A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Comfortincats honestly you are not the problem in any of that. That's some serious dad guilt going on with him right there.

@feckingknackered what does your dp say about it?

@Ripley1977 more dad guilt I would feel so jealous on my dc behalf if I'm totally honest if that was me! It's the other reason why I'd never have dc with dh as I know he would end up like that! My first reason is that I don't like being a parent to young dc and my dc are teens so freedom is calling!

@StarryNight468 he's agreed to every other weekend from now so will
See how it goes. It suits no one but her though. He is scared of confrontation, I wish he would grow a pair

Stupid as it sounds, we just got my partners rota - means we will have stepson for the first week of October Hols and Im anxious already. How bad is that :(

@Comfortincats plan something nice to do with dss and plan something nice to do by yourself with your friends and plan something nice for you and dh after he's gone home. I find having things to look forward to helps me a lot, and you never feel like an outsider when you're with your friends.

@StarryNight468 thanks lovely, I know I have to try and change how I see the situation and planning nice things to do will help :) with my partner working away - the second he is home madam hitler packs their son over to us so we hardly have any time, and he works in another time zone so he is exhausted and takes a while to get back to normal and I end up feeling really shut out and a little neglected that my needs arent met. There are just so many things I have to try and adjust to all the time, its a bit of a bumpy road constantly.

That does sound shit @Comfortincats my dh definitely gets the guilt parenting but he's not that bad. Our 10 days with dss is up tomorrow and dh is taking me away for the weekend so not having dss on Sunday like normal to give me a break.

Has anyone been in my situation of being kept a secret from the dp's children?! We've been an item for 6 months but we can't even have a phone call if they're there, if they come in during a quick call it's immediately ended but usually he will end it sooner than that so they don't hear. I just feel a bit about it. Do I just let it go on and on, am I being unreasonable to feel a bit put out by it, when I should be enjoying the minimal contact (which is extremely minimal during holidays)?!

@frankiefirstyear DH kept me from his children for about 5 months but we had an agreement that was when he'd tell them about me because of the youngest dsd's 11+ exam.

What's your dps plan for when he might introduce you? I don't think a bit of caution is a bad thing but equally I think there has to be a plan you're both happy with...

I think the fact that he's said a few times he will tell them (so that we can just 'be') but then doesn't, is making me feel a bit odd. I feel like the OW when I'm absolutely not! I too agree with waiting, and I can totally understand he doesn't want to stress them out etc but is there ever a good time to tell them?! I suppose feeling like the OW is the cause to me wanting them told, now that I see it written down 😵‍💫 thanks @harriethoyle you always take the time to reply to me, I feel a bit of an imposter here but nowhere else to turn for advice and HH

So the 10 days are up this morning, dss has just left to go back to his dm and not even a bye to me. I know it shouldn't annoy me, but I've looked after dss whilst wfh, my ds missed out on his birthday, I've made him lunch every day and dinner most evenings, found him things to do so he's not completely bored, have had zero space or alone time and I can't even get a bye starry night. Argh!

@frankiefirstyear I agree with asking him what his plan is and having it a bit firmer. I'd hate feeling like a secret!

@StarryNight468 can you speak to DH and say look one of the house rules are we say goodbye and please and thank you in this house ? And get it enforced ?

My surly step daughter started this whole I refuse to acknowledge you thing and I started saying to DH, I know she's not neotypical but a hello and good bye and a thank you shouldn't be a massive thing and isn't beyond her, typical or not . How would this look if it was witnessed by others (that got him 🙄). Took a fair few stabs before he starts to growl at her and she begrudgingly does it. But now I say if you can't be polite and kind to all living things In the house I won't take her horse riding (a threat she knows I will act on as it's something we do together and DH can't do it) she's bucked up a bit.
Funnily enough the more strict I am with her the better behaved she is with me which is baffling to DH. He literally has said I don't get it and I'm like she needs ducking boundaries to feel safe and he's still like I don't get it 😩🤯🤯🤯

Anyway saga continues and I don't want to preach that we have it down in this house because we don't.

Well done for surviving the 10 days, can you go do something nice to celebrate?

Thank heavens I found this thread btw, nice to have a safe space without SM bingo on every post.

@candlelightsatdawn it already is one of our rules.. dss is expected to say hi, bye, please and thank you. Dh is pretty good on the hi and thank you, he's a bit rubbish on the reminders to say bye.

Dss has a lot of issues tbh, he was upset this morning about going back to his dms. Not because he doesn't want to see her, but because he does have a lot of jealousy towards me and sometimes my dc. He's very conflicted, on one hand he likes me, sees my house as his home, wants to be involved ect and the other hand is what his awful dm has put in his head since me and dh married. His dm told him dh loved me more than him and we were going to have a baby and dh wouldn't see him again. Other times she's told him how scared she is of dss liking me and my dc more than her. It is hard for him, but its also hard for me too! It doesn't get better, he's now started to jump into my space on the sofa if I get up to make a drink.. dh feels guilty about dss feeling jealous and doesn't then hold firm boundaries or talk to dss about how important dss is to him in a constructive way, it's all a bit of a mess but dh has found a child focused therapy course where the parents attend alongside the dc. When that starts I am hoping for better.

Dss is lovely when dh isn't around. I also have firm boundaries and expectations so he knows where he is with me behaviour wise. Twice when dh had to work late he went to bed happy and with no problems. The other days its been 10.30/11 and he's been sneaking his switch in bed... says it all really! I said to dh in September we're bringing back a bedtime routine and his tech is to be removed and in our room at night as he needs to sleep, he's 8 ffs. Dh said - its hard when his mum let's him stay up late...his mum doesn't let him stay up late, he's in bed for 8.30 at her house!

And I'm not an awful step mum who never gives them time alone either.. I often disappear for a long bath or to my room to watch something by myself and give them space. I have my own things going on with my personal trainer, work, friends and family so dh and dss get a few alone hours here and there. Short of dh moving out there isn't much more I can do to give them space.

@StarryNight468

My DP used to say stuff like that, assuming my because it felt too difficult to him to keep up with strict consistency in parenting (he’s much better now). It doesn’t matter what the rules are at his mums anyway, children are very flexible adapting to different rules in two households, with a bit of a push anyway! My dSD 8 is allowed to diet on pure beige food and sweets and skip breakfast at her mums and watch tv in her room until the early hours of the morning but at ours it’s a strict bedtime rule and proper meals. She questions and protests it if she’s been at the other home for long periods but she settles in to the house routine quick enough.

I’m sorry he didn’t say goodbye that must be very difficult! I do feel it’s a lot of children in general though can lose their manners, my DSD probably wouldn’t say goodbye half the time of it wasn’t reminded by my DP, so I’ve stopped letting it get to me so much - there was a time where she would come here and ignore me for the first half an hour which used to really frustrate and upset me.

So my DSD got let off lightly with the hair cut she seemed very happy when she got picked up this week. She said to us that her mum asked if she liked her hair and she said ‘yes, do you like it?’ And she just said ‘not really.’ A lot better reaction than last time so hopefully her confidence will be restored when it comes to hair cuts and she won’t be fretting over her mums reaction. We have her again for another full 10 days at the weekend which will be nice, there was a time where it was quite overwhelming for me but you can tell her happiness over staying here has had a massive impact on everything lately which makes her more of a pleasure to be around. Quite the opposite to what it has been in the past. She has said some questionable things about being at her mums, not wanting to go back, not seeming to miss her or want to call her and a few strange and unprovoked comments to strangers such as ‘I don’t really like her’ and ‘she doesn’t bother with me’. I do worry about my personal time though, my own DD is with us the majority of the week but goes to her dads 6/14 nights so I do get that space at the back end of the week to myself. This time it will looking after two children the majority of the working week whilst I’m working from home, plus the evenings when my DP works and still having DSD at the back end of the week when I usually have the time to have a quiet home and space or I can go swimming etc. It is exhausting when you are not used to it. As much as it’s nice to have another child there for my DD to entertain each other when I’m working, its difficult to have the loudness and the mess in the space I’m working in and then having the house and teas and assorts to sort, later bed times due to the school holidays etc where I won’t even get that last hour of the evening to have adult/me time which is very much needed.

I told my DP last night that as much as it’s more beneficial for them, it’s hard going on me.

On the back end of that, I also feel that my DD is much more hard work and difficult with DSD around, does anyone else get that?

My DD is an absolute delight when we are alone. She’s passive and less rude to be when I tell her to do something, but she ramps the attitude up around DSD which I find it really difficult to handle, it’s like she’s not my child and I find it very hard to be close to her when she’s like that.

I’m booking some time off to take her camping without DSD next week, which I know will probably cause arguments and upset but I feel that one on one time is needed, especially before she goes back to school.

[quote StarryNight468]@candlelightsatdawn it already is one of our rules.. dss is expected to say hi, bye, please and thank you. Dh is pretty good on the hi and thank you, he's a bit rubbish on the reminders to say bye.

Dss has a lot of issues tbh, he was upset this morning about going back to his dms. Not because he doesn't want to see her, but because he does have a lot of jealousy towards me and sometimes my dc. He's very conflicted, on one hand he likes me, sees my house as his home, wants to be involved ect and the other hand is what his awful dm has put in his head since me and dh married. His dm told him dh loved me more than him and we were going to have a baby and dh wouldn't see him again. Other times she's told him how scared she is of dss liking me and my dc more than her. It is hard for him, but its also hard for me too! It doesn't get better, he's now started to jump into my space on the sofa if I get up to make a drink.. dh feels guilty about dss feeling jealous and doesn't then hold firm boundaries or talk to dss about how important dss is to him in a constructive way, it's all a bit of a mess but dh has found a child focused therapy course where the parents attend alongside the dc. When that starts I am hoping for better.

Dss is lovely when dh isn't around. I also have firm boundaries and expectations so he knows where he is with me behaviour wise. Twice when dh had to work late he went to bed happy and with no problems. The other days its been 10.30/11 and he's been sneaking his switch in bed... says it all really! I said to dh in September we're bringing back a bedtime routine and his tech is to be removed and in our room at night as he needs to sleep, he's 8 ffs. Dh said - its hard when his mum let's him stay up late...his mum doesn't let him stay up late, he's in bed for 8.30 at her house![/quote]
You sound like your more than pulling your weight. I hope DH is getting better at setting boundaries in. I started to think if we had SD full time would be easier but I think my mental health would crumble to the floor tbh.

The mum sounds like a nightmare ?!? Who says that to their own kids ?!? Really blows my mind people would say this stuff, I wouldn't ever say it to my daughter. Hopefully you have minimal contact with her ?
I have no advice re space as we have similar thing so usually I have to sit on living room floor as SD won't make space for anyone else bar her dad and now proclaims it her sofa 🙄 and no one can sit there bar them.

Re tech and bed time you have my utter sympathies - we are having same bang on discussion and SD is 12. God help us he's like she's to old now to take away tech 🙄🙄 like that isn't just another excuse to be rolled out ! She kicks off saying well my mum lets me... I'm like well lucky for you I'm not your mum but it's hit and miss. Sometimes I just leave it to him to deal with fall out.

Please forgive my downward spiral. We have another weekend of contact coming up and just in my bones I'm tired.

@Themadcatparade I hope when he goes to counselling with dss he will get better. How did your dh become more consistent?

I'm glad she didn't get made to feel bad about her haircut.

My dc are at a different life stage to dss so their behaviour doesn't change. Dss behaviour changes though, he shows off to my dc and is really bloody rude to dh tbh. He also loves to wind my dc up by annoying them. Dh struggles with this a lot as before when it was just him and dss his behaviour apparently wasn't like this. This creates resentment in dh even though it's nobody's fault.

@StarryNight468 I think it was a watch and learn sort of experience for him, I remember him being in tears one night in the kitchen over her not eating anything and not brushing her teeth (which are black and crumbling, she’s just had an abscess as well that’s how poor her dental hygiene is). And I just tested the waters and said to him try putting your foot down at risk of an argument and see what happens, or if you don’t want to be the bad guy Then I will take the fall for it myself. She was screaming and kicking doors over her peas (which she asked for) being on the same plate as her food and about an hour later she still would touch it (very common thing every meal time it used to stall the whole family’s plans, had both the girls late for school most mornings, absolutely ridiculous it went on so long IMO). So I just took her food away and returned with a plate of just peas .

She kicked off even more, hysterical over it and he tried to calm her down in her room. Then she came down and ate her food and it took her ten minutes. I think he learned then that sometimes you have to be drastic to stop the drama and the problem wasn’t so much with her but with him allowing her a million chances and delaying things when he could just take the plunge and stop the behaviour. He took up the three chances only rule then and it seemed to work. Once she learned that he will follow through with things she seemed to learn quickly from it.

And of course, teeth brushing turned in to physical wrestling, kicking the bath, punching him in the face because she didn’t want her teeth being brushed. He started to understand that the only two options were battle with her for a short amount of time which was horrible for him to deal with. Or let her get away with a lifetime of not brushing her teeth knowing she had that much sugar at her mums and was having more and more fillings and teeth falling o it when she was eating soft things! But with consistent wrestling she soon learned that it was easier to do it on her own, and he learned that it was easier on him too doing it that way. Everything fell in to place after that

Easier said than done though if the father doesn’t want to fo through all the drama and battle. I’m glad he did.

Thanks @Themadcatparade he does try. Dss uses food as control and for attention. I suggested not over filling his plate, giving him an hour and just taking the plate away after with only fruit for pudding if not eaten. He did it for a few days and it worked. Dss ate all his food and wanted seconds on a few occasions! Dh then went back to over filling his plate and negotiating for hours over how much food is ate! Boundaries and consistency work but dh struggles to maintain them, gets frustrated with dss, feels guilty for getting frustrated and then guilt parents - this cycle keeps going...

I'm glad your dh has worked it out

Wow just reading all of these posts has made me feel so much better. I honestly thought it was just me that struggled as a step parent so seeing that other people are having the exact same issues as myself is reassuring.
I have 3dc , age 5, 3, 6m and SS age 8.
My main issues are: dinner times, refuses to eat anything apart from sweets/donuts/jam. He also refuses to eat at the table, i bite my tongue and allow the sofa to just try get him to eat, but he sits on the kitchen side or on the stairs or in the kids bedroom (rules are normally table only). My DC have picked up on this, my eldest now often says well why does SS get to eat where he wants and i have to sit at the table, i struggle to answer that tbh.
Bedtime- hell on earth. Ss stays on tablet or switch till 3/4 in the morning. He also comes into our room as he pleases at any hour to unplug our phones to get the charger, or says he wants to sleep downstairs, or asks for a different game. This disturbs baby so im then up settling her back down.
Behaviour- a few examples, me and the kids were all tidying up before we were leaving the house for a day out, i asked him to put 1 cup he had used in the kitchen as he refused to tidy up. He told me no, I questioned why as everyone had helped tidy up and he told me he doesnt want to and spat at me. Another example, my nan come over to visit, she said hello to everyone and said hello to ss, he ignored her so I said can you say hello please and he got up and pushed her out the way and ran off. One last example, we were at an event with all the DC, my DC and SS were both being shits and winding each other up and ultimately it lead to my DC being hurt, both come crying to me, I told both of them to stop what they were doing to say sorry to eachother and to both play nicely from now on. Dd appologised to SS, ss ran off to the kitchen side and refused to speak. When i spoke to his dad to explain what had happened ss come in the room screaming in my face. He then went outside my dd asked him to play and ss pushed her over.
(I shit you not, these examples are only from the past month and seem to be escalating)
Ss is only happy when the world revolves around him, DH excuses for this behaviour is because he's an only child with his mum.
At one point DH enabled it completely, now hes so frustrated because all SS does is rule the house, cry to get his own way, makes himself sick to get his own way if running off doesn't work. He constantly hurts the younger DC, hes hurt me multiple times, throwing things at me, spitting at me, he slammed my hand in a door when I tried to calm him down, the list goes on. DH is hit and miss, hes got ALOT better but its got so bad I do feel like he let's alot slide when he shouldn't let anything slide at this stage, i think ss needs to be pulled up on everything and needs a proper routine set as its escalated so badly it will only get worse. Ive given up, I am no longer getting involved unless it concerns my DC. I am emotionally drained. I feel like I've tried everything and I just get the worst of it because he doesn't like me.

@Rainyx I know, I felt the same reading all these posts. It's not just me feeling like this after all! Finally found a safe place to vent...

@Comfortincats
It really is. Its so difficult because if it was one of my children that was behaving this way I would know something really isn't right and I would be making an appointment with the doctor, talking to school, talking to DC and more than likely councelling. But because SS is not my child, I cannot do these things, if I even suggested them I would be shot straight back down and put back on my step mum bench lol.
SS is not my responsibility, that is his dads and his mums but what bugs me is that the rest of the household is my responsibility and it affects the whole house. So im getting to the point where if this gets worse or doesn't improve im going to have to leave the marriage which I really do not want but i can't go on.
After reading all of these posts i feel so much more strong minded that it isn't just me that feels this way and im not a monster for feeling it.

@Rainyx has dss always been like this or has it got worse and worse and now suddenly you're like wtf have I got myself into?

I completely relate to feeling so frustrated about concerning behaviour and wanting to get professional help and put boundaries ect into your home.

You need to tell dh how you're feeling and that you want to leave if it continues.

@Rainyx

So im getting to the point where if this gets worse or doesn't improve im going to have to leave the marriage which I really do not want but i can't go on.

I'm not surprised you're feeling this way. Your husband has been/is really inconsistent in the boundaries he's setting for his son and the consequences for his bad behaviour. Your children are being negatively affected and are picking up on the different parenting styles. Your step son has absolutely no respect for you - an adult in the home and in his life. It sounds as you are almost at the end of your patience, understandably so.

However, before you speak to your husband about the possibility of leaving your marriage, do make an appraisal of your financial situation and, discreetly, speak to a solicitor about how the future could look for you and your children from a legal/financial standpoint. Knowledge of your rights and next steps for you and your children is important.

Good luck. 🌹

@StarryNight468
he's lovely as long as he is centre of attention 24/7. Hes always not been so great when hes not. But it has 100% got worse and ramped up in the last year or 2. Hes become quite violent whereas before I'd say he was more just difficult as I have different boundaries and expectations that hes used to with mum.

@Newestname001
Honestly DH has got so much better at certain things but others not so much. Hes got dad guilt so hates telling him off. It is ridiculous though and always double standard with all the kids.
He is a much better parent to our joint kids than he is to his son. I did them like a picnic lunch and put some sweets on there plate as a treat with it (lockdown times) and he looked at me like i lost the plot putting a few sweets with there picnic, but with SS he literally has a bag of sweets for breakfast/lunch/dinner and the excuse is "well its what hes used to, he won't eat anything else" hes completely given up on even trying to change things like that. I dont really care anymore tbh I just dont like my dc picking up on it. I sound so harsh in these posts but in this moment in time I just give up.
As for solicitors etc I will 100% be doing this. DH knows how unhappy I am and I have previously said how can we go on like this, he wants to keep trying to work on it until it comes to that.