A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Vie8126 these problems are not what you need having a newborn. I would be as angry and cross as you. And on the morning lifts it would be a firm no. I would just say that you have already agreed he is to get there on his own and go grey rock on him, repeat as many times as needed. He could buy second hand tablet so you have two, each for each child. It is heart breaking to see how differently he treats both kids. I will not work long term if he wants to do that.

Why men treat us worse than their ex partners and expect us to put up with it all?

Put up with lack of adult only time and changing days last minute when DSC are coming and they are here majority of the time when DP isn't at work, put up with being abandoned when DSC are over because suddenly your partner prefers to sleep with them, put up with a lack of affection when DSC are here almost as if a peck on the lips to say good night was a death sentence crime once seen by DSC, put up with him having ex, walking on eggshells around her and treating her so precious that you aren't even allowed to say a word when DSC are on the phone to her, you know, in case she hears you and gets upset....sex? Well yeah we have 10 minutes once DSC is watching a cartoon with them interrupting every 3 seconds, but it is either that or nothing?

I had DP's ex wanting to speak to me a few days ago to say thank you for being with him now as she doesn't have to be his DP any longer and he didn't make her happy anyway... I mean, Wtf?

DP has ordered a birthday cake for me, and let me chose which Saturday I want to have, as birthday is mid of the week. I've picked the one when DSC isn't here and guess what? You can tell from the distance that's not what he wanted as DSC will feel excluded

Sorry for the rant. I love him but this relationship makes me feel shit, and it isn't getting any better. I don't know how to speak to him about it all so he doesn't think I don't accept DSC.

@Lena007 don't apologise for ranting we get it, I think this post seems to avoid the normal bashing any individual post gets on this board.

Best advice I have found on here is actually letting the parents parent and if you have to step back for your mental well-being then step back. Also works when DP wants you to fill the number void, which isn't a light burden and will knock teeth out of joint.

Your entitled to have your birth how your would like it. Sounds like a bad case of dad guilt. Have you spoken to him about it ?

The ex sounds interesting, sounds like she was having a dig at you and at him all in one patronising tone.

Just be Uber kind to yourself on this one. Burn out happens fast without firm boundaries

@Vie8126 honestly I'd explode at all of that. It's so unreasonable of him to expect you to take him to the train station and not to buy a second tablet. I don't even know what to say. If he wants dsd to watch YouTube and doesn't want to get a second tablet then dsd can use his phone the knob!

@Lena007 I wish I could give you the words but my dh takes a lot of what I say as a personal attack and turns it round on me to say I'm childish and jealous of an 8yr old - when it's the 8yr olds jealousy and then behaviour that comes out of that jealousy not being dealt with thats the fucking problem!

We are having counselling around it as I am not happy. It's taken 3 serious leaving attempts to get to this point and for him to see there's a problem and it's not me! There's a lot that he has done in the past year or so around putting dss above me in his weird nrp guilt trip he's put on himself (was fine before we got married) that i feel extremely resentful about and so little rejections now hurt a lot - this annoys dh as he sees it in my face but he's never made it better, tbh I don't think he knows how because I do know he loves me, wants us to be a team around the dc and wants to make it better. He 100% doesn't want dss to grow up being the way he's being and wants to make it better but he becomes paralysed with nrp guilt and dss manipulations. Dss plays him like a fiddle, dh sees it sometimes- the other day as I told dss to stop climbing the walls and he said "why do mums always say get off the walls so they don't get dirty - he had told dh a week or so before when dh had told him to stop climbing the walls that his mum let's him do it so dh felt bad for telling him to stop... when he's not feeling defensive we can have great conversations around how we're going to support all 3 dc, putting into action is dh issue and my issue is I can't lighten up anymore, I'm consumed with resentment that gets directed at dss when it should be dh (not that I voice this to dss, I put on a great act and take myself away when it starts to slip)

If was a weaker or less educated person I'd have thought I was crazy - as it is I know what I'm saying about the dynamics and issues are 'right' as I've had personal counselling, this supportive forum and even his own mum and sister see what he's doing wrong. Each time he's accused me of being jealous I've been able to articulate that he's creating feelings of rejection and displacement in me and that any woman would feel the same. I've also cried, argued and started packing his bags like a crazy person. I've never put up with any of this bullshit before and the only reason I'm still here is because dh wants to make it better and sees there's a problem. I've been an unmarried step mum in a previous relationship. I had my dcs older brother (13 at the time) live with me and my dcs sister with us fri to mon every weekend. He also had another 2 boys that came over eo Saturday (god knows why I had more flipping dc with the man, I was very young). I didnt have any of these issues! He was a knob as a partner but with the dc I never once felt displaced, second best, resentful. We were a great team around dc. He was a strict parent though, I got to be the nice fun one because he was very firm and his dc still really like me now (I'm friends with his ex wife) hug me when they see me ect. Actually I think its a combination of his dcs dms weren't bothered about me so dc had no loyalty binds and ex was strict so I was the nice one. When you get that combination blending works well imo. I don't have that combination, dhs ex is vile and it is emotional abuse what she does to dss and dh tries to be firm but feels guilty so always gives in and they have created quite a spoiled child who isn't that nice to be around. In a weird way he's a lot nicer when he's not got dh around, he knows my boundaries and doesn't try to manipulate me.

Argh step parenting is fucking shit

@Lena007 you have your birthday when you want your birthday and if he also wants to do something when dsc are there he can arrange another cake can't he. Its horrible feeling like a second class citizen in your own relationship.

@StarryNight468 I've done the crazy stuff too I've left several times or told him we're done. Always over the dsd never anything else. It's been nice being in a bubble where she doesn't come and isn't really mentioned which sounds horrific to say out loud as such. Now we're getting near to her coming again were back to the rows. Your previous relationship is additional proof not that you need it that there is a bigger problem here. Esp when his own family see it too!! You can't help the resentment building. It's interesting it got worse when you married. Mine is going to get worse now the baby is here I can feel it.

My DP is a knob he cannot see what I say or my side. He spoke to a friend (a 24 year old with no kids) who backed up that I must be jealous of dsd and always have been just said okay well now go speak to someone who has kids as they've all mentioned to me the way you pander to dsd and do this Disney dad act.

@Vie8126 @StarryNight468 @Lena007 @TwoBulletsFiveZombies

This thread really brings some relief for me to know that I wasn't going crazy. I experienced all the issues you describe, and more with my DP, however he's now an EXDP as I was getting absolutely nothing positive from the relationship. We had been engaged for 5 years, and he'd previously been certain about getting married again, yet whenever I brought up setting a date, there was another excuse.

I thank my lucky stars I didn't marry him now, as it's been relatively straightforward splitting from him, although I do feel really sad for our DC (I have two under 6) not seeing their dad every day anymore. I also earned more than double his salary, so am able to buy a new house on my own to live in with the DC.

I think the thing you need to consider is whether you are both in the same page, and if not, can you get there? My EXDP refused to go for counselling, which was my last resort, and chose to bury his head in the sand rather than deal with the issues at hand.

If the relationship has got to a stage of resentment, and he's not working with you to understand and remedy it, in my experience it only gets worse. This also impacts the house, as you also begin to pull back from the DSC as well, given 9 times out of 10, the DSM is doing all the grunt work for DC and DSC (I know I was).

@candlelightsatdawn thank you. I was thinking he is guilt ridden but at the same time he knows how to set boundaries with DSD and there is no red carpet treatment there. He is hands on dad and there is no expectation of me to parent or anything like that. He wants me to be included in their lives but when he decides to watch TV cuddled with DSD until 1am and at the same time I have to sit on my own, then they are both off to bed together chatting away, laughing and go to bed on my own because she is here, something breaks in me and it makes me feel as if I was OW in this relationship of 3 of us 

But maybe I'm unreasonable and this is normal? it makes me feel so displaced as @StarryNight468 said. I actually like this word, it fits well within step parenting context.

@StarryNight468 I hear you. DSD is 8 too. Maybe that's the age? Hope your DH sees what he is doing wrong and will be able to fix it by changing his behaviour and seeing it all from your point of view. It's interesting you haven't had these problems in previous relationship with SDC involved.

@Vie8126 I'm with you saying that someone who doesn't have kids and isnt/ wasn't a step parent can do more damage than good with their advice. I don't know any step mums in real life so this forum is a godsend because if I told anyone else about these problems they would be thinking I'm mad and have too much time to overthink, kids come first always, you knew he had a child, and similar wisdoms

@Lena007 hmm I don't think he is able to set boundaries if he keeps his dd up till 1am and sleeps with her. That's not normal parenting for 8yr olds. That's trying to be her friend not her dad! I would also feel utterly displaced and like there was a third person in our marriage. Your feelings are completely normal and as my counsellor said to me about the same issue - any woman would naturally feel rejected in that situation. When we feel rejected and displaced we're not going to be happy.

@Vie8126 what he's doing isn't fair or right. He needs individual counselling to get over his nrp guilt. I imagine he is projecting massively about how dsd is feeling about the baby and over compensating by being a dick.

@Starseeking sounds like utterly relief for you to have him as the ex now. Your happiness is worth more than step parenting emotional sacrificing. I often feel like I'd be happier single or maybe just dating dh until dc are older. Dh doesn't want that, he's open to living apart but being together but in his reality that means we'll always be at my place unless we're arguing - I don't want that. I want us either to successfully blend or stay seperate and date without dc around.

So this is probably utterly ridiculous but tonight me and dh were supposed to walk up a local monument to watch the sunset. Dh had to work late and didn't get back till 7.30 (sunset ten past 8) I reheated the chicken fajitas filling for his dinner ect whilst dh googled where else to go for a walk. He then decided to get in the shower before our walk blabla. I said I was disappointed about not going and he said well dss said today that he wanted to go for a sunset so we thought a family sunset over the weekend would be nice. I said yes but really I was thinking fuck off. He got in the shower, I de maggotted the bin and when I came back in he asked why I was off. I said I'm not pissy, I just feel disappointed that we didn't go and instead of you saying we'll do the next sunset we can you said dss wants to have a family sunset. I'm just disappointed that you didn't say we'd do a sunset as soon as we can plus its our only night before our dc weekend and we haven't had an evening together this week. Dh told me I was "fucking hard work" "I've got issues and I'm jealous" blabla all the usual and I am now doubting myself. Am I actually being childish? I'll 100% take it if I am.

@StarryNight468 you aren't unreasonable at all. How old are your DCs? Is there a possibility of you and DH having a night a week just for yourself? Ring fence the adult time to work on relationship, closeness? I think it is important in these relationships (in all relationships actually) to find the time just for the two of you. Like a date night, even if it was once every fortnight. I know it can be tricky when kids are small and can't be left at home on their own but it could help you a lot. If you had enough quality time with DH and his attention, I don't think it would be a big deal for your DSS to come with you to see the sun set. You could still go with DH only one night and make it a family thing the other night.

It is all about certain needs to be met. If we know we are important to our DP, one more night with DSC won't really make a difference. But on the other hand of we feel neglected and treated as second best by DP, any more time his time with DSC potentially even further takes away DP'S attention and makes us feeling worse and resentment builds up.

And my DP says he stays late with DSD and sleeps with her because he wants to. She mentioned last week she could sleep in a different room and then he replied 'but I would never leave you just like that' she said to us she would want to go for holiday with both of us but of course, I would have my own hotel room because she sleeps with dad. This made me realise how sick this is that he allows her to think it is okay. I've messaged him yesterday and told him I'm not comfortable with it and what is going to happen if I refuse to sleep separately when she is over. He said we will talk about it. We will see what he comes up with.

@StarryNight468 I would feel the same as you I would have been seething. I would have lost it with DP immediately. Why is the only answer ever you're hard work, jealous, mean etc it's so stupid of them. They really never see it do they. As Lena said if he made time for you and didn't do this odd behaviour towards dss you'd be fine with it. I would have gone for the walk myself I think. Can you make time for a date night around the DC and work commitments?

@Lena007 It wouldn't sit right with me dp sharing a bed with his dd good for you for telling him you won't stand for it. Absolutely sod the holiday in a seperate room not a chance shoukd you be made to feel like a second class citizen when you are paying for the pleasure.

My DP is actually having two days off this weekend now and got up with baby on the two night feeds last night. I had to get up also as sleep next to bubs but he did both the feeds and I got a little extra rest at least. Dsd is meant tk be with us this weekend but abroad on holiday. So we don't have her until another 2 weeks time. It would have been 8 weeks when she comes since he last saw her. I'm actually dreading that weekend can you imagine how fucking awful the Disney dad ding will be after all that time of not seeing her and a new baby in the mix. It's already giving me huge anxiety. If I could get away with not being around and having to witness it I would but the only way that would happen is if I left baby with him and tbh I can't trust him with baby with her around as he will have zero bounderies (unlike with my much older children!)

Thank you both! We started working out with his old kickboxing instructor every Tuesday then having a nandos but that wasn't kept up so me and my dc go now. I've asked him time and time again for us to have regular ring fenced time but it never happens. I'm not upset about him having to work late, I'm upset that he didn't say we'll do it next time we can (Monday when dss goes back) and instead said dss wants to do it too. I don't give af if dss wants a family sunset! I'm 99% sure dss didn't say he wants a family sunset, I would bet money that Thursday morning he complained to dh about wanting to go to a sunset too and dh would have said don't worry dss we'll all go and see one over the weekend, and thats why dh wasn't that bothered about missing it.

When me and dh first got together and all the way through our together but not living together and married stage we always used to drive round to different places being 'sunset chasers'. It was always our thing and we haven't done it once this year.

@Lena007 good for you! Let us know what he says! I would 100% feel the same way and wouldn't go away with them tbh. I've only been away with dh and dss plus my dc once and dh and dss shared the double airbed on dss insistence. Fuck that shit and I'll never do it again. Dh keeps talking about going to Spain for Oct half term, I keep saying nope, never going on holiday as a family if we can't have our own room and sleep together. He keeps saying ah dss will be fine when he starts his counselling, nope I know that he won't be and I know that I'm not going away and not being in the master suite with dh.

@Vie8126 I'm happy he has started helping. What is he saying now about the early morning lift to the train station?

It's a shame you can't stay overnight somewhere else with you and the baby when his dsd comes over. It's going to be hell.

@StarryNight468 kickboxing and nandos sounds like fun!! I'm glad you turned it into a positive still and get to enjoy quality time with your own DC. DSS def wouldnt have come up with that by himself at his age?! It's been prompted somehow he either knew you were going and was jealous and said it or DP somehow put the idea/words in his head? Has he mentioned when the two of you will be able to sunset chase again? It's a lovely thing to do together and he should be making the effort to bring it back to the relationship.

@Lena007 yes let us know how that goes down. I would be fucking fuming I actually can't believe that he doesn't find it uncomfortable now his dd is getting older?!

I am fairly fortunate in that I wont have to put up with dsd on holiday yet. Her dm would cancel her coming last minute or refuse her passport just to fuck dp over so he won't even entertain the idea at the moment. We booked a holiday for next year just us, baby and my DC. He has said though when she is older and has more of a voice with her mother she can come. Joy. We don't even have her in the holidays (as yet) literally just EoW except at Xmas when my mil decides she doesn't want to go backwards and forwards and always agrees that we have her for like 10 days straight which always pisses me off as she isn't around to have her so just dumped to me (I work term time only)

@StarryNight468 can you imagine what kind of fresh hell it's going to be... It makes me feel physically sick. I could go to my dms she's already said after dsd has met her brother I should just leave him to his time with her and take baby and go to hers.

I do have a fresh perspective now on my own experiences with stepmothers. My dad was never particularly present in my life but when he was he was all 'this is my daughter isn't she wonderful' showing off to his mates down the pub on a Saturday afternoon etc SM always had this funny look on her face towards me and I never got it. They've since divorced (my dad's own behaviour nothing to do with me) but now I get it, it must have been terrible for her to be pushed aside and for him to be so consumed with showing me off and acting like this wonderful father when she knew the truth. I often feel for her (and other girlfriends he had that had the same look and probably felt the exact same!) so at odds with my mum and my stepfather. He had 4 children and we just referred to ourselves and brothers and sisters they had two children themselves together and we were just one big family he knew his children's faults and mum knew mine I don't think she ever had to deal with this bullshit. May have helped we were all teenagers from 12 to 19 between the 5 of us when they got together. His DC lived wjtb them as their mother had passed away maybe that was the difference he wasn't a nrp....

Hope its OK to join? I have very similar problems to all of you on here and have been reading for quite a while!
Contact weekend starts today with stepson and you could already feel the tension as I got out of bed this morning. Is it normal to feel this nervous?! I honestly dread to think whats going to happen this weekend. I hate it. The whole family turns upside down from an 8 year old, it causes so many unnecessary arguments and our joint DC get completely forgotten about, including myself. Egh. Here we go again

@Vie8126 @StarryNight468

I'm actually going to see him tonight, not sure if there will be time to talk just the two of us as DSD is here and stays overnight. If not tonight it is tomorrow and I could do with some help preparing for this chat because it makes me cringe

So far I want to tell him that:

1. A holiday without him sleeping with me isn't going to happen
2. It's not right for him to sleep with her. I understand she needed a time to adjust to the new place etc but it has been going for 6 months now and I want him to speak to her and tell her we can decorate the spare bedroom and she sleeps there from now on. He is going to tell me he is missing her and doesn't want to make her cross and not happy as her DM will start messing around with DSD head telling her he doesn't love her any more but loves me and will be shouting and arguing with him. I know for a fact it is one of the reasons it is the way it is. Plus DSD is so possessive of him, doesn't want to leave us alone for 2 seconds in case we cuddle or he gives me a kiss. She is obsessed about the fact we both could be naked when she isn't with us all the time ( her DM puts ideas in her head...)

I'm going to tell him that DSD will soon hit puberty and I don't know any dad's who sleep with daughters at that age of 8 (but I don't know any divorced dad's with daughters so he is going to tell me this). I will ask him if he is planning to sleep with her when she will be 15 as I assume he is still going to miss her? And if he is afraid of what his ex is going to do when she finds out DSD is delegated to the other bedroom so I can sleep with her dad I'm going to ask if we will want to move in together/get engaged/ married have a child if he is going to think first of what his ex wants to make her happy rather than us. Yeah best put her in the golden frame! I'm not having that.

1. I want to know where my place is in his life, and I want DSD to know it too. I'm not going to step down from it every time when she is here and I want her to know it.

I don't know what am I going to do if he tells me I'm just jelaous, and that I'm an adult so should understand and that kind of shit. I don't know.

Have I missed anything important I should tell him?

@Hatetheweekends

Welcome
It seems like all 8 years old cause havoc in step families! Sorry to hear it has been difficult for you too

@Hatetheweekends 8yr olds are definitely a common theme here!

@Lena007 I'd go in with a slightly different angle. I'd speak about how concerned I felt about dsd feeling so anxious around her place in yours and dad's life. I'd download the anxious child booklet from young minds and highlight about dcs at that age needing boundaries to feel safe and secure. I'd talk to him about getting a court order (which would be easy to do without legal fees if he only wants the contact he currently gets) so that he can ensure he can parent how he needs to to meet dsds needs without fear of contact being stopped.

I'd talk about dsd needing to feel she belongs, and how boundaries and being in her place as a child will create that. That sleeping with dad and telling you where you'll sleep isn't good for her as it gives her too much control which then creates anxiety in children as they need their parents to be in control so they feel safe.

Then I'd say we need to make a plan as I'm not happy feeling displaced, its a common feeling for step families but I cannot continue to feel it. Dsd is not happy as if she was a happy child she wouldn't feel the need to go to bed with you and be so anxious about us alone. I might for good measure put in that as her dm is so unstable that he needs to counteract that and show dsd that she is loved and safe without being pondered too and she needs to know that you want her around too. I'd suggest a fortnightly or monthly trip with just you and dsd to bond and the same for her and her dad alongside family days. She needs a bedtime routine with bath, story and bed thats completely consistent so she learns to feel safe even when not with dad. I'd also say if you don't teach her how to settle herself (gently) then who will.

But I've said all of the above to dh and I'm still accused of being jealous ect so who knows. I just think framing it as concerns rather than criticism is more helpful. Maybe that's where I've gone wrong though!

@Lena007 @StarryNight468 it seems that way! I agree with starrynights post I would also try that way, failing that I'd give the ultimatum.
I was heavily pregnant and sleeping on the sofa whilst dp and ss had the bed. In the end after trying everything I told dp that he could go get a hotel every weekend with step son if they wanted to continue sharing a bed and i really meant it. And that night when they got into my bed I stood there and made him leave to get a hotel. Was one hell of a shock to him as I normally roll over and do what I'm told when it comes to step son but I'd really had enough. Not my finest moment but I tried EVERYTHING and was in pain and hormonal and that was just one battle with them out of many. It worked but I honestly wouldn't do it unless you are willing to risk your relationship ending

@Hatetheweekends @StarryNight468

Thank you. I've just re-read my post and realise it sounds harsh. I would make this chat as painful and as gentle as possible but in my mind I exactly know my own boundaries and what I'm not going to put up with. And the whole subject frustrates me a lot!

I take on board all what you say and I agree it could lead the conversation in a much better way and I'm sure DP would appreciate it too.

Court order. I have a court order to see my own DS and his dad couldn't care less and does what he wants, which means I don't really get to see DS. DP and ex have a good set up with DSD and their work so he wouldn't want to rock that boat unless necessary.

DP get a lot of time with DSD on their own and I try to bold a nice relationship with her too. She comes in for cuddles, we play together, read and do arts and crafts just me and her.

What am I going to do if he says that he knows she is anxious and thinks sleeping with him lelps her and keeps her happy?

@Hatetheweekends

No way on you being heavily pregnant having to sleep on the sofa. Was DP okay with a that? Good for you for standing up, you can only take so much before getting to your breaking point

@Hatetheweekends welcome! Sorry to hear you have the same issues as so many of us. Gobsmacked that you were sleeping on the sofa whilst heavily pregnant I am not surprised you made him go to a hotel good for you!!!! I dread contact weekends too it's a horrible feeling isn't it.

@Lena007 I would frame it as @StarryNight468 did not that your way is wrong it's just I think (from having so many huge rows about this!) it's seen as a criticism of them or their child and immediately gets off on the wrong foot. Their back is immediately up and will instantly go down the jealous, you've never liked them route.

@Hatetheweekends you have got to be kidding. It was expected you sleep where heavily pregnant?!??!

I'm actually floored at how common this is coming up here. What on earth ?!

Dammed right you should put your foot down. It's so bizarre I actually don't know what to say but to top it off calling people jealous ? Well yes because your treating your kid like your partner and crossing a massive boundary. Man alive.

But the way the above doesn't come from a place of judgement just shock - I have no right to any judgment as we have our own issues in this house. Mainly our 13 wets the bed (which is fine but she won't tell anyone) and will wake up and sit in it 😵‍💫- she's been to doctor no medical reason, been to therapist (no reason he could find) other than to say he asked her about it and she said that it doesn't bother her because it's not her bed and we don't yell like her mum when she does it so she's not to worried 😦 DSD isn't nerotypical and genuinely doesn't see a issue no matter what we do. We have raised to so many times but now obviously she's getting her period and it's just awful. Tbh the disregard for the bed has shown up in treatment of animals (we had to give the dog away as she kept hurting him), general hygiene, personal hygiene, damaging carpets, objects and will flat out lie even when caught in the lie (her mum was the one who saw her hit the dog and she denied it).

I'm so at a loss tbh - I know everyone reading this must be thinking they must be doing something wrong (I probably would too) it's just she won't tell us (I wouldn't be angry I just don't want her sleeping in wet bed !) doctors have no idea although they consultant said you know some kids are just lazy. We restrict every type of thing they suggested, and weirdly she does have accidents at her mums because the mum confirmed, so what she said to the therapist wasn't accurate either. I feel like I'm going mad. I can't make a 13 wear nappies it would be cruel. She talks to me and we are quite close so her not even telling me makes me feel quite upset.

It's got to the point where I'm going to have to ask DH to take her somewhere else on contact weekend because honestly I can't cope. We have been through 5 mattress this year and so many duvets because she complained she had plastic sheets to her mum and they weren't nesscary. She's lots that battle when her mum found a load of her wet bedsheets in cupboard. Mums approach is I have tried nothing else I can do, just do more laundry 😵‍💫😵‍💫

I would have posted this on the main board but was worried about being jumped on.

@Lena007 yes I made it to 34 weeks with sciatica on the sofa, dd was born a week later. Thats why I completely lost my shit in the end. It was even worse because they didn't go to bed until 1/2 in the morning so I had to wait up for the sofa to be free. Looking back I dont know why I put up with it in the first place.
Dp was not okay with it at all! How dare I think of myself before him and stepson. Hes okay about it now as times gone on but it really kicked off when I done that.

I wish stepson would come sit down and do arts and crafts and play games and join in with our joint dc but he refuses everything, even day trips are a nightmare. We can't go without him but he makes it very known the whole time that he doesnt want to be there so we all end up miserable from how he makes it. But God forbid we even go swimming without him. Its a losing battle this step parenting shit

This step parenting is terrible! Why do we even do this to ourselves by being in these relationships!

@Hatetheweekends I can't imagine how neglected you must have felt to make that ultimatum. How an earth are you meant to let go of that resentment!

@candlelightsatdawn the bed wetting and refusing plastic sheets! There's something causing the wetting, or does she get a lot of attention from it? Good or bad?

@Lena007 dh says the same about the court order but tbh his actual reason is that she can be quite flexible and he doesn't want to lose that, but then creates a huge rod for his own back by ensuring dss gets what he wants so he still wants to come.

If I could turn back time I'd never have lived with and married dh. It's going to be so messy to end it where my dc like him and like him around and I feel quite guilty about creating this family and then ending it. My family, his family and my friends all say to change the locks and get him out but I just can't for some reason. It's coming though, I no longer get that upset when he starts I just feel tired of his shit. Our first counselling session has been put back till the 7th because the counsellor needed to isolate. I'm hoping he says our relationship is unworkable and he can't help us so we have to split. My life is miserable.