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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Fiance no longer in regular contact with DD

302 replies

Nancylove12 · 17/01/2022 22:45

Hi all

I'm sure I will trigger many people with this post. And be dragged by many replies but I am wanting some tangible advice buy someone who maybe in a similar position.

My fiance has two kids age 8 and 6 he separated from the ex 5 years ago now. The split meant my fiance moved 190miles back home. He would see the kids every other weekend at first. But when he started dating again contact was removed. He would travel and the ex would purposely take the kids out and not reply to his messages. This was before I came on the scene. I have seen the messages he saved and his mum first told me the back story . I met my fiance 3.5 years ago. Contact went down to once a month. Then after he tried to get more information via school reports etc the ex changed numbers started playing games. In the last two years there has been hardly any contact at all he hasn't spoken to the ex in over a year any contact goes through his mum who plays both sides as she is scared she will be denied access to the kids. Last year he saw the kids twice. The fight has all gone and he said he's moved on. I always put suggestions as to what to do but he's not interested and prefers to talk about our future and move on from the past. He said he wants a baby with me once we are married. I can't get my head around my baby having siblings they don't really see. If I'm honest we had two years of DRAMA with the ex with boundary issues, insane shouting on the phone and access issues. The last year and a half have been blissful without it but I know the situation isn't right. However, I have stayed out it. I know many will say this man will do the same to you. He pays CMS and I do think if the kids weren't used to emotionally manipulate we wouldn't be in this situation. I'm just asking has anyone experienced something like this? And what would you suggest I do? My finance has emotionally disconnected no tears no depression he's moved on and regrets having children in that situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nancylove12 · 18/01/2022 18:21

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

When she needs money she goes through his mum to ask and he gives

This is despicable.

He should be contacting CMS and arranging proper payments. He doesn't need her bank account etc for that.

He does pay csa that's when she needs extra. I have stated that csa is paid. And any extras that are asked for are paid for as well.
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 18/01/2022 18:52

Does his mum know where they live?

Larryyourwaiter · 18/01/2022 19:04

I know someone how has 3 children by 3 different woman.
Not in the slightest interested in the eldest, slightly more interested in the second (because he goes to the pub with him). Totally and utterly obsessed with the youngest.
It’s slightly sickening to watch. He’s a twat.

paname · 18/01/2022 19:48

You don't have to defend him OP. And this absolutely isn't yours to fix. You have to decide if you can live with who he is. He absolutely could have gone through court on his own. He chose not to. He could have stayed close to his children and tried to find a way through but instead he left them. His own mother has managed to keep a relationship with the children. How she makes her peace with her own son is a mystery. I'm not sure I could.

Flowers500 · 18/01/2022 19:51

@wanttomarryamillionaire

Also he did nothing wrong moving back to be near his family, no one would say it was wrong if a woman did this after a relationship breakdown. However the refusal to fight for the kids is completely wrong.
Sorry but I think there would be a fucking dumper truck of judgement for a woman who upped sticks and moved 200 miles away from her children
jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 18/01/2022 20:23

In the nicest possible way ... you are trying to justify the fact that your boyfriend has done nothing at all to try and have access to his children!
Nothing at all!
No fight in him because, despite what you may think, he just can't be arsed, disrupting his life to step up to be a parent !

Casper001 · 18/01/2022 22:34

@Nancylove12

I'm not sure I agree with everyone but thankyou to those giving me food for thought. We don't spend his money lavishly but we do need to live. When I met him he was seeing the kids twice a month. Then dwindled when boundaries were put in place. Ex only wanted him to see the kids in her house. When she got a BF she didn't want him around. We fought to have them come to our house and stayed in hotels. But it was a battle of wills every month. Its then become less and less it hasn't been just a cut off. Now ex has moved and my fiance is blocked on everything. Bought his kid a phone to contact and got taken away. When she needs money she goes through his mum to ask and he gives. It's very sad. I will talk again about court as an option so any experiences on how it works would be great.
To start you go for a MIAM meeting which is a pre course to mediation. You don't have to attend mediation but get the form done at least.

You then apply to court. C100 I think.

The cost of all this will be about 300 quid.

It's very doable without representation. What it is likely to be difficult is the ex giving a while list of reasons why it's not appropriate to see the kids. Often including allegations. However unless there's some proof that can usually be dismissed quickly. He should be able to build up to every other weekend although the distance will be a real problem which I would expect cafcass / court to raise so it coild be once a month.

He will need to have a serious think about what we wants to do and how he would have the kids. How practically would it would given the distance (serious question).
If he's interested I can point you to a more friendly site that gives some good advice on facing court etc.

Casper001 · 18/01/2022 22:41

Sorry for the typos.

I realise not a popular view but honestly having gone through it I can understand why some men do shut down and accept not seeing the kids. The system is very skewed against a non resident parent and the main issue is getting enforcement of anything agreed (even after court etc).

I see the kids so many weekends a month. I've made my peace with it but in some ways I do wonder what my role is in the scheme of things. I attend the school stuff and appointments but on a day to day basis you can't really hold the resident parent to what they should be doing. It becomes a dog fight and the kids lose really.

But of course no woman ever admits to being one of those women but a lot know them....

Casper001 · 18/01/2022 22:51

@lunar1

There should be real consequences for abandoning your children. The idea that anyone man or woman can do that and then go in to have more is revolting.

We have better laws in this country to protect criminals than we have to protect children from their parents behaviour.

Yes and there should be better rules to stop alienation and contact being stopped on a whim. The OP said there had been contact until her partner had put some boundaries in place.
spudjulia · 18/01/2022 22:53

I just can't imagine 'giving up' on my kids. I'd move heaven and earth to see them and be in their life. I honestly wouldn't pick a father for my children (which is what you're doing if you're thinking about having kids with this guy) who has shown he can just forget about his own children. He wouldn't make a good dad.

Lozzie86 · 18/01/2022 22:59

I think it's pretty unfair people calling him names. Who wouldn't move back home to family after a relationship breakdown? But anyway, not everyone can afford legal fees when an ex is being vile and using the children as a weapon. Also we don't know if the ex was mentally abusive toward him in the relationship and actually as much as it hurts him not to see the children he knows that going through the courts would leave him open to more of her abuse and control. These situations aren't always black and white. I'm aware of men who have been broken-down and given up because they just had to before it destroyed them mentally, financially. But are amazing fathers to their other children when given the chance to be.

JustLyra · 18/01/2022 23:45

He hasn’t even tried. Basic mediation and the first step of court is less than £300.

To not even have attempted a single moment of legal route is piss poor.

And if the OP didn’t think so then the thread wouldn’t be here. If it was so ok and not problematic there would be no reason for the doubts or the thread.

Mummyoflittledragon · 19/01/2022 06:28

The legal route was discussed but ultimately it’s very costly and we don’t have thousands to spend.
Yet he managed to find the funds to buy a house, to go on date nights and to have hobbies. Hmm As per Justlyra’s post above, the initial costs are very low plus he could self represent so he wouldn’t need these thousands.

We don’t even have the kids address now.
Wow. How could he let it get to this stage. His mum seems to be in contact with his ex.

sometimes I forget he has kids
And he wishes he didn’t have them. Poor kids. They’re human beings. Not something to forget as a mistake.

If I was to walk away if wouldn’t be easy. I’d be walking away from a loving relationship that works if that makes sense.
He walked away from a loving relationship with his kids first by creating a 200 mile distance from them when they were tiny. Then not fighting for them. The love he should feel for you is nothing in comparison to the love he should feel for them, if that makes sense.

RedWingBoots · 19/01/2022 07:36

@Casper001 your kids are your kids for the rest of your life but they are only children for a short time. So while you will miss lots of their day-to-day growing up you can still have a good relationship with them once they are old enough to choose to have a relationship with you and get around independently. Having contact with them and actually parenting them when you do have contact is building the blocks for that long term relationship.

My DP, due to the shit his ex put him through, talked and listened to both other fathers and more importantly adult kids of separated parents. Some of the non-resident separated parents fought to get contact and others walked away.

Lots of people don't realise there are a lot of separated parents and adult kids of separated parents out there until you start talking to people.

RedWingBoots · 19/01/2022 07:39

@Lozzie86

I think it's pretty unfair people calling him names. Who wouldn't move back home to family after a relationship breakdown? But anyway, not everyone can afford legal fees when an ex is being vile and using the children as a weapon. Also we don't know if the ex was mentally abusive toward him in the relationship and actually as much as it hurts him not to see the children he knows that going through the courts would leave him open to more of her abuse and control. These situations aren't always black and white. I'm aware of men who have been broken-down and given up because they just had to before it destroyed them mentally, financially. But are amazing fathers to their other children when given the chance to be.
You are implying the men you know tried to stay in contact with their children. The OP partner hasn't tried.

Also as an adult with children your children are your immediate family not your parents, as if you died tomorrow your children inherit first.

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/01/2022 07:46

These poor kids! Their mum sounds a manipulative cow and their Dad has given up.

It’s the moving 190 miles away that’s particularly hard to understand OP. Unless there was a very good reason, it doesn’t suggest much desire to maintain a daily relationship with them. However it doesn’t mean he didn’t want to retain contact, and from what you say the ex is far more at fault here.

It could be that he is depressed but I personally wouldn’t be happy to marry him unless he takes legal action. And if he generally pays extra maintenance then I would stop doing that until the access comes in.

KurtWilde · 19/01/2022 08:58

Who wouldn't move back home to family after a relationship breakdown?

Err people who have children in that area. The children ARE his family.

Pinkyxx · 19/01/2022 08:58

My ex moved far away, made no effort to see our child but did an awfully good job of painting me as the 'crazy unreasonable ex denying him contact'.. he build a new life, got a new partner, took holidays, bought a new house, had more kids. Drifted in and out as he pleased. I drew a line and said no more unless there's a predictable pattern.

His partner was very empathetic and persuaded him to pursue residence through the courts despite him showing even less interest than your DP. He didn't get residence, and objected to the contact I suggested, insisting it be heavily reduced. He comes when it suits him, doesn't get involved in any other aspect of her life. My advice is don't do it. Either he wants to make the effort or he doesn't. No good, and a lot of bad, has come of ex having contact. Our child has been in therapy for years trying to deal with the confusion, feelings of rejection and abandonment.

You can't be a parent when you aren't involved in your child's life and you can't do that from 190miles away. Turning up here and there doesn't create that relationship. He choose this, it's on him.

PaterPower · 19/01/2022 09:06

Seriously, “it’s not for everyone”??? What a terrible inconvenience having to file some forms, yes that’s definitely worse than losing your children. People that pathetic shouldn’t be having unprotected sex

I’m degree educated (not law, unfortunately) and found it very difficult to get everything the court wanted together on my own.

We ended up having three separate court dates. Multiple binders had to be made up, in the right order with all the various reports, statements etc. I had to repeatedly chase up her solicitors (who, I believe, were deliberately making the process more difficult). There was no help provided for litigants in person by the court / court system and the magistrate panel in our first hearing clearly had no time for people self representing (to be fair, the second and third were a bit more understanding).

I ended up paying more than £10k in various fees and for legal advice because it was very obvious that if I continued down the purely self representing route then I was going to get nowhere.

It was, without any doubt whatsoever (including a period in my life where I was being domestically abused) THE most stressful, emotionally painful and ultimately heartbreaking period in my life to date.

It’s not just about “filling in some forms” and it’s not just an “inconvenience.” And anyone that comes out with that kind of shit is someone who’s never had to do it themselves.

shreddednips · 19/01/2022 09:10

His ex sounds like she's making contact very difficult, but the fact that he's not made any legal efforts to secure regular contact isn't a good sign. I feel so sorry for the children.

I suppose if you're happy and can overlook this (I couldn't) then stay with him, but I would never have children with him. You never know how someone will react to becoming a parent, but in this case you already know that he's capable of detaching emotionally from his children.

Plus, why is he considering having another baby? Babies are expensive and get more expensive as they get older. He should be using the money that he thinks he can produce to support another child to achieve access to the children he already has IMO!

AlternativePerspective · 19/01/2022 09:17

Mmm what would I do in the situation….

I would raise my standards and get rid.

TheFormidableMrsC · 19/01/2022 09:19

Firstly, it is not costly to make a child arrangements application. He can do it himself and self rep. I know this because I've been through it myself. It is a fairly easy process and recommendations are made by Cafcass, nearly always in favour of the non resident parent.

I couldn't be with a man like this. My ex has abandoned our son in a similar fashion, different to you in that OW encouraged it and wanted rid of our little boy. The damage it has done to him is horrific, despite the fact I have sought counselling and spend my life making him feel loved and secure.

I couldn't live with myself and it speaks volumes about the sort of man you live with. Please don't have children with him. You deserve better and clearly have stronger morals than him.

Skeumorph · 19/01/2022 10:43

Plus, why is he considering having another baby? Babies are expensive and get more expensive as they get older.

Because none of that is his concern, remember? Babies are disposable, and when having one becomes problematic rather than fun and rewarding, you 'move on'.

Skeumorph · 19/01/2022 10:46

@Lozzie86

I think it's pretty unfair people calling him names. Who wouldn't move back home to family after a relationship breakdown? But anyway, not everyone can afford legal fees when an ex is being vile and using the children as a weapon. Also we don't know if the ex was mentally abusive toward him in the relationship and actually as much as it hurts him not to see the children he knows that going through the courts would leave him open to more of her abuse and control. These situations aren't always black and white. I'm aware of men who have been broken-down and given up because they just had to before it destroyed them mentally, financially. But are amazing fathers to their other children when given the chance to be.
Ooof I don't know whether the point you've just made there is the one you intended to. Who wouldn't completely assume that after a relationship/family break down, you don't need the support of your parents...?!

Exactly. When their family broke down, his tiny children would have needed more than anything for their daddy to stay as close as he could, to put their needs first, to be able to be there and see them every day or at least every couple of days, to be a familiar everyday PARENT.

Nope. Apparently it was more important for a grown man to get the support, from his own mummy and daddy, and move 'home'.

You couldn't make that one up!

fleurpots · 19/01/2022 10:51

I really don't know how you can be attracted to this man. If he wanted to see his children he would have gone down the legal route. You've bought a house together - his share of the deposit could have gone towards the legal fees.

How must the children feel?!