to choose to have a relationship with you and get around independently. Having contact with them and actually parenting them when you do have contact is building the blocks for that long term relationship.

My DP, due to the shit his ex put him through, talked and listened to both other fathers and more importantly adult kids of separated parents. Some of the non-resident separated parents fought to get contact and others walked away.

Lots of people don't realise there are a lot of separated parents and adult kids of separated parents out there until you start talking to people.[/quote]
Yes I'm aware of this. I have the kids about 2 and a half weekends out of 4 on a recurring basis.

I waited 2 years before eventually applying to court as I gave up trying to agree something less formal. As even the mediation agreement broke down.

My case shouldn't have gone to court as there was no need. The whole system needs an overhaul in my opinion with less emphasis put on child maintenance being determined by numbers of nights and effectively bad behaviour being rewarded.

@DamnitImTired

There is no blueprint to divorce, separation, custody battles etc. every situation is different. There are plenty of people passing comments on here simply because they only have their own experiences to draw an opinion from, just like me. My exh spent years and years fighting for what was ‘right’ for his children. Exw moved away and he did all the travelling to see the kids. He paid more support than was ordered by court. And you know what… his relationship with his kids is the same as it would have been if he hadn’t put the effort in. Why? Because no matter what he did, his exw ran him down and didn’t do her part in ensuring that the kids had a relationship with him. There are plenty examples of how she has done this. In hindsight now, he says that all the fighting, the arguing, the spending time with kids who didn’t ‘like’ him was a waste of years he could have spent just being ‘there’ for them if they needed. It’s hard to explain on here but honestly a ‘successful’ dissolution of a relationship that requires co parenting from two single parents requires a lot of work from both parties, not just the non resident parent. I think there are plenty of women who if they had to look deep into their souls would be ashamed at how hard they have made it for their child’s fathers to be good parents. I think mothers often underestimate the power and control they have over the little minds in their care and don’t understand how they mould the way things turn out.

So very true.

It's the drip, drip, drip effect of alienation over the years. It's akin to a man that quits his job or fiddles his taxes to get out of child maintenance.

Stop focussing on the woman your boyfriend picked to repeatedly impregnate.

Your boyfriend is an utter disgrace, how are you not repulsed?! Moving 200 miles away, not bothering with court, ‘moving on’. No justification, I’m flabbergasted that you have such a low standard that this is acceptable to you. Really, words fail me.

[quote alwayswrighty]@Casper001 thank you for posting. I'm in the same shoes as you and a female. Exh has residence which when I was going through the court process I posted about and was vilified because I took my solicitors advice not to spend tens of thousands of pounds trying to fight for something I will never get.

Yes the child suffers, but the constant return to court also makes them suffer.

My dd now has her own phone and messages me on the sly but that is all I'll ever get.[/quote]
Sorry to hear that do you not get to see her and have contact time?