Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

I also didn't realise it's a 3 hour round trip, she's totally taking the piss, she refuses to meet you but expects you to do a 3 hour round trip to pick her kids up because she has plans.
Don't do it, you won't be in the wrong OP.

Your DH seems remarkably relaxed about it - why isn't he sorting this out? They're his kids!

@AnneElliott

Your DH seems remarkably relaxed about it - why isn't he sorting this out? They're his kids!

What should he do? He may not have family around that can help.

My DHs family live 150 miles away, if this were us there wouldn't be anything else he could just "sort out".

Practically, what do you actually think he should do? Send a taxi 3 hrs for them? If he can't drive he can't drive.

People throw this "he should sort it out" around as if it's as simple as clicking his fingers.

I think in these circumstances she needs to drop them herself, before her plans, or try and arrange childcare and change weekends. This is between her and him, one of them needs to do the drive or get childcare, and it sounds like on this occasion he can't do either.

It's not like it's just down the road, you're entitled to say it's too big a favour.

Tbh she's collecting them the least your dh could do is sort out picking them up. I don't blame her for not altering her plans especially if she has majority of care. It's down to your dh to ask family or in this case you with him being your dh. You aren't doing it for her, your doing it for him to help facilitate his contact with his dc. Dh is step dad to my ds has no qualms about doing a favour or getting ds, same for his sm she dropped him off at the local swimming baths and I later collected him there wasn't a big drama. Ex is disabled and was having major surgery in the RVI his dw ( who was married at the time) came collected ds and took him to the hospital because she recognised that ds was important to ex.

I think dh should say hi ex, op will pick them up even though she does have plans too but it’s a big ask when you won’t even see her much less say hello so I wouldn’t expect that again. I’m very grateful she’s helping me out.

OP you should have just got them from the start. I often help out family members when they are stuck. He is your DH you should have just done him a favour regardless if it was his kids, his mum, his granny ect..

Then he said basically said 'fuck it I won't get the kids'

Now his ex wife is kicking off.

All three of you have played a part in this.

Now your going to drive up there carrying a chip on your shoulder when you could have just done it to help him out from the off.

@Bananarama21

Tbh she's collecting them the least your dh could do is sort out picking them up. I don't blame her for not altering her plans especially if she has majority of care. It's down to your dh to ask family or in this case you with him being your dh. You aren't doing it for her, your doing it for him to help facilitate his contact with his dc. Dh is step dad to my ds has no qualms about doing a favour or getting ds, same for his sm she dropped him off at the local swimming baths and I later collected him there wasn't a big drama. Ex is disabled and was having major surgery in the RVI his dw ( who was married at the time) came collected ds and took him to the hospital because she recognised that ds was important to ex.

It's not local, it's a three hour round trip, which is very different from popping to the local pool.

I feel bad for you op, sounds like it’s been a nightmare few days

I think it’s very decent if you to go and collect them with the mum’s attitude. Honestly, people need to grow up, her refusing to meet you and demanding that you collect the children is so out of order and obnoxious behaviour.

Hope it all goes ok!

I would ordinarily think yes it’s dhs job to find someone and the op is the obvious someone but ex expecting someone she refuses to see to pick up her children is very childish. Either they are a person and you can say hello and wave the children off or they aren’t and you can’t.

@Liervik

I'm guessing if they argue in the car to the point it's a distraction, at 13 and 10 they wouldn't be capable of being dropped off at a train station and picked up from another on a direct route? 6 hours driving for one weekend is a lot, especially as you're having to deal with a small child and keep on top of the chores too.

Train won't work but good idea. It's 3 hours. Unless she decides she can't pick them up (which has happened before but if it happens this time I swear it's the last time I make a mug of myself)

@Evesgarden yeah I get that. I just have had a tricky few weeks and it was a bit like argh! They have 2 parents and I'm having to try and do everything here.

@AnneElliott

Your DH seems remarkably relaxed about it - why isn't he sorting this out? They're his kids!

How do you know how relaxed he is over this? He hasn't started kicking off at me and demanding I go and get the DSC. He's realised it's up to me. He considered asking a family member but it would be a 8 hour round trip for them once they picked them up dropped them back here. The youngest would struggle in a taxi and tbh I'm not sure their mum would be happy with the idea. Trains won't work either. On top of this he's in a lot of pain. What is it exactly he is supposed to do to sort this out? Charter a helicopter?!

@timeisnotaline

I think dh should say hi ex, op will pick them up even though she does have plans too but it’s a big ask when you won’t even see her much less say hello so I wouldn’t expect that again. I’m very grateful she’s helping me out.

He's messaged her a politer version of this saying I have kindly agreed to pick them up and if it's at all possible it would be good if she could help them to the car with their bags.

This is about what's best for the children. It's not about whats best for you, the ex or your H.
Of course you help as they came as a package when you married your H. You should be the bigger person and not react on how others are. Being stubborn because you don't like an attitude is low and childish. You can be annoyed but to refuse to do something that is detrimental to the kids because you're being stubborn is wrong. I'm glad you're now going. You should feel proud that you put their needs first.

Your dhs message just sounds PA, why would a 10 and a 13 year old need help to carry their own weekend bag from the front door to the car?

@Dancingsmile

This is about what's best for the children. It's not about whats best for you, the ex or your H. Of course you help as they came as a package when you married your H. You should be the bigger person and not react on how others are. Being stubborn because you don't like an attitude is low and childish. You can be annoyed but to refuse to do something that is detrimental to the kids because you're being stubborn is wrong. I'm glad you're now going. You should feel proud that you put their needs first.

The emotional manipulation is strong with this one.

*The demanding ex wife would really put me off “stepping up".

Maybe if he'd asked OP and say it would mean much to him and would make it up to her, so that all he had to text her was to say that OP would pick them up as he is injured, she would have had no reason to be demanding in the first place.

I wonder what the comments would be if OP had messaged that they'd gone and got the kids, but had a text from mum on the Sunday morning to say that she had hurt herself and wouldn't be able to pick them up that evening, and her OH couldn't come because he didn't want to, so the kids had to stay for another two days or they would have to drive them back themselves. I bet the consensus would be that she was taking the piss and her OH was an ass.

Ultimately, the issue was for OP's OH to sort out. There shouldn't have been conversation between him and mum until he was in a position to offer an alternative arrangement that didn't impact on her.

I am worried about why you are so broke. You don't have your own children do you? Do you work full-time?

Still on about how the kids are part of OPs package but seemingly not their mothers I see.
Didn't she know what she was getting into when she had children with a man she was going to split up with?

@HollowTalk

I am worried about why you are so broke. You don't have your own children do you? Do you work full-time?

That's rude.

And shows you haven't properly read the thread either.

Ffs!
If my exh couldn't collect OUR dc due to injury I would just get up off my arse and take them to him myself & change my plans if I had to. There's NO way I would expect his dw to do it! If she offered herself, & genuinely had the free time I might take her up on it but I would in NO way expect her to put herself out. Her marrying my exh does NOT make her a default childminder for OUR dc!
It is beyond me why people on here cannot see that marrying someone with kids does NOT mean you now have to turn into Mary bloody Poppins!
YOUR dc - YOUR responsibility.
End of.

@Magda72

Ffs! If my exh couldn't collect OUR dc due to injury I would just get up off my arse and take them to him myself & change my plans if I had to. There's NO way I would expect his dw to do it! If she offered herself, & genuinely had the free time I might take her up on it but I would in NO way expect her to put herself out. Her marrying my exh does NOT make her a default childminder for OUR dc! It is beyond me why people on here cannot see that marrying someone with kids does NOT mean you now have to turn into Mary bloody Poppins! YOUR dc - YOUR responsibility. End of.

Yes but heaven forbid anyone do something for their DC on THEIR EXES TIME dun dun dunnn

@Dancingsmile

This is about what's best for the children. It's not about whats best for you, the ex or your H. Of course you help as they came as a package when you married your H. You should be the bigger person and not react on how others are. Being stubborn because you don't like an attitude is low and childish. You can be annoyed but to refuse to do something that is detrimental to the kids because you're being stubborn is wrong. I'm glad you're now going. You should feel proud that you put their needs first.

No they do not come as a package. Nobody when getting married signs anything to say they are taking on the other persons children. When you get married, you become a wife ... not the kids new parent!

The children have 2 parents to put their needs first, the OP is not one of them.

No option for your DH to go up on the train to collect the children? Or is he too injured to do that?