Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

@eeyore228

OMG when did having SC/being a step-parent become like this? I couldn't stand my DH’s ex, she was awful BUT that wasn't his kid's fault and they certainly didn't deserve punishment. I mean I was that stepchild as well and I'm lucky that my SM/SD put me first. Point scoring never helps the situation and ultimately as long you're not taken the piss out of, you are now part of these children lives! You chose their dad and by default are part of a family, sometimes it sucks but I doubt you would get away with avoiding the ex

Mmm. That's how things worked with my step children. DH's XW could be nasty and manipulative, but we just carried on trying to do what was right for the children. I don't understand the insistence on 'step children are solely the parents' responsibility', unless the father is pushing the burden of care on to their wife.

I did tons with my step children, sharing the load of fun stuff, and chores. We're really close and the relationships we have enhance our lives.

It's good to step back and consider what is best for the children as you navigate your way through life with step children. If the other parent is really out of order, then fair enough to try to resolve that issue, but this is a time to bite your tongue and do the trip (glad you are) for the sake of the children and their wellbeing.

Here's a little story from my life.
I do all the pick ups and drop offs for DSD as neither parent drives and a 30 minute round trip for me in the car is preferable to maybe 2.5 hours on trains/buses. I'm happy to do this. I actually quite enjoy my chats in the car with DSD just us two.
DHs ex unfortunately went through a little phase of treating me like a taxi service and messing around with times etc. So one day I just point blank refused to go.
I am an individual person with zero responsibility for this child and I have my own life/job/child to be looking after. I won't be treated like a dogsbody. I will be respected for what I contribute or I will withdraw it.
She didn't do it again and all is now right with the world once more. I am still happy to flex and help out, I just won't be treated like staff.

aSofaNearYou she also travelled several hours to the hospital with ds so he could visit his father. The point is your suppose to be a team she's not doing it for the dm but for her dh.

No they do not come as a package. Nobody when getting married signs anything to say they are taking on the other persons children. When you get married, you become a wife ... not the kids new parent!

The children have 2 parents to put their needs first, the OP is not one of them

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN. Many women and men do not have the emotional intelligence to enter in to a relationship with some one that already has kids. They firmly believe that they are capable of having a separate relationship with the parent that involves not having anything to do with the children that are currently bobbing around the house. I work with a teenage girl who's SF treats her exactly like this - its awful. It always turns in to SP v DSC. Then it turns in to SP & new baby V DSC.

I got with Dh when dd was 15, if shew was stuck somewhere or needed collected and I was incapacitated and he refused I would think he was an absolute twat.

Not because he wasn't chomping at the bit to parent my kid but because I really needed his help he wasnt prepared to help me.

This whole 'well they are her kids - her responsibility' is just a red herring. The OP should have wanted to her her DH. Maybe she just like the idea of a free weekend off until it all kicked off and was arm twisted in to it

Evesgarden
Completely agree, having a successful coparenting relationship myself where both our partners are step parents it works because we are on the same page all 4 of us care for DS will help him if needed whoever is available as such he has a positive relationship with the 4 of us.

@Bananarama21

aSofaNearYou she also travelled several hours to the hospital with ds so he could visit his father. The point is your suppose to be a team she's not doing it for the dm but for her dh.

Being broadly part of "a team" does not mean they have exactly the same roles within that team and everything is automatically shared.

Too many people think that SMs are a homogenous being with their husband's, and therefore if he's unavailable she should naturally do it as an extension of him. But that's not how it works. If my DP is sick I don't go into work for him as an extension of him. We are seperate people with seperate responsibilities. The contact arrangement is between the mum and dad. If one of them can't do it and can't find childcare, the other is going to have to do it. There is no "well you have a wife, why isn't she doing it on your behalf". She is a seperate person with no part in the transaction, she's entitled to say whether it's too big a favour or not. Generally speaking when there's SC involved that's on top of a load of other favours and concessions, so if you have a partner and have kids from a previous you should really expect that they may be at capacity favour wise.

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN.

You think the reason there are unhappy step parents out there is that they are not assuming enough responsibility? My dear, you are far too ingrained in your view from the other side of the fence.

@aSofaNearYou

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN.

You think the reason there are unhappy step parents out there is that they are not assuming enough responsibility? My dear, you are far too ingrained in your view from the other side of the fence.

No its not about responsibly - Its about being willing to help your partner out when they are stuck on the odd occasion.

But if that's what you want to take from what I posted crack on, dear.

@aSofaNearYou If my DP is sick I don't go into work for him as an extension of him. We are seperate people with seperate responsibilities

It was a sodding lift. FFs - he wasn't asking asking her to go on the birth certificate {hmm]

It was a sodding lift. FFs - he wasn't asking asking her to go on the birth certificate

It was a lift that would take three hours, so all evening, and on which the children would likely be badly behaved. She also has fears about driving.

All in all, that's a big favour.

They need help with the bags as they insist on bringing a weeks worth of stuff for a weekend and DH helps them load it up usually.

I'm not sure why my working hours are of concern whoever mentioned that but I work part time and I work damn hard and you have no idea what else I am dealing with in life right now.

I made a contract with my husband not his kids. He however has a parenting agreement with his ex.

This thread has got me more annoyed that her demand! I'm going. I will make it fun for LO and would go into a drive through mcdonalds on the way back but I'd probably get told off for that if their mum found out.

@aSofaNearYou

It was a sodding lift. FFs - he wasn't asking asking her to go on the birth certificate

It was a lift that would take three hours, so all evening, and on which the children would likely be badly behaved. She also has fears about driving.

All in all, that's a big favour.

And one where one of the two people it would be helping out would refuse to even say hello to her at the halfway point. That would be the clincher for me. Sorry ex, have you never heard the saying about how best to catch flies?

@NailsNeedDoing

Your dhs message just sounds PA, why would a 10 and a 13 year old need help to carry their own weekend bag from the front door to the car?

Because her bag is always heavy as they bring like a weeks worth of stuff

I think often in situations like this it depends on how the relationships are between the adults.

People will come on and say "well my childs step mother is so much better than you because we all get on brilliantly and she does loads for my child". I don't think these situations are comparable. Who knows what more people would be willing to do if they didn't have such a negative relationship with the ex for example.

I don't think it means your not emotionally intelligent enough for a relationship with a man with children if, after being treated like an inconvenience by his ex who refuses to even acknowledge you with a hello and then starts demanding you do things for the children you say no sorry. I would not want to put myself in that situation of allowing someone to treat me that way and then letting them thing they can demand things from me when they want it. I have more respect for myself than that. Perhaps if people do want their child's step parent to do things like this they should consider how they treat them in the first instance.

Treat someone like shit, don't expect them to be jumping at the opportunity to do anything for you, or your children.

I know lots of people will say "BUT ITS NOT FOR THE DM" but I can understand why it feels that way to OP.

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN

I actually see far more unhappy SPs on MN who have been completely taken advantage of by the children's parents actually.

I know lots of people will say "BUT ITS NOT FOR THE DM" but I can understand why it feels that way to OP. OMG thank you!! Yes this is the problem I had with it. I knew I should just go. But it was the attitude coming from her that I should do it that annoyed me.

@Avocadodo

They need help with the bags as they insist on bringing a weeks worth of stuff for a weekend and DH helps them load it up usually.

I'm not sure why my working hours are of concern whoever mentioned that but I work part time and I work damn hard and you have no idea what else I am dealing with in life right now.

I made a contract with my husband not his kids. He however has a parenting agreement with his ex.

This thread has got me more annoyed that her demand! I'm going. I will make it fun for LO and would go into a drive through mcdonalds on the way back but I'd probably get told off for that if their mum found out.

@Avocadodo I would do whatever it took to keep the DC quiet and ese the process for you.

The ex does not get to dictate how you do her a favour.

I'm an ex-wife I would not be so rude to ex's new wife and I would not be demanding favours from her. Her marriage to ex has nothing to do with ex's responsibilities towards our DC.

MN is ridiculous sometimes, the SM has no rights or say with regards the DSC but god forbid she doesn't race around playing chief skivvy to the DSC at the ex-wifes say so.

OP you do whatever makes life easiest for you whilst your doing this massive favour for the ex-wife. and it is to the ex-wife, if OP wasn't around ex would have to lump it.

You're right. Mcdonalds it is!

would go into a drive through mcdonalds on the way back but I'd probably get told off for that if their mum found out.

Quite honestly, fuck her. She doesn't get to dictate to you how you do this. If it's easier for you to go to McDonald's then bloody go! She would some enormous cheek even mentioning it.

@Avocadodo , why the distance between your DH and the children? Who moved?

If I had plans this weekend and my husband was injured in a way that stopped him looking after DC by himself, my options would be to cancel the plans or for us to find someone else to help. I wouldn’t dream of being rude or standoffish to anyone who volunteered, or not saying thanks because it was technically my husband’s role they were stepping in to cover. I’d say an effusive thanks in recognition of the fact that the DC are mine and my husband’s responsibility and anyone else’s input is a favour. I’d fully expect to be told to go and chase myself if I was rude to them. I don’t see why the fact that they’re separated changes the above scenario in terms of the ex needing to be polite if she wants a favour from someone who isn’t her co parent.

She moved. They both lived even further away together then she moved to the other side of the country. DH is actually nearer now than he would be if he'd stayed where he was but can't afford to live any nearer.

MN is ridiculous sometimes, the SM has no rights or say with regards the DSC but god forbid she doesn't race around playing chief skivvy to the DSC at the ex-wifes say so.

I've seen this said so many times on here. Usually I think "nah, the stepparenting board is pretty supportive on the whole with the odd negative post from randoms". I've been here years and this thread has honestly proven me wrong! Some utterly batshit posts on this thread.

Op, you're a star for doing the pick up. Well done for taking the moral high ground. Take them to McDonald's and get them the works if it helps. Fucks sake. I'm annoyed for you!

@MiddleParking

If I had plans this weekend and my husband was injured in a way that stopped him looking after DC by himself, my options would be to cancel the plans or for us to find someone else to help. I wouldn’t dream of being rude or standoffish to anyone who volunteered, or not saying thanks because it was technically my husband’s role they were stepping in to cover. I’d say an effusive thanks in recognition of the fact that the DC are mine and my husband’s responsibility and anyone else’s input is a favour. I’d fully expect to be told to go and chase myself if I was rude to them. I don’t see why the fact that they’re separated changes the above scenario in terms of the ex needing to be polite if she wants a favour from someone who isn’t her co parent.

Because it's a common (bizarre belief imo) that separated parents should have to have absolutely nothing to do with their children during the other parents time. They shouldn't be disturbed with any issues, they shouldn't be asked to do anything, they shouldn't have to alter any arrangements or change anything they were planning due to unforseen circumstances. People here would sooner have the father ask a stranger on the street to babysit in an emergency than ask the mother of his children because it's "not her time". It's really weird and comes up a lot. Usually only when you're talking about mothers though.

@Avocadodo

She moved. They both lived even further away together then she moved to the other side of the country. DH is actually nearer now than he would be if he'd stayed where he was but can't afford to live any nearer.

Then she's fortunate he does the travelling in the first place.