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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Should I just go and get them?

425 replies

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 16:32

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

LeonoraTheLemur · 08/09/2021 19:01

God no, you shouldn't have to be doing a horrible, long drive because neither set of parents can do it! They aren't your children and you're looking after a younger one already. Quite unreasonable of her to involve you since she refuses to meet you!

Original poster

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 19:05

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

You don't just stop being a parent when the other parent has care of your children.

You said it!
That’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s his contact time and his responsibility to sort it.
You’re very kindly doing him a favour by picking them up. It’s not the ex’s responsibility to sort out his contact time.

Can I just check then, if mum falls ill on her contact time and can't look after the kids by herself she should ask her DP rather than ask their dad if he can help? And then if dad says he can't as he's got a footie match to go to or something then dad is OK to insist her DP does it?

I think my DH would do his best to cancel his plans and look after his own children.

OP posts:

User135792468 · 08/09/2021 19:07

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

PurfectPaul · 08/09/2021 19:08

it’s up to the father to sort it out him self because it’s during the time that has been allocated to be responsible for his children.

MN can be very rigid with this. (With Mum anyway, I imagine if a Dad said "it's not my time, you sort it out" there would be cries of how they are always his children not just on set days).

I don't get it. If my ex couldn't do something for the kids (for a legitimate reason) I wouldn't just be like "well don't you bother me with it, you'll have to ask every Tom Dick and Harry instead because it's YOUR TIME". Very bizarre way of parenting imo, even if you're separated.

That's not to say I think one parent should always pick up the slack for silly things. But there are obviously going to be situations where you may have to do something on your "exes time" because you are still your child's parent

LeonoraTheLemur · 08/09/2021 19:09

I have no idea why you're getting a hard time on this thread op. I definitely don't think you should have to go and get them. Their mum could move her plans or drop them off a bit earlier? I don't understand why her time is more important than yours when they aren't even your DCs.

PurfectPaul · 08/09/2021 19:11

Also don't understand the horror about OP asking for petrol money! I wouldn't be doing a 3 hour round trip for free. My car drinks fuel ridiculously quick so it would cost me a fair bit to go 3 hours.

If you don't have completely joint funds it's completely reasonable for the husband to put fuel in his wife's car to pick up his children 3 hours away.

Original poster

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 19:11

Wow, not only are you a shit step parent but you’re a shit wife. Your dp is injured and you can’t be arsed to go and collect your step kids and have insisted he asks a family member

Kick someone while they are down why don't you.

I'm going.

And I haven't insisted he ask a family member what on earth are you on about. He asked the children's own mother. He offered to do both journeys next week. She has plans and doesn't want to do it but also won't cancel so I'm doing it.

It's not been easy since he's been injured and I feel like I'm hanging on by a thread here, juggling everything.

OP posts:

Beamur · 08/09/2021 19:11

I think my DH would do his best to cancel his plans and look after his own children

In a nutshell.

Original poster

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 19:12

*He offered to do both journeys next week

That's not actually next week but 2 weeks time sorry don't leap on me and have a go at me for that

OP posts:

User135792468 · 08/09/2021 19:13

@LeonoraTheLemur

The Op isn’t doing the ex a favour, she’s doing her Dh a favour as he is injured and unable to collect his children. It’s his contact time and his weekend so how on earth do you think it’s unreasonable for a husband to ask his wife to collect his children when he isn’t physically able to. They’re not the Op’s dc as you so lovingly wrote, but they are her DH’s dc.

2et2font5 · 08/09/2021 19:13

@AntiMaskersAreTwats

This is why step moms get a bad name. You sound horrible to be honest. You are married to their dad! Which means you took them on as well. Plus you’d really ask him for petrol money to do this? I think this is the least of your problems in your relationship.

She doesn't sound horrible, she sounds like she's having a hard time of it. She's about to do a three hour drive with a toddler, at the half way point nobody is going to invite her in for a cup of tea or even say hello, but she is horrible, according to you. It must be nice to have no money issues, too, as that the only reason I can think of for not understanding that petrol for a three hour drive is not cheap.

funinthesun19 · 08/09/2021 19:15

What’s wrong with asking for petrol money?

What if OP needs or wants that money for other things? He would have been spending it anyway if he was picking them up.

He should be offering it, never mind the op asking for it.

LeonoraTheLemur · 08/09/2021 19:15

They’re not the Op’s dc as you so lovingly wrote

Oh ouch. You got me. I categorically do not love the stepchildren of a random stranger on the internet. Cut me deep

Also, give over. Bunch of weirdos on here.

gremLynn · 08/09/2021 19:16

Wouldn't you do it for your DH, if not anyone else??!

Original poster

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 19:18

@funinthesun19

What’s wrong with asking for petrol money?

What if OP needs or wants that money for other things? He would have been spending it anyway if he was picking them up.

He should be offering it, never mind the op asking for it.

Thanks, money is tight (another source of stress atm). I wish I could just fill up my car whenever I want but I'm having to be so strict with it just for work.

OP posts:

CantBeAssed · 08/09/2021 19:18

Helping your dp out as a one off is hardly doing the parenting....bloody hell...if someone I didn't know very well was in his position I'd do it, its a common courtesy really

2et2font5 · 08/09/2021 19:19

@User135792468

Wow, not only are you a shit step parent but you’re a shit wife. Your dp is injured and you can’t be arsed to go and collect your step kids and have insisted he asks a family member. The ex has plans, if your dh normally collects then as his wife, how could you not just offer instead of it coming to this? It’s absolutely ridiculous that you won’t help your own Dh because you don’t normally do “parenting” things. I’m so happy that my ds doesn’t have a step parent in his life like this. Both keep to themselves and don’t do much parenting but have his best interests at heart and would drop everything to help if necessary.

I can't believe this sort of comment. Do you have no life whatsoever to have so little empathy? How hard is it to understand that a three hour car trip with a young child is not something that you would wish to avoid because you "can't be arsed"? It's not complicated, it's perfectly normal that the OP would want the parents to sort this out between themselves without the ex insisting that she, a woman that the ex has never so much as said hello to, should suddenly go on a three hour round trip.

HalzTangz · 08/09/2021 19:19

I don't understand why you wouldn't go and get them. They are your husband's kids and through your marriage part of your family.
You could always ask ex to meet you somewhere half way if the journey is long

User135792468 · 08/09/2021 19:21

@LeonoraTheLemur

They’re not the Op’s dc as you so lovingly wrote

Oh ouch. You got me. I categorically do not love the stepchildren of a random stranger on the internet. Cut me deep

Also, give over. Bunch of weirdos on here.

The “as you lovingly wrote” comment referred to you saying to the Op that why should she bother doing anything when they’re “not even her children”. As if a step parent couldn’t possibly do something kind or loving for their step dc.

I think most people with a certain level of intelligence can infer the meaning of a post. I’m sorry you’re not one of them.

LeonoraTheLemur · 08/09/2021 19:22

🙄

Redjumper1 · 08/09/2021 19:26

I think, as a one off, I would probably do it. I see that you are going to do it now OP having thought about it further. You don't deserve the harsh comments here.

harriethoyle · 08/09/2021 19:27

Her attitude sounds absolutely appalling. I'm not surprised she got your back up!

crapatthis1 · 08/09/2021 19:27

I understand your situation OP and crap that you are doing it. The only thing I'll say is there could be a very good reason why she cannot / doesn't want to cancel. Do you know what her plans are? I think if it was an emergency then she'd cancel but probably thinks that your DH needs to fix this.
Sucks for you though, I get it.

Sweettea1 · 08/09/2021 19:28

@ClemDanFango

Their Dad needs to step and arrange some way to get them not you.

Dad is trying to arrange it by asking his wife/partner to pick up instead.

Not sure what the issue is really you can't do your partner a favour as a 1 off?
You say he can't drive due to injury so he surely doesn't expect it all the time.

Thank god my ds has a fantastic stepmum and wasn't landed with some stepmum of here.

PurfectPaul · 08/09/2021 19:29

@CantBeAssed

Helping your dp out as a one off is hardly doing the parenting....bloody hell...if someone I didn't know very well was in his position I'd do it, its a common courtesy really

You'd take your small child on a 3 hour trip to pick up the kids of someone you don't know very well because their mother "had plans"?

🤣 Yeah, I don't believe you.

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