A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

Oh dear.

@StarryNight468 in all honesty and as per many situations, this isn't a step issue as such, it goes deeper than that.

Take the step child away and his character would still be problematical a healthy relationship.

It sounds as if you want to save the relationship but is that even possible with this level of communication? You’d always have issues.

Is it worth posting on the relationships topic (name change?) for practical advice? You don’t even need to mention the DSC.

Thank you again everyone.

He tried to hug me this morning and I said no. He said it sounds like you've made up your mind and I said yes I have. He went on a bit about how I won't take responsibility for my childish feelings and anyone else I get with I'll have the same problems. That I'm responsible for my feelings and shouldn't get offended at jokes, I'm too sensitive and emotional and my feelings of upset doesn't trump his and they're on me. I did try again to explain how I need support and that jokes about things that are sensitive to me I'm never going to find funny and why would you not care that you've said something that's upset me. I don't know if I'm going crazy or not now, I don't know if I am just to emotional and the unreasonable one who needs to grow up. But even if I am the one who has created these dynamics by getting upset about things like - not being able to talk about lies dss has said, sleeping arrangements, front seat of the car ect I know I'm not going to be able to not be emotional about the real or the perceived rejection I feel from H when he won't listen to me. I don't think I'm unreasonable to ask that H supports me through the difficult dynamics of step parenting instead of getting angry. I do act childish when upset although I am good at saying I feel quite upset at the moment because of X and Y and can be vulnerable and talk about it. I also have been so resentful and uptight about such a lot, I've said that to him and what I need for that to go away, but he doesn't get it.

@LatentPhase The house is rented and in my name. Citizens advice say he can stay here until the divorce is finalised but he's not going to do that. He's said this morning he will be out in a month after he's saved some money. I like that bit about trapped being a state of mind. I am also sorry that you're going through your breakup. It's just so hard how the nrp dynamics seep in and you're the bad guy.

@candlelightsatdawn we don't have any assets or shared debt apart from cars and my pension. We haven't even been married a full year so I think we will just take what we each brought into it, which isn't a lot.

@Dragon50 you're right, it isn't just a step issue, it's communication, it's only really the step issues that we don't agree on so it's what highlights are shit communication.

@Magda72 thank you! Yes I agree there's a grey area. I do think it's our dynamic more than him as a person.

If he is determined not to go deep, know that that’s on him. He doesn’t want t visit a world of serious problem solving because it involves looking at himself. Hence he is desperate (yes, it’s desperate) for things to be ‘a joke’. Quite sad.

Maybe have compassion. Re-frame this. He would rather not sit in the seriousness. He has a lot of growing up to do.

But for now. I think, let him go. Don’t fall for the ‘youre too emotional’ line. It’s as old as time and designed to get him off the hook.

Can you go and stay with a friend? It must be horribly invalidating. Being around his energy of denying depth. I would take myself out of the house if at all possible.

@LatentPhase both my best friends have said me and dc can go and stay with them if we want to. I just hate staying at other people's houses and my dc wouldn't have their own rooms and space ect.

I will try to reframe it like you said. It is sad, genuinely sad that he isn't able to look at what he's doing and would rather divorce than do some introspection. I'm really sad about it, I had thought that he was who I would grow old with.

Update!

On the actual verge of divorce H has finally listened to me and apologised. A real apology, he said he's been doing what he's been accusing me of doing for months and thats having blinkers on. He said nothing I've said penetrates into his head when his son is mentioned as his defensiveness just wooshes up and he feels I'm attacking his son and his parenting but now recognises that I'm not attacking him and he should have supported me. He then feels insecure because I'm not happy and lashes out (verbally) and finally sees that this is a problem.

He's also found a couple of therapy places for dss where the parents go through the journey with the dc which he is going to book in and begin.

I'm hopeful that him recognising the issues will lead to lasting change. I'm going to put a time limit on this to see whether it works or not. We're still on shakey ground but that he's seen the light.

Dss dm has tested positive this morning. Dss came over last night. We now have dss for 10 days.. this is going to be an excellent test really.

Oh wow! That’s like a whole whopping great one-eighty - right there!

Divine timing, perhaps, or perhaps fuel on fire - this won’t be a quick fix.

Have you discussed what the flash points might be over the next 10 days?

You must be exhausted!

Hope this is the green shoots of something better, @StarryNight468

Thank you @LatentPhase I really hope it will work out.

The flash point idea is a really good idea. We're going to do a big shop later in case dss does test positive and we all have to isolate so will talk to h about it then.

@StarryNight468 I'm glad he's seen the light and I'm also glad he's given you the reprive and take ownership of his own actions and not blamed you !

Keep us posted. Ahh flash points, for us anyway it always seems to be food (aka SC using us a a restaurant- ordering whatever she likes and dismissing what she doesn't to send DH out to get for suitable food) and enforcement of disaplin. Neither fun topics. I hope DH doesn't get to poorly and you don't get it either. It wasn't fun when we got last year ! Despite all the "it's a cold" I felt like death ! So wouldn't wish it on anyone, having said that I have a auto immune disease 🦠 so I may have gotten it worse than the norm !

Hi all, how is everyone doing?? Been absent for a good few weeks...

So I had my baby 💙 despite the lead up to him arriving being the worse 2 weeks of our entire relationship. We didn't even have dsd it was just all made so hard. My children had covid 2 days before contact weekend which meant we had to cancel then the following contact weekend I was being induced which also meant we had to cancel contact. I had a sweep earlier in the week to try to get me going and DP was refusing to mention that we might have to cancel contact. I then got offered to put my induction back a couple of days to try to labour naturally and DP wasn't happy as by that stage he had cancelled dsd. He didn't understand that we have noone to look after her should I go into labour thay weekend anyway. He tried to force it onto my mum and say we'll she can look after her. Said to him no. We argued a lot. His ex wife caused lots of trouble with the divorce/financial hearing meaning that got adjourned and he had a whopping (2k plus) solicitors bill come in. We spent the night before induction in seperate rooms another argument over dsd/contact/his toxic parents/ex wife. Anyway now she was due to come this weekend and meet her brother and her mother had refused contact. They go on holiday for two weeks Sunday so we don't see her now until second weekend of September. Whilst I am glad I have a break and a chance to recover and get into a routine with baby I am dreading that weekend it will be 10 weeks since dp has seen her when she finally comes can't even imagine what hell that will be. I was going to pop out with friends the evening she is due to come without baby but tbh I don't trust him with the baby with her. My older DC aren't allowed to do loads with him as he isn't a toy but I know he will be trying to make it up to her. I'm interested tk see how he is with baby ds when she is here. In other news he will now be working every weekend until she's here. Another thing which yes okay means I don't have to babysit but is pissing me off coz what we're not as important and don't deserve his time?? I'm thinking atm I have some kind of zen just you all get on with it I'm literally not interested I have enough on my plate and concentrating on my gorgeous baby.

Sorry to everyone having a really tough time, sending love.

Congratulations, @Vie8126 on your new baby. I'm sorry you're going through such a challenging time. Thank goodness you have MN to lean on and also your mother as needed.

What strong women you are all on this thread! Hope you all have a better future than your present!🌹

Can I join? Really don't even feel able to write about how shit I feel about SD situation right now. She's here for a week in a few days and I can already feel the tension descending. Could really use some advice when I feel up to recounting the shot show again

Congratulations @Vie8126 - maybe he needs to take dsd away for that weekend to give them a chance to reconnect.. he can then Disney as much to his hearts delight plus you'll get another reprieve from it all and be the good guy in

@Restlessinthenorth I don't know your situation, but can you try to flip it in your head. Everytime you feel that tension say to your DP I'm really excited about seeing dsd and plan something nice to do. We can't spend our lives being dominated by this same old bullshit.

Excellent advice from @StarryNight468 there, when I think of my pitiful situation I'm not sure how to move into the shit creek some of you seem to be hand paddling through 😫 and I wonder what I'm thinking to be even contemplating getting into this with my bf 🤦‍♀️

Congratulations @Vie8126 that's lovely news! And agree with @StarryNight468 suggestion... sounds win win

So update on dss isolating..

His dm is being an absolute nightmare, she's crying on the phone about being alone (her eldest son is with her) and trying to get dss back. H isn't having none of it as then dss won't be able to come over until x amount of days if he is a contact again for his brother or if he catches it himself. My poor ds was supposed to have a birthday sleepover and hot tub party (we rented a hot tub for the weekend) so his friends can't come and none of my family want to see us until dss isolation date is up.

Dss dm is on the phone constantly, video calls.. this wasn't enabled on dss phone until today and I've borne the brunt of it as he's showed her round my house, inc my bedroom. He even took the phone in the hot tub (they still let us have it) and H has been working all day and evening. After his video call in the hot tub she then rang H up and screamed at him for working late.. I hate the video calls, I'm WFH, 3 dc around, my house isn't spotless atm as the cleaner won't come and I feel so exposed! I can hear her (not right this second) saying things like - are you not dressed yet, are you hungry, you look cold ect and I'm taking it quite personally tbh - especially when after the video calls H gets a call about how he should be there making sure dss is looked after. I don't get her at all, she's screaming at H one minute, then msging me after saying thank you for looking after dss!

I don't feel my H is fully appreciating how hard it all is WFH on top of it all!!

@StarryNight468 a wonderful idea however I know he will want the full on family experience so she can meet her baby brother. I'm hoping I will be able to get out of a lot of things and he can take his dd out on contact weekends solo now something his never been keen to do as its about being a 'family' albeit one where one child out of all the others is treated as the golden child.

Oh the video calls would drive me insane it's the view into your home which is so intrusive. When my DC go to their dad's I try to not contact them really as it's on his time my dd and I might exchange the odd text about the dog or now how the baby is lol. I def wouldnt facetime! The ex sounds delightful 🙄 must be driving you nuts having to manage her as well as wfh.

I’ve been stalking this thread a while and it truly is heartbreaking some of the stuff we have to deal with and the accounts of neglect or mind games when it comes to the children. I never thought I’d be in this position but here I am.

We are due to pick up DSD later on and we have sent her back with her hair cut (about 3 inches) and the poor child has been fretting over it ever since. It was long enough to go down the toilet when she sat on it, so it’s still super long just a little easier to manage and healthier.

We had it cut about 18 months ago and her mum went mental about it, not at us, at her. She is 7 for reference. Said that she ‘doesn’t look like a princess anymore’ and frightened her to going to the hairdressers again because she had it in her mind now that if it happens again the police will be called and we will be arrested for it. It was the first time she’d ever had a hair trim.

We’ve spent a week trying to talk her in to having the confidence to have her hair tidied up a bit, she had wanted to do it for ages but you can tell how frightened she was over her mum so it was constant pep talking from us and tasking sure she knew that her anger should be at us not her. She was with us for about 12 days, unexpectedly extended and she didn’t want to go back because her hair hadn’t grown back yet. It breaks my heart she is so frightened over a hair cut. It’s still down to the bottom of her back. I just have a knot in my stomach waiting for the response she will come back with to see if she’s been punished or not and that’s the sort of control she has over not just her child but us as well. It’s painfully pathetic.

She has said some worrying (unprompted) things as well over the past week - to other people. The hairdresser ‘my mum doesn’t really care about me, she just makes me watch YouTube all day’, and ‘I don’t really like my mum’ to strangers, randomly.

She was due back on Monday morning after not seeing her for a week but her mum was admitted to hospital, cue more worrying from her being distressed over that but she didn’t seem bothered this time about going back. Never asked to speak to her or asked if she was okay or anything.

@StarryNight468 oh no hell I couldn’t hive dealing with that! Sounds like she’s a constant presence in your home at the moment, can your H out his foot down and limit the calls? Surely she doesn’t need to be in contact with your DSS so much during the day especially if she’s putting out her parenting on your DH’s time

On the flip side of that I’ve got the feel from your posts that your DH isn’t the sort of person who would even tolerate the idea…. I’m sorry you are going through so much difficulty with him.

@Vie8126 congratulations!

Well surprisingly he's being really supportive on that. He totally gets how intrusive it is and keeps apologising to me about that. What he isn't being particularly supportive of is how hard it is WFH with a bored 8yr old around who keeps annoying my dc because of his boredom and my disappointment about my sons birthday. He's too wrapped up in his disappointment about not being able to take dss away for a mini break at the start of the week to see how shit it is for my son. Although we did speak to dss the night before last and H told him any answering back, any not listening to me would result in me taking away his switch for as long as I see fit so he's being supportive in that. I just feel I need more validation or whatever because A looking after him whilst WFH is a lot of work B I have said previously that I wouldn't have him by myself because of the stories he makes up C my sons birthday has been ruined. I might be being a bit childish there though!

@Themadcatparade that sounds really tough for your dsd. Is there anyway your dh could access some play therapy through school as it must be so hard for her and all those confusing emotions inside. I really don't understand why rp can't put their dcs needs above their own when it comes to ensuring their dc are happy.

Hello all. First post and man, am I glad I found this place....Im not alone it seems. Hope everyone is surviving the holidays - here in Scotland they finish tomorrow. Thank the gods....
My partners ex is Hitler reincarnated, just without the tash and comb over. She causes so much anxiety I dread when my stepson is due as she starts chucking her weight about and changing things at the last minute. I end up feeling like the bad guy as we will book holidays or days out and she will change the days we have him and then I say no as we have made plans and then he looks all upset as he wants to see his son and will never say no to him coming here. He is 14 and a good lad, we get on great apart from the fact his room is like a cave and smells just as bad as his hygene is terrible. I have to remind my partner to get him to shower as I cannot stand the smell of him! Of course Im the bad guy again for saying he has a smelly kid. He just wants to play his Xbox - which is fine but I HATE it when they play it in the lounge so Im forced into the bedroom as I cant stand watching the games on TV. They leave crisp and sweet packets all over the sofa and then of course it stinks as his sweaty arm pits have been all over it. My partner never even notices that he stinks. As his Mum is so awful, my partner is way too relaxed in compensation as she is draconian in her ways. I dread his visits, not because he is a bad lad but because I have to clean up after them all the time, put up with the smell and the ex messaging changing drop off times/days as she is off to the pub or sneaking away to see one or other of the men she has on the go. My partner works offshore so his time home is limited - she shoves her son over here as much as possible so she can go out and then that leaves us with little to no couple time. He has to take him to football, Scouts and piano during the week and then we have him most if not all weekends. She dictates to us when he is here which I think is awful, I feel I have gained an ex wife. My daughter is 19 and is no bother - her dad is non existent so we have none of this with him. Im sorry for the long moan, I just feel I have nobody to speak to about it and it is really getting me down. We had a small break away about 3 weeks ago and havent really had any couple time since, of which my partner said he put me before his son as we went away. He speaks to his son like a baby, he is nearly 6ft, deep voice and has breakouts on his face - he is no baby! Im working from home and had to ban online games as my work was crashing and thats all they do....apart from now when they are slouched over the sofa playing the Xbox and he is waited on hand and foot - I dont get get a blimin cuppa bought into the office but he is ferried sweets and crisps and cans - of which I have to clean up after I finish work. I of course feel like the worst person ever as I moan about the mess and smell and that I need couple time. Any comments welcome as Im sure many of you are in a worse position!

@Themadcatparade Ah no, poor kid! Our situation is similar, stepson never got his haircut in 8 months so I did it - he was worried about what his Mum was going to say. She then said she couldnt cope with him (she has a 1 year old to someone else) and we suggested he live here and she agreed. We updated schools etc and then she changed her mind and said she never agreed to it at all and threatened the police if we didnt take him home. Whats worse, she is a solicitor and constantly threatens legal action for anything. Poor lad wants to stay here - which would be easier but she likes the maintenance money too much to let him come here. I feel for you and the little one - who on earth would say she didnt look like a princess anymore!!

Love this thread!
I hate my DP ex. They more or less had a one night stand and now have a five year old. She is so bloody demanding and is a lazy bastard. She does not work, there is no reason for this she just doesn't want to and sponges off her kids dads instead. She demands that DP picks DSS up after work on a Friday night despite him having a two hour drive to get him and then DSS will fall asleep on the journey home which effects his sleep and his dads. I'm scared he will end up crashing after a long week at work. There's no reason he can't get him on a Saturday morning instead which is best and safer all round.

"Yep! I get that, they're having a nice time, then realise and feel guilty! Same when it comes to photos, if we're out just us and someone takes a photo of just us and our child I know he feels guilty. He'll then never post it on his socials or anything, he'll over ever post pics of SD. I know its silly but really upsets me"

@harryclr

Same, my oh posts loads of memory pics of the DSC when I said what about our DC he said "I will when it comes up on a memory" but he still doesnt, and he made me feel bad for asking.