Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

@KylieKoKo

Ditto for me and my children, but the difference is they are OUR children and at heart, we love them more than anything. That is the biggest, most insurmountable, most fundamental difference.

Well yes. Surely you realise that no other adult feels the way about your children that you do. Do you think this means that all adults are showing coldness, resentment, jealousy, cruelty and disgust towards them or is it just step parents?

No other adults are in that quasi-parenting position. That is the entire whole total point of the issue.

@Glitterygreen
Exactly. That is the most insurmountable and fundamental difference - but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just natural that mainly only parents feel this way about their own children. Not feeling that doesn't equate to not caring or being cruel.

It's not wrong to FEEL that way but it matters because it makes a difference to how those children are treated. No child should have to spend their one and only childhood feeling unwanted and resented in their own family home.

@KylieKoKo

Also why is it on the step parent to leave if it's not best for the child? Surely it is for the parent to chose a partner who is kind to their children.

DP would not be in a relationship with me if he thought I was being cruel to his children. I would not be in a position to make the choice to leave because he, rightly, would not tolerate it.

It is on BOTH of them, which I think I said pretty clearly in my earlier post, but perhaps not.

It's shit for any adults to make children miserable because it suits them.

[quote OnlyAFleshWound]@Glitterygreen
Exactly. That is the most insurmountable and fundamental difference - but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just natural that mainly only parents feel this way about their own children. Not feeling that doesn't equate to not caring or being cruel.

It's not wrong to FEEL that way but it matters because it makes a difference to how those children are treated. No child should have to spend their one and only childhood feeling unwanted and resented in their own family home.[/quote]
But @OnlyAFleshWound there's a huge gulf between not feeling the same way as a parent and making a child feel unwanted and resented. It isn't one or the other.

@KylieKoKo

Also why is it on the step parent to leave if it's not best for the child? Surely it is for the parent to chose a partner who is kind to their children.

DP would not be in a relationship with me if he thought I was being cruel to his children. I would not be in a position to make the choice to leave because he, rightly, would not tolerate it.

I think you must have missed this line in my post that you replied to:

I think in every case the children's parents are far more to blame than the step-parent.

That's pretty clear, isn't it?

@KylieKoKo

But @OnlyAFleshWound there's a huge gulf between not feeling the same way as a parent and making a child feel unwanted and resented. It isn't one or the other.

Yes, there is a whole spectrum, I agree.

But I see a lot of the latter.

@UsernameFail

I think you are being unfair and naive *@OnlyAFleshWound* expecting people to never have another relationship because of the children. That's not healthy at all including the child. The child will one day grow up, have it's own relationships and family and the parent will then be at home all alone. Sorry I don't agree with you.

I wonder what happens in non western societies where fathers have relationships and children with several women. I'm aware there is hierachy but is there so much animosity like there is in the western world?

@RedWingBoots Ours wills have been done for years. After a I received a particularly pleasant phone from exw telling me our child was stealing her children's inheritance DH thought I was being sensible after all

Well, of course you disagree. I have said pretty clearly - I think parents should put their children's needs first while they are small - especially when they've already suffered the trauma of divorce or losing a parent

As for I wonder what happens in non western societies where fathers have relationships and children with several women. I'm aware there is hierachy but is there so much animosity like there is in the western world?

Not heard of Isaac and Ishmael?

Blended families can absolutely be an utter clusterfuck. More often than not ime irl. But that's down to the adults being twats. Happens in all families really, blended or not!

I haven't had the best experience with my dad's partner, (not really a stepmother), who was the OW. But on here, I always feel really sorry for stepmums as they get a kicking and often seem to be seen by their partner (and sometimes their dp's ex) as the live in nanny and housekeeper with benefits! Lazy dads strike again. I feel sorry for the kids in that sort of scenario too though, and it is a bit irksome when stepmums post about resenting their stepchildren personally but won't accept that the reason they are most likely resentful is because of their dp, not a little 7 year old child or whatever. It's typical in other relationships too, not just those with step parents. You know "he's such a great dad and I love him" when he clearly has no respect or regard for her or his kids.

So, it's complicated, but even as someone who didn't have a good experience with a stepmother figure, even I can tell, the main culprits in a lot of these problems blended families are mostly the dads (sorry men - not all men etc)

@sassbott

Examples?

The recent thread re Christmas cards
The infamous thread about the photo frame (because heaven forbid a MAN prints off photos of his OWN children for framing)
The recent birthday thread of a father failing (again) to adequately save for his own child’s birthday present. Who should step up? The person with the vagina who is more ‘responsible’ and has ‘spare’ cash.

I could list a dozen more threads of the inate entitlement and bone idle laziness. What disappoints me subsequently is the amount of women who then come in an pile on those threads. ‘Poooor children’ they wail.

Wtaf? Poor children? Blame the father for not taking full care of HIS responsibilities!

Just because these men are useless, pathetic sacks of shit doesn't make it right that their children suffer.

Women who get together with these men and pick up the mess of their shit parenting should rethink their life choices.

Thanks @PeeAche. I think I've read some of your posts.

@Purplelotuslover11 - I remember your post well. I think I've saved it to favourites just as a reminder

I have read all those threads you mention @sassbott and agree that the expectations between men and women are skewed. The hatred women have towards other women is ridiculous - you don't hear men piling on to men like women do?

It's funny (although really it isn't and sometimes I get quite upset) because I am generally treated by DH's family, exwife and SD as if I was the other woman and broke up the family. We met 3 years later. Exwife left him (and to be honest after 20 years I think she deserved a medal) ... and we learnt there had been someone else - but DH doesn't want the children to ever hear that from us

Just because these men are useless, pathetic sacks of shit doesn't make it right that their children suffer.

Of course its not right but its kind of inevitable.
Children always suffer when their parents break up.

I think the issue is that some people expect step mothers to make up for this which isn't reasonable or even possible. If DP didn't adequately care for his children then I would not be able to just step up and fill the gap because I not their parent. I think often women try and step up because they feel it is the right thing to do but they do not have the rights of a parent so they can't and they end being resentful of being put into a role that they can not fulfil. This does not mean they are cruel or hostile towards the children though. It just means that they are in an impossible situation.

Women who get together with these men and pick up the mess of their shit parenting should rethink their life choices. as one of the women in one of these examples I think you need to calm down a little. My life choices are fine. There is not a mess caused by his lack of thought in sending thank you cards from his children.

Just because these men are useless, pathetic sacks of shit doesn't make it right that their children suffer. I would also like to point out here that DH is also not useless, pathetic or a sack of shit and his children are not suffering because I didn't scribble their name in a card.

There is a spectrum of annoyances as a stepmum. Sometimes things are just minor. They are not relationship ending.

@UsernameFail unfortunately some people are money grabbing. Just remind anyone that all the money could end up going on care.

@KylieKoKo

Just because these men are useless, pathetic sacks of shit doesn't make it right that their children suffer.

Of course its not right but its kind of inevitable.
Children always suffer when their parents break up.

I think the issue is that some people expect step mothers to make up for this which isn't reasonable or even possible. If DP didn't adequately care for his children then I would not be able to just step up and fill the gap because I not their parent. I think often women try and step up because they feel it is the right thing to do but they do not have the rights of a parent so they can't and they end being resentful of being put into a role that they can not fulfil. This does not mean they are cruel or hostile towards the children though. It just means that they are in an impossible situation.

It is an impossible situation, I agree. I don't believe anyone can do a really good job of it. Some are actively hostile and resentful, others are doing the best they possibly can. (This applies equally to stepfathers in my opinion.)

The parent is to blame for bringing someone into the heart of the family and inflicting them on their children, who have no choice in the matter.

Sometimes step-parents really are actively cruel and awful to their stepchildren, and it seems to get worse when they have children of their own. I think 'blended families' where each parent already has existing children of their own, so each is a parent and a step-parent, seem to work better as it's a more equal setup.

The hatred women have towards other women is ridiculous - you don't hear men piling on to men like women do?

No you don't- because men are also piling on to women! Never to other men, because...penis. I don't buy this "women hate women and men are just easy going...women are so bitchy and men never bitch". The bitchiest people I've ever met are men. They do tend to bitch more about women though.

Not 100% relevant to the stepmum thing though, but I really dislike this generalisation. It's actually pretty misogynistic (aka women hating) itself

@OnlyAFleshWound some of those threads were about dad guilt.

I think the issue is that some people expect step mothers to make up for this which isn't reasonable or even possible. If DP didn't adequately care for his children then I would not be able to just step up and fill the gap because I not their parent. I think often women try and step up because they feel it is the right thing to do but they do not have the rights of a parent so they can't and they end being resentful of being put into a role that they can not fulfil. This does not mean they are cruel or hostile towards the children though. It just means that they are in an impossible situation.

This! With bells
Thank you @KylieKoKo

Sometimes step-parents really are actively cruel and awful to their stepchildren

Sometimes parents are actively cruel and awful to their children.
However, people tend to give parents support when they are struggling and the benefit of the doubt when they wouldn't step parents.

[quote Kbyodjs]@TheRigatonini I’m very sorry for your experience but I find it very difficult that this is said to common enough to be a stereotype as to me that’s the exception. And for me that’s perhaps the problem that every step mum is then tarred with the same brush.[/quote]
I couldn’t say how common it is, but just a suggestion as to why it is a stereotype and why it is such a recognisable cultural trope.

To use another example, I have an excellent relationship with my MIL (I love her to bits and regard her as my own family – she’s ace, and I also love my partner and have actively nurtured our relationship and encouraged and respected theirs) but can see that the stereotype of there being tension within MIL relationships doesn’t come from nowhere – I’m sure there’s something about the PIL & S/DIL dynamic that for many is challenging or brings up challenging feelings.

That doesn’t mean that all or even most MIL/PIL relationships are fraught in any way, however it happens often enough that the MIL/ in-law stereotype is a thing.

I think its due to so many having emotive experiences, either as a child or a single mother.

my dc have had 3 SMs

the first was good, the 2nd had some terrible episodes that really upset the youngest dc, the 3rd is batshit crazy - but fortunately the dc are all now adults and don't need to deal with her to much - they avoid, avoid, avoid

so when posters reply, they put their own feelings and spin on the threads and posts

However, people tend to give parents support when they are struggling and the benefit of the doubt when they wouldn't step parents.

there was a post on mn before xmas about mother and son, she favoured the dd "apparently" and certainly wasn't cut any slack or supported

I have just remembered when there was a thread about that poor child Arthur who was murdered.

People were posting links to threads on here where step mothers had posted for help and insinuating that they were somehow similar to the woman who killed the poor boy. It was crazy and really goes to show how hated step mothers are!

@KylieKoKo

Sometimes step-parents really are actively cruel and awful to their stepchildren

Sometimes parents are actively cruel and awful to their children.
However, people tend to give parents support when they are struggling and the benefit of the doubt when they wouldn't step parents.

I assume a large part of that is because parents can't walk away from the situation. And also because people understand that deep down, the vast majority of parents do love their children and try their best, even if they fail.

(Yes, there are some truly evil parents, and some truly lovely step-parents. But broadly speaking this is true.)

@KiloWhat

Women who get together with these men and pick up the mess of their shit parenting should rethink their life choices. as one of the women in one of these examples I think you need to calm down a little. My life choices are fine. There is not a mess caused by his lack of thought in sending thank you cards from his children.

Just because these men are useless, pathetic sacks of shit doesn't make it right that their children suffer. I would also like to point out here that DH is also not useless, pathetic or a sack of shit and his children are not suffering because I didn't scribble their name in a card.

There is a spectrum of annoyances as a stepmum. Sometimes things are just minor. They are not relationship ending.

I wasn't referring to your situation, I didn't see that thread. I was replying to the many posters saying that women are expected to pick up the pieces of their useless sack of shit partners.

@OnlyAFleshWound, women are expected to pick up the slack by whom? The shit sack partner? The ex? Society?

I mean there is a reason that so many men (and posters on here) expect it. There is another thread running now about an unwell SM who didn’t pick up her unwell stepchild from school. Even though there are two able bodied parents able to.

Is the useless sack of shit in that example the mother?