A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@NightOwl19 I've started Nacho-ing. There's a fb support group and website. There's also an academy teaching Nacho-ing (nacho kid nacho problem) but I don't feel I need to join that.

I've come to the realisation that I won't be happy in my marriage otherwise. The only thing I haven't nacho'd is bedtime and dh is sticking to it finally.

[quote Starrynight468]@NightOwl19 I've started Nacho-ing. There's a fb support group and website. There's also an academy teaching Nacho-ing (nacho kid nacho problem) but I don't feel I need to join that.

I've come to the realisation that I won't be happy in my marriage otherwise. The only thing I haven't nacho'd is bedtime and dh is sticking to it finally.[/quote]
Do you have the link to the website by any chance?

She's either really sweet because she wants something or speaks to me like s**t and eye rolls. It's at that point I want to avoid being around her but I know that will cause major problems with DP

How is everyone doing??

We have had dsd drama again with regards to contact. Still not seen her or being allowed the (court ordered) contact she is so high conflict in laws do arrangements and handovers. She was so awful to mil that her other half does it. He has been sucked in by her and takes her side on things and has started being incredibly abusive to my dp in regards to arrangements. So this time she wouldn't tell him if we was having dsd until Friday as she 'hadn't decided' dp said it's not good enough nor is that what the court order says. Mils partner then replies well court orders aren't worth the paper their written on noone follows them. Dp replied saying if she couldn't decide if we would be having dsd by 8pm on a Monday the weeks she is meant to come going forward then we wouldn't be having her the contact is court ordered and shouldn't be up for discussion or anything to decide. Mils partner sent a load of abusive to dp about how he claims he cares about his dd but clearly with an attitude like that he doesn't and that dd should be coming first to him. DP tried to explain that we cannot make plans for the other children in the family in the current world of pre booking with being told so late in the day so he stuck to his earlier statement. Mils dp then sent a further stream of abuse aimed at dp and me. Dp said to him to inform dds mum we wouldn't be waiting until Friday and therefore would not be having her until we are able to go navk to court for a reinforcement order and to change the contact arrangements to cut him and mil out of the handovers. My question is, where do we go from here she is such high conflict I don't really want to have to deal with her I don't want dp to have to deal with her I honestly think it would finish us off. As it is over the last few weeks I've had malicious accusations made to social services about my new baby and phone calls impersonating professional services. The drama around it all is constant and damaging my mental health and its not even my issue how do I step back and what do we do with regards to arranging contact and picks ups/drop off with someone so high conflict who is ripping our family apart.

what do we do with regards to arranging contact and picks ups/drop off with someone so high conflict who is ripping our family apart.

Pay a neutral person to do this? A trained social worker?

If you're going back to court can pick ups be from school and then returned to school - then no need for conflict at handovers or around handovers.

And don't become emotionally involved in any of it, step back and concentrate on something nice in your life. Is dp able to grey rock the conflict?

@SpaceshiptoMars ah okay, I don't know the options I have a good relationship with my exh and we navigate Co parenting really well in comparison. Our DC are older with our youngest being almost 13 but even when they was all small it wasn't this level of conflict so not sure what options there are! Would a court agree to a contact centre?

@SnowWhitesSM neither of us could yet o dsd school in time for either Friday pick up or Monday start, I'm on mat leave but returning to work and have 2 children in different schools, a baby with a childminder and I work in a different school myself and we only have one car. DP is in the process of divorcing her but she's dragging out the financials so we're a bit tight on finances and not in a position to gry a second car as yet (dp still paying for the ex wife's car until the finances are settled)

I've seen on American step parenting sites that some have handovers in police station car parks written in their version of court orders!

@SnowWhitesSM oh wow really, I feel like that's what is needed here 😂

@SnowWhitesSM

I've seen on American step parenting sites that some have handovers in police station car parks written in their version of court orders!

They prefer more friendly places here as to not to scare the children.

Luckily in the UK there are lots of CCTV cameras in public places.

Do any of you physically meet up - could really do with some support over a cup of coffee?!

Hi ladies

Today we tell the sdcs im pregnant. I'm very nervous.
They have been told that their dad won't love them as much if I had one, and that I won't love them if I have my own.

I think one will be fine.
Its going to be when they go back to their mums I'm going to be very anxious at what's being said to them.

Anyone been through this?
It should be such a lovely time. My friend in the same situation is amicable and it was lovely and exciting. I wish it was us but we are left with the worry of what the poor kids will be told after, seeing as they've been told such awful things before the situation even happened!

Welcome @Lovebug06 and congratulations!
Yes I’ve been through telling the step children that I was pregnant, a few years ago now! I have to say they were all quite excited! Well the oldest daughter was not, but that’s another story. Their mother, I thought would be awful, but was OK (until the baby was born, and then I was expected to be unpaid childminder for her when she was supposed to have her own kids). So you never know. I think prepare yourself and don’t have high expectations. For me, it was one of the main times that family felt a bit united as steps, there was a ‘middle’ neutral person, the baby, to focus on that we all felt connected to.

@Bananasinpyjamas21 it went very well I'm happy to say.
DH has told their dm, no response but he has told her the sdcs are happy and he hopes she can be positive and keep aside their differences and be supportive of the children in this. Bit more detailed than that but don't want to say too much.
We didn't want them to have to tell her and see her reaction.
So I guess we shall wait and see what happens.
Really hoping she does the right thing. Or otherwise just doesn't say much. Just as long as its not negative and will make them feel bad about it.

@Lovebug06 There might be resentment, not plain sailing, however it is quite hard for someone to be so obviously horrible about or to an essentially innocent child (unborn at the moment). Someone on these threads once had some great advice - you need to ‘centre’ your energies pretty ruthlessly around your child and your household. Do not get drawn into provocative attacks from outside - or do your best to shield, rather than engage.

@Vie8126 to echo a PP think about public places with CCTV that you could go to - a big supermarket foyer, a leisure centre or swimming pool etc. Police stations are possible but quite unpleasant for the child although equally might focus the ex's mind...

@Lovebug06 I'm so glad it went well I hope it continues. We haven't seen dsd now since ds was born a series of lane excuses that boil down to her not wanting dsd to meet her brother. He is now 11 weeks old and we're having to enforce the CAO to get the access my dp has ordered. We dread to thibk what vile stuff the ex has been telling dad.

@Harriethoyle thabk you his thinking petrol station and dsd as she's 6 nearly can just go car to car? Always people around and they obviously have cameras.

@Vie8126 make sure it is a petrol station with parking spaces for people who are there to just do shopping and it has clearly defined walk ways. Otherwise as isn't safe for a 6 year old to walk between cars especially as some drivers really do not look around them.

@redmarauder we have one with a mini supermarket attached in mind - several of them in the local area so hopefully one will be agreed. Just have to see I guess. Its outside of our control will be whatever the judge grants on the day but he has ideas and back up ideas then further back up ideas lol

@Vie8126 good.

@Jeri2021

Do any of you physically meet up - could really do with some support over a cup of coffee?!

Are you okay?

I've been following the advice on here to just take a step back, defer the DSC back to their Dad whenever they ask me for things. It's worked to some extent but even though it's been a few weeks they still automatically all walk past dad to come to me. I think I might start being out abit more.

@harryclr

Hi Ladies,

I need some help here as I'm really struggling. We've had a lot of stressful things going on in our lives recently, from deaths to house sales falling through to car accidents and I am 28 weeks pregnant with my 2nd baby. Our babies will only be 18months apart which is really frightening me...I am worried / anxious about so many things and I have been finding my partner having a child much, much harder recently. His spreading himself thin already and I am already anticipating how I'm going to feel when baby girl arrives. We have been arguing a lot about time spent with SD, my behaviour when around then both, my feelings/needs being dismissed by him, him always getting defensive, me feeling as though he doesnt give a shit about this pregnancy (he NEVER asks how I am or how the baby is). I know we are both really stressed for various reasons but some things have been said that I cant forget and if im being totally honest with myself, I dont think he truely loves me.

To top it all off, SD BM has tried to commit suicide for the 2nd time in 2 years (she did when I had my first baby) and we had a huge argument again tonight. Its all so shitty and stressful, i've been having panic attacks and crying every day because I'm scared about what the future holds and now I'm even more scared that one day she might actually go through with it and I'll be expected to be so much more than what I signed up for / an capable of. I just want to be a good mum to my 2 children. I dont really know what I'm asking for here...I'm just struggling and dont want a life of unhappiness and feeling so far down the list but I also dont want my children being bought up in a broken home...I feel as though for me it can be partly down to exhaustion and hormones but my partner doesn't have that excuse...

I can't believe what I have just read. Firstly this sounds absolutely horrific and I'm so sorry for you. I echoing another poster when they say that you need to get support and if that can't be DH right now (this is blackmail of the highest level so I'm not sure I feel to harshly on him), you need support from another source, councillor is a good place to start or maybe worth joining a Antnal group for this pregnancy.. women can be a great source of support esp with new baby although I know this isn't always the rule but women can be a get source of support. What I'm saying is you can't pour from a empty cup.

Xxx

Hi everyone, been a long while since I posted so just the brief story -
My dc preschool age
His dc aged between 12-6
His children heard us on the phone and became very upset about him having a gf so we had a blip for a few days, since then been a secret.
On my side I have an abusive ex so happy to keep a secret to avoid conflict there.
We don't want to live together/marry etc but do want to increase our time together which means it's time for children (and ex's) to know so we can have dinners/days out together.
Please share any advice to make the transition as seamless as possible and if anyone has been through the trauma of telling an abusive ex I'd love some pointers also 🙏

@frankiefirstyear frankie welcome to the fiery parts of hell.

Now others will disagree with me but here's some things I have learned as a SM (and some as a mum)

1. Step parenting is hard. It's especially hard if your new partners ex is a looper. How reasonable is she ? Does she appear with the kids ? How's her relationship with DP ? She will impact your quality of life if things get serious and she's a nut. The ideal DM is one that's completely impartial re what DH does re kids on his time (I'm not talking so relax that he can put the kids in a cage every contact weekend) friendly but respectful

1. You will get flamed alive on anywhere bar this post for calling yourself a step mum unless married. It's some weird social conversation that people like to hit new step parents asking for advice on this board. Also never ever call the kids DM - bio mum. Also this post is filled with step mums so you won't get judgement here or nasty comments if your having a tricky day but post on the main board at your peril (I wish I was kidding)

1. Step parenting is easier if you have kids to keep the houses separate and then you can avoid any pit falls such as difference in parenting styles and his rules vs yours. Trust me this one is hideous

1. Read up on Disney dadding and look out for the signs. If your DP is a Disney dad your going to have a rough ride as it stems from guilt and is a MF to break.

1. Like with mum life, step mum life comes with a higher bar to achieve "what a good mum/step mum" is than dad/stepdads. Stepmums seem to need to live sc as their own but never step over the line into parental responsibilities (unless that's childcare and then you are required when ordered). Step mumming is like swimming in shark infested waters with blindfold and hands tied behind back. It's not for the faint hearted.

1. I'm not making this sound fun here but honestly I wish someone had warned me. Aim for to be a trusted adult in DSC lives in whichever guise they would like to take you on. Remember some kids will not like you being there because their dreams of the first family reuniting are dashed. If the ex is unreasonable she will also hold it against you. Watch what your DP does if this happens.

1. If in doubt step back. Hard of you see the parents make what you feel fundamental mistakes but do not try and step in and carry the load for them. You do not have to make up for whatever disfunction is going down on that house. You can offer advice but don't let DP shift his parental responsibility to you.

1. If you have issues maintaining healthy boundaries, make sure they are enforced and nailed before entering into a serious relationship with a person with kids. These will be tested.

1. If your DP tends to like to keep the peace at any cost - run because it will honestly mean that your life maybe dictated to you in weird and wonderful ways.

As I said this all sounds very gloomy and I actually rather like being a step parent, but honestly if I had known I would have gone so much slower and had strong boundaries up from the get go.

Your DP is critical to making your life as a step parent easy or hell on earth. A lot of problems people post re SC/ the ex are actually a DP problem. Mine is great but we have encountered some batshitty just because of nature of blended families.

To blend or not to blend, I would advise minimal blending personally for your own sanity this may mean not living together until kids have flown the coope.

Also re abuse @frankiefirstyear have a read of "the gift of fear" by gavin debeck.

I work with DV pro Bono abs it's something I highly recommend in terms of reading. Essentially go NC with ex. No matter what he does ignore ignore ignore.