A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@disconnecteddrifter What you're experiencing is absolutely classic deflection onto a SM in a blended family. Your partner is explicitly positioning you as the 'fall guy' for everything and anything that goes wrong with his children.

You have done nothing wrong. It's him and his ex that have failed to create a situation in which the children feel safe and secure with both parents. And where they have reasonable boundaries.

Have you read Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin? You should.

I've told my husband that we are not celebrating Father's Day this year. He has been an absolute nightmare of divorced dad guilt and projection this last year and he treated me appallingly on mothers' day (summary: he completely ignored it, so I had to organise my DS getting me a card from him and the baby; more than that, he acted like a wanker and organised a superdadding day trip for him and the SC while the rest of us stayed at home). So he can bugger off if he thinks that I'm acknowledging it, and particularly not in relation to his children from a previous relationship.

Frankly he should be grateful that I'm just ignoring fathers' day. Parity would be me making sure he's miserable and alone for it.

FishyFriday that's horrible! I'm so sorry he ignored mother's day.

@PurpleyBlue I wish he had just ignored it. He made it all about his special time with his priority children and was absolutely awful (in several ways). He came within millimetres of being twice divorced.

He's dismissing it all as just him 'forgetting' about it and me 'being weird about father's day'. 🙄

Tbh, I'm really hoping that chickenpox stops contact with his other kids this weekend. Although I'm willing to put money on it not and SD (who has never had chickenpox) turning up with spots that her mother 'didn't even know about' and/or SS having plenty of spots that haven't scabbed over yet (but she 'thought they had' because she wants the weekend off). 🙄

Ah, it's not chickenpox that's stopped contact. It's DSD having been asked to self isolate. The story my husband has been given by his ex related to this is very obviously absolute bullshit but it means 10 days without the stress of divorced dad parenting here.

Seriously, he's just argued with me because he seems unable to recognise that his ex just lies. Consistently.

The story (which includes actual racism and everything, because she's that kind of person) is that a boy in DSD's class has come into contact with someone who has tested positive for covid using a lateral flow test. That means the whole class have to self isolate for 10 days or until the boy returns a negative PCR test. But the boy is 'a gypsy' and, knowing that 'they' are like, he won't get a test (there's the promised racism 😩). And that means that DSD and her whole household have been instructed by the school to self isolate for 10 days.

The whole household (DSD, DSS, their mother and their stepfather) and the households of an entire KS1 class have been asked to self isolate because one boy in the class has come into contact with someone who has a positive covid LFT. 🤔 If that's how it worked, then the entire country would constantly be self isolating because they came into contact with someone who came into contact with someone with covid.

This is on top of DSS having chickenpox that requires antibiotics earlier in the week. But DSD who shares a room - and a towel because their mother can't be bothered to wash separate towels - with DSS and who hasn't had chickenpox is in no danger of coming down with it apparently.

Who knows what she's actually up to or done that has generated this particular tall tale. It's frustrating that he just believes her bullshit all the time, while questioning me about everything. And seeking to blame me for things (like arguing with me because he doesn't like that he can't get to see his kids this weekend).

Nonetheless, it means a weekend for me without the usual awful issues related to my husband's contact with his other children. So that's something.

That’s so not how it works, we all know that. The only person who has to isolate is the boy who has direct contact. Otherwise (as you say) the whole country would be constantly self isolating.

The comments re gypsy. And that’s what ‘they’ are like? No words.

What is it with some of these men constantly blaming their partners for the issues caused by their exes??? Pure displacement and venting of frustration on a person who has no control over the high conflict ex!

My exp used to do this to me. In the end (not proud of this moment) I bluntly told him if he had issues with how his life had turned out to stop placing the blame at my feet and to take a long hard look in the mirror at himself. Because he was the one who had chosen to marry and procreate with a total psycho. Not me. I then withdrew from contact with his children completely and shut down any conversations re his ex.

It’s horrible to be on the receiving end of this sort of behaviour and you have my intense sympathy.

@sassbott when I pointed out the hideous racism (and completely unnecessary racism) he got annoyed with me. It's ridiculous. He should be annoyed at his ex for making racist comments, and have stopped her when she started. Not listened to her and then relayed the racism to me, with a 'but ex knows the family a bit and what they're like'. 🙄

It wasn't me who decided to have two children with a casually racist woman (that's just indicative of what she's like not generally). That's on him. Nothing to do with me. Frankly, he should feel ashamed that she's got so much influence over the children they had.

Apparently he phoned the school who confirmed his ex's story. 🤔 I suspect what they actually told him was that a boy in the class (who clearly has a nice, socially responsible family) came into close contact with someone with covid so his parents used LFTs on all the asymptomatic household members and then informed the school that their 7 year old had tested positive. The school asked them to take him for a PCR and have instructed the class (not their entire households and everyone they've ever met) to isolate for 10 days unless the school receive confirmation of a negative PCR result.

That's a long way from the ex's bullshit. I suspect she was going for a 'blame the gypsies' main with a heavy side order of martyrdom for herself.

Not that racism is ever necessary. Obviously. It's clearly always bloody terrible.

I really meant that the boy's ethnic background is not in any way necessary to the information that DSD has been asked to self isolate by the school. That's the only information required really.

@FishyFriday and that's the only information the school should tell them even though it may be known due to gossiping amongst parents who the child is.

@RedMarauder Absolutely. Gossip, racism, bullshit, martyrdom. Why do I need to hear about any of it, even if he's willing to listen to this crap?

The really sad thing is that this is just indicative of a big issue in our not very well blended family: the absolutely shocking values his ex has, the influence of these values on the SC, and the knock on effects of this in our house.

I know it must be really depressing for my husband to put his hands up and admit that he had children with a truly horrible woman and that she had enormous influence over those children. But that is his cross to bear. And his problem to try to mitigate.

Can I join please.

I keep flipping from wanting to leave dh and the baggage he brings into my life with his ex drama to wanting to stay as our relationship minus the ex drama is the best relationship I've ever had.

My aunt gave me some good advice a couple of days ago when I was about to leave. She said concentrate on meeting your own needs, meet up with friends more and develop interests outside of dh as she thinks I've become quite dependent on dh to meet my needs and my own behaviours are becoming unhealthy in this dynamic. She also pointed out that before I became enmeshed with his drama I was the happiest she had ever known me and that his drama is his to work out in his head and not to involve me with it, but that until I had my own stuff going on I wouldn't be able to not get involved as my world has become quite small.

I've spoken with a few friends and arranged lunches and coffees in the near future. I'm going to have a think about things I'd like to do too - I've always wanted to join a netball team so I think I'm going to try that, although I feel quite scared at the thought!

Anyone else up for trying to meet their own needs and stepping back from the drama? or is everyone else quite sorted

Your aunt is a wise woman @StarryNight468.

It sounds like you are making good plans for you.

I am going to give a bit of thought to whether I am meeting my own needs today. Certainly since things with my husband took a blended family nosedive, I have been much more careful about my boundaries and ensuring that I do go out for lunch with friends etc.

@FishyFriday I'm also thinking about interests i can do at home that I will be emerged in so I don't care if dh is late because he's being a mug. I feel like if I can make myself happy regardless of what dh is doing or not doing then my overall self esteem will be better and I won't end up in pointless arguments with dh that only serve to push us further apart.

If you have any ideas that aren't - sewing/baking/gardening blabla for things to do at home then I'd be grateful and might pinch them for myself!

I do online Pilates classes at home.

If I weren't busy much of the time with the baby, I think I'd learn piano too.

I read some advice for stepfamilies once that suggested that, rather than all getting in line to greet the SC as they walk down the red carpet when they arrive (waving flags and such like), you should make sure that everyone is just getting on with doing things. That way the arrival is just ... ordinary rather than the start of a royal visit. It's what happens when resident children arrive home - you don't have everyone rush to the door to greet them when they come in from school; you say hi as you are just getting on with your daily life.

I'd imagine doing the same for a partner returning from visiting the prodigal children might be helpful. It's just an ordinary thing. Not something requiring a special briefing and press conference.

Ah we don't have that, dss comes in and finds my dc says hello, finds me and says hello and then plays with my ds and gets on with it. I don't have a dss problem and when I did I made me and dh get on the same page. I have a dh and boundaries with ex challenge thats too wrapped up in his need to make dss think he's the good guy and dss mum is the bad guy when in truth they're both equal in maintaining the ridiculous drama that effects dss.

Dss has such loyalty binds to his dm that he's almost too well behaved and doesn't join in with a lot (although there is manipulation and control issues). Dh won't see that and buries his head in the sand - but as awful as it sounds I've got to think its not my kid so its not my problem, its not anything to do with me where his parents are going wrong and how he will turn out. When i get upset and want to help dss thats where me and dh fall down as his defensiveness overwhelms him and baby mum is tied up with that defensiveness. I need to remove myself emotionally from it.

A big vote for the ordinary approach from me. Kids just want security above all don’t they, and being all fizzed up sets up silly expectations. One thing we had was ‘house resentment’ - so if I took my kids to the cinema, or had a meal out, or anything really, the DSDs would immediately insist that they had this too when they arrived. This is also quite exhausting! As they’d have had treats with their mum. There are so many potential problems with ‘blended’ households…

@StarryNight468 absolutely I like your aunts advice. Stepping back means there is more time with step kids to spend with their Dad without us too, which is a good thing. I did this a lot, it really helped. In the end unfortunately stepping back meant I also got ‘the blame’ for not giving DSDs enough attention, which led Ex DH to blame me for not being welcoming enough, and also blamed by his Ex wife for not being their convenient childminder… but I think once that starts to happen it’s the beginning of the end. Before that happens stepping back is really good, we as Step Mums are often blamed for being too involved and in a way, maybe we are at first.

Tbf @Bananasinpyjamas21 dh does spend a lot of one on one time with dss - they have a weekly afternoon/evening without me and my dc and I'm not heavily involved in looking dss - I don't have that mental load. I do nice things for him and with him but its my choice and there's nothing set in stone.

I need to step back from dh drama as I'm too emotionally involved with it. I don't quite know how I'm going to bite my tongue, but I'm sure I'll get there, I might start treating myself to something everytime I manage it!

[quote Bananasinpyjamas21]@StarryNight468 absolutely I like your aunts advice. Stepping back means there is more time with step kids to spend with their Dad without us too, which is a good thing. I did this a lot, it really helped. In the end unfortunately stepping back meant I also got ‘the blame’ for not giving DSDs enough attention, which led Ex DH to blame me for not being welcoming enough, and also blamed by his Ex wife for not being their convenient childminder… but I think once that starts to happen it’s the beginning of the end. Before that happens stepping back is really good, we as Step Mums are often blamed for being too involved and in a way, maybe we are at first.[/quote]
That sounds very familiar. It's very hard when you can't do right for doing wrong.

@StarryNight468 it does sound like you need to take yourself away from the drama. I was kind of trying to suggest that being busy with your stuff when he returns from his post-divorce soap opera is probably a good way to detach. You are making it clear that you're doing things for yourself and aren't free for him to try to draw you into the drama.

Another Father's Day weekend and not even a card from school made... anyone else feeling deflated for their OH's today?

I wouldn't mind but she leaves ours before Mother's Day with a card and a present chosen by her. DH & ex get on ok both remarried and DH bends over backwards so she can get to her clubs etc when ex is working.

Find it so disappointing 😔

Naturally I will sign DH card and gift from both children but our DD is too young. His DD is 8 and knows better.

@dorris88 do they do them at school any more? I thought they might have stopped doing mothers/fathers day.

It is disappointing I know.

Maybe your DH should stop with the mothers' day cards and gifts in future.

@FishyFriday

Maybe your DH should stop with the mothers' day cards and gifts in future.

How will that help? It just makes it tit for tat.

I get it @dorris88, having tried to make up for it for my bloke for years, especially when it’s also his birthday - same day this year as it’s often been - it used to make me incredibly sad. Fortunately it changed when they grew up and the cards and presents have already begun to arrive. I also know that they have a somewhat jaundiced view of their mother as a result.