Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

Also, think sometimes the "I love them like my own" expectation placed on stepmothers is another convenient thing for lazy dads. "Ah, she loves them like her own" = she does all my childcare for me in exchange for me saying this.

I attribute the good relationship I have with my DSD partially to the fact that dp and their mum had zero expectations on me beyond being kind to them. Our relationship has developed naturally and I'm like an auntie if anything.

@OnlyAFleshWound

I just found it really lovely to read her post. It's good to know that there are stepparents who feel that way towards the children who, without any choice in the matter, share their lives.

It is really, really sad for children to be unwelcome and unwanted in their own home. There's no way around that.

I can't say whether that's down to what the individual children are like, whether it comes down to the stepparent's attitude/personality, or a bit of both. And nor can anyone else.

But children are in the process of forming as people, not 'finished', and the way they are treated/viewed by the important adults in their life will make a difference, both in the short and long term.

Again, most people would probably feel that way towards the children IF they had landed in a situation as pleasant as the people who do. It's not a reason to begrudge the step parents who weren't, so don't.

@UsernameFail

Apology accepted *@OnlyAFleshWound* *:)

Children. Are. Forming. 100% when they are children. It is our job as parents to teach them and this includes how to have healthy relationships. if you're lucky, how to be a good parent too. Not everyone has had good parenting and even those who have do their best and fail.

Children also need boundaries and they would have boundaries in the nucleus family. Suddenly there is a 'new' family and children refuse to have boundaries and parents lax boundaries for feeling sorry for the split in the family and so the SP becomes the scapegoat for it all.

There is good and bad in everyone, however I think there are very few 'evil, wicked' (insert SM) people out there who deliberately go into a marriage and think how can I be awful to these children and make their lives hell to warrant the abuse that SMs receive.

Correct OP. I think that the flip side here that a lot of the critiques don't understand is this:

My experience of being a step mum is that I'm everything to everyone. Wife, on duty spare mum at weekends, I cook, clean, organise events, schedules, holidays, birthdays, I wash their clothes, make their bedrooms nice and I work full time.

I was also in a previous life a confidant to SD when she had something she didn't want to talk to either parent about. I'm a counsellor of sorts to my husband when his ex wife decides just to be difficult "because". On occasion I've also proofread and amended his replies to her. I'm a dutiful daughter in law to his parents. Add to that an interior designer to our new home, Finally I also contribute significantly to the kids household here and in the past to all of their treats, holidays, presents, cars etc.

That doesn't make me a mug, 10 days out of every fortnight I do that for myself. And I take pride in being able to do all of these things as a wife and partner.

On the flip side I've had 8 years of feeling like there's surveillance cameras in our home and every single damn thing has been scrutinised, criticised and commented on. I've stood down from things I wanted to do because the plans have changed last minute and always at the weekend. The one weekend I went ahead with my plans it was immediately judged because the ex wife has trained the kids to report back.

I was not the OW. I have gone far and above any effort that the kids mum puts in and yet if I dared to say on here that I love it when the kids aren't here because they're not mine, I'll be strung from the rafters. But I do. I'm free of the vitriolic crap that comes part and parcel with being a step mum when it's just me and DH and no, I didn't know what I was getting myself
Into.

I can highly recommend the Radical Stemom podcast and Instagram page for a safe space where step mums can see a really genuine sentiment of the reality of step parenting.

I had two wonderful step mum's and now have another wonderful step mum. (Dad has been married three times)
I don't think they do get a bad press generally. However some of the posts in here make me shudder.

I always had a great relationship with mine because they included me in everything , treated me entirely as if I was their "real" child

Some of the posts here honestly make my toes curl. So in a nutshell many many get the step mum minefield right and others don't.

If they find it such a trial, they should remove themselves from the situation, rather than blaming the child for being insufficiently 'enjoyable'.

I find my own DD a trial on occasion (many occasions actually treeangers are so much fun 😅) and not enjoyable in the slightest. The assumption that a mothers love will make this a easier pill to swallow is silly. I still struggle but I can say that out loud and mums will say "ohhh me too" and have someone say sounds like you hate your child.

Now switch that with a SC and the expectation that I must love that child and never be say omg that weekend was hard because someone will come along and say I hate my SC. The term hate is used to freely here, there's shades of grey, it makes sense to say you sound frustrated with your SC, sounds like you hate your SC has a whole new implication that isn't every remotely true or helpful.

@OnlyAFleshWound I'm reference to your previous comment way way down.

Having both a DD and SC has shown me on universal true. Kids are annoying in their own special ways. That doesn't mean I'm going to exclude my SC or treat her any less because I'm not her mum.
The assumption that I would treat my SC badly or like I find her a inconvenience to me is insulting. I find all kids annoying in their own way. I way not be totally white in my approach but I'm a lighter shade of grey than many posters would assume if they looked in my head. Most people automatically jump to the black worst case scenario which is nothing but unfucking productive.

It's that assumption that grates and I'm sure there are bad SMs but Its unlikely that those ones are ones are seeking advice on MN. They genuinely wouldn't care enough to post, let alone take any heed in what's said if they get called a bad SM. If you have someone reaching out for help, they are posting you have to assume on some level they give a toss. Shutting down the conversation or shaming them does little to help, and will hinder the children.
For instance your posts have come across emotive (from my perspective and that may for all I know not be your intention) but many posters have asked why (not jumped down your throat) , but your engaging with the subject and debate, so there's must a part of you that wants to explore that subject. Even if it's hard to read. Well same for any poster and even more with SP when there isn't a rule book ! Some people just want to explore ideas, feelings and thoughts and some need support.

@PeeAche honestly sometimes I think your a absolute saint with what you have put up with really do. Bath is my safe too ! Bliss !

@sassbott I'm with you, this stuff has got to at some point be point at the parents door.

@UsernameFail your a brave one for this post but actually on the whole this has been a really measured post ! Hurrah hell must have frozen over lol 😂

@aSofaNearYou

My LO and SC are boys and spend time on football related activities and fart competitions so I don't know if enjoyable is the right word, but they are funny, adorable and sometimes insightful.

Another benefit of being a step parent I find is that their dad does most of the drudgery, like school runs (as I do with my LO). So we get the upsides more children bring but less of the extra work.

I didn't know what I was getting myself into

I think this is true of most stepmums tbh. I hate that line "you knew what you were signing up for".

But, at the same time, if people point out to women just starting a relationship with a man with kids, that maybe it's a hornet's nest they may want to avoid, they're often dismissed quickly as being stepmum haters.

@GorgeousGeorgiana

Where does that expectation even come from though? It's so unrealistic.

Of course stepmums don't generally love their stepchildren like their own. If everyone could just be open and admit that, it would be a lot better for everyone.

But there's a difference between ot loving them like your own and openly resenting them and the time they spend with with dads. Especially when they're quite tiny. It's just a really ugly way to be towards a small child, no matter what your relationship to them

Step families originated from high levels of maternal death. They were born more out of necessity from the society that needed a mother or mother figure and a element of forced choice opposed to actual choice. This is reflected in Disney films ect, even to the dad who by all accounts is very not visible or present other than marrying the evil step mum.

The problem is now actually maternal death isn't how must blended families come to be. Society has moved on and because most blended families are built on the pain of a first family dying, it's not the sturdiest ground. Back in the day if mum died dear dad would just be grateful that the kids had a mother figure, now there are two and bugger me some of these men don't know what to do with it.

That's why you see a lot of mums getting territorial over who's in charge, step mums walking the line and dads bumbling around looking always a little bit lost. Society changed faster than the social narrative could be built so we defaulted back to existing ways of being.

Most blended families get all the bad stuff up front, once everyone calms the duck down and finds there fit, you often find these families thrive. But the first hard bit is Uber bloody hard and some don't want to do the work (mainly but not always the men)

@GorgeousGeorgiana

I didn't know what I was getting myself into

I think this is true of most stepmums tbh. I hate that line "you knew what you were signing up for".

But, at the same time, if people point out to women just starting a relationship with a man with kids, that maybe it's a hornet's nest they may want to avoid, they're often dismissed quickly as being stepmum haters.

I think if we highlighted the top 10 pitfalls of being a stepMum there would be no stepmums

[quote jfhguseorjgijaerigjarfgj]@aSofaNearYou

My LO and SC are boys and spend time on football related activities and fart competitions so I don't know if enjoyable is the right word, but they are funny, adorable and sometimes insightful.

Another benefit of being a step parent I find is that their dad does most of the drudgery, like school runs (as I do with my LO). So we get the upsides more children bring but less of the extra work.[/quote]
Well my DSS is rarely funny, adorable or insightful. Being honest, he is simply not that pleasant to be around. He demands an awful lot but is very difficult to build much of a connection with because he simply hardly ever listens to or engages with what anyone else is saying. To the extent that even his parents, spearheaded by his mother who definitely DOES have the natural, maternal love to view his behaviour as compassionately as possible, had him tested multiple times for hearing issues. As it turned out, his hearing is fine, he just doesn't want to listen to people. He's even admitted before to finding it boring when he's not the one leading conversations and activities.

So there it is. Believe me, I'd love to love and miss him. But as it is, there's not really anything driving me to feel that way. I don't hate him being around, but I couldn't say I missed him. And it isn't because of anything to do with me or my capacity or desire to be compassionate.

I'm not a SM but I sometimes read the SM board when a post comes on active . About 4 years ago me and OH went through a really bad patch but then the thought of splitting / blending families and a new step mum really put me off also blending families with a new man . We are happy now but I think the cusp of it is you can't control who your EXH would choose as a partner so he could end up with someone horrible.

The thought of my DD forced to spend time with someone resenting her existence would upset me also the sharing of resources let's face it most people want the inheritance to go to their own children not shared with other siblings that aren't related to you, even from your ex, you want your offspring to get the most of the resources . It's a very primal thing. I think a lot of people split and move on very quickly without thinking of the implications to the existing children.

If we did split and he ended up with a new woman I think I would do my best to be cordial and diplomatic as that's what is best for DD but I would still think those things and have fears.

Absolutely MN is a hotbed of stepmother hate. I once posted because I was stressed and exhausted working for all mine and DPS wage to go to his ex every month because she made a lot of crazy bad decisions and refused to go to work even with DC in nursery. DC lived with us 50/50 and we bought literally all his things all clothes, all food (in both homes) all bills and rent paid for by us everything DC owned. DC's mother had actually committed a crime and yet posters all piled on calling me and dp cunts and saying they felt sorry for the mother because we clearly made her life hell. Oh and I was told me and dp did the bare minimum as well was insane.

I have a good relationship with my SM , they never blended families , I lived with my dad. She said to me if I met your dad younger I would have loved to have had a baby with him I'm glad they didn't as I definitely wouldn't have liked that. Haha!!

You just can't win as a step parent op.
I was telling an old friend about how my stepson had sworn at a teacher once and how when he came to stay that weekend, l told him that wasn't acceptable behaviour and he made a bad choice. I was really calm and spoke to him respectfully but when l was telling my friend about it, she was horrified that l had "told him off because that's not your place!"
Right so he can get away with shitty behaviour because he is not mine? OK then. Would have said it to a friend's child if they did the same... and would expect anyone to tell my dd the same if she ever behaved like that. She has massive issues with her dad's wife as she called her (never stepmum)
But automatically being a stepmum
makes you a villain.
Dss is an adult now so thankfully am past all that shite now

@Veeveeoxox

I have a good relationship with my SM , they never blended families , I lived with my dad. She said to me if I met your dad younger I would have loved to have had a baby with him I'm glad they didn't as I definitely wouldn't have liked that. Haha!!

Lol that’s so weird @Veeveeoxox my Dad‘s girlfriend said exactly the same to me early on in their relationship.

I think it's just the Internet. Easy target and all that.

No child should have to spend their one and only childhood feeling unwanted and resented in their own family home.

Probably said home is bought and paid for by the SM. Judging by most of the regulars on this forum. If their Mum expects her kids to be top dog in another woman's house, expect said woman to get just a little tetchy.

@SpaceshiptoMars

No child should have to spend their one and only childhood feeling unwanted and resented in their own family home.

Probably said home is bought and paid for by the SM. Judging by most of the regulars on this forum. If their Mum expects her kids to be top dog in another woman's house, expect said woman to get just a little tetchy.

You see, that is the kind of comment that makes people go cold all over. Just utterly vile and stinking of resentment, pettiness and bile. I pity any child, step or otherwise, who has to live at close quarters with that shit.

The above is @OnlyAFleshWound

Just utterly vile and stinking of resentment, pettiness and bile.

I'm not stinking of resentment, pettiness and bile. I don't have an ex to contend with. But I do read lots of threads on here where SMs are tearing there hair out, because the Mum expects to rule the SMs life as if she was their naughty child.

You see, that is the kind of comment that makes people go cold all over. Just utterly vile and stinking of resentment, pettiness and bile. I pity any child, step or otherwise, who has to live at close quarters with that shit. @sadpapercourtesan* @OnlyAFleshWound* (which ever one you are)

Genuine question - can you expand on that. Remove the emotive language, and the dramatics and explain ? Why would a dear mum should think to have control over someone else's house ? Why is what spaceships put made you go cold. What's the actual bones of your issue here.

As a mum I wouldn't ever think I had the right over someone else's house. Am I missing something

@sadpapercourtesan you pity children who are expected to follow house rules when with their dad? So you let your children rule the roost? Or have I misunderstood?

It's not just step mums.

There's a lack of balance and reason on a lot of the pages, like the relationship page.

Comparing real life to a lot of MN threads is quite different. I realise it's a place to vent but the narrative is always finish the relationship/ run/etc. There's a lack of perspective in my view.

For me I think a lot of it comes from the vastly different ideas people have of a "blended family" and lots of people refusing to see any way but their way as the "right" way.

I think some poster's (and it is often those who have no step children of their own as well) have this ideal image of a step parent who loves their SC like their own child, treats then exactly the same, becomes essentially a 3rd parent doing everything they would do for their own child for their SC, missing them when they are gone and so on...

I'm sure that can happen but I think for most people it just isn't like that.

There is no one on this earth that I could love like I love my son. My step children don't even come close I'm afraid. I'm not sorry for that. He is the absolute love of my life and my whole world, no one competes. And I truly don't believe that makes me unkind or cold or bitter or any of the other things people say. I'm still very nice to my SC, I still like and care for them but it's just not remotely the same level. I don't love them like my own DC and I don't miss them.

To me the perfect blended family is one in which the SP is not put upon, is not used as childcare, is not expected to pick up things the parents should be doing. Me existing is not an excuse for my SC's parents not to parent. I don't expect to be needed for school runs or holiday cover pr anything like that. I'll help in a pinch and if I'm free like another family member may do but I would loathe the idea of it being expected.

And I'd feel the same if my son ever had a SP. No other woman or man will ever be responsible for my son. He is mine and his father's.

I hate this whole thing on here as well of you not being able to do anything with your own DC without always thinking about or factoring in DSC. Always analysing everything you do and whether it is potentially exclusionary etc... I could not be bothered with that at all. I will continue to parent my son how I want to, I will continue to do things with him as and when we want to and I won't feel guilty about it. I'll never feel guilty for simply being a mother to my son. Not ever. I'll never feel guilty for doing the same things for and feeling about my son as my SC's mother does and feels for them. He is my priority, he occupies most of my thoughts, my SC do not take up the same headspace and never will just like I'm sure they are and do tor their own mother. It is not important enough to me to analyse everything I do and fret so much about being exclusionary, to take away from my own son.

I think people hate that SMs don't feel the same way about SC as their own. I think it worries some mothers on here when they read it and that may be fair and understandable, but I also think it's unrealistic and if most were being honest they couldn't and wouldn't either. It's an unrealistic ideal that rarely works in practice and I think the pressure of it is what causes the resentment and bitterness not the actual "not loving like your own" itself.