Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

Yes, I agree that dynamics change, relationships end, people get together with new people. That's life!

For some people, being cheated on, being replaced with an OW, seeing their ex with a new partner, is the worst thing they can imagine. I am not one of those people, but i accept it is a difficult situation and, as a pp said, if you have to see your ex dye to dcs, and therefore you have to see him with a new dp, that will inevitably remind you of your failed relationship. I think that is something everyone has to accept. Yes, it happens. It can be very hard for some people. That happens too.

Saying "the SP bashers just hate us so much" I don't find particularly helpful for anyone though. It's just a common, but sometimes difficult situation for a lot of people. It probably isn't personal and stepparents are just in that situation which probably is hard for them too. It is what it is and nobody should be cruel to anyone over it, but they are. But as op says "dynamics change", that is life and you have to make the most of it for your own wellbeing. You can't control dickhead ex wives unfortunately and being a stepparent isn't a protected characteristic where you can sue them for being mean to you because you are a stepparent.

It sucks though

Saying "the SP bashers just hate us so much" I don't find particularly helpful for anyone though. It's just a common, but sometimes difficult situation for a lot of people. It probably isn't personal and stepparents are just in that situation which probably is hard for them too.

But it becomes personal when people, especially in large droves, take their issues out on random other step parents who could be posting at an emotionally vulnerable time. People should be held accountable for that, even if it is linked to a situation they find difficult in their life.

Sometimes step parents benefit from hearing that those posters display the same bias time and again on here, so that they KNOW it isn't personal. Otherwise they will naturally assume it is.

I think that's Mumsnet though. It's a total shit show round here if you hadn't noticed

Everyone taking out their personal issues on random strangers who have done nothing to them. Then all the "bashing" complaints. Don't bash me just cos I'm a teacher . Don't bash me just cos I'm a step mum. Don't mum shame me! Don't judge me!

It's a shame. It can still be a good place for debate and advice. I think this thread generally shows that. But there are some angry and outraged people on here generally. There are awful things said to people for no good reason on here. All you can do is report. If you call out the regular "SP bashers" they will just name change and come back. If you report MNHQ can see a pattern and take action

[quote squishy20]**@Veeveeoxox* If it's EOW why is it so difficult? It's just 2 days a fortnight where as you say you lose your DP and relationship. If you are such an adventurous and active person just arrange to make plans and go out most of the time and not be involved.*

a) I didn't expand previously as it didn't feel necessary but it is EOW, plus one mid week evening, plus half of all school holidays, so not quite "just EOW".

b) Because I care? Because DP wants the kids to be more active. As I pointed out in my post, it's one of my qualities he finds endearing. Also, why should the only option be that "I got out"? Again, SM blaming.

He is going to be Disney dad as he probably misses his children if he only sees them once a fortnight this will probably improve with time.

c) So here again I refer to point b). Because I care. Missing your children is one thing, indulging them, to the point that it impacts their development and behaviour and is not nurturing or healthy. I care about this man and consequently care about his kids. It's very naive to think that it will improve with time - whereas in fact behavioural/psychological studies will highlight that parenting in this manner is likely to impact them as they become teens/adults.[/quote]
So you have the kids for 6 weeks of the year plus EOW and one day in the week it's not earth shattering is it ? You still get your DP to yourself a good chunk of time .

You can't force them to be more "active" if they don't want to be. Perhaps introduce activities in slowly but on the whole my advice would be stop caring so much. The kids are your DPs and his ex responsibility not yours, you are creating more stress for yourself by giving it so much headspace. By all means if they are being disrespectful to YOU talk to your DP and say you want to impose some boundaries.

If the Disney dad thing is bothering you so much talk to him but perhaps he was always like that and never did much disciplining of the children while he lived with them. The heart of the matter is you have different views on parenting but they aren't your responsibility to parent.

@aSofaNearYou so true. We don't come along to this board and say "I have a problem" when we are feeling wonderful, do we?

We come here because we feel unsure and vulnerable. Looking for a handhold. And then we get pulled apart.

"OW"
"Breeder"
"Selfish"
"I'm so glad my children don't have a step mother like you"

Even if I think OP is wrong, I always try to offer them some comfort and empathy. It's an absolute minefield, this SM thing.

He is going to be Disney dad as he probably misses his children if he only sees them once a fortnight this will probably improve with time.

It probably won't! If nothing changes, nothing changes. The children at 18 will still be babied, indulged and unprepared for the rough realities of adult life. Zero-hours, the scramble for jobs and accommodation etc. don't vanish because the children are raised in a bubble, sadly. You'll end up with puppy eyes and (sucking thumb) 'daddy pay', or anger and aggression when they find he can't.

And then there is that sword hanging over your head. What happens if they fall out with Mum? What happens if Mum is sick, or worse? Then, suddenly, they are all yours to sort out - and you are facing an angry 9 year old in a 6 foot and built frame.

Even if I think OP is wrong, I always try to offer them some comfort and empathy

Well, so do I. And I'm not even a SM. Just not a dick. You get dicks on MN. Rest assured, this doesn't mean that all first wives hate you as a species

If it's EOW why is it so difficult? It's just 2 days a fortnight where as you say you lose your DP and relationship. If you are such an adventurous and active person just arrange to make plans and go out most of the time and not be involved.

EOW (plus school holiday time) is actually quite a lot of time to live with children that aren't yours it's not as negligible as you might originally think. I'm sure if you had your nieces/nephews to stay every other weekend you would consider that quite a lot in terms of time spent.

@GorgeousGeorgiana

Even if I think OP is wrong, I always try to offer them some comfort and empathy

Well, so do I. And I'm not even a SM. Just not a dick. You get dicks on MN. Rest assured, this doesn't mean that all first wives hate you as a species

I stop short of a pity party though, which again, is never helpful

And same to difficult exws BTW; I'd probably try to offer some comfort or empathy, but would stop short of a pity party. It's a difficult set of relationships to navigate. Not a terminal cancer diagnosis.

@Veeveeoxox
So you have the kids for 6 weeks of the year plus EOW and one day in the week it's not earth shattering is it ? You still get your DP to yourself a good chunk of time .
This isn't an issue about how much time I get with my DP? Sounds like you're reading into something that's not there. My DP chose to be with me, knowing that he was bringing me into his family life (if we refer to the age old "you knew what you were getting into" line) - should it not be a collaboration/compromise that we work out how we integrate TOGETHER as a blended family - not an all or nothing?

You can't force them to be more "active" if they don't want to be. Perhaps introduce activities in slowly but on the whole my advice would be stop caring so much. The kids are your DPs and his ex responsibility not yours, you are creating more stress for yourself by giving it so much headspace. By all means if they are being disrespectful to YOU talk to your DP and say you want to impose some boundaries.
Correct. I can't force these children (or any other human) to do anything. But DP as a parent (with me as his chosen partner/role model for his kids) has the right to choose how to parent. He has a duty of care to his children (and to a certain extent, as do I). If this was a safeguarding issue, 100% I would be accountable. If he tells me that he doesn't want his DSS to spend 6 hours a day on the console as he thinks it's unhealthy, I think it's understandable to be frustrated when yet another weekend goes by and DSS has spent 6+ hours each day on a console and DP has done nothing different to all the previous times we've reflected on it. DP hasn't done anything - not because he is a bad person, or some kind of failure - because it's HARD! Parenting is hard. Making choices that you know are going to upset your kids is hard.
I'm not going to stop being more caring - much of the vitriol written on here is that SM don't care about the kids - now I am being told to stop caring!!!

If the Disney dad thing is bothering you so much talk to him but perhaps he was always like that and never did much disciplining of the children while he lived with them. The heart of the matter is you have different views on parenting but they aren't your responsibility to parent.
It's ridiculous to think that I haven't talked to him about it. That's actually part of the problem - I have talked to him. I know how he wants to parent, but that doesn't match how he IS parenting.

Sometimes all that is needed is just some active listening and validation. Not "do this", "don't do that", "leave him".... sometimes just "I can see that is a difficult situation for all involved" it's all that is needed for people to feel heard and understood.

@Glitterygreen

If it's EOW why is it so difficult? It's just 2 days a fortnight where as you say you lose your DP and relationship. If you are such an adventurous and active person just arrange to make plans and go out most of the time and not be involved.

EOW (plus school holiday time) is actually quite a lot of time to live with children that aren't yours it's not as negligible as you might originally think. I'm sure if you had your nieces/nephews to stay every other weekend you would consider that quite a lot in terms of time spent.

How many people across the country were breathing a sigh of relief last week, after having extended family/in laws over to stay during the Christmas period...

My husband's ex wife:

"EOW is nothing. It's only 2 days a fortnight. They won't even know who you are. Get your shit together. You're not even a real father because you only have them EOW."

Also my husband's ex wife:

"You can't let him have them EOW, judge. It's too much! It's too often! It's too long! They shouldn't be away from me for all that time. They won't survive!"

I have a very good relationship with my SM . I lived full time with my DF he chose never to blend families and she never got involved with parenting me . She was just a listening ear occasionally , he probably did over pamper me occasionally as my DM was very mentally ill so was incapable of parenting me. I'm forever grateful he never moved someone in when me and DB were very vulnerable and still living at home. I see him most weeks and we have a very close relationship, I moved out have a career and a family. I'm grateful he chose someone so nice who didn't push for the blended family thing or try to parent us.

@Veeveeoxox

I have a very good relationship with my SM . I lived full time with my DF he chose never to blend families and she never got involved with parenting me . She was just a listening ear occasionally , he probably did over pamper me occasionally as my DM was very mentally ill so was incapable of parenting me. I'm forever grateful he never moved someone in when me and DB were very vulnerable and still living at home. I see him most weeks and we have a very close relationship, I moved out have a career and a family. I'm grateful he chose someone so nice who didn't push for the blended family thing or try to parent us.

I'm glad you had a positive experience.

However this does infer something that is a very common stick used to bash step parents on here - which is the idea that parents should not move in with subsequent partners, and it's said partner's fault if they do. It's incredibly common on here.

I wouldn't have been interested in my DP if he had not wanted to move in with me and have our own children. But his decision to do so was on him, and yet it's treated on here as though it's fair game to blame the step parent for the parent not prioritizing living separately for the sake of the children.

@Veeveeoxox I have a very good relationship with my SM . I lived full time with my DF he chose never to blend families and she never got involved with parenting me .

I appreciate you sharing your experience - but now you have explained that, it is evident why you are being quite narrow in your understanding of a complex blended family dynamic. I am guessing that you're not a Step parent yourself? You only know what you know, and you won't know what it would have been like if SM lived full time with your DF. Could have been worse, could have been better!

Note my DP and I made a mutual decision to move in together as that is what we wanted for our blended family future! You make it sound like I am the driving force here. My DP wanted me to co-parent with him in a blended family set up. Your DF chose not to. Totally different life choices at play here.

@aSofaNearYou However this does infer something that is a very common stick used to bash step parents on here - which is the idea that parents should not move in with subsequent partners, and it's said partner's fault if they do. It's incredibly common on here.

YES! And also, why is it default that moving a partner in is a bad thing? If two adults love each other and can be positive role models, modelling love, attentiveness, support, good qualities etc (that often didn't exist in the previous relationship), why would that be a bad thing for the SC?

My exh beat me, did drugs and emotionally abused me - that is the only experience my kids have of a role model of a father/husband and a relationship. I wish they had the exposure to a healthy, loving, caring romantic relationship in their family home (as I have with DP now).

To be fair to @Veeveeoxox I don't think her intent was to seem narrow minded. She's had a fantastic experience with a step mother and that's a really positive thing. It would seem that not living together was correct for the entire family - parents included. And that's fab! It definitely doesn't insinuate that all blended families should operate this way, in order to be successful... even if we might infer that because we are protective over our own choices and our own family units.

Thanks to Veevee for sharing her story - I genuinely find it heart warming to hear these success stories, however different they may be from my own.

I moved in with my step children about 4 years after meeting them, when I became engaged to their father. We've had a fairly smooth ride actually... not without some bumps though, of course! I like to think we're a success story too. And I do think I've improved their lives. I brought with me some great traditions (um hello... they'd never been on a Christmas lights safari!), a cat who is now a much beloved family pet, an iron... they all really needed one, and enough cake recipes to sink a ship. I think they do like having me around. They tell me that they love me every single day and I think they mean it. I love them too!

It depends on the children and their circumstances it definitely was better my DF didn't blend as we had a traumatic few years with our DM. We quite simply wouldn't have coped with a SM blending and a new step brother. If the children are fine go ahead and blend but do it carefully and thoughtfully each child is different. I do think some parents put their love lives ahead of their children and it's selfish moving in with partners quickly who they don't really know and have clashing parenting styles Then some have a revolving door of new partners.
My DF and SM were very thoughtful and I will always be grateful towards them .

It definitely doesn't insinuate that all blended families should operate this way, in order to be successful... even if we might infer that because we are protective over our own choices and our own family units.

Hmm, I don't know, I think to an extent it does infer that, and her subsequent comment does suggest that further, with talk of selfishness and people that don't operate that way only thinking of their love life.

Since the subject of this thread is the hard time people unfairly give step parents on here, I think it would be remiss not to point out that that comment was actually echoing the sentiments often expressed by the people who do that! I'm just glad that that comment in particular did place blame with the parents.

@Veeveeoxox my poor step children have had the revolving door at the other end.

At one point a man moved out in the November and a new one moved in at the beginning of the following February. And they have to call them all "dad".

I can't imagine what it's like to have all these strangers coming and going. :(

Hmm, I don't know, I think to an extent it does infer that, and her subsequent comment does suggest that further, with talk of selfishness and people that don't operate that way only thinking of their love life.

And that is how interpreted it too. I think the sentiments that @Veeveeoxox expressed, whilst valuable and insightful to read from a different perspective, were misplaced in the context of this thread which is talking about SM-blaming!

I don't know...I think the onus is on the parent to decide whether or not it would be harmful to blend families. That isn't on the SM. But I don't think @Veeveeoxox said it was?

Also, while it's totally understandable to me when stepmothers say they value their time without step dcs around, and maybe they'd rather they maintain their own home as they know they need more space away from dcs, I also is understandable when children say the same. They value their time away from stepmum and are happy they don't have to live with them. Maybe not 100% relevant to the thread, but hardly offensive? What am I missing?

Wow that went down a little rabbit hole there.

My perspective is (as it's only a perspective) is that there's a big difference between a revolving door with new partners and a couple making the active choice to live together and build a family together.

The problem with I think what was put it insulates that this is common place. Maybe it is, I don't know but the posters who come on here and say I have been with DP for 4 years and we moved in after that often get the, "well that's nice you moved far to fast poor SC" and "this is why I would never do this to my children, selfish"

If assuming say those shaming comments are true for sake of argument that revolving door is being opened repeatedly by the dad.That has little to do with the SM or SMs

The second comment insinuates that the because of the children, parents are not allowed to human in their own right. That's some type of insta glossy bollocks right there, The needs of a child must be met, the wants of a child need to be looked at by a case by case basis. Which is often actually shown the OP and DH has done that.

These words are applied regardless of what the OP has put.

Just because you don't do what a child wants at all times isn't a scandalous thing or a bad thing. And by the nature of the posters here people who do move in too fast without considering the kids, are unlikely to come and ask for advice on MN. By nature these are people who have considered things or they wouldn't post.

It's important to note that we can't tar everyone with the same brush.
Accountability has to be put at the door of the people who created the door.

Blending works for some, part blending works for others, keeping it separate works for the other set.

If there was magical book that said move in after x time on here we wouldn't have as many ding dongs. To assume people wouldn't consider the children involved is fairly dumb and it's always a move in after a week type job is just a bit mental.

In my view.

@GorgeousGeorgiana

I don't know...I think the onus is on the parent to decide whether or not it would be harmful to blend families. That isn't on the SM. But I don't think *@Veeveeoxox* said it was?

Also, while it's totally understandable to me when stepmothers say they value their time without step dcs around, and maybe they'd rather they maintain their own home as they know they need more space away from dcs, I also is understandable when children say the same. They value their time away from stepmum and are happy they don't have to live with them. Maybe not 100% relevant to the thread, but hardly offensive? What am I missing?

I think and someone correct me if I'm wrong but the @Veeveeoxox seems to have started to pick at pp saying well EOW isn't a lot so why not let him Disney dad and why would EOW seem a lot to you. Why do you want him to stop Disney dadding in very much a tone of - get back in your box not your place.

It's the lack of comprehension from someone who hasn't been a step parent questioning why someone is there having a opinion. SP are entitled to opinions (as is everyone else but they have to live with the consequences of Disney dadding but it's particularly painful people to try and minimise someone else's struggle. Esp one who hasn't walked in that situation. Feels a bit tone deaf.

Although I suppose people are allowed to be tone deaf ...