Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

@Lena007

If she asked nicely I would do it as a one off since DH was injured. But since she isn't being nice and is trying to force you to do it, I wouldn't. But that's just because I hate being forced to do anything! If she drives I would tell her is her plans are that important she can drop kids off this one time extra. How far is it?

This

Of course, the other question is, do they want to come and how much care will you need to takeover when they are with you? they want to come and I've already said I'm happy to do the cooking etc. They are old enough to mooch and watch netflix happily.

As in I've already said to DH not I've already said on here

No she can do it!

@Shitfuckcommaetc

Exactly! So it's still not the OP's problem! So why is the ex not insisting her DH do it? Why is OP getting the shit

I don't know what ex's plans are, maybe they are with her DP. I completely get she has plans and I'm going to do it. I know I'm being silly it's just the attitude that sucked. Like I might have plans that mean 3 hours driving isn't what I want to be doing. But I'll take the hit on this one.

She won't want to say hello. She refuses to meet me.

She won't want to say hello. She refuses to meet me.

You are not a taxi. I'm assuming you didn't sign up to be a taxi driver when marrying DH. 3hrs is actually a rather long drive. This combined with a attitude and non verbal contact means I would be noping out. And I have done a 4hr drive north ways to help my ex and his partner out.

If she wants you to step up, I would suggest that she also has to put the work in too to make the relationship good enough for favours to be asked.

I say this as a mum and step mum

Can you meet half way? Seems like a fair compromise to me!!

Good call OP and I hope the journey goes well.

Her attitude might be driven by your DH’s lack of fuss. If she perceived him to be saying “ oh dear, injured, can’t collect / see the kids, never mind” or “oh dear, can’t pick them up, if you want a free weekend, even though it is my contact time, you’ll have to drop them” then she mat be feeling somewhat aggravated.

It isn’t her fault he is injured or you won’t drive on motorways.

My first reaction to DH’s injury / contact weekend would have been ‘I will get them, will their mother be ok with that?’.

I hope it all goes smoothly.

Why the focus on the ex?

DH is dropping his kids for the weekend because he can't drive? His kids can't see him because he can't sort out having them picked up? Those poor kids.

How far is it? I'd go and pick them up, but then, I wouldn't be with a man who sees letting down his kids as "no fuss"

I am really confused about the fact the ex thinks that the OP should "step up" and do a 3 hour round trip rather than dropping her own kids off. Surely if one parent can't do something they would normally do the other parent is the one to "step up."

Sod her, get her to drop them off. You're not a proxy for your husband. What a cheek. What if you had plans?

I can see both points of view to be honest, why should you get involved and give up your free time as they are not your children and you might of have allready made plans, their mum will need to cancel hers as they are her children, that's just part and parcel of having children, you can't allways do what you plan to do and have to sometimes cancel.

but on the other hand you've decided to get involved with someone who has children and so these sort of problems will pop up now and then where you will be expected to help out or be seen as selfish in the relationship.

If you help out this time then expect more requests to help out in the future

Your DP has a responsibility to look after his kids when it’s his time to, even if he is injured. His ex shouldn’t have been put in the position of having to insist in the first place.

There is one person in DH’s family who can help out. That’s you, OP.

So no fuss from DH as in no fuss from DH trying to pressurise me to do it. Not as in he's nonchalantly told the ex she'll have to do it.

@NailsNeedDoing

Your DP has a responsibility to look after his kids when it’s his time to, even if he is injured. His ex shouldn’t have been put in the position of having to insist in the first place.

I see what you're saying but I'm the one looking after our LO as he can't really so I thought it was up to the parents to sort it out between themselves really. Like if she was in hospital I'd expect DH to look after them and cancel his plans. Not insist EX'S DP do it.

'She won't want to say hello. She refuses to meet me.'

Then absolutely not, she shouldn't be getting you involved anyway.
It's between her and your DH to sort it out.
If this is a one off from DH she sounds petty.

You're lovely, I'd make her drop them off, if her plans are that important she will, no way would I dance to her tune because when it's happened once she knows she can make it happen again. You'll be making a rod for your own back I reckon x

I don’t think it’s up to the parents to sort out between themselves es, it’s up to the father to sort it out him self because it’s during the time that has been allocated to be responsible for his children.

He should be finding a way to collect his children, especially as they still want to come. He doesn’t get to wash his hands of responsibility for collecting his children because he ‘can’t find anyone else’. He clearly could find someone else, and that person should be you as a capable and supportive wife and stepmother. If your DH hasn’t tried to forget about his children for the weekend, she wouldn’t have needed to point out that he could ask you.

Oh god that’s a point actually.

Can you imagine if his ex was injured and he demanded her partner does the running around? Somehow I bet that would be different as the dad should be stepping up and putting his children first above his plans, why is it the stepfather’s responsibility etc?…

But somehow when it’s the mum she has the right to opt out when her child’s other parent is injured and demands the stepmum run around.

She sounds like a cheeky fucker and I wouldn't be doing anything that she insisted I do!
I understand why you'd do it for your DP & the DC but fuck that, she can't dictate what you do.

Like if she was in hospital I'd expect DH to look after them and cancel his plans. Not insist EX'S DP do it.

But your DH isn’t in hospital and you said the only thing preventing him having his children was the transport from their mums to their Dads? That’s not comparable.

@Lena007

If she asked nicely I would do it as a one off since DH was injured. But since she isn't being nice and is trying to force you to do it, I wouldn't. But that's just because I hate being forced to do anything! If she drives I would tell her is her plans are that important she can drop kids off this one time extra. How far is it?

I actually agree with this - this is a major boundary issue. She's treating you like the junior hire which is really disrespectful. If you don't set boundaries she will do this in perpetuity and possibly get worse.

Can she not drop them off?

She won't want to say hello. She refuses to meet me.

So she wants to what…rudely demand that a stranger to her drive a three hour round trip to her house, where she will rudely not even say hello let alone offer you a cup of tea and a toilet break? And she’s surprised that this strategy isn’t working that well?