A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@harriethoyle the timings that make most sense for us moving in would be around 8-15 years wait time, due to school catchments and exams, affording a big home for us all to have a bedroom each which would be desirable due to age differences and sleeping issues.

The fact is that both our current homes are too small to allow us all to stay under one roof, so any sleeping over would be while the children from the other family weren't there. This is near impossible too because of working hours and childcare (or lack of!).

On one hand it feels insurmountable and an extraordinarily long time to be living a life that's barely adequate IMO, and on the other why miss out on the time together/go our separate ways until it's 'the right time' when we do want to be together.

It's interesting that posters here have favoured 'not to blend' and hopefully that will help my mindset and give me some acceptance of the idling state I feel we're in - seeing each other a couple of times a month, and very slim chance of me actually progressing to SM (or even being known about!) any time soon.

@StarryNight468 - good luck with the chat! Keep us posted, & remember no matter what the outcome, there are those of us on here who have your back - at least in a virtual sense

I’ll second what @Magda72 says, those of us here can hear you and totally have your back. We’re here for you. I hope he hears what dss needs and can see the benefit for all. In my exDP case he could sort of hear and nod along but underneath a whole other more ingrained messy dynamic lurked. Which needed work.

Good luck for the chat

That's tough @frankiefirstyear because you are looking at a LONG time before you can live together if that's your end goal.

The issue about a lack of introduction is perhaps a different one. Apologies if you've already been through this on here but how long have you been with DP and what is current situation in terms of either sets of kids meeting you/DP?

@harriethoyle we've been together since February but had a brief split when his eldest got upset about him having a gf. Before that we spoke romantically throughout 2020 and have known each other years but were in relationships with others.

Basically since the upset of the eldest nothing has progressed in terms of having 'the talk' with his children (though he has said a few times he's going to - but never does). We now have no contact if he has his DC, which is about 60% of the time.

My DC too young to really know what's going on and would absolutely tell tales to her dad who's abusive, so don't want my DC knowing anything until things are solid and I've actually got the physical support of my bf or something more 'real' than what we have now.

It is a mess from both sides and extremely difficult when I find my loneliness exasperated by the fact I have now found someone I want to be with (in a physical sense of togetherness and not just a label of bf/gf but spending such little time together).

Well our talk has not gone well at all. He has blamed me for everything, has said his sons anxiety is my fault/I've made it worse, dss behaviour is because of copying my dc - then backtracked when I pointed out my dc don't ever act like his does so now it's their fault as dss shows off in front of them.

I apparently should be more understanding that his son feels he has lost his dad to me (this hasn't been mentioned before) and I'm still an awful person who all his friends and family think is jealous.

We set out an agenda to go through before we started talking and all we spoke about was about all the things I do wrong. My agenda items were constructive, like - how do we talk better and argue less, how do we get on the same team with dc. He used my past against me and said I've brought my own step child issues to the relationship.

I'm so upset. I've gone to the sofa to sleep as I just can't be around him. Either I really am properly fucked up and have caused his son anxiety (just my presence does this apparently) or its all got turned around on me. Either way I've said again I want a divorce and told him he should put his son first and move out ASAP as me and my dc are so awful.

@StarryNight468 firstly I'm so bloody sorry. It sounds like DH is projecting his guilt on to you for your existence and not taking to accountability for his emotions.

I'm sending a massive squeeze to you via the internet.

You haven't caused DSCs anxiety, it's been caused most likely from his Disney dading and refusing to set normal healthy boundaries so DSC never knows where the line is and kids like to know where the line is.

I would suggest some therapy for you to help you get through this time, sounds like DP has been assigning you a lot of the blame and that can take its toll mentally. Even if it's just a safe space to just breath away from the 🔔 end.

Some of the girls on here will have better advice than me I'm sure but didn't want to leave this post unanswered. I hope you have gotten some sleep xxx

@StarryNight468 oh, that sounds so brutal, having all that aimed squarely at you. Where is this man’s humility? That must have felt very bruising and I imagine you are angry? I would be.

I hope you slept. At least a bit. We are here.

@StarryNight468
Your update doesn't surprise me at all, having read your previous posts with a slack jaw.
Your husband is a very inadequate husband/father/person and he's made your next few moves alot easier to see than they might have been.
You and your DC deserve to be free of this pish, and very soon you will be. He, however, will always be stuck with himself if he is incapable of honest self reflection. At least you know you tried

@StarryNight468 I have no skin in this (disclaimer - not a SM, am a SC, usually think the DH is the issue in SM problems).

I think your DH is projecting as he knows his parenting is totally inadequate. If he feels his DC anxiety is due to you then why is he there? Why didn’t he put his DC first and move out? If you didn’t bring up issues he would have coasted along right?

He is a shit father and he knows it.

Im sorry you are dealing with this, and I’m sure you probably could have done some things better (you are human, it’s rare one party is totally blameless) but he has totally fucked up with his DC and is delusional to put this on you.

Says a lot about him as a person actually. There’s an issue so it must be someone else’s fault.

And fuck anyone who has anything to say, I’d remind each and every single one that if you are so bad he really did fail his child by having you around them (ie, this isn’t on you).

Big love @StarryNight468 - from an outsiders perspective you are definitely NOT the problem unlike your "D"H...

@StarryNight468 Another hug from me. Might be a bit late, but useful whichever way you jump:

www.amazon.co.uk/Crucial-Conversations-Talking-Stakes-Second/dp/0071771328?tag=mumsnetforu03-21

Thank you everyone.

Well I didn't go to sleep until 3ish, we rowed more and then I told him through tears how I feel so full of resentment towards him for not supporting me in my step parent role. He didn't like what I had to say but he did listen for once

And it's true I am just full of pent of resentment and bitterness. I can't just shrug off the lack of support around dss lies and attitude. When my own dc piss me off I can do something about it but I've bottled up everything because I can't say to H "your son is being an asshole" when he is. I also feel so full of resentment because dss has obvious loyalty binds, anxiety, control issues ect and H doesn't recognise the impact of it on me. I told him if I was a mum struggling I'd have loads of support and understanding, but as a stepmum you're judging me, becoming defensive and making out like I'm the bad guy in all of this. It's also so frustrating that he doesn't take steps to help dss but allows it to continue and get worse.

We're going to continue talking this afternoon so I'll keep you updated.

@StarryNight468

It may be helpful to stress that he would have exactly the same problems regardless of who he chose to spend his life with. He takes himself with him and the problems are tied up with dynamics of stepparenting. It may free him up if he can realise that much of what is going on is situational rather than personal. Once you understand that your problems are common to all stepfamilies, you can park the defensiveness and concentrate on finding solutions.

Well done @StarryNight468. That sounds like a tough and very emotional conversion. I do hope your husband is taking all you are saying, feeling and showing to heart and that he has the emotional intelligence to listen and change for the positive so that you ALL have a happier future.

Here's a hug 🤗 for you. 🌹

He's not listening, he's secretly recording me and going tit for tat. I'm saying I cannot go on like this and he's pointing out things I've done that he cannot go on with. I'm trying to say that's fine, we can talk about that but can we go issue by issue and not tit for tat and he's just shutting me down. The final straw of the conversation is that I'm trying to explain how he hasn't supported me but he's not getting what I mean and said he's going to give me one more chance to explain it. I've told him that's not helpful that he's shut the conversation down like that and have come into my bedroom.

I feel like I'm banging my head against a brick wall over and over again. It's so frustrating to not be heard, be belittled and made to be the bad guy in this.

Sounds like he's stonewalling you. There's some stuff on it on the relate website that might help you feel less like your being gaslighted/going mad.

I'm sorry your going through this I really am

Did I read that right? He’s secretly recording you? Why?

@StarryNight468 it's definitely not you. My EXDP used to tell me similar. It's the guilt of being so inept talking, nothing to do with you.

Any bad behaviour from my EXDP's DS was attributed to me by him. This despite all of his family mentioning to me privately about 2 years into our relationship that DSS behaviour had improved enormously since I'd been on the scene.

After 7 years of being together, I now feel a huge sense of relief that I'm no longer constantly fighting that narrative.

@StarryNight468 such an awful situation to be in, can't add anything more than pp but sending huge handhold for this terrible time! What you said (him moving out if you're that bad) was such a good thing to say in response to all his blame shifting.

I'm not sure now if he did record me, he wound me right up a couple of weeks ago and then when I retaliated on his threat to leave by taking his clothes out the wardrobe and shouting back he started recording me and said if I threw him and his stuff out he'd show the police and be let back in. When I watched the recording it was blatantly obvious what he was doing, still wasn't a very nice threat and nothing I said was abusive.

We've talked then argued then talked then argued. I'm absolutely exhausted and nothing I say gets through to him. What started the above row was a hypothetical situation in which he borrowed his mates campervan to go camping with and he said " Haha I'll be in a proper bed and my son sleeps with me if we're camping" I said back, that's a bit spiteful to say that and then the next morning when dc went to school he said he wanted an apology from me for making him feel bad about a hypothetical situation and until I give the apology he doesn't want to hear anything else from me. I refused, he told me to fuck off, I told him to fuck off, he said he was going too.

We started arguing about that again as I brought it up as an example of how not to argue. He said I patronise him and talk to him like I'm a counsellor and it was a joke. I said it really wasn't funny to me, he knows full well how the displacement makes me feel and I don't understand if it was a joke why he didn't just say shit sorry starry.

Anyway, it's not just that we have argued over. It's absolutely everything and he's agreed to move out. He has agreed before and then backtracked. I really feel like our relationship is utterly awful and what I'm asking from him isn't unreasonable but if he isn't able to give it to me then thats OK, let's call it a day before even more bitterness and resentment seeps in. I know he's now agreed to the split but I also know in the morning he's going to turn it back round on me again and not move out. I don't really know what to do tbh. He's not actually abusive (he has flicked me before and does shout but not abusive in that the police would remove him, plus I feel that would be a bit over the top, I just want him to leave but he says he has to save up money for a deposit and find somewhere suitable for his son to stay before he moves - although he could stay with his nan in her 3 bed house).

Argh it's a proper mess. I don't actually want a divorce either, I just want support from him and for him to see my perspective on how he makes me feel and not continue to make me feel like it. I know though that I'm never going to get that and I'm never going to be happy with him and the way he communicates and parents.

@StarryNight468 your h sounds very like my exh.
I suffered a lot of emotional & verbal abuse at the hands of my exh. Now I'm not saying my exh is an abusive man per se, but within the context of our relationship he WAS abusive. He is a manipulator by nature but he doesn't appear to be abusive with anyone else & we have a civil/decent relationship now we are no longer married.
People here will say you're either an abuser or your not but I think there does exist a grey area. Whatever dynamic my exh & I had going on & whatever our relationship triggered in him, made him abusive in the context of our relationship. Divorce truly did become our only option as he just would not listen to me. At all. He just did not want to hear my side of anything and he gaslighted (gaslit?) me endlessly to the point that I doubted every feeling I had. Our relationship was toxic & we were very bad for one another.
I don't know if divorce is what you guys need (I suspect it is but obviously I don't know you both), but it really does sound like you need a break from each other to regroup & see what lies ahead.
Him threatening to leave but then 'changing' his mind is a big red flag & that sort of behaviour is emotionally abusive & exhausting.
I'm not sure what the laws are like in the UK but can you 'force' him to leave.
Your h could just be abusive, or he could be someone who is deeply unhappy & does not have the maturity to express himself properly or effectively - but whichever, YOU need a break from him & he needs to understand this in no uncertain terms. You need a break from him to order your thoughts & to fully realise that you are NOT in the wrong feeling what & how you feel - no matter what he says.
Hope you manage some rest tonight .

Also - recording anyone in any context without their consent is wrong, threatening, & yes, abusive.
End of.

What’s the financial situation with the house? What will it look like, separating assets?

Sorry to be so cold. It’s just this really does sound like check-mate. One of you needs to change the record and he sounds like he isn’t brave enough to call it. So many men will just not even take responsibility for ending a relationship (IME).

It feels a lot like the conversations I had with exDP. He just could not ‘hear’ what I was saying about protecting myself from his dd’s behaviours (‘daddy look at my colouring’ - aged 20).

I was desperate and felt trapped and exhausted and hurt and drained by circular communication. Til I realised, I was doing it to myself. That ‘trapped’ is a state of mind. And I decided it was time to release us both to be the people and parents we choose to be.

I realise of course you are married and share assets. Can you contact a solicitor? Start getting ducks in a row? Change the record?

I am sending you so many hugs

And hope you’ve slept. I’m still in shock from my split (hence on MN again after the millionth time waking at 5am). But I am here for a handhold.

@StarryNight468 I always find it interesting what people say as a "joke" usually has some type of testing the waters element and truth to it. Sounds like his mentally is literally well if we go camping it's me and DC and you can sleep idc and he knows this would hurt you. He also knew that "joke" wouldn't be funny but that's generally his mentality and he feels entitled to have it and that you should put up and shut up, why you making such a big deal ect - and that is so wrong.

A person doesn't have to be abusive per say for a situation to be abusive, and he's stonewalling you right the way into madness because you being mad means he can justify pretty much all of it.
I'm so very sorry.

I do worry where else this entitled behaviour shows up (money wise ? Aka blows money on whatever) it definitely showed up when he was recording you saying you couldn't kick him out.

I would start making a exit plan and creating financial nest egg for leaving. Even if you decide you won't having separate savings is a good idea. Preferably in cash at someone else's house that you trust. Not at bank where he can get his hands on it if you divorce.

Check credit score and any credit that's been taken out and in who's name (my friend had shock of her life when her ex had taken out thousands in both their names and therefore jointly liable - her ex signed her name and no way to prove it wasn't her to try and keep her).

Things you find valuable take somewhere safe, rage is a funny thing and your stuff will be targeted when the penny drops that you won't live like this.

Speak to someone, any particularly very sharp friends (not mutual) that can give you a head up to any blind areas you may have ? I know my friends pointed a few things for me to do I hadn't even thought about. If the house is solely in his name, you can get something with the land registers which means he can't put the house in anyone else's name as your married and entitled to do it.

I wish I had some better advice op xxxx