Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

And don't even get me started on the "you knew what you were getting into" shite. It's so boring and predictable.

In reality, how could anyone truly know? As is evidenced daily on this board, and across MN in general, no family is the same. No family strictly follows the same set of "rules". Where one "blended family" may involve a Dad who does all the parenting himself and a lovely ex who's friendly with you, there will be another with a shitty Dad who expects his wife to be the dogs-body whilst the kids mother gives her shit for either overstepping/existing/not doing enough or whatever.

It's actually completely unpredictable because you are dealing with other people, and the way they behave will determine how you feel, how you behave and what you can do.

I'm a stepmum (of sorts, not married). I have a lovely DP, a lovely DSD and 3 lovely DS's of my own. Mine are 19, 9 and 6, his is just about to turn 5. As a result the young ones are close. Mine were 4 and 2 when I met DP, and DSD was 6 months. I met her when she was 14 months. DP was at the mediation statge when we first met because her mother was making contact virtually impossible. They were in a short relationship of 3 months, and she dumped DP not long after the positive pregnancy test. She was already in a new relationship 1 month after giving birth, and presenting the new man as daddy to dsd and her then 3 year old.
She has consistently behaved appalingly throughout dsd's life. I have never spoken to her, no contact whatsoever. I don't get involved. However I've seen the dash cam evidence of awful behaviour from her, her boyfriend and her mother all on different occasions. None of it is to do with DP, but all of it to do with her wanting a baby, but wanting her all to herself and being enabled by two other people who wanted the same thing. DP has conducted himself impeccably throughout. Hard to believe because I don't think I could have been so restrained. But he has. He isn't interested in point scoring, simply a relationship with his child. Maybe that is what makes the difference in him being able to control himself when she provokes. I don't know.
When DSD is with us, she is very happy, she is well behaved, thoughtful, funny, cheeky and just an all round good egg. It has taken lots of time and patience to nurture a relationship with her, because of poison dripped in her ear. But she has seen for herself that we are a normal, kind, loving family. She is now happy to ask me for things, give me a cuddle and a kiss, and just be herself around me.
I can honestly say that I love our blended family, and we don't have any issued related to it, other than her mother wanting 100% of residency and being prepared to behave in the most appalling ways to try and get it.
My partner doesn't leave parenting to me, he never shirks his responsibility. He isn't a Disney dad, he disciplines (not that it is needed often as she is pretty well behaved for someone so little). I buy gifts for dsd and pay for treats for her because I want to. I often buy things for the 3 of them so they are treated equally. Likewise DP does the same for them all. She is very much treated as part of the household.
Not all blended families have issues within the family itself. It can and does work.
In respect of the thread title, I posted here on Christmas eve about how excited I was that dsd was spending her first Christmas eve/day with us. The replies from some where absolutely shocking. A true indictment of projection was evident. All because I was a stepmum who was happy that dsd was here with her dad!!

@candlelightsatdawn I too am genuinely interested @sadpapercourtesan. And open to learning why that post caused such a strong reaction in you.

I think it might be former step children where the new partner Step mum or occasionally step Dad is blamed for everything as they don't want to blame their actual parent. They are now grown up and still hurting.

I definitely think there’s an element of adults whose parents didn’t act in the best way but they blame the step parent rather than their parent. I have a step dad who my mum met when I was an adult and he is lovely but early on there were a couple of issues that were my mums doing but I had to actively remind myself that it wasn’t my stepdads fault as it was easy to think that if he wasn’t there then we wouldn’t have these issues. I could do that as an adult but if I’d been a child then that would have been harder.

@KiloWhat right ? I know a fair amount of snarkyness appears on this board but that reaction was really misaligned and I really wonder what drove that.

@ThisMustBeMyDream you got ripped on your previous post for all the reasons people saying makes a good step mum . You literally got ripped by the same posters who say you need to love your own SC lile your own for stating you love your SC. It was crackers but it does highlight something in some peoples heads no matter what you do or how you do it. You are evil, because of just existing.

This is more about them then it is about you.

I love hearing when blended families are working well. I am a bit envious as I really do wish we'd had a happier outcome.

@candlelightsatdawn

I think I hit the 'biggest fear' nerve. For many years it was normal for Mum to get pretty much 100% custody. So EOW or 50/50 is a massive culture shock, especially if that hadn't been given much thought when the parents split up. If the exh is held in deep contempt, the possibility of him then acquiring a dp with their own roof - and the ability to set their own rules - is nightmare territory.

It's a funny thing. I was reading @ThisMustBeMyDream's post where her dp has behaved impeccably and actually as a completely perfect dad and ex, but the mum and her new dp are pretty much all bad, (and i believe it BTW- you get wicked exws as well as "wicked stepmothers", so I can believe your story is accurate). If thay story was told the other way round, nobody would believe it.

It would be "oh yeah, typical stepmother bashing, wicked stepmother, misogynist trope" and so on. It just strikes me as interesting that sometimes the stereotype makes stories less believable! That cannot be true because it's such a nasty stereotype.

Does my post make sense to anyone other than me ?

I think my (poorly made) point is, that sometimes on here when it becomes very "us vs them" between stepmothers and mothers, everyone gets it wrong. So desperate to either prove or disprove the stereotype. It would be helpful if people focused less on that and more on the threads on a case by case basis, but even doing that, you will get people coming on being negative unnecessarily AND other people coming on defending the stepmum against any negative comments - even those which are bang on.

Basically this forum is a shit show, and not to be taken too seriously!

Just my musings for Friday am.

@SpaceshiptoMars ohh I hadn't thought of that actually. I guess your right, I think I struggled with letting go just as a mum in general so I had to do this fairly early on or I would have gone nuts.

I didn't realise that probably helped post separation as I had come to terms with it earlier on.

@UsernameFail I think it's so dammed situational. In a nuclear family, if dads a shit head well he's one element. In a blended family there's dad, the ex, the SC, any kids of yours and the wider extended family to contend with, more components make for a more complex set up, any of these elements may not help making it a hideous situation so more likely to go wrong.
You may love the man but not the situation the man is in. You absolutely cannot control a ex on a vendetta, you can manages it and so can he but on the whole, its outside of your control.
Nuclear family the dynamics are set and singular and also very much entrenched in society.

Blended families are still so unknown and it makes people uncomfortable. That doesn't mean they are wrong just means change is hard. They once said women couldn't have pockets because it would lead to the demise of society and everyone was very comfortable. Uncomfortable doesn't always mean wrong.

Sending you a hug though because chances are the odds where against to start you if things didn't work out 💐

I would think that during the upset of separating and divorcing whether there is OW or OM or not, the feelings and welfare of the DCs can inadvertently be left on one side, because the DPs are overwhelmed with the stress/worry of it all.

My children have a step mum. And yes - she was the other woman, and now she is awful to my kids,She kept my kids away from their dad through most of lock down (and yes - he allowed her to) - and doesn't treat them as part of the family at all. And also interferes with how much money their dad spends on them at birthdays etc. She is v jealous and insecure about me - which is amusing seeing as she took my husband.
so from my side she is awful, and so my experience of step mothers is not good at all.
But I acknowledge she does not represent all step mums. Some are brilliant.

@bembridge11 you need to blame your ex not the person he is with.

If he doesn't have the balls to stand up and do what is right for his kids then he is a bloody useless father. If he left his partner tomorrow and got together with someone else his underlying behaviour would still be the same e.g. to do as little as possible for them.

I actually have friends who have a parent who has different long term partner/step-parents. They have concluded that their parent is a rather shitty parent. This is because their parent has had more than one long-term partner/spouse and their parent's behaviour hasn't changed towards them.

An interesting thread discussion - thanks for starting.

I wanted to expand on the often said "you knew what you are getting into..." from a personal perspective.

When I met DP, very early on there was transparency on both counts about where we were on our journey in life. Me, 5 years older than him, been single for over a decade, with 2 adult children and leading a very active, independent life. DP did and still does, tell me that one of my qualities he admires and loves is how adventurous, active and outgoing I am. Him, just separated from a gf (rebound relationship after his marriage), 2 kids who live with mum and he sees EOW. When he was with exwife, he was ultimately the main caregiving parent (mum is not particularly hands-on nurturing) however his work/living situation meant kids stayed with mum.

Because he'd had a rebound relationship and it had troubled his kids, he had come to the decision with his ex-wife that he would wait 6 months before introducing a new partner. Very sensible and appropriate I felt. The first intro was in a neutral child-centered location. This all felt very measured, balanced and appropriate. We didn't move in together until we had been "dating" for 14 months, so that first+ year or so I only saw the children on occasional weekends (I would arrive on the Sunday, a few hours before they went home to mum so as not to intrude on their time with dad, but enough to start to build that relationship with them). DP and I conducted our relationship around his time with his kids, we would go off adventuring, travelling, exploring etc. On his weekends with the kids, from an outsider's perspective, it was heartwarming to see - a very involved, attentive, active dad. As it got close to moving in together, I began spending more time with them all. I had no reason to believe that I should have any concern, joining this family dynamic when we chose to move in together.

However, the realities of living together are completely different to any expectations I had. Little did I know how much the ex-wife would permeate the home. Either by proxy through the SC attitudes/behaviours or directly by her messaging intrusively (e.g. at the moment we are buying a house and ex-wife feels it appropriate to text DP to ask questions about the layout of the house we are buying). Ex-wife alienates DP, and this attitude of hers splurges out through the SC. They are contemptuous towards him (and his family). She uses the SC to relay messages that should take place between adults. She refuses to speak to him and only texts/emails. She is manipulative and consequently this is modelled to the SC who are in turn manipulative. The other thing I didn't perceive, was that DP would be (IS) a Disney Dad. He's full of guilt at the situation that the SC have been through, to the point that there are no boundaries and the SC are completely indulged. The kids are never 'disciplined' (I use that term loosely as I know it's a contentious issue, but there are no consequences or repercussions for bad behaviour). The kids are also very lazy, unmotivated and inactive. Hence, for me an active, adventurous, motivated person - I lose my DP and our relationship on those weekends.
Some would say that I am fortunate as I do not have to lift a finger for the SC - but equally, it has left me completely alienated and excluded. When the SC arrive it's like a "them + me" set up, I feel like a stranger and visitor in my own home.

So at this point, after rambling on to set the scene, I want to return to the OP, asking - why do SM get such a hard time??

Last night after another fraught evening with the SC. I was wondering, when will DP actually do anything to make an active change to improve the dynamic? DP "knew what he was getting into..." *eye roll. Where is his accountability in all this? When is he going to work on overcoming guilt and step up and parent these kids, that are ruling the roost? When is he going to start preparing these children for an adult world that will not indulge them? When is he going to put himself (and his kids out) to bring me into their family dynamic? When is he going to put in boundaries with exwife? Because I am on here (seeking help, support, unity), I listen to step-parent podcasts, I have a stack of books I've read, I've just started therapy, I talk to friends and my adult daughter about being a SM. I am doing what I can to be as best a SM as I can be but I feel like I am howling at the moon - I can't possibly be a "good" SM if I a never allowed the space or opportunity to do so.
However, that's what conditioning has led society to believe - that SM would be the issue here, fixing and making all the change (and perhaps that "I am the problem"). I'm just one cog in the wheel that makes this blended family turn.
Having read through this thread, seemingly DP/DH's don't take enough accountability and are not challenged enough on the impact their behaviour has on the loved ones around them.

(Sorry this turned out so long)!

@YourenutsmiLord my husband and his ex wife have both, at times, displayed what could be seen as a total lack of concern for the children as they plough on with the bickering and one upmanship. Just a few weeks ago, his ex ran out into the road, in a blind rage and was screaming swear words at my husband in the street... at the handover. The children looked like they wanted the ground to swallow them up.
I also have to tap my husband on the arm and make a "shh" motion far too frequently, when he's talking about their mother without thinking that the children can hear it all. It's worst when he's talking to my MIL about it who just has no filter.

I think it's deeper than inadvertently leaving feelings to one side. I think as parents we are all guilty of seeing our children as babies forever. It's hard to look at your 9 year old and not feel like it was "just yesterday" that you were clutching 12 week scan photos or bouncing them in a baby chair whilst they just lay there like a little grub!

I watch this behaviour with my DH and his ex wife all the time. It's like they think "they're just kids", "they don't even know what I'm talking about", "they aren't interested in what I'm doing, they've got the telly on."

The children repeat awful things they've overheard from their mum too so I know it's happening at both ends.

In our case, my DH and his ex divorced when the children were babies, which doesn't help. It's like the children are frozen in time and become walking time capsules for all the hurt and anger.

Unsure if anyone else has seen this too.

@ThisMustBeMyDream I remember your thread. It was ridiculous as I now know a few dads like your DP.

In addition I know in rl and there have been posts on MN from adult children who were prevented from or never spent any Christmas when they were growing up with their dad. The adults thought their fathers didn't care for them until they spoke to them and found out why.

Some posters pretend it is all about the children but when questioned properly it is quickly revealed they just want to put the boot into the SM regardless of how well she behaves. This is why I always tell SM on here, particularly when one of the parents is causing conflict, to not have any contact with the child's other parent. The child doesn't need more adults around them causing issues.

People get emotional about stepparents because they can't help think about their own lives - the stepparent they had when they were younger, the new partner their ex has got, who now has a parent-type role to their child.

It's not so much the people, but what the people represent - sadness, betrayal and failed relationships a lot of the time.

I've had lots of nasty comments on here - even though I was not the OW (only met a year after DP had split with his ex), and I do my absolute best for DSS.

The simple fact is that more often than not people don't stay with the same person their whole lives.

I've found being a stepmum incredibly difficult at times, so hats off to any of you who are in the same position and doing nothing but your best.

@PeeAche
I think it's deeper than inadvertently leaving feelings to one side. I think as parents we are all guilty of seeing our children as babies forever. It's hard to look at your 9 year old and not feel like it was "just yesterday" that you were clutching 12 week scan photos or bouncing them in a baby chair whilst they just lay there like a little grub!

And it's not nurturing to "baby" kids forever. Our whole role as parents is to prepare children for the adult world and treat them age/developmentally appropriate. As you highlight here, modeling appropriate behaviour is important (i.e. setting boundaries, not being unkind about other important adults).
As an independent observer, I witness this taking place between DP and his ex-wife all the time. Fortunately, in 2.5 years of being with DP I have NEVER heard him say a single bad thing about his ex in front of the SC. Unfortunately, I know it's not the case the other way round because of the (misplaced) contempt the SC have for DP at times. However, DP lets his ex-wife treat him badly and does not do anything to challenge it.

@squishy20 I think it's boils down to sadly two things

The bar is higher for women in this space and that why would men do the work when they pass on the responsibility of fixing stuff to us women foke

@PeeAche I feel you in my bones with that last paragraph. It's infuriating watching adults inflantise their children to the children's damage. Sadly ! No solutions but my god that ex sounds nightmarish

@squishy20

An interesting thread discussion - thanks for starting.

I wanted to expand on the often said "you knew what you are getting into..." from a personal perspective.

When I met DP, very early on there was transparency on both counts about where we were on our journey in life. Me, 5 years older than him, been single for over a decade, with 2 adult children and leading a very active, independent life. DP did and still does, tell me that one of my qualities he admires and loves is how adventurous, active and outgoing I am. Him, just separated from a gf (rebound relationship after his marriage), 2 kids who live with mum and he sees EOW. When he was with exwife, he was ultimately the main caregiving parent (mum is not particularly hands-on nurturing) however his work/living situation meant kids stayed with mum.

Because he'd had a rebound relationship and it had troubled his kids, he had come to the decision with his ex-wife that he would wait 6 months before introducing a new partner. Very sensible and appropriate I felt. The first intro was in a neutral child-centered location. This all felt very measured, balanced and appropriate. We didn't move in together until we had been "dating" for 14 months, so that first+ year or so I only saw the children on occasional weekends (I would arrive on the Sunday, a few hours before they went home to mum so as not to intrude on their time with dad, but enough to start to build that relationship with them). DP and I conducted our relationship around his time with his kids, we would go off adventuring, travelling, exploring etc. On his weekends with the kids, from an outsider's perspective, it was heartwarming to see - a very involved, attentive, active dad. As it got close to moving in together, I began spending more time with them all. I had no reason to believe that I should have any concern, joining this family dynamic when we chose to move in together.

However, the realities of living together are completely different to any expectations I had. Little did I know how much the ex-wife would permeate the home. Either by proxy through the SC attitudes/behaviours or directly by her messaging intrusively (e.g. at the moment we are buying a house and ex-wife feels it appropriate to text DP to ask questions about the layout of the house we are buying). Ex-wife alienates DP, and this attitude of hers splurges out through the SC. They are contemptuous towards him (and his family). She uses the SC to relay messages that should take place between adults. She refuses to speak to him and only texts/emails. She is manipulative and consequently this is modelled to the SC who are in turn manipulative. The other thing I didn't perceive, was that DP would be (IS) a Disney Dad. He's full of guilt at the situation that the SC have been through, to the point that there are no boundaries and the SC are completely indulged. The kids are never 'disciplined' (I use that term loosely as I know it's a contentious issue, but there are no consequences or repercussions for bad behaviour). The kids are also very lazy, unmotivated and inactive. Hence, for me an active, adventurous, motivated person - I lose my DP and our relationship on those weekends.
Some would say that I am fortunate as I do not have to lift a finger for the SC - but equally, it has left me completely alienated and excluded. When the SC arrive it's like a "them + me" set up, I feel like a stranger and visitor in my own home.

So at this point, after rambling on to set the scene, I want to return to the OP, asking - why do SM get such a hard time??

Last night after another fraught evening with the SC. I was wondering, when will DP actually do anything to make an active change to improve the dynamic? DP "knew what he was getting into..." *eye roll. Where is his accountability in all this? When is he going to work on overcoming guilt and step up and parent these kids, that are ruling the roost? When is he going to start preparing these children for an adult world that will not indulge them? When is he going to put himself (and his kids out) to bring me into their family dynamic? When is he going to put in boundaries with exwife? Because I am on here (seeking help, support, unity), I listen to step-parent podcasts, I have a stack of books I've read, I've just started therapy, I talk to friends and my adult daughter about being a SM. I am doing what I can to be as best a SM as I can be but I feel like I am howling at the moon - I can't possibly be a "good" SM if I a never allowed the space or opportunity to do so.
However, that's what conditioning has led society to believe - that SM would be the issue here, fixing and making all the change (and perhaps that "I am the problem"). I'm just one cog in the wheel that makes this blended family turn.
Having read through this thread, seemingly DP/DH's don't take enough accountability and are not challenged enough on the impact their behaviour has on the loved ones around them.

(Sorry this turned out so long)!

If it's EOW why is it so difficult? It's just 2 days a fortnight where as you say you lose your DP and relationship. If you are such an adventurous and active person just arrange to make plans and go out most of the time and not be involved. He is going to be Disney dad as he probably misses his children if he only sees them once a fortnight this will probably improve with time.

You're absolutely right @candlelightsatdawn and this is what the SP bashers don't understand. Situations and dynamics change - and that's life, whether it's a nucleus family or one trying to blend.

Thanks for the flowers ... we've had a bit of counselling to understand the dynamics and learn this would have happened regardless to anyone

I agree that the bar is set higher for women...at least, it's set woefully low for men! Especially those who are NRP

But, yes, it doesn't sound on the face of it like EOW is the end of the world? Is it just 'the ick' @squishy20 rather than loss of time with dp?

@Veeveeoxox if you read these threads you will realise that fathers and mothers who exhibit dysfunctional behaviour don't tend to change over time.

@squishy20 you sure you want to stay with him long term? If he's a Disney dad it will come back to bite him on the bum when they are teens onwards. They will either be entitled and only speak to him for what they can get out of him then throw tantrums if they don't get it, or they will just completely ignore him.

@Veeveeoxox If it's EOW why is it so difficult? It's just 2 days a fortnight where as you say you lose your DP and relationship. If you are such an adventurous and active person just arrange to make plans and go out most of the time and not be involved.

a) I didn't expand previously as it didn't feel necessary but it is EOW, plus one mid week evening, plus half of all school holidays, so not quite "just EOW".

b) Because I care? Because DP wants the kids to be more active. As I pointed out in my post, it's one of my qualities he finds endearing. Also, why should the only option be that "I got out"? Again, SM blaming.

He is going to be Disney dad as he probably misses his children if he only sees them once a fortnight this will probably improve with time.

c) So here again I refer to point b). Because I care. Missing your children is one thing, indulging them, to the point that it impacts their development and behaviour and is not nurturing or healthy. I care about this man and consequently care about his kids. It's very naive to think that it will improve with time - whereas in fact behavioural/psychological studies will highlight that parenting in this manner is likely to impact them as they become teens/adults.

@RedWingBoots ....you sure you want to stay with him long term? If he's a Disney dad it will come back to bite him on the bum when they are teens onwards. They will either be entitled and only speak to him for what they can get out of him then throw tantrums if they don't get it, or they will just completely ignore him.

I'm conscious that I don't want this to become a thread about me and what I wrote. It was provided more for demonstrative purposes! I have no doubt that this is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with and anyone that meets us, will testify how we are "meant to be" a couple. Learning to parent his kids together is a big challenge we need to face and we will tackle it head on. It frustrates me that often the default is "leave him". I don't want to. I don't need to.

Ultimately what there needs to be as the OP tried to highlight is support and accountability for ALL of those involved in the dynamics of blended family. And that society hyperfocuses on SM, when actually, it is often highlighted on here that ultimately it seems the DP/DH is usually the one needing the most support as they are the jam that holds the sandwich together.