A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

🤗

Can I join in for a bit of support and a pep talk?

It’s my partners birthday today, I’d asked his child what they’d like to buy him for his birthday (8 years old so can’t do it themselves) and they said nothing. I asked again another couple of times and the answers were “nothing” “I don’t know” and “I’m not bothered”.

My partner expects a gift from his child as that’s what his ex used to do so I bought him something I knew he wanted.

I popped downstairs to set up some surprises and as I’ve come back they’ve been on FaceTime and I could hear her lying to him saying that she wanted to get him something else and that I wouldn’t let her.

I’m so upset and I know I should be able to brush it off but it’s the latest in a long line of shitty events and behaviour.

Also frustrated because whilst I’m downstairs setting things up for a wonderful day, thinking he’s still asleep, they’re on FaceTime and she’s lying and acting as if she’s an angel and I’m a wicked stepmother.

I just don’t know if I can take this much longer.

Sorry been struggling with a newborn!

@Rainyx that sounds so awful for you and your DC I really feel for you. I wouldn't be able to cope it's so hard for us SMs esp when your own DC start noticing the difference in treatment and breaks to the rules. Must be even tougher for you as they are all so little my dsd is little and mine (other than new baby!) are all teens so a little easier for me to explain.

@Round203 I would explain to DP what challenges you had regarding the present with dsd or I would have to interrupt and say no that's not what happened is it. Its shitty isn't it as makes you feel like a second class citizen and then you start dreading the visits because of the bahviour things being said and then resentment towards the child creeps in and then it's just hell.

@StarryNight468 how are things??

Here DSD should be on holiday and not coming to us until September 11th but I have a funny feeling she didn't go on holiday. We have no way of finding out. I know DP will text his stepfather (he is the go between) this week to see if she is coming bank hol weekend and I have a feeling she will be. What is frustrating me is DP hasn't taken any pat or annual leave and I've been left to get on with it with baby and teenagers which is fine but I'm now exhausted. His been working 7 days a week as we need the additional money to live, pay solicitors bills for divorce etc. But the moment dsd comes he won't work. It's a bit of a catch 22 as I obviously don't want to be providing the childcare but I just feel so resentful that as soon as she turns up he will gladly have the whole weekend off to be around but not in general for me and baby. Her mother has caused no end up of problems with divorce and the first financial hearing ended up being postponed as she changed solicitors two weeks before and refused to file her paperwork as didn't have it as old solicitors were refusing to provide her file as she couldn't pay the bill. She's going after our home and wants to move back into it also tough. It was the fmh but not jointly owned and she only lived in it for a year however apparently that means jack shit these days! I understand him working it's just playong on my mind and I know I'll end up blowing up at him that I'm struggling to get out and sleep deprived and feel like once again she's being out above my needs.

@Vie8126 how horrible not knowing if you'll be living there or not long term especially with a baby. I hope you and baby are doing well 💕

We were supposed to have our first counselling session Tuesday but the counsellor has a member of the household covid + so we're going to wait another week. The counsellor wants us both to think about what brings us to counselling and I have no idea how to say - I have felt completely rejected from you since we married and your sons behaviour changed. I feel pushed out and every little rejection I notice now and it hurts. Your son is jealous of me and his feelings are getting worse and not better and instead of supporting me you project on to me that I'm the bad one. You don't support me when he lies about me and you don't appreciate what I deal with and do and all I really want is for you to deal with the problems in your son instead of pandering so we can all be happier as right now I'm a seething ball of resentment towards him and you - without dh becoming defensive, calling me childish and turning it round on me.

@Round203 argh I hate the lies!! Call them out on it every single time!

@StarryNight468 this is great advice. I feel this one so relatable for me!

My other half has a very unconventional child care set up and it's taken it's toll on me more so in the last 6 months.

So thank you 😊

@StarryNight468 I think you should say exactly that - there's no point going to counselling unless you're completely honest. It's a bit brutal at times but it can be really worth it. Good luck!

@StarryNight468 I think you've articulated it wonderfully above! Perhaps alter some of the words so it sounds more diplomatic if you don't think you can say that as it is??

Update here from me (and likely goodbye to the thread) my dp has now said he never wants to live together, always wants to live just pt with his kids until they move out (if they do), won't ever leave his house (which is too small for all of us), but in no uncertain terms will never live with me - because his child free time he likes to spend alone mostly but does want us to be a couple, just live apart.
Previous to this conversation he did his seemingly pacifying but empty announcement to tell his dc about me after I recounted a dream where I was invisible. I called him out on it this time and the cards were laid out on the table finally.
I tried to establish if he was doing the cowardly thing of putting up so much of a wall that I'd leave him but he said no, I told him I feel like a hobby but again he denied that.
So now I'm not sure what to do, he's pulling every last thread of every last string and I'm getting crumbs that he occasionally gives me twice a month but our time together is so wonderful and funny and loving.
In any case, is there any point in the dc knowing about us now?? I feel a sort of shame over the situation so don't really think I'd want anyone to know if it were to carry on 😞

@frankiefirstyear really sorry to heat that - no fear of shame or judgment here! We're not AIBU

Sounds like you need to take some time to decide if this is what you want. It wouldn't be enough for me but each to their own. I guess my fear is, without wanting to sound rude, is that he's treating you like a place holder and he'll skip off into the sunset with someone else in a few years and you'll be heartbroken. Make sure you put yourself first and don't accept crumbs... good luck!

Please can I join for a handhold?

Had a discussion with DP a few weeks ago about marriage, and he's gone from saying it'll be a long time until he's ready for marriage again to saying he categorically never wants to. He says he's no less committed to me.

Last thing I want to do is drag anyone down the isle, but I told him I can't be acting like I have for the last 12 months since I moved in, like a wife to him and a parent to his children. I thought we we're working towards building a family.

I've just felt very differently since. Both children are having behavioral/attitude issues, he disappears working a lot (although on-site - the kids could go with him but mostly chose to stay with me) and although he says he doesn't expect me to parent them, I obviously end up doing by default of being the only one available. I just can't face it like I was doing, I've started finding excuses to not be here as much, although that leads to me having lots of time hanging around coffee shops, going to the gym etc. when I'd rather be at home. It's not fair on the kids, especially the older one who's noticed I've stepped right back, but I can't seem to shake how differently I now feel because of this.

I guess I'm struggling to decide if I can get over it and sacrifice ever being married for everything that's good in the relationship (and there is a lot of good or I wouldn't be here). Or if I'll just become more and more resentful and the fairest thing to do is to end it now

Thanks - I need to say about dealing with his sons problems and not pandering in a different way as he has tried in some ways. He just isn't consistent and doesn't see how hard it is for me. I know that sounds me me me.

@frankiefirstyear I know it doesn't feel like it now but you've had a lucky escape. Don't settle for crumbs. Your future DH won't want to keep you a secret. I love my dh but I'd 100% have not got involved with him if I knew what I know now.

@StarryNight468 could you say 'we need to agree and be solid and consistent with a constructive solution to dss issues'

Thank you, you're absolutely right, at first he was all for telling people but one of his dc became upset about him having a gf after hearing is on a call so since then he has backtracked massively. He's told his mates about us but again it still feels like I'm a hobby and not a commitment or priority.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies

Please can I join for a handhold?

Had a discussion with DP a few weeks ago about marriage, and he's gone from saying it'll be a long time until he's ready for marriage again to saying he categorically never wants to. He says he's no less committed to me.

Last thing I want to do is drag anyone down the isle, but I told him I can't be acting like I have for the last 12 months since I moved in, like a wife to him and a parent to his children. I thought we we're working towards building a family.

I've just felt very differently since. Both children are having behavioral/attitude issues, he disappears working a lot (although on-site - the kids could go with him but mostly chose to stay with me) and although he says he doesn't expect me to parent them, I obviously end up doing by default of being the only one available. I just can't face it like I was doing, I've started finding excuses to not be here as much, although that leads to me having lots of time hanging around coffee shops, going to the gym etc. when I'd rather be at home. It's not fair on the kids, especially the older one who's noticed I've stepped right back, but I can't seem to shake how differently I now feel because of this.

I guess I'm struggling to decide if I can get over it and sacrifice ever being married for everything that's good in the relationship (and there is a lot of good or I wouldn't be here). Or if I'll just become more and more resentful and the fairest thing to do is to end it now

Hi twobullets

All I can say is it's so normal to feel feelings of guilt towards the push pull situation of SC, heck it's normal to have guilt re your own kids and needing your own space. Please don't beat yourself up to much about it.

If you have been in this board a lot you will see a lot of SM getting a lot of slack for taking on parental roles but having no teeth to correct bad behaviour and that being detrimental to not only their marriages but their mental health because tock and hard place. It's not sustainable in the long term. You need to address this with him now, early on, he may say oh you don't have to but actually the situation is what it is and although you don't have to, you are and you need it crystal clear in everyone's heads.

If the kids have two parents it's up to the parents to parent then, don't feel guilty about plugging holes that aren't created by you. Do fun stuff with the SC but the drudgery- return that to sender in terms of DP, otherwise it will go from favour to expectation.

I would also be leery about doing all the wifely duties and having none of the protection of marriage (financially and otherwise), some people are ok not to get married but it's a big thing to give up if it's important to you.

I think judge Judy once said her husband had said he wasn't fussed about getting married so she told him then she wasn't going to be doing all the work with non of the security and told him to bugger off and he quickly changed his tune and got married. It's not romantic view point but it's is practical. Think of wills, if your paying towards a Mortage you have no legal grounds over, don't think of when it's all sunny and flowers. Think worst case and plan.

It really actually depends on if you have more to lose if the relationship breaks down, aka your SAHM and hasn't worked for a few years and suddenly DP says nope bye you have 0 security net legally speaking. That sounds really awful and unromantic but it's a legal document for a reason. You can dress it up in flowers but if he doesn't want to make the legal commitment, then I would be acting accordingly aka don't put all your financial eggs in one basket.

A lot of SP make their needs and wants smaller to accommodate and eventually resentment drips in. Try to avoid where possible and be aware if your feeling guilty who and why you are before you act on reflex xxx

@Round203

Children lie, it's normal, but the lies tend to have worse consequences for others when the nuclear family gets disrupted. This is a good site, it describes techniques that teachers of children with special needs use to get results (keep scrolling down):

ww.parents.com/kids/development/behavioral/age-by-age-guide-to-lying/

Thanks Candlelights,

Strictly from a financial point of view, I'm much better off with him that without. I contribute to expenses but am living in his mortgage free house, and renting my old house out. I'm enabled to put money away into my own savings that I wouldn't otherwise be able to afford. And my house is always still there if it all breaks down, so I'll not end up destitute whatever happens. I'll make sure I always have the option to leave, if I want to.

But I think marriage is more important to me from a romantic POV, I want to be his wife, not his forever girlfriend. I want us to be a family, and share the same last name. Old fashioned I suppose.

I'm not going to lie that I'm also hurt that he married his ex-wife, who is, objectively and from anyone's unbiased perspective, not a very nice person. I'd give him and the kids anything and everything, and yet he doesn't see fit to marry me. I don't get 100% of him, so he doesn't get 100% of me.

I've started to pass the drudge-work of parenting back onto him - but I'm not sure if its how I want to live anyway - always slightly separate and tit-for-tat.

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies don't give up on what you want- either way you'll feel resentful and it won't work. I personally know I wouldn't feel happy, I'd feel that dp didn't love me and that rejection would grow inside me.

On the flip side my dm has been with her partner for 10+ years. She's been married twice and he's been married once before. He won't get married again and was very clear on that from the start. They have a really lovely relationship and my dm is looked after in his will/life insurance. Me and my siblings and his two dc plus my dc and his gdc are all treated monetary the same when it comes to birthdays ect and we all get along OK but fairly seperate. My dm does big Sunday dinners and bbqs a few times a year where we all get together but the majority of the time it's pretty seperate. My step dad is really lovely to me, when I was single he would come over and cut my grass, sort things out that went wrong on my car. My dm spent 5 years building a relationship with stepdads dd, it was hard going for her and she bit her tongue a lot. They both say that if they had met before we were all adults and living independently it wouldn't have worked. Sorry I've gone on a bit what I mean is, it can work well not being married but if you want marriage and babies then it probably won't, and for the majority of us it won't get better until dc are all grown up

@TwoBulletsFiveZombies what @StarryNight468 has put is really accurate.

I totally get the romantic side and there's nothing wrong in wanting to be traditional, although I'm not romantic (you might have guessed from my post) my sister is and I totally get the appeal I'm just a bit gun shy. I think it becomes less tit for tat when clear boundaries are there and none of the assumptions and then perceived let downs of you know what I mean. If your singing off same hymn sheet then everyone's aligned (ish as with any blended family)

I'm glad financially your secure. Keep it that way if you can, we see to many people get slammed on here because they couldn't foresee something hideous happening and hindsight has 20/20 vision right.

I can relate to your partner tbh. I got burned badly by a ex and it's taken years to come around to even tolerate the thought of that heartbreak again. You have my sympathies re the ex. No advice but I know others will have better input for you ❤️ just be kind to yourself !

Thanks @StarryNight468 and @candlelightsatdawn.

At the moment I feel rejected and blindsided - I think I need a bit of time, in combination with continuing to step back a bit and see how I feel a month or so down the line, if it's something I think I can live without.

I do believe that he's committed and that he loves me. His divorce was as messy as they come, so I can see why he's reluctant. He says he couldn't go through it again. My best friend said she'd never get re-married after her divorce, and now a few years down the line with her new partner, she's started to consider the idea.

Interestingly, he's not averse to the idea of having a child together, but I'd be concerned about not having the legal protection of marriage, plus complications about who's surname would we use etc. (I'd not want a different surname than my child indefinitely..)

Can I join please?

I have 2 primary school age DSC as well as a 6month old baby and my DSC mum has just decided she doesn't want them back at hers until next month. This is the second time she's done this in the last 6 weeks. DP is working this week as he wasn't ment to have DSC but their mum knows I'm on maternity leave so doesn't care.

Baby doesn't sleep and I'm so bloody tired.

So I think that’s it.
I took my wedding ring off tonight and we are sleeping in separate rooms. Been with DH longer than I have been without him. But I can’t do this any more. Isn’t it shit when you love someone but know you have to leave. I just want to go and curl up with my babies and hug them right but they are old enough to know that something is wrong. Instead I am sorting a life time of clothes and clutter incase I’m not strong enough tomorrow.

@NightOwl19 I feel for you with the exhaustion I have a 3 week old that isn't sleeping! I don't know what to suggest, what did your DP say to their mum about having them as surely if he is at work it isn't for you to provide childcare when you have 3 children Inc a small baby?

@Walkingalone21 I'm so sorry sending you hugs xxx

@Walkingalone21 I hope you're ok? Is it completely over? Post here for support as much as you need too ((hugs))

@NightOwl19 can you and baby go and stay with your mum for a week?

@Vie8126 how you guys doing?

Walkingalone21 I hope your okay

Vie8126 she just ignores any contact from him, last time one of their DC had to be taken to hospital for a medical problem and he tried to let her know and she just ignored everything and a few days later replied with a thumbs up. He has told her she needs to arrange something for his working days and she said she will see. It's so frustrating, their good kids but I have things I need to get done this week which isn't easy having to drag them along and we have issues with one of their behaviours for me.

@StarryNight468 how are you doing?? We had a huge row on Monday over dsd everything has been so good and then boom it starts. DP has been working 7 days a week since DS was born 3 weeks ago has done 2 night feeds and won't even watch him whilst I shower if he is wfh (I get vie I am wfh not off I have work to do go about your day like I am not here) which is fine I get it we need the money, I'm on mat leave, things are going to be tight I don't have an issue with him working.

Then Monday after a particularly tough night he said when dsd comes they are the weekends I won't work and them weeks I will work later but if her DM doesn't let her or she's on holiday I will work still at weekend. I just saw red tbh I'm exhausted and needed him to be home and to help but understood we needed the money but now he is going to not work every other weekend. What does that mean when our DS is older and being told daddy's at work and can't do this or that witj him but then ds sees that daddy is off and readily available for dsd. I jusy didnt feel it was fair and made me feel like shit and bottom of the pile again. This is how it's always going to be isn't it. He managed to turn it into me having a problem with dsd again and said he is home every evening with me and baby so why am I moaning he doesn't see dsd apart from EOW. He doesn't see that the disparity in how he approaches things is the issue. He wants me to drag ds out to drop him at the station so he doesn't have to walk from next week was like well that means ds and I will be starting our day at 4am he feeds then and takes until 4.30 4.45 to settle him again and he needs to leave the house at 5.15 so will be get ds in his car seat and go. Its a 20 min return trip so then by time I get back will be time to get my dd up and to the station so she can get the train to secondary school. Don't really feel that's fair when he won't have any time of for us or to help us. I've been using our ipad for ds white noise and his told me I'm not allowed when dsd is here and will have to use my phone as she uses the ipad to watch YouTube to fall asleep to so he would like me to not use it now so I'm not reliant on it. I'm so exhausted I don't know if it is me creating over nothing or if he is being unfair.

He is being really unfair @Vie8126 and I'm not surprised you're exhausted. The first thing I would be putting my foot down is the idea of a 5.15am lift! What a pillock... and he can buy another tablet so both of his children can use them to fall asleep. He should be ashamed of himself

@harriethoyle the whole lift to the station thing is another sore point as when he was with dsd mum he bought her a car so they didn't have to car share as it wasn't fair to drag dsd out early hours of the morning and she had an older ds she had to walk to local primary. He gave her the car when they split signed it over to her. We are still paying the finance for her car. Therefore we cannot have a second car. Have said how comes it wasn't fair for dsd or ex wife but is 3xpected of me with ds. We even discussed this before ds was here and he said he would make his own way walk if he had to, get a bike etc but that hasn't happened. Apparently just because he isn't up holding a bottle in ds mouth he is still awake during night feeds and then doing a full day's work. Funny as I def see and hear him snoring 🙄