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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Should I just go and get them?

425 replies

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 16:32

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

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Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:29

Ex sounds pretty rude but you come over extremely detached from your step kids because i don't do most of the "parenting" things?

OP posts:
Lulu1919 · 08/09/2021 18:30

Half way meet-up to swap kinds into your car
Her DP drops them with you
You drive and take their dad with you
You drive alone
Don't go

I think I'd just go but I'd use the fastest route ..you're not keen on the motorway but could stay in the inside lane ?

frazzledasarock · 08/09/2021 18:30

I wouldn’t bother with anyone who treats me like their servant available for their beck and call but couldn’t even deign to say hi to me.

Sod that.

She can drop her kids off herself.

This isn’t hurting the dc at all. I’d not put myself out for the ridiculous woman.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:30

@MiddleParking

She won't want to say hello. She refuses to meet me.

So she wants to what…rudely demand that a stranger to her drive a three hour round trip to her house, where she will rudely not even say hello let alone offer you a cup of tea and a toilet break? And she’s surprised that this strategy isn’t working that well?

Yes. This is the gist of it. LO will be in the car too and could probably do with a break at some point but that's fine I know a layby.
OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/09/2021 18:33

Your husband is being unreasonable. It is his contact time with his children. He needs to sort it out.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:34

@Lulu1919

Half way meet-up to swap kinds into your car Her DP drops them with you You drive and take their dad with you You drive alone Don't go

I think I'd just go but I'd use the fastest route ..you're not keen on the motorway but could stay in the inside lane ?

I'd have LO in the car and I'm not sure DH would be too happy me taking the kids on the motorway on my own. They like to argue a lot in the car.

It's ok, I'm going. I'm doing it for DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:36

@KylieKoKo

I am really confused about the fact the ex thinks that the OP should "step up" and do a 3 hour round trip rather than dropping her own kids off. Surely if one parent can't do something they would normally do the other parent is the one to "step up."
Yes that's how I'd seen it but I realise with step family's there's going to be a bit of give and take.
OP posts:
LegendaryReady · 08/09/2021 18:36

I think he has to find a way to have them picked up. It's not your job but your husband does need to make it possible for the DC to come. If I could help my injured DH like that, I would.

LargeYorkshirePuddingAndGravy · 08/09/2021 18:39

This is petty af

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:40

@NailsNeedDoing

Like if she was in hospital I'd expect DH to look after them and cancel his plans. Not insist EX'S DP do it.

But your DH isn’t in hospital and you said the only thing preventing him having his children was the transport from their mums to their Dads? That’s not comparable.

No he's not in hospital but I'm the one doing all the cooking and stuff this weekend otherwise they wouldn't be able to come really. He's in no state to do anything but sit and hobble around slowly. I would expect him to look after the kids if their mum was in a similar state and he was healthy.
OP posts:
eeyore228 · 08/09/2021 18:41

OMG when did having SC/being a step-parent become like this? I couldn't stand my DH’s ex, she was awful BUT that wasn't his kid's fault and they certainly didn't deserve punishment. I mean I was that stepchild as well and I'm lucky that my SM/SD put me first. Point scoring never helps the situation and ultimately as long you're not taken the piss out of, you are now part of these children lives! You chose their dad and by default are part of a family, sometimes it sucks but I doubt you would get away with avoiding the ex

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:44

I have to do the chores DH can't do on top of the drive. It's going to be a tough weekend. It's been a tough week as it is, I've been in tears trying to juggle work, my LO and keeping the house going and everyone fed. I hate driving. I am going to get them but it would have been nicer to have had support than being told I'm being petty. Not everything has to be an ultra serious relationship defining issue to post here?

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 08/09/2021 18:48

Having read all your posts I wouldn't be doing it. You initially said No so that should have been the end of your involvement. It was up to your Dh and his ex to then figure out an alternative.

The fact she then 'insisted' you collect them would automatically make me say No again, maybe a bit louder so Dh hears you this time.
The fact she has never wanted to meet you, won't likely say hello, yet expects you to collect the kids again would make me scream No.
And lastly the fact that you have to drive your LO on a 3 hour round trip would definitely be a No.

So all in all it's a No from me.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:48

@AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken

Your husband is being unreasonable. It is his contact time with his children. He needs to sort it out.
How is he supposed to sort it out? He's asked me. That is all he can do. I mean I've decided to do it but if I hadn't what is he seriously supposed to do? He can barely walk.

You don't just stop being a parent when the other parent has care of your children.

OP posts:
PurfectPaul · 08/09/2021 18:49

On the face of it I'd say yes you should and if it were 20 mins down the road id say you were being ridiculous not offering too. But then you mention the length of time and the fact you have a LO who would also have to travel 3 hours in the car to get them. How old is your LO?

I wouldn't be travelling with a very small child / baby / toddler for 3 hours in the car without any proper break. Especially not for someone who demanded I do X and Y and wouldn't even give me the courtesy of a hello. She can drop them off in that instance. There have been plenty of times DH has had to do things for his ex because she no longer could, he didn't expect her boyfriend to do it.

So I agree with PP, it is usual that if one parent is unable to do something, it's the other parent who 'steps up' in the first instance imo.

notthemum · 08/09/2021 18:53

Have I missed how old the children are (including the OPs ) and is the OPs child her DHs ?

YellowClouds · 08/09/2021 18:54

How long does it take if you go the motorway route?

Just as it sounds like the kids are maybe a bit older or teens. Could they be sent in a taxi from their mum's (your DH paying?) would that work?

Eralos · 08/09/2021 18:54

I would get them, it’s a one off. Your lives sound pretty sepperate. Not my children etc and he’d have to pay you the money for petrol. You’re married right? Aren’t you a team?

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:56

@Eralos

I would get them, it’s a one off. Your lives sound pretty sepperate. Not my children etc and he’d have to pay you the money for petrol. You’re married right? Aren’t you a team?
They aren't my children and I don't have the spare money for petrol. Our finances aren't really the point though.
OP posts:
ProudAlly · 08/09/2021 18:57

I wouldn't do it. She's been rude and refuses to meet you. Until that changes I'd refuse to help. If she's prepared to be reasonable and acknowledge you as a party to the DCs lives and not simply issue orders then I'd be more flexible. But right now, no.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:58

@YellowClouds

How long does it take if you go the motorway route?

Just as it sounds like the kids are maybe a bit older or teens. Could they be sent in a taxi from their mum's (your DH paying?) would that work?

I think the youngest DSC wouldn't be happy with that.

LO is toddler, old enough to do the journey, has done similar, will need a break but that's fine. DSC are 10 and 13.

OP posts:
AntiMaskersAreTwats · 08/09/2021 18:58

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Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 18:58

And yes shared LO

OP posts:
AllTheUsernamesAreAlreadyTaken · 08/09/2021 18:58

You don't just stop being a parent when the other parent has care of your children.

You said it!
That’s exactly what he’s doing. It’s his contact time and his responsibility to sort it.
You’re very kindly doing him a favour by picking them up. It’s not the ex’s responsibility to sort out his contact time.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 19:00

@AntiMaskersAreTwats

This is why step moms get a bad name. You sound horrible to be honest. You are married to their dad! Which means you took them on as well. Plus you’d really ask him for petrol money to do this? I think this is the least of your problems in your relationship.
Thanks.

Yes I would. We regularly send money between our personal spending accounts.

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