A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

Hey everyone, I've posted on here and spoke to a few people on here before about a few things but I've name changed as I'm so embarrassed.
Dh and I split up for a year, we have 2 children together but were going through a difficult time. When we split i found out i was pregnant so informed him, we stayed separated for a while.
Dh has a son from a previous relationship before me. When I was about 20 weeks pregnant he informed me that he had been sleeping with ex who he has a child with. We are somehow back together although i am still heartbroken. I say anyone but her. Every weekend we have his son, every time he picks him up and drops him off it rips my heart apart, every phone call, text message, anything. Ive seen messages on his phone to her that he hadnt realised he left on there and it was obviously feelings and not just sex. My head cant cope with it all. I dont know what to do i feel exhausted by it all

@candlelightsatdawn Have you suggested incontinence wear to her - dress it up as something quite a lot of women use after childbirth. As she is neurodiverse, she may not see that as cruel, just practical.

I think she is a bit disconnected from her body. She may not feel pain or discomfort until it is massively acute. Would explain bedwetting, sitting in it, and not understanding an animal's pain.

From my previous post.. am i being unreasonable to say that he does not message her unless its about pick up/drop off and thats it, not to enter her home? What is reasonable requests if it was any of you in my shoes? I really am not sure what is reasonable and what is not anymore

For those whose DH/DP's insist on sleeping with their DC, the way I dealt with it was to make my DP feel personally inconvenienced, rather than me, as he wasn't bothered until then.

Initially, DSS used to start off in his own bed, then when he'd come into our room, DP used to allow him to climb in. I always felt really awkward about it, and said wasn't comfortable, but DP brushed it aside, and used to say it was fine.

Luckily DSS grew bigger very quickly (he has a poor diet and no exercise at either his DM's or with EXDP), so I was able to say there was not enough room in our bed, so DP had to join DSS in his bed, if he wanted to sleep in the same bed as him, as I wasn't getting out of mine.

EXDP did the getting out of bed to join his DSS thing TWICE before he decided it was too much hassle for him, meanwhile I had allowed my discomfort to go on for a year! From then on, he sent DSS back to his own bed without him. Maybe some of you could try similar?

@Embarrassednamechange111
Hi my DP is usually on good terms with his ex. He goes into her house, she let's him in and he has his own key (on mortgage together). They txt but it is DSD related stuff- I've seen the odd message when she texts when we are next to each other. I trust him. I'm not sure what I would do if he slept with her. I wouldn't want him to contact her other than on DSC related stuff and the less contact the better. The thing is you can ban him from going to her house, from speaking to her, from anything but if he wanted he would find a way around it. There must be this element of trust and I'm not sure if/ how it would be repaired in your case if he slept with someone you regularly see. But you have been separated so technically he didn't cheat on you, although it feels that way. What does he say about it?

@Vie8126 @StarryNight468 @Starseeking

A quick update. I'm here and DSD went into spare bedroom in her pyjamas with an army od squishmallows and fluffy unicorns and asked me to lay next to her. Then she started chatting and 'pinky promissed' she is going to be sleeping here and I will be sleeping with dad and as she seemed happy about it. The y they both went to bed together again 🙈

He must have had a chat with her to start the ball rolling. We didn't have a chat and they came back home late, and I came here just after 9pm so no time as early morning for us all tomorrow. See what tomorrow brings.

@Starseeking
I was thinking about that but just in a different form! DSD is tall and very skinny so similar to what you have done is out of the window hehe but I was thinking if DP's attitude won't change I will stop coming over when she is here during the week. I still would see them both at the weekends but just won't stay overnight. So basically if I can't sleep with him, I would prefer to sleep in my own bed rather than alone at his. I know how much he likes when we are all together so I know he wouldn't like it if was not with them that much. But it's one of my last port of calls should things not change.

Your idea of not staying overnight is a good one @Lena007. Until your DP feels thus impacting him, he won't make a permanent change. I am sure he will take the necessary steps once it means he no longer gets to enjoy having you stay over. It'll take strong will, but if you see it through, you should get to the other side ok.

In my own situation, we were able to get through the co-sleeping at 7 and were together for a further 5 years before the relationship collapsed. My take on why I accepted it for so long as that the wicked stepmother narrative is so pervasive in society, and no-one wants to be that, so we acquiesce to situations that in any other setting would be madness.

@StarryNight468 at home she gets yelled at and she's told me she hates being yelled at by her mum. Which I totally get but at our house we don't make a thing about it just change sheets, when it's spotted, she doesn't like us checking though so we have to sneak in but also won't tell us 😔. I'm not sure if which side is doing something wrong, it's happening at sleepovers at her cousins where she blamed her cousin and I'm out of my mind what's gonna happen with sleepovers with other girls. I suspect she will blame someone else, with no conscious (she said she doesn't feel bad for doing) . Which is concerning.

@SpaceshiptoMars sadly I think that's the next step. I think I probably have more of a problems other the inconstance pants than she does 🥴. It worries me she feels disconnected with her body, that maybe she's been abused or something - massive wild leap but here we are with absolutely no reason we can find so I'm going down rabbit holes.

Her mum says it's because she's lazy but honestly there's no pride, shame or vanity there, there's absolutely nothing. Which from a social perspective I suppose will make her resistant, emotionally you just can't touch her but either good or bad consequences ? Only thing I can do now if behaviour gets very bad is to cancel horse riding (which me and SD do exclusively alone as a shared hobby which I pay for)

I have quite v firm boundaries in place with her and she seems to like to know where parameters are and that has helped somewhat . The hands off approach seems to leave her foundering as if she doesn't know what's socially acceptable or not so have decided being that kid is ok. So im siting here waiting for the click but there's no click. I don't want her to be that child but man alive at end of rope.

We had to send her 3 times for a shower as she kept running the shower and not getting in it and washing her hair (coming out with bone dry hair each time) she will just lie even when you point this out, because of age and my position I can't just join her in there and make her do it. We would both be uncomfortable and it would go down like lead ballon with ex (rightly so)

Mums a bit disconnected from the world generally but nice but good on personal hygiene for herself. I can see why she's like I have tried everything nothing works.

Only thing that does spring to mind is she loves coming here apparently because of me (I don't know why 🥴) so DH has said he's going to speak to her and say look we have to tackle this or they will have to move our on contact days 😔 which doesn't solve the problem. I'm not over exaggerating when I say when she arrives the smell that comes off her makes me send her to have a shower, wash her clothes and generally do girly things with her because honestly she's in secondary school it's a beacon for getting picked on, people must and do comment (family members) her general attitude is unconcerned on a flatline level.

Sorry to rant ladies, we might have to get a bed wetting alarm which are expensive and not something I thought I would be getting for my teenage SD. It started off as a rant about that and got into the hygiene stuff which is normal for teenagers right ? Someone for the love of god tell me it's normal (don't worry I know it's not) problem is we can't control what goes down in that side of the camp (the yelling/disconnection) because I would be washing her clothes on such a hot wash and forcing her to use deodorant if she was my DD every day, it wouldn't be a negotiation. Her mum has give up somewhat and I can see why practically.

Also dislike being used as a carrot/stick approach by DH. Really firm works for her but not yelling. I haven't raised my voice once at SD and both parents are flabbergasted that she likes me still. She's incredibly jealous when my DD is home (contact split fairly evenly between me and ex) not of DH but of me and this makes me sad because I know my place and can't fill the void she's feeling. I think in a nutshell she needs someone very very hands on and has got a mum who tries but approach is somewhat hands off and in almost to late in the game to sand off certain elements or quirks (dog) in any effective way

@candlelightsatdawn

I think your DSD may have quite significant autism plus ADD - I'm not a psychiatrist, but there are several diagnosed cases in my wider family and this type of behaviour is not unfamiliar. The body disconnection is not necessarily due to abuse, it may be part and parcel of her neurodiversity.

So - things that are obvious and easy if you're neurotypical can be like climbing Everest without oxygen if you're not. And in reverse, things that NT people struggle with may be an absolute breeze for her. Incontinence pads, bedwetting alarms - no problem! Telling you that the bed is wet - utterly impossible!

Sensory issues may be in play alongside body disconnection. The feel of water may be unpleasant or frightening - dry shampoo? Changing her diet may make her smell better - lots of fruit and veg, less animal protein - although diet can be a huge battleground with these children.

Anyway, my take is you need some professional support here, to work out what is going on deep down. Sounds like you've scored a bullseye with the horse riding - brilliant.

@Vie8126

I was thinking about the next weekend when you have DSD. Could you plan it and take it at chunks? (Am/ lunch/ PM/ dinner / bed time)

Like Sat am DSD comes in and gets to know DS, she will be excited (hopefully) so could spend a little bit time with all of you, then lunch time, then you can go to your mum for the rest of the day (and possibly night?). Plan something for Sunday morning a few hrs, then lunch again, then you could take yourself for a coffee to a local Costa, shopping or for a walk/ small trip just you and DS? Maybe all of you could go for a walk if the weather is nice. Just a few ideas there. The full weekend sounds overwhelming but if you take it it chunks and plan it well it may actually not be that bad.

How is DSD with bedtime routine? You could just be in your bedroom with DS/ reading a book/ news/ being on Netflix and shut the door while her dad gets her to sleep

I would make sure there is a space at home only for you, like your comfort zone where you have everything you need and you can shut the door to be away from them both. I'm thinking along lines of your own bedroom or spare living room with TV, books and whatever else that can make you feel a little better

@Lena007 well at least DP said the right things even if he didn't follow it through. You say she sleeps in the 'spare room' is it decorated as her room? Could you proposition it with dsd to decorate the room to her taste a big girl room as she's growing up? Could be as simple as a lick of paint and some cheap accessories from B&M - if you could get involved in the shopping and choosing making it a big girls day out almost. She may then be more inclined to say she doesn't want DP sleeping with her. If not then yes absolutely be like well I will come over and spend time but I would like to stay at my own place wjrb my own comforts if you insist on sleeping in dsds room.

@Candlelightsatdawn I have no advice but you poor thing it sounds very tricky. Some great advice already given and routes to explore.

@Lena007 thank you xx yes I think that's what I will have to do she potentially will be here from 6.30 the Friday to 3pm Sunday (she might go earlier to spend time with mil so could be until midday) so in reality broken down it isn't a lot of time. Her bedtime routine isn't great but isn't awful she does go to bed when dp tells her she just has to have ipad and falls asleep watching stuff (no such thing as screen time limitations here due to dp) we tend to go to bed relatively early ourselves so she will be in bed by 8.30 latest. Saturday should be survivable in chunks as you say so breakfast and showers will be late morning then and then we could go out for a walk etc then back some chill time dinner and bed. Sunday if she goes to mil will literallt be up breakfast showers and she will be off. If his behaviour (dp) gets too much I can go and sit in our room take ds for a nap and lay with him. I used to spend a lot of time in my room watching TV napping when pregnant and she would come to stay out the way. I'm hoping we won't have a row. I'm not holding out much hope.

It’s super tricky. I have posted here because I think as wives of people who have other children I would get some kind of understanding..... but the situation has soo many more levels and sometimes I just need a hand hold.
When I met DH he didn’t have any other children. There was a situation prior to me with an ex that he was completely honest about right from the start. We made a life together and had children of our own. Whilst we have had our ups and downs we have always been solid and taken everything on as a team, together. Until turns out ex had had a child without him knowing and put up for adoption and many, many years later this child reaches out. Cue an absolute shit show of emotions on both sides. Whilst I have tried to support him, I have in fact been used as an emotional punching bag and me and our children have been totally abandoned... he absolutely cannot see this.
He had turned into someone I don’t recognise and now I am left with the realisation that there is and always will be a massive separation between us and there will always be a part of his life that doesn’t involve me or the kids. After so many years of building our perfect life together it is so hard to come to terms with.

Also should add that SC has no boundaries and is insanely jealous of his family and manipulates any situation they can with him.
When I point this out (in the most sensitive way possible) he flys off the handle.

@Walkingalone21 that's a very tricky situation, how old is the child? Feel free to rant away or whatever you need we all here to understand and hand hold whilst you navigate.

@Vie8126 thanks! I was thinking of decorating the room, it is a very nice bedroom but could do with some extras like a nice lampshade curtains girly cushions, fairy lights. I was thinking about ikea bu actually B&M is much closer and we could even do it tomorrow. I'm getting excited and I know DSD would love this idea too!

Ok so we did have a conversation last night. It didn't go that well. He didn't speak to DSD on Friday so whatever she said came from her.

I've started off saying that Ive noticed DSD feels very insecure, and that her having her own space/bedroom and bed time routine would help her. Also mentioned adult decision making, that it causes stress and anxiety in children when we allow them to do it and it would be good for DP to speak to DSD to ensure her he loves her and the fact I'm here isn't going to change it. DP too noticed that she feels insecure as she doesn't want to leave us alone at all for a minute too but didn't know what to do about it so asked me about some tips on how to speak to her.

He said he doesn't want to show me that much affection when she is here as he doesn't want to distress her. I've asked in which way it would make her distress if she saw he have cuddled for 2sec or give goodnight kiss. He didn't know what to say. I was asking how her seeing he is happy and loved by someone would make her feeling anxious? He took that on board and will think about it.

On DSD bedroom.....DP says she doesn't need her own bedroom as she is free to be and play anywhere in the flat and her stuff can be anywhere too, he isn't bothered. I've said it is not that we would want to limit her just to her own bedroom but she needs her own comfort zone without anyone there. And I've mentioned she could sleep there if she wanted too. And then the conversation went down the hill...

DP said he sleeps with DSD because HE WANTS TO and he isn't prepared to change a thing on that. He said he loves falling asleep and waking up next to her. And he is missing her when she isn't with him. And then he proceed to ask me if I want DSD to have her own bedroom here because I don't want him to sleep with her. I was trying to get him to see she is a big girl, she wants to sleep on her own and that also I'm not comfortable having to sleep in the spare bedroom as the normal for me is that adults sleep together and children usually in their own beds. I have said that if he isn't prepared to change a thing, to me, it means I might as well sleep in my own bed rather than the spare bedroom here. Then he got cross with me not wanting to spend time with them as it means I would not be here that much. He told me that am an adult and I should know better and understand how much he loves his daughter and that me sleeping in the spare room is okay. Wtf i have told him I thought it was just a temporary solution until she accepts the changes but he said that no, it is just the way it was meant to be all way long.
ah and he isn't going to be sleeping with her forever but he couldn't tell me at which point he would consider her to be too big to sleep with daddy.

We have discussed moving in together as finally we both are in a position of doing this and I've asked if we move in together will I be having a separate bedroom too (no bloody chance on me agreeing to this but I wanted to clarify that just in case). He thought about it for a few seconds and said that no, we will have our own bedroom and sometimes he will be going to DSD bedroom to sleep with her. I said that's OK with me and this environment is what I wanted to create here too.

I don't know. I was excited to take DSD shopping today and I thought he would like an idea of her having her own bedroom here but it seems he doesn't. I will let him to have a think about this all. He usually comes back with some afterthoughts a few days later. But there is a hope our moving in together would somewhat change dynamics on them both sleeping together.

DP said he sleeps with DSD because HE WANTS TO and he isn't prepared to change a thing on that. He said he loves falling asleep and waking up next to her. And he is missing her when she isn't with him.
@Lena007 this is a seriously fucked up attitude. Even if he was single it would be fucked up.
I'm not implying sexual abuse but loving falling asleep & waking up to an 8 year old s a very strange mindset for a grown man to have, especially a man who has a committed relationship & the fact that he can't see this is very worrying.
Aside from the strangeness of his viewpoint it is also not good for his dd to see herself supplanting her dad's partner in bed. I'm therapeutically trained & honestly that is setting her up for all sorts of separation & relational issues as she gets older.
I'm sorry but I would be out of that relationship as fast as I could move. No matter when he stops sleeping with her the current dynamic has him setting her up as a mini wife & I predict a very long few years for you as she moves through teen & young adulthood. Your dp by his actions is setting up a 'competition' for his attention between his partner & his daughter & I for one would want no part of that.

Yes @Lena007 I find that such an odd attitude of your dp. That is just not the natural order of things AT ALL. I'd be running for the hills as fast as my legs would carry me to be honest...

@harriethoyle @Magda72

Thank you. Im so confused and he is a bit off with me today keeping distance.

How do I speak to him about it if he thinks he isn't doing anything wrong and these feelings are normal when you love your child?

@Magda72 are you able to share anything or point me in the right direction to where to learn more about this fucked set up?

I have told him last night my and my DS(10) didn't sleep together unless he wasn't well or couldn't sleep which I think is reasonable. He then said that this is because I am a different persob, so is my DS and maybe this set up was working with us two. What worries me is that DSD has said to him 3 times (of which I know because I was there) that she wants to sleep in the other room and it looks like he insists on her sleeping with him to fulfil his needs which should be fulfilled by adult relationship. But how the hell do I tell him this? He told me I shouldn't be jealous be cause it is child.

What do I do now? Should I step back and start sleeping at mine when she is over? But is this even going to help? He would think I am not accepting her and that she is in his life - that's how he read when I told him we need some adult time only, just the two of us apart from a 'family' time. You see, he thinks I'm telling him to chose between me and DSD because I'm jelaous which absolutely isn't the case.

Should I put moving in together away until whatever?

I was telling him that it is natural in normal relationships that adults sleep together and kids in their own rooms and his reply was that we aren't in a 'normal' relationship because he doesn't see his child every day.
The said that we make love in this bed and then he sleeps with DSD there, doesn't he think it is awkward? He replied that we can stop having sex in this bed if I have a problem with that. I've said something along lines that I feel this relationship consists of us 3 instead of 2 and I thought he would fall off the bed at that point but I thought if nothing else works, this maybe will. And I don't think it did.

I wouldn't move in until this was sorted to your satisfaction @Lena007. I think it's such a significant mismatch in parenting and attitudes that it's bigger than just the sleeping arrangements issue if that makes sense? It's so important to be on the right page and right now, your DP isn't even reading from the same book...

Should I put moving in together away until whenever?

As you don't live together at the moment, you can leave at any time to go to your own place.

Imagine if you were living together, and had to watch this dynamic play out in front of your eyes? And you couldn't say anything about it because whatever you said you were accused of being jealous? The constant undermining would be a lot to manage, and would knock your self-esteem, however resilient you are.

The feeling that triggered me most when I was a DSM was the lack of control and sense of helplessness. Over time, EXDP made it clear that anything to do with his DS was his domain, but when we had our own DC, I couldn't ignore the disparity in treatment, despite the age difference.

If I were you at this stage @Lena007, I'd be taking a step back to observe what changes, if any, are made following your conversation. From what I've seen on MN and other forums, if your DP's DD is a mini-wife, it only gets worse as they go through the teenage years, unless the Dad halts it from developing further. Only you will know whether he's prepared to do that. If he's not, it doesn't bode well for the long-term success of your relationship.

@Lena007 yes definitely start sleeping at your place.

Children issue aside he is showing red flags with his reactions, anger and how he reacts to you bringing up concerns.

Put the brakes on it and reconsider the whole relationship.

@Lena007 as the others have said I would start sleeping at my own place now and not there until this madness stops. He isn't even taking what his dd may or may not want into consideration so he will never see your point. Give him some time, occasionally my DP doesn't agree with me at the time but clearly goes away and thinks about it as will come round to what I said. Not all the time but sometimes!

@Lena007 my honest advice would be to just date him and not move in or try to blend. I don't think your dp is going to be able to blend successfully and you will feel rejected on a regular basis which will build up resentment and bitterness.

@Vie8126 how did your weekend go?

My weekends been ok in some ways - I went out with my dc and my dm Saturday for a walk and dh did the same with dss. Dh then took my ds and dss out yesterday to a big park about 30mins drive away so me and dd watched a film and chilled out. Today he's off out again with dss so I've had a lot of space. It's been very nice and dss hasn't annoyed me as he hasn't been around much!

Me and dh are not ok though, he's been on the sofa for the last two nights. I've enjoyed having my bed to myself very muchly we're just hanging on for counselling.