Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

I remember a thread where poster was a SM and her partner had lost his job (so she had lost half her household income). The child's mother didn't work and expected the SM to cover maintenance even though she was now the sole bread winner and had her own child to provide for.

Apparently it was none of the SM's business that the mother wasn't prepared to get a job but the mother was entitled to the SM's wages. The SM must hate her step child if she wasn't prepared step in to fill the gap in income. The mother on the other hand had every right to stay at home and it would be unreasonable to suggest that perhaps it was time for her to get job ...

Women who get together with these men and pick up the mess of their shit parenting should rethink their life choices

Oh my life. 😳🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

[quote sassbott]@OnlyAFleshWound, women are expected to pick up the slack by whom? The shit sack partner? The ex? Society?

I mean there is a reason that so many men (and posters on here) expect it. There is another thread running now about an unwell SM who didn’t pick up her unwell stepchild from school. Even though there are two able bodied parents able to.

Is the useless sack of shit in that example the mother?[/quote]
I have no idea. The whole thing sounds like a complete disaster. People should look after their own kids and stop dragging other adults into the mess they've made of their lives.

@PeeAche

Women who get together with these men and pick up the mess of their shit parenting should rethink their life choices

Oh my life. 😳🙄🤦🏻‍♀️

Which part of the statement do you disagree with?

The vast majority of SP also try love and do their best for the SC. Yet they are met with hostility, rudeness or disregard.

@ivykaty44 geez your kids have been unlucky with 3 x SMs. Why aren't you blaming their father for the poor choices he's made?

@OnlyAFleshWound

I'm a step mum and agree that step mums are often subject to funny assumptions and hostility, but I also find the attitudes towards step children I sometimes see on here to be sad. I love my partner's children and miss them when they are not here 50% of the time. They act as siblings to my LO from a previous relationship, and I think its a great that he has the benefit of that without me having to give birth to more children!

I do find some comments which express resentment to stepchildren upsetting. I especially don't understand the ones where posters say they would leave if step kids moved in full time.

I think the real problem 80% of the time is not the ex, or the kids, it's that the dad doesn't parent properly.

[quote jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj]@OnlyAFleshWound

I'm a step mum and agree that step mums are often subject to funny assumptions and hostility, but I also find the attitudes towards step children I sometimes see on here to be sad. I love my partner's children and miss them when they are not here 50% of the time. They act as siblings to my LO from a previous relationship, and I think its a great that he has the benefit of that without me having to give birth to more children!

I do find some comments which express resentment to stepchildren upsetting. I especially don't understand the ones where posters say they would leave if step kids moved in full time.

I think the real problem 80% of the time is not the ex, or the kids, it's that the dad doesn't parent properly.[/quote]
That is really lovely to hear. Your stepchildren are very lucky to have you.

Why and who are you so angry with @OnlyAFleshWound ? Have you had a bad experience that's causing so much hostility on this thread?

@OnlyAFleshWound

Oh nothing really. Maybe just the part where my husband is a shit parent and I should reconsider my life choices. Small things like that.

@UsernameFail

Why and who are you so angry with *@OnlyAFleshWound* ? Have you had a bad experience that's causing so much hostility on this thread?

This ^ is exactly what I meant earlier when I said people always call it 'projection' if someone expresses a different opinion.

It's also a blatant ad hominem fallacy.

[quote PeeAche]@OnlyAFleshWound

Oh nothing really. Maybe just the part where my husband is a shit parent and I should reconsider my life choices. Small things like that. [/quote]
Who said that? Not me.

I am envious @jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj and tbh I have a great relationship with my SS and he's a good brother to DS.

Sadly it's very different with SD.
But you are right, the father has not parented properly and the mother has manipulated her. It happens.

@UsernameFail

I am envious *@jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj* and tbh I have a great relationship with my SS and he's a good brother to DS.

Sadly it's very different with SD.
But you are right, the father has not parented properly and the mother has manipulated her. It happens.

Identical circumstances here. SD's mum has done an awesome job of alienating DH and he was the ultimate Disney dad when I met him. Making up for his "shortfalls" when in reality all he'd done was make a go of it with a woman who sprang the first pregnancy on him 3 months into their relationship and the second 2 years later.

6 years later and he left his miserable marriage and boy did she tell the kids that he did.

SS is easy, lovely, polite and kind. SD is high conflict, manipulative and jealous of her dad not giving her 100% of his attention and money.

In my opinion it's not the dad that failed her or her stepmum. It's her mother who fed her horrible alienation for years but I copped it when I coached DH into pushing back on her princess demands. Yep, all my fault for trying to say "no, you can't throw parties in our house during Covid". Seriously, shoot the stepmum

I apologise if I've assumed you've been hurt @OnlyAFleshWound but no one else is using the language and emotion you are using.
To me, your posts are very hostile and I am trying to understand where you are coming from.

I think most of us are having quite a measured conversation

Of course it's all your fault @Dollyparton3 How dare you not allow a party during Covid

[quote jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj]@OnlyAFleshWound

I'm a step mum and agree that step mums are often subject to funny assumptions and hostility, but I also find the attitudes towards step children I sometimes see on here to be sad. I love my partner's children and miss them when they are not here 50% of the time. They act as siblings to my LO from a previous relationship, and I think its a great that he has the benefit of that without me having to give birth to more children!

I do find some comments which express resentment to stepchildren upsetting. I especially don't understand the ones where posters say they would leave if step kids moved in full time.

I think the real problem 80% of the time is not the ex, or the kids, it's that the dad doesn't parent properly.[/quote]
What is frustrating though is that most step parents would feel that way if being around their step children was enjoyable. For whatever reason, whether that be their behaviour or that of their parents, it isn't for many. Why assume that it must be some failing in the step parent, rather than the whole thing might just genuinely not be as enjoyable for them as it is for you?

@UsernameFail

I apologise if I've assumed you've been hurt *@OnlyAFleshWound* but no one else is using the language and emotion you are using. To me, your posts are very hostile and I am trying to understand where you are coming from.

I think most of us are having quite a measured conversation

Sorry if it comes across that way. Genuinely not intended.

@aSofaNearYou
What is frustrating though is that most step parents would feel that way if being around their step children was enjoyable. For whatever reason, whether that be their behaviour or that of their parents, it isn't for many. Why assume that it must be some failing in the step parent, rather than the whole thing might just genuinely not be as enjoyable for them as it is for you?

It's not a child's job to provide entertainment or enjoyment for adults - parents, step-parents, whoever. It's an adult's job to take care of the children they're responsible for, and to 'be the grown-up' in that situation.

If they find it such a trial, they should remove themselves from the situation, rather than blaming the child for being insufficiently 'enjoyable'.

*It's not a child's job to provide entertainment or enjoyment for adults - parents, step-parents, whoever. It's an adult's job to take care of the children they're responsible for, and to 'be the grown-up' in that situation.

If they find it such a trial, they should remove themselves from the situation, rather than blaming the child for being insufficiently 'enjoyable'.*

It's clear you have a very specific angle on this thread but others are talking about slightly different issues, discussion of whether the SP should leave or not is somewhat redundant in this context.

I was responding to a poster saying she loves her step children and misses them when they aren't there, and it saddens her when others feel less positively than that.

I did not say children had to be entertaining, I said they are sometimes not enjoyable. This was a polite way of saying sometimes their presence is actively un-enjoyable.

I didn't speak of finding it such a trial. In my case, I don't find it so unpleasant that I need to leave. But I don't feel as strongly positive as that poster did, and it's not because I am less loving or unkind as a person, it's more likely because my SC is less pleasant to be around than hers is. In others cases, it's because the parents make it awful. Yet many see "oh you don't love your SC as much as I do, it must be because you're more of a bad person."

I just found it really lovely to read her post. It's good to know that there are stepparents who feel that way towards the children who, without any choice in the matter, share their lives.

It is really, really sad for children to be unwelcome and unwanted in their own home. There's no way around that.

I can't say whether that's down to what the individual children are like, whether it comes down to the stepparent's attitude/personality, or a bit of both. And nor can anyone else.

But children are in the process of forming as people, not 'finished', and the way they are treated/viewed by the important adults in their life will make a difference, both in the short and long term.

@PeeAche I love your post and I can relate to the en suite scenario long hot baths, books and wine are my childfree bliss hour

It’s hard as the expectation that you will love your partners kids as much as your own and then to somehow be made to feel abnormal if you don’t is very conflicting..that’s the part I find really complex anyway!

Where does that expectation even come from though? It's so unrealistic.

Of course stepmums don't generally love their stepchildren like their own. If everyone could just be open and admit that, it would be a lot better for everyone.

But there's a difference between ot loving them like your own and openly resenting them and the time they spend with with dads. Especially when they're quite tiny. It's just a really ugly way to be towards a small child, no matter what your relationship to them

Apology accepted @OnlyAFleshWound *:)

Children. Are. Forming. 100% when they are children. It is our job as parents to teach them and this includes how to have healthy relationships. if you're lucky, how to be a good parent too. Not everyone has had good parenting and even those who have do their best and fail.

Children also need boundaries and they would have boundaries in the nucleus family. Suddenly there is a 'new' family and children refuse to have boundaries and parents lax boundaries for feeling sorry for the split in the family and so the SP becomes the scapegoat for it all.

There is good and bad in everyone, however I think there are very few 'evil, wicked' (insert SM) people out there who deliberately go into a marriage and think how can I be awful to these children and make their lives hell to warrant the abuse that SMs receive.

@GorgeousGeorgiana I completely agree with your post, I think people should be more open. Often the pressure has actually been from my partner I think which has caused some conflict sadly..I think as long as you’re kind, welcoming and nice the love part will come (or many not!) in its own time