A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

We've got the annual father's day drama coming up here :( they forgot last year.

I'm struggling. Dsds mother has struggled with my relationship for the last 6 years. The mum has been to counselling and realised that she gives off bad vibes about us but it's too late. 8 and 10 year old still come over every day but don't want to sleep over. Say its to scary.
Partner blames me says I should be more welcoming which I am more so than to my own kids.
Relationship is breaking up because of it

@disconnecteddrifter your partner is a dick.

It is on him for not setting boundaries with his ex that his children don't feel happy staying over. It is nothing to do with you as you aren't their parents.

His ex now realises - probably because she finally wants to move on - that she has also caused problems, but it still doesn't stop your partner still being a dick.

Really? He said it's because I have asked her to not wake me multiple times a night when I get uo at 6. He sleeps with her when she does stay now but still she doesn't want to stay. I should be asking her as shoild my kids daily to make her feel special. But my kids don't feel comfortable doing that as they think they wouldnt like to be under that much pressure if they were her. So now we all make her feel unwelcome

@disconnecteddrifter another vote for your DP being a dick then, if he was letting DSD wake you multiple times a night! How did he handle it - sounds like not well.

I'm wondering if any of what you quoted in your last post has been said by DSD herself or is it assumed by DP/ex that is what she feels...

I have a step daughter (9) whom I adore. She's the icing on the cake for me.

Father’s Day - a tricky one… I used to get cards from all DSDs but then stopped after they were 18, and he got nothing
@disconnecteddrifter it’s completely on the mother and father to help kids feel comfortable. Unless you were being actively mean (and no evidence that you were) - then saying that you didn’t make the children ‘feel welcome’ is just blaming you unfairly. I imagine, if the mum felt aggrieved, she didn’t encourage the kids to feel at home with you and now is possibly regretting this. Ultimately it’s your partner’s job, he shouldn’t be making you wake up at all he should be helping his children.
I had this too, we had DSDs the majority of the time, but their mother did badmouth me a lot, resulting in quite uncomfortable step kids around me. Their Dad, my Ex, also left a lot of the parenting to me, which wasn’t fair on me or the step kids. Resulting eventually in one of the DSDs moving back in with her mother - who wasn’t happy with that (sadly for her daughter). What a mess people make sometimes.

@StocksandScares that is lovely to hear. Nice to hear of a success story and it sounds like you bring a lot to your step daughter’s life.

@PurpleyBlue I’m really not looking forward to FD either. We’ve not seen my DSC (teenager) for a couple of years and she now refuses any contact with my DH (parental alienation in full swing from her mum); he’ll be upset when another FD goes by with no card; my DC’s don’t see their dad (their choice) so it’s a difficult day for us as they want to avoid it.

@Cantthinkofabettername sounds tough.
We had drama last year as their mum forgot (they agreed to help the kids with the card buying for each other) but then kicked off as I'd got one from my LO and aparantly should have just added their names to it. I'd spent time making a handprint card with my LO. It was made worse as the DSC then asked their dad to get their mum a birthday present costing over £50. (They usually stick to £10) and she got annoyed when it was reported back to her that dad hadn't let them buy it.

All seems so silly and petty and I can't wait until they are old enough to buy their own cards!

@Bananasinpyjamas21 nothing current for me to share. Sadly my LTR broke down last year. Various reasons. I agree that the biggest mistake I made moving into that relationship was thinking there could be an element of blending/ moving everyone into one home.

Now? Whether I enter another relationship or not, I am very clear that I will not co-habit with anyone until my children are adults. I will not seek to ‘blend’ anything with anyone. I have zero issue with kids occasionally meeting up/ days out/ odd days spent together here and there - but I have absolutely no intent of ever getting seriously involved with anyone’s children (outside the role of a like a fun aunt) . I raise my children with my exh. Anyone I meet can raise their children and be responsible for parenting them. Not me.

I think that that is the best benefit for all the children. My children ultimately want time with me on our weekend days together. My exp’s children equally need that focussed 121 time with their dad EOW. Where he can be free to parent as he wishes and parent in whatever way he thinks can best meet his children’s needs.

Trying to mesh this stuff together (especially the scenario of resident and non resident children) is the stuff of nightmares. I was so naive going into that relationship, never again.

@disconnecteddrifter other posters have explained why your partner is a dick but I just want to add - it isn't for you to comfort his child when he is there. The child should be able to know they can go to either of their parents and be comforted if they are with them. If they repeatedly wake someone else up instead and the parent who is there refuses to put in a boundary so they stop shows that your partner is being a shit parent to the child and a shit partner to you.

It is now up to you to decide how much deflection and blame due to his lack of self awareness and other dickish behaviour you are happy to put up with in your relationship.

OP no issues with SC as they are lovely.

As my DP has put in boundaries to protect everyone it's a case of just laughing at the conversations I get shown. It shows SC mother continuing to be selfish, trying to be harmful and deliberately refusing to understand the boundaries she agreed to, which was why he put them in in the first place.

@disconnecteddrifter I agree with all the PP. It is not your responsibility (or your children’s) to roll out the red carpet and somehow over compensate for the fact that the actual parents have not fulfilled their part.

If the mother has essentially messed with her children, that’s for her to put right. At 8 and 10 she can engage in conversations that override whatever she has seeded in these poor children’s heads.
It’s then your partners job (their father) to do what is needed to be done to try and settle HIS children. Including if they wake at night. None of this is your responsibility.

It’s like the actual parents have created the mess and he’s essentially displacing their BS and telling you that you’ve created it and to clear it up. Rubbish. Parent your own children and tell him to parent his. All you need to do is be warm, welcoming, consistent and inclusive. If your partner wants anything more than that for his children, he needs to step up and provide it.

@RedMarauder - when you say your DH set boundaries, what were they?

Im in a situation atm where we had boundaries for years but this year DH ex's youngest has started nursery, so she's got herself a proper job, and is expecting over and beyond from my DH and myself. I have had to withdraw my help with DH just to show him how much is being asked which is working but its going to kick up all kinds of dust.

DP has 2 DC that live 200 miles away - their DM moved them. Covid hasn't helped the situation and we barely saw them last year. It sounds awful but I preferred it that way in the end. There was no last minute changes/unreasonable requests etc.

When the SDC are here it takes a period of adjustment which I privately dislike. The routine that myself, DP and my DCs have is just put out and it feels really unsettling.

What doesn't help is that there is a great deal of parental alienation that has gone on, and continues to go on, and also lots of negative talk about me so this just makes building a relationship with the SDC almost impossible.

The eldest SDC 10 is constantly messaging his DM. She asks what was for dinner/who cooked it/whether we use the right soap/whether I have been present for certain things. She tries to micromanage every aspect of their lives, even when they are here with us and it's just too much at times.

DP is excellent. He has tapped into her narcissist features and 'grey rocks' everything. I, on the other hand just cannot get over how another adult could negatively affect their children in this way.

As for my EXDH, he just seems to be the gift that keeps giving. My one DS 11 refuses to stay with him and has done for a year. We have had interventions by a family support worker and in the end that gave him the confidence to say he did not want to see his DF. He's really struggled with the decision, it's been like a bereavement to him but with the help of weekly counselling for 'that feeling in my tummy' hes doing a lot better but it has been an awful experience for him. My other DS still continues to see his DF and this has caused him problems too...he regularly feels angry at his brother for 'not trying hard enough' or me 'for not getting the right counsellor'. Its his DF speaking through him and it's just unfair.

@sassbott makes very good points. 'Blending' families is near on impossible. It has taken DP and I to the edge numerous times and the ever-changing needs and demands of everyone involved is exhausting. I think the only way it can work is if there are 4 adults that are happy in themselves and their single status/new relationships. Oh, and if they wholeheartedly care about the wellbeing and independent thought of their shared DCs, rather than they being a possession not to be shared.

and to all you SMs out there.

this is a great thread.

Tbh i dont really feel like a "step mum" anymore. Dp has two teenagers, one he has no contact with - her choice, under her mums vile influence. The other one we have barely any contact with, he will text if he wants something but that's about it. Again his mum hasn't helped. He prev lived with us for quite some time but moved back in with his mum when she confirmed she wouldnt make him follow any rules like we did and consequently he practically lives at his girlfriends mothers house.

We have a ds of our own so we do celebrate fathers day but every year it's hard. He doesnt really talk about it, so i dont really bring it up but there is just this cloud over his head. Its horrendous.

I am so so angry with his ex, she is honestly just the most viscious horrible woman i have ever met, and i have always taken the moral highground but as the years go by i really would love the oppurtunity to tell her what a horrible arsehole she is and how much she has damaged her own children.

@doris88 the boundaries are when he is available and when he isn't as they agreed. This is because their child didn't know where they were staying most days and how long for.

Due the his ex being horrible to him, back tracking over their informal agreements and being horrible to other people to get to him, they now have a Child Arrangements Order. So any last minute changes she asks for aren't agreed to unless it is due to illness of their child.

I've only done childcare for their child on occasion, and it's made very clear to their child by him and me I'm not around to parent.

Thank you for your support it means a lot particularly as I am always feeling like I'm thought to be the wicked step mother. I have a good relationship with thr step children. One of them just started getting terrified of bedtime. Literally shaking in fear. My partner said it was because I don't make her feel welcome in my room. I figured he could just sleep with her but still she doesn't want to sleep over. So now it's because we don't ask her every day. It's made me in turn withdraw which then gives evidence that I'm unwelcoming. (I go and work after dinner when she gets a lift home). Its so hard we are on the verge of breaking up

@disconnecteddrifter sorry, that must feel crap to be blamed for DSD sleep issues. Guess it's easier for him to deflect blame onto you, but that isn't the act of a supportive partner.

That has been my least favourite part of SM life - getting blamed for the fallout of a situation created by others, or for normal developmental things. I remember DP once telling me that DSS1 had "naturally grown out of" wanting to come into his bed aged 8. When DSS2 turned 8 and stopped coming in, though, it was obviously because I was "unwelcoming" not because he was growing up.

As happens every few years my birthday has fallen on Father's Day this year. We don't live together, and I haven't met the kids yet as we are only a year in, although they do know I exist. I don't have kids so planning on spending the day pottering in the garden until I see him in the evening, but it would have been nice to do something special or go away. But like everyone says, "you knew he had kids when you met him blah blah blah"... I guess when it comes to my birthday I just need to keep my expections low enough to parachute out of a snake's arse.

@SweatyBetty20 I get it. On the one hand these things are small but on the other hand they're huge.
When I was with exdp the amount of things I had to go to alone (weddings etc.) was unreal. I'm very independent & outgoing so on the one hand it didn't bother me but on the other hand it really did & I think friends & family members ended up thinking he was being fairly rude.
It's very hard being in half a relationship & yes, you know there are dc when you get involved but initially it can be very difficult to see just how much that will impact your life on a daily basis.
In my case I had my own dc so I was used to working around children but exdp's exw was very high conflict & made everything at his end 100% more difficult than it needed to be.

Mine are all grown up now and relations are very harmonious. The amount of unnecessary difficulty caused by their mum when they were little was appalling. They were supposed to come to us alternate Christmases, I think we had them for one because she started booking foreign holidays over Christmas and that continued until they were adults.

The bloke’s birthday is always on or close to Fathers’ Day. The kids were never available that weekend, never encouraged to acknowledge him in any way. What should have been a weekend when he felt loved and appreciated was always really sad for him. Now the kids are grown up they send cards and gifts and try hard to visit him.

@SweatyBetty20 @Magda72 everyone else tells us they should be small. The reality? They’re not. This points to a wider general imbalance at an adult level.

The BS pedalled out of you knew he had children so you knew what you were getting into? Rubbish. My exh has children, with me. I have children with him. Neither one of us are dicks and both of us are flexible on contact. Dates get shifted to accommodate special events/ work dinners/ family occasions. Because each of us respects the fact that the other party requires a personal life, and doesn’t restrict access to the children, a healthy dynamic is allowed in future relationships.

These situations arise when in the background there is a parent hellbent on making contact difficult/ restricting access. That creates a dynamic whereby the only priority for a parent who is getting limited access is to see and prioritise their children. The partner (who is typically available much more readily) will always therefore get deprioritised.

That’s understandable but it’s not healthy, nor is it ok. My exp would repeatedly get obsessed up about adhoc contact with his children on his birthday. To the extent that one year when his ex refused fairly last minute he then turned to me (the day before) and asked what we were doing, I bluntly said ‘nothing, your be all and end all was seeing your children. It’s not my issue that your ex has refused, I’m not your last minute back up because what you really wanted to do fell through.’
He knew my ex was flexible and with a days notice expected me to shift my childcare to be free to suit him. I flat out refused. Why? He should have been happy to have a partner who was prepared to spoil him and spend his day that way. Knowing his ex has always refused every other ask. Being a back up/ second best? Consistently? It’s not good enough.

Hugs to you all. I'm new to this and thankfully the "kids" in question are adults. Dps dd is very friendly and chooses to spend more time with us than her dm when not at university. My own kids of course take me for granted so maybe I'm flattered by the pleases and thank yous! (My own kids are similar aged, all adults here)