Why to SMs get such a hard time on MN?

[UsernameFail]

I am a wicked SM and follow the step parenting page.

I find the page very interesting and have learnt loads from my mistakes (although often too late but helped with giving me clarity).

I don't post much for fear of taking a beating from people who are evidently clueless about the complexities that arise in being a step mom or trying to integrate families.

I still wonder why MNetters are so awful to Step Moms?

takes a deep breath and presses post

hmm... @NowEvenBetter I think you are generalising here because the same could be said of the mothers - why did they chose to have kids with the fathers if they were so deadbeat? I gather from the tone of your posting you have been hurt by an experience.

I agree with you that a SC is not the SMs issue - in hindsight I now know this but at the time you/ I was trying to create this blended family, and that means picking up the maternal role when the SC are in the home.

Men, in my experience and in most things, don't see their failings whereas women are trying perfect things or make it ok - that's why they're on these site, looking for solutions.

There's even piley-on in a thread where a SM is asking why we get such a hard time all the time! Typical.

I have been watching this thread and not speaking. As usual @candlelightsatdawn has well thought out and eloquent things to say.

I would like to ask all Mumsnetters who have made it this far to consider reframing language when referring to the children that men have with their second wives or subsequent girlfriends.

We aren't "breeders", they aren't "screwed up", and they aren't "mistakes". Above all else, we aren't "clusterfucks".

We love our children as much as you love yours and words can really hurt. I would appreciate it if MNHQ would moderate this more closely and consider whether that language would be appropriate anywhere else on this website.

I think you are lucky @RedWingBoots if you and your family have behaved appropriately. I wish more people would. Then we could have less fighting over wills, picking sides or being made to chose a partner over a child. Trust me I never went into this relationship thinking all this would happen, but it did and does, regularly

@PeeAche very good points to which I'd like to add that not all SMs have more children with their new partners. I didn't. Some 'blended family' set-ups are simply two adults with their own kids who have got together, no further kids involved. I think that's when things end up more segregated because you don't share joint children.

@KylieKoKo
The situation in which the children have no choice is created because the parents split up and go on to have new relationships. It is not up to the step parent to compensate for this. Parents are the ones who have the responsibility to create a happy home environment for their children.

Yes, but the children have no choice in the matter. I agree absolutely that in most situations, the parents are to blame for bringing other adults into their children's lives who don't love them, and often don't like them either. And in some cases actively resent and hate them

People only get one childhood. Those years are years of absolute vulnerability and helplessness, and every child ideally deserves to be raised by adults who genuinely love and care for them, and prioritise their wellbeing. It's not right to put them at the mercy of adults who don't care about them.

I also think that sometimes a step mother expressing annoyance at a child's behaviour is views as dislike, contempt and disgust when it is none of those things. Surely you get annoyed with your own children (if you have them) without feeling these things. Imagine if you had the same annoyance but had played no part in raising them, didn't have the maternal bond and were not in a position to discipline them. Can you not see how that would be very difficult?

Of course I can. Absolutely 100%. i think it's an incredibly undesirable relationship.

Which is why I don't think it's fair on a child to bring another adult into the heart of their lives who doesn't have that parental love to balance out the annoyance, irritation, etc.

It is indeed very difficult for step-parents. But in the end they made (and continue to make) the choice to be in that situation. The children have no choice at all. It's horrendous for them.

@NowEvenBetter

They aren’t getting a hard time though, very, very often there’ll be some woman posting about her boyfriends kid who she has been drafted in to parent, because he can’t be bothered. People quite rightly point out that it’s not her issue to sort, and maybe have a think before breeding with a man who already is proven to be a deadbeat, and usually she’s already impregnated by him, or ‘loves’ the loser. And so, more screwed up kids continue the depressing cycle.

Where are all the men, handwringing and writing long posts online, questioning their parenting skills, development and behaviour of their new lovers kids? Hmmm…

So few things
*
kid who she has been drafted in to parent, because he can’t be bothered. People quite rightly point out that it’s not her issue to sort*

This I agree with. Hands down agree with. However if it has tacked on the end those poor SC you must hate them. Then I have a issue because it's a DH problem

and maybe have a think before breeding with a man who already is proven to be a deadbeat, and usually she’s already impregnated by him, or ‘loves’ the loser.

We are not horses, I'm not being rude here but have a think...I expect many have thought about having children with their DP and don't take it lightly. Breeding is a nasty term that you wouldn't apply to a mum. Don't apply it here it's unkind. Deadbeat actually is in the eye of the perspective, a mums view maybe he's a deadbeat because of her history with the bloke (which maybe true) but I would also point out mum wouldn't have this perspective unless she had also not had a child with the dad. The mum and stepmom often have that in common, seeing the good in someone but not pretend that knowledge should have been known by either party before they got involved. Mum may feel superior to SM knowing this but she also fell for the trap otherwise they would be there.

Let's not pretend that knowledge makes mum any more superior in anyway and she knew all along. (I say this as a mum knowing what my ex's like, and not feeling superior to my DD SM but actually rather like she's too good for him and that I hope he doesn't cock it up. I also go out of my way to be a Allie to her) because her presence doesn't threaten me

Where are all the men, handwringing and writing long posts online, questioning their parenting skills, development and behaviour of their new lovers kids? Hmmm…

Men don't have the pressures that women have, the bar is lower. Step mums and mums know this in our bones. And some come along and club each other with them. Most SM on here are at the point of sheer desperation under the weight of a lot of expectations. Men don't have these expectations.

Personally although im not a fan of your wording, the sentiment I somewhat agree with. Men are getting a easy and fast pass and it's not on. Every post the badly behaved DH barely gets mention.

Imagine what we could do if the women who club each other with "bricks of expectations" turned those bricks to the men and hit them with them as a hard as SM are hit. Would it be glorious, sadly most just find it easier to continue this weird competitiveness that I don't find helpful or healthy.

I know hey @tiredofthisshit21 - gotta laugh.

@PeeAche - are you a SM?

@UsernameFail

I think you are lucky *@RedWingBoots* if you and your family have behaved appropriately. I wish more people would. Then we could have less fighting over wills, picking sides or being made to chose a partner over a child. Trust me I never went into this relationship thinking all this would happen, but it did and does, regularly

It's not just my own family though.

I have friends who are SM or have/had SM.

Yes there is some shit with wills but most wills are written while all the children are children with thinking what will happen when the children grow up.

@candlelightsatdawn

The problem with statements like this is it is projection. From one post you cannot creep into a OPs head and see one way or the other how she feels about her SC. You are projecting because you do not have visibility

What you are describing is 'imagination' or 'speculation'. Projection has a different meaning. People mean you are projecting your own personal experiences into the situation. Not true in my case, or in many others.

I'm sure as a mother if you look into my head you would see some negative times I have had with DD who I love deeply and some fairly interesting wording on how I viewed those situations.That doesn't mean I don't have the best interests for my child.

Ditto for me and my children, but the difference is they are OUR children and at heart, we love them more than anything. That is the biggest, most insurmountable, most fundamental difference.

So yes feel sorry for the kids but place the blame in the correct spot, the parents for activity choosing the situation and not addressing their shit.

I do though. 100%. I think it's really, really shit that so many adults prioritise their own desire to have their new boyfriend/girlfriend living with them, over what's best for their own children. I think in every case the children's parents are far more to blame than the step-parent. I have also seen many step-parents show an amazing degree of coldness, resentment, jealousy, cruelty and disgust towards their step-children, and as adults I think they should not have entered into/should not remain i that situation if they feel that way. Because in the end they have a choice and the children don't.

Ditto for me and my children, but the difference is they are OUR children and at heart, we love them more than anything. That is the biggest, most insurmountable, most fundamental difference.

Well yes. Surely you realise that no other adult feels the way about your children that you do. Do you think this means that all adults are showing coldness, resentment, jealousy, cruelty and disgust towards them or is it just step parents?

@stealthninjamum I think your last post had a bit of projection.

Regardless you need to remember that lots of people don't grow up around others with disabilities or meet them regularly in everyday life, so when they are confronted with a child with different behaviour due to a disability which until recently wasn't widely known about they decide the child is naughty.

As they don't have people in rl to discuss this with they will come online to discuss it and use inappropriate language as they don't know what language they should be using.

It is also not helped by the parent they are going out with, who is frequently but not always the father, not knowing how to deal with their own child's disability appropriately themselves and dumping their child on the SM.

Also why is it on the step parent to leave if it's not best for the child? Surely it is for the parent to chose a partner who is kind to their children.

DP would not be in a relationship with me if he thought I was being cruel to his children. I would not be in a position to make the choice to leave because he, rightly, would not tolerate it.

@KylieKoKo

Ditto for me and my children, but the difference is they are OUR children and at heart, we love them more than anything. That is the biggest, most insurmountable, most fundamental difference.

Well yes. Surely you realise that no other adult feels the way about your children that you do. Do you think this means that all adults are showing coldness, resentment, jealousy, cruelty and disgust towards them or is it just step parents?

Exactly.

That is the most insurmountable and fundamental difference - but that doesn't mean it's wrong. It's just natural that mainly only parents feel this way about their own children. Not feeling that doesn't equate to not caring or being cruel.

Where are the men?

Doing sweet fuck all most the time. My exp had his kids about 21% of the time per month. I had mine just over 60% (I did the math once to prove a point to him.

100% of afterschool care for my children was at my home/ organised by me. That means sports kits/ uniforms / homework/ after school clubs fell to me to arrange with my nanny etc.
He in comparison had 10% of afterschool care to organise.

There was ZERO expectation from me to him regards having any responsibility for my children. I took full care of their logistics/ food etc.

His expectation of me? Why didn’t I do more? Support him more? When I pointed out the already vast discrepancy in child care responsibilities between us both and our respective children? His response was that I had always parented my children and therefore what I did was not a step up. (To be clear, I have always worked FT outside the home).

He then added that since he had very little experience parenting (his EXW was a SAHM), he needed more support as the step up for him if he sought to increase contact meant he would need help and it wasn’t unfair of him.

So I’m summary. I could do my kids by myself (even though I already had a lot on my plate). He could not and it was entirely reasonable to expect me to step up and do more. For his kids.

When this conversation widened and he included some of this friends/ family - the inevitable, ‘it would really probably help him if you could help more.’ Was reeled off (all women by the way). The fact that I had a vagina meant I should be doing more childcare for HIS kids.

Not one person pushed back on him and said. ‘Hold on. Sassbott works FT, and has her kids way more than you have yours. If she takes this on, what would you take off her plate regards her children? How is this fair on her?’

I was the LONE voice sticking up for myself. I’ve learned that we live (especially regards blended families) in a very backward and sexist society. Men / stepfathers are expected to do the sweet sum of fuck all. Women? Well why don’t we help with childcare more?.

Expectations between men and women are so skewed. It’s messed up. And women piling on women? Are the worst.

That’s why men aren’t on here hand wringing. They’re too busy pushing their responsibilities onto the nearest person with a vagina.

Examples?

The recent thread re Christmas cards
The infamous thread about the photo frame (because heaven forbid a MAN prints off photos of his OWN children for framing)
The recent birthday thread of a father failing (again) to adequately save for his own child’s birthday present. Who should step up? The person with the vagina who is more ‘responsible’ and has ‘spare’ cash.

I could list a dozen more threads of the inate entitlement and bone idle laziness. What disappoints me subsequently is the amount of women who then come in an pile on those threads. ‘Poooor children’ they wail.

Wtaf? Poor children? Blame the father for not taking full care of HIS responsibilities!

Completely agree username fail! I had a thread pulled from here once that was initially started from a place of lightheartedness, it seems acceptable to be honest about your biological kids but god FORBID you say anything in a even slightly negative way towards your stepchildren. I was told I was clearly showing “hatred” towards mine oh and I shouldn’t even be a biological mother

There are definitely a lot of people who assume that if you are a stepmother then you must have been the OW in a relationship and the father left his wife/partner for you. For most stepmums I know, this is not the case. In my case, my DH's ex-partner left him then he didn't meet me until a year later. Maybe some people think there should be a set amount of time before you start a new relationship?

@sassbott

Examples?

The recent thread re Christmas cards
The infamous thread about the photo frame (because heaven forbid a MAN prints off photos of his OWN children for framing)
The recent birthday thread of a father failing (again) to adequately save for his own child’s birthday present. Who should step up? The person with the vagina who is more ‘responsible’ and has ‘spare’ cash.

I could list a dozen more threads of the inate entitlement and bone idle laziness. What disappoints me subsequently is the amount of women who then come in an pile on those threads. ‘Poooor children’ they wail.

Wtaf? Poor children? Blame the father for not taking full care of HIS responsibilities!

Yep agree with all of these.

It's a sad state of affairs when women are falling over themselves to try and pile more responsibilities onto other already-overloaded women, completely ignoring the man who is doing the absolute least possible.

@TheRigatonini I’m very sorry for your experience but I find it very difficult that this is said to common enough to be a stereotype as to me that’s the exception. And for me that’s perhaps the problem that every step mum is then tarred with the same brush.

(My heart went out to that young mother who got slaughtered on MN recently for having sat down on a rainy afternoon and done thank-you cards in crayons from her toddler. She got it in the neck from her DH, and then from MN - How Dare She exclude her teenage stepchildren!)

That was me unless there's another poor soul in the same position! Irony is I didn't even really "get it in the neck" from DH. It was just one of those minor disagreements that take place and I had posted for support because sometimes it can be draining.

Then I got it in the neck here!

@UsernameFail

Yep, I'm a step mum to two genuinely lovely step children. I met them when they babies and now they're pre-teens! 😱 we have a baby on the way.

Despite the smattering of nastiness, this forum keeps me sane. In particular @candlelightsatdawn and @aSofaNearYou who can usually be relied upon for some solid advice! 😅

My family is chaos and we have had all the usual shit: court orders; arguments over underpants; "mummy says she wishes you were dead, daddy - then we sing the Daddy's Dead Song!"; lost passports; missed handovers; stolen cats; returned cats; social services; a horse head made of cake in the post; more arguments over underpants; The Case of the Missing Nativity Play Tickets; trying to legally change their names without permission; sending them without coats in January; sending them in wellies and thermals during a heatwave; MORE arguments over underpants: Mascara-gate... I could go on and on.

I can't quite bring myself to say "I wouldn't have it any other way" and I think I'm a lot greyer now than I might otherwise have been. But it's actually pretty good being a stepmum. I'm really proud of the kids and I have a supportive husband.

I also have an en-suite which is a 4m2 box of child free bliss. And fucking priceless.

If you need advice, I am an experienced but hapless idiot that will try her best. And always include some heart emojis for moral support.

@KylieKoKo

Also why is it on the step parent to leave if it's not best for the child? Surely it is for the parent to chose a partner who is kind to their children.

DP would not be in a relationship with me if he thought I was being cruel to his children. I would not be in a position to make the choice to leave because he, rightly, would not tolerate it.

Exactly ultimately they are the parent

@bizboz the set amount of time is never

I think you are being unfair and naive @OnlyAFleshWound expecting people to never have another relationship because of the children. That's not healthy at all including the child. The child will one day grow up, have it's own relationships and family and the parent will then be at home all alone. Sorry I don't agree with you.

I wonder what happens in non western societies where fathers have relationships and children with several women. I'm aware there is hierachy but is there so much animosity like there is in the western world?

@RedWingBoots Ours wills have been done for years. After a I received a particularly pleasant phone from exw telling me our child was stealing her children's inheritance DH thought I was being sensible after all