A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

Oh just to add, he's resident with us, and his mum has just downsized her house so when he stays there now it's a sofa bed in the front room - so he doesn't go anymore, meaning me and DP don't even get every other weekend to ourselves to compose ourselves and carry on.

@LindaEllen Bloody hell, where is the tough love for this kid??

Good luck @Vie8126 and hope your dc are ok!

@Lena007 thank you, me and my dc had a bloody day in the sea and it being just the 3 of us. The 5 of us also had a nice beach day yesterday. My cousin came down to join us for the day and taught my dc how to surf! Dss also went in the sea for the first time and did body boarding in the shallow bit. I'm quite sad as I didnt get to see my dc surf as dh rented surf boards for him and my dc and I looked after dss. Dh also slept with dss not me as dss was very nervous about camping. Not going to lie, when I woke up in the morning and saw dh cuddling dss and stroking his head, like he normally does for me, I did feel jealous. I know its a normal emotion to feel in step families but its pretty shit. My dh also used to sleep with dss before I came along, that changed pretty sharpish but they moved in with me, i didn't use to stay round there's when dss was there or I probably would have been relegated too!

Also the sleeping arrangements issues with some nrp - in any normal family dc mostly sleep in their own rooms in our cultural norms. They may get in their parents bed in the middle of the night but they have a bed time and their own bed. It isn't always like that in step families and feeling displaced as a spouse for someone else's child isn't going to be a nice feeling for whoever is that unlucky person.

Can I join in please?

I was looking for somewhere to vent about the entitled brattish behaviour of my step daughters. They are both mid 20s I have only known them as adults, and they are driving me nuts.

Eldest step daughter has just moved into new home but has left bags of her shit at our house. I cannot get into our spare bedroom and our freezer is still full of her crap food. She expects DH to look after her home, now her lawn etc , because she is not capable of mowing her own lawn. She is morbidly obese, and basically lies on her sofa watching love island. But at least our house is clean now she has moved out.

The other Step daughter is due to get married. I offered to help with catering, flowers and hall decorations as I have trained in these areas. But she immediately went bridezilla. One friend can’t be a bridesmaid because she is too ugly for the photo, another family member is ‘too council’, and she wants animals at the wedding regardless of what stress that might mean for the animals.

Plus they were both incredibly disrespectful to their dad too. Their mum died a few years ago so their dad indulges them and let’s them get away with it.

It’s making me question everything.

@StarryNight468 thank you my DC are fine thankfully and have escaped isolation covid free thank god. Their dad, stepmum and stepsister have all now tested positive. Had a few issues with stepmum and her daughter (the same age as my dd) telling my dd that she didn't have tk isolate as she doesn't live with her bigger brother but they do so it wasn't applicable to them. Had to have a swift word with exh to say please refrain from giving unwanted advice that is actually contrary to the rules.

So we didn't have dsd weekend just gone due to my DC in isolation we are now due to have her weekend after this as per the EOW contact schedule however I am booked to be induced on that day. DP is going nuts as the contact weekend after that she goes on holiday with her DM meaning we don't see her until 2nd weekend in September. I had a sweep yesterday and he made no qualms of telling me how he hoped to god it worked so he could see his dd next weekend and that I better hope something happens soon. His already tect me today saying long walk today vie come on need to get this morning I miss my dd. His DM who is toxic as hell, is refusing to have dsd that weekend so he can see her at least on the Friday or if the baby is born and induction is successful so she can come and see her baby brother. Contact arrangements are confirmed by mil on Tuesday so he is saying you have until Tuesday to get this going come on do something no sitting around. Funny enough I am not enjoying being heavily pregnant, in the heat, unable to do much, struggling with pelvic pain, not seeing anyone due to Covid rates but can't do anything more!! I just feel like he is stressing me out!!

I'm glad you had a nice time at the weekend it really makes such a difference.

@Worldgonecrazy welcome, no advice but that sounds awful for you. Can your DH give her a time line for her stuff to be out of your house? She has her own space and house now I understand it takes a while to move but her stuff should be with her.

@Vie8126 thank you for the welcome. I will try the timeline approach but expect the shit will still be there at Christmas.

Step families are so tricky to navigate.

At least DH and my daughter get on well, at least until we have to negotiate those teenage years!

@Worldgonecrazy there are far more experienced ladies here who will be around to offer top a star advice that will likely work more than mine!

Yes my DP gets on well with my DC my 16 year old does his own thing. He tends to class a little more so now with my dd whose coming up to 13 when the teenage attitude kicks in. He seems to think it's a special tone reserved jusy for him but I keep telling him he isn't that special and we all get the teenage rudeness!!

@Worldgonecrazy I have no words. Honestly some people!
Stay out of the wedding arrangements - your headspace will be all the better for it.
As for the other one? Personally I'd round up all her stuff and drop it off at hers!
@Vie8126 - good luck with everything this week. Again I've no words but try to not let your dp's daft behaviour get to you. What is wrong with these men who have the sensitivity of a brick?

I hope it all works out @Vie8126 and you have the birth you want and need.

@Worldgonecrazy hiya and welcome! I'd stick her stuff outside tbh and book a waste removal guy and tell her when he's coming. Does your dh acknowledge their behaviour at all?

Hi all, I'm hoping to join in please, looking for advice and a bit of a hand hold navigating the first stages of telling/meeting the children.

I've/we've never been in this position so might be quite naive about things sorry in advance!

My bf and I have been together 5 months, but chatting romantically throughout lockdown, and know each other for years beforehand. After a month or so of physically dating his DC 10,7 heard us on the phone and one was so upset that bf ended the relationship briefly til things calmed down. Since this we have been very careful about scheduling calls and text so to keep it a secret. So this is where we are now. Our dating opportunity is so limited due to my lack of childcare for my 4 yo (who also has no idea of the relationship) and his 50/50 arrangement and working full time.

I have issues with my ex so keeping things secret is fine with me to some degree to delay the ruckus that he will undoubtedly cause, but on the flip side it's a very 'unreal' relationship when we can only see each other once or twice a month.

Can anyone offer any sort of advice to avoid another major upset to his DC, any advice about how to have 'the talk' with them - I think it needs to be made clear that there will be no moving in together/care giving etc and that an odd park date or meal together is as intrusive as it will get.
Am I on the right track there? His exW is apparently fine with us so hopefully she will offer support and blessing too.
Is it too soon for even telling them?

I feel totally out of my comfort zone here and I've never dated since being a mum, never previously dated anyone with children either. Don't want to mess it up and lose him. Striving to make everyone happy.

@frankiefirstyear I would say that their dad needs to talk to them and prepare them for the fact that he will be dating and that this is a normal part of adult life, reassure them too obviously. Even if you end up taking things slowly in terms of spending time with them, he should not be having to lie about it or hide it from them. They just need some parental chats.

I’m so glad I have found this thread. I’m so tired of reaching out for help or a hand hold and being told I’m unreasonable and worse.

My story is a bit different. I didn’t know DH had another child. Neither did he. Until years later after we were married with kids ex dropped bomb shell that she had his child. Said child has now found us and it’s turned into the biggest shit show you can imagine. I don’t recognise my husband and really resent the whole thing. SC is manipulative and jealous ( late teens) . Even when I have gone above and beyond to accommodate their every wish even to the detriment to my own feelings or my children feelings. I have been used as an emotional punching bag and have been verbally attacked for the last 18 months. Before this we were solid.
Covid has ment I am trapped in this situation.

Now I just look at the whole thing and think what’s the point? I don’t like SC. I don’t like the person DH has become. I find myself looking back over the years and picking apart our relationship. I resent him. I am desperately unhappy but can’t talk about how I feel because he blows up. I am struggling that in the last 2 years we have gone from rock solid to this... verge of divorce. I’m currently squirrelling money away so i can just leave with the kids. I have been to view houses in secret. He can keep it all. I have no issue in leaving him with everything. There is so much to this story but scared of being outed if I say any more. I just need some courage.

[quote aSofaNearYou]@LindaEllen Bloody hell, where is the tough love for this kid??[/quote]
Tough love like what? What can we actually do with a 17yo who does what he wants, when he wants, and refuses to change?

@Walkingalone21 that sounds so tough for you and your dc. I hope you find peace.

Hi, I've come here for a bit of support/advice and have read through all of your situations and I am really amazed by all of your strength in some very complex and challenging situations
I'm married to my DH for 2 years and he has two DD 12&14 and he has roughly 50/50 care however, as they have got older they tend to pick and choose how long they stay with us now which I find hard to deal with esp as it changes 5 mins before they are supposed to go back to their mum. As much as I care for them, I do need my space and time alone with my DH. I clearly can't ask my DH for them to leave, this is their home and I certainly don't want them to feel pushed out but I just like to know when I get time for myself etc
I've also found myself getting quite frustrated with their lack of respect for the house. We've recently moved and refurbed and we prioritised them making sure they have their own nice bedroom and within 6 weeks, carpets been stained, furniture stained etc. I appreciate that they are kids and accidents happen but it's the same discussions over and over again and it's really wearing me down. They are not "bad" children, just messy and show a lack of respect in that they need to keep their things clean and tidy and clean up after themselves. They are not little anymore and need to have responsibilities around the home in terms of chores but they just choose to ignore this. I've spoken with DH stating that he needs to lead this with them not me, I am not their mum and I can't be the one always nagging and reminding them. I sometimes think that my DH takes this as I have a problem with them which I don't, if I had my own child I would expect the same from them!
I think I am internalising their lack of respect as personally to me- I'm not sure! Any advice would be helpful!

Having a bit of a rubbish step parenting day having something just dawned on me.

We have 4 DC between us (2 each). DP’s DC are from different DM’s.

When it’s just my DC here or when it’s my DC plus eldest DSC I feel like we are pretty well blended, we act like a whole family and we do things together as a whole family. However when the youngest DSC also comes I feel like we are really divided like 2 separate families.

I think the fact that DP didn’t introduce youngest DSC until much later than the eldest meant those same bonds weren’t formed. They can be quite a difficult child at times too which makes it that little bit harder. Also I think youngest DSC’s mum has not entirely moved on, and so there is some guilt there around her being on her own and I think she probably pushes this more onto DP than he lets me know. She was reluctant for DSC to have any involvement in family life with us which also plays a part in it I think.

I think it’s just dawned on me a bit how this feels as both DSC have been here together and my DC are currently with their other parent, and I just felt like a complete outsider.

It’s very strange and it’s weird flirting between the 2 things of being blended and then not.

Just wondered if anyone had an my experience of this?

I admit I have backed off with DSC due to feeling like this and also because I feel my previous efforts to be more involved are pointless as DSCs mum does not like it so there always comes a point when I am then pushed back, only example I can think of is if I attend a club with DP and DSC each week but then their mum also wants to attend one week, I then wouldn’t be able to. So I’ve withdrawn myself to avoid those situations because I don’t agree with it.

@Blendiful I feel like an outsider when my dc aren't around too! I never feel like it with family/friends and their dc when mine aren't there.. dh doesn't get it.

@sunset156 I've heard similar complaints from other step parents. I didn't have the same issues, but I do refuse to pick up after dss and it was one of the reasons why we got a cleaner. Dh gets annoyed when he notices the mess, but isn't consistent in supporting dss to tidy up so he pays for the cleaner the majority of the time. If I do ever pick up stuff I just dump it in his bed. He complains but dh doesn't like his mess either so on that I'm pretty backed up. If I was you I'd pay for a cleaner and use dh bank account to set up the direct debit. Fuck cleaning it yourself and if your dh won't, then he can pay for it.

@StarryNight468 thanks for the tips! I love your attitude towards it!!! you're right! I have given up doing all that now but I just find it so incredibly frustrating all the same! It ends up making me have feelings of resentment towards them which is not a nice feeling and I really don't want to have a difficult relationship with them. On the weekend, she was moaning to a family member about me talking about how her life is so hard etc (teenage drama!) but was supposed to return to her Mum on Sunday but is still here, so she can't be that unhappy! I then end up getting judged by externals and I just take it all so personally

@sunset156 I would take that personally too. I think all you can do is only do what you're happy to do and detach from the rest. Not your kid, not your problem. It's letting go of the family you hoped you'd be and practising self care. I'm saying this like I've achieved it! I haven't!

It’s crazy reading through this thread all the rubbish SM’s have to put up with.

I know I am not perfect, exH really does my head in sometimes. But I don’t take it out on his GF my DC’ SM.

My DC’s report to me that she’s ‘alright’ they aren’t particularly close but they like her well enough and from what I can see/get told she does a fair bit for them, so that’s all good with me. I have no problems speaking to her on a basic level, hello/goodbye how are you etc. And as long as she is nice to my DC that’s all I want. I can’t envisage trying to make her life difficult as I really don’t see how that would benefit my kids!?

Their SM has no DC of her own yet, but I think they will have a child together and I hope that her relationship with my DC remains the same and that they love their sibling when/if it comes along.

I just don’t get the hostility thrown around towards some SM’s. Particularly by the exes. I don’t want my exH, hence he is an ex! And so I’m glad he’s moved on and picked someone decent.

@Walkingalone21 that sounds so unbelievably difficult. Sending you a virtual hug.
@Blendiful & @StarryNight468 I used to feel that too when exdp & his dc were here. They just took over the whole house. It's so hard to explain because I too never felt like that with family, friends or even my dc's friends. I still can't pinpoint what it was but I think it was possibly just the underlying air of hostility towards me they had. It was like they were trying to prove that this was THEIR dad's house and not mine (even though it was actually my house) & that they could do/watch/eat what they wanted when here - to the detriment of me & my dc.

Underlying air of hostility sums it up well @Magda72

Well I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and have come to the conclusion to divorce dh. This life isn't making me happy, dss is coming round for 4 nights and I did a lft earlier hoping that it would be positive. It's not fair on me or dss to live like this. I know it's because of the dynamics with dh, ex, dss and me as when I was with dc dad and his dc I didnt have these issues.

Dh and his ex are now making me the scapegoat for dss anxiety and issues and I'm not prepared to be the fall guy. Dh says that I snap at dss and I'm not very nice to him. I probably do snap a bit, it's hard not to when the parentification is going on. He wants me to apologise for saying to dh at 3 in the morning that dss should be asleep and not patting dh back when he was coughing. I'm not doing it anymore, its the final straw. I've tried explaining to dh that if he supported me and we were a team around the dc and dss wasn't in the partner/decision making position in our relationship we'd be ok but that I can't continue to be with him whilst I'm displaced. We went to test drive a car a week or so ago and dh apologised to dss and asked him if it was OK if he sat in the back on the test drive.. dss didn't even expect to sit in the front! I just can't take it anymore, our relationship has been ruined because of dh parenting issues. He blames me and says I'm over sensitive to rejection because of my childhood, that may be so but I'm still not and won't be happy even if it is me with the issues. He's blaming me for being childish for refusing to look after dss by myself, I've asked him to work out whether I'm A - a monster who is mean to his son and if so why would he leave dss with me, B - a bit more brisk and no nonsense in our parenting styles or C - someone who is really struggling with the difficult dynamics and feeling unsupported. He couldn't explain why if I'm A he would leave his son with me alone even though I have told him on a number of occasions that I won't have dss on my own because of the stories he makes up..

None of the above really matters anyway. I am not supported by dh in regards to his son and now I'm being made out to be a monster because I've snapped and said a sentence or two a couple of times a bit briskly. I've not shouted, screamed or been scary. Dh will not listen to me and will not support me to be a happier stepmum so I'm leaving. It's not going to get better.

Dh has said that I'm asking to much emotionally from him and that I'm hard work (as I want to be on the same team as him and I want to be able to talk about our problems instead of being talked at by dh). We've agreed to split up and he's currently house hunting. I feel nothing but relief and cannot wait for him to get out. I will miss my dh, he genuinely is perfect for me in every other way, but I cannot put myself through step parenting anymore.

Oh, @StarryNight468 how sad. I’m sorry. So sorry. It sounds intolerable though.

Do the dc all know? How have yours reacted?

I can’t help but feel he is right about one thing - your’re not ‘asking for too much’ but you are ‘asking for more than he can give’ (ie manage these relationships like a grown up). No doubt his ex is feeding into this, although I don’t know the backstory there.

(in that order)

Why is it so hard

@LatentPhase thank you, we haven't told them yet. I think dh is going to try and talk me around, but I'm not going to give it another go. I'm so miserable about the fighting, I cant keep going on like it. My family, dhs family and my friends all feel that I'm doing the right thing.

Dh is right in that he isn't able to make me happy. He can't make me happy whilst he parents the way he does because of his guilt. I'm not going to be sidelined, displaced and made to feel like I'm the one with the problem anymore. I'm now going to concentrate on getting through this breakup, getting my dc through their GCSEs and doing things that make me happy. Being dss step mum doesn't bring happiness to my life and it's not being offset by dhs support so I'm bailing. Life is too short to be miserable.

And his ex definitely has a lot to do with it. He wasn't demanding that I apologise to dss for saying that he should be asleep until it got back to ex! He can jog right on if he thinks I will apologise because she said so. I'm more than happy for this to be my hill to die on and escape into freedom from the Jeremy Kyle show that has taken over my life.