A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

*I think sometimes people assign themselves the. role of step parent when the other partner thinks of them as a romantic or personal relationship partner. The partner may not always be looking for or needing/wanting someone to share in the parenting role.

Many women particularly seem to make no distinction between girlfriend, significant other, stepparent. Those linking of roles only seem to work in situations where both parties are of that mindset.*

On this forum I actually think it's far more common the other way around- the partner sees themselves as a romantic partner, and the parent expects them to be a third parent for their kids. I see precious few examples where the parent says "no you sit back and relax, you don't have to lift a finger, you're my romantic partner!"

Agree with @aSofaNearYou I definitely do not want to be a third parent to DSS. Happy to be friends with DSS, play games with him, bake, etc when he's with us but no way do I want to be part of the 'extended family' with the ex and do birthdays and School plays, etc. Mind, I won't know what she wants from me until later today 🤣

Oo good luck with today @alwayswrighty

@Tiredoftattler I think different people define what a step parent is. Legally you can be a step parent but not have a close relationship and vice versa. Depends on a multitude of factors with age, contact or living arrangements. I'm legally a step mother but I don't mother dss as he has a dm. If something happened to her and dss came to live with us, and he wanted/needed a 'mother' then of course I would step up and take that role on. As it is, he has a dm and doesn't want or need me to be in a mothering role. My role in his life is to be welcoming and not block his and dhs relationship - whilst integrating him into our family in a way that doesn't step on his dms toes. He needs to feel he belongs in our home, but also he is seperate because he doesn't live with us and I'm not his mum.

Well. I am pleasantly surprises. The ex was actually quite nice.

Still going to keep a safe distance though.

That’s good @alwayswrighty As her DS is autistic I can understand why she wanted to meet you. Well done on going.

@DuchessDarty even if he wasn't I would still understand it. My confusion was more the length of time, but maybe she wanted to see where DH and my relationship went first.

DSS is brilliant, and as much as I don't want to mother him I do want to look out for him and make sure all is well in his world.

I don't really want to get involved in the extended family stuff (plus time off work is very limited) but if DSS really wanted me to join in for a birthday I wouldn't worry about it, I'd do it for him.

Just wondering if any of you have the situation where you get on well with the SC then suddenly they seem a bit off or dont engage with you very much anymore? I give them all space to spend time together just my DP and his kids, and later we do things like eat all together, watch a film/have a walk etc. I feel like we've gone back to square one when things have been fine for 2 years plus...

@Ripley1977

Yeah I’ve had this with my partners DD. She’s loving and trusting and then all of a sudden she will spend a week at her mums and come back and she won’t even look at me when she comes in the door (she pretends not to hear me a lot). But we are used to this on occasion, we have learnt amongst the years that the child has the fear of her mum ingrained in her and the last thing they need is more pressure.

When it happens, I will wait for her to come around, it’s usually within the hour or a few days in extreme circumstances when they know they can trust you again. My partner has tried provoking her hugging me before and it made it 100x worse. Children are smart enough to make their own minds up so if they are being fed a load of trollop at the other parents house, it will most likely be temporary, as soon as they settle and learn that you are not the enemy things go back to normal again.

That’s my two cents anyway! I know she loves me and the last thing she needs is for me to overstep her boundaries and space when she’s been whispered words of fright by her mum. I’ve noticed this happens less often now or she bounces back quicker and it’s because she is left to make her own mind up rather than having both parents pushing her to go one way and the other.

[quote absolutecarnage]@Ripley1977

Yeah I’ve had this with my partners DD. She’s loving and trusting and then all of a sudden she will spend a week at her mums and come back and she won’t even look at me when she comes in the door (she pretends not to hear me a lot). But we are used to this on occasion, we have learnt amongst the years that the child has the fear of her mum ingrained in her and the last thing they need is more pressure.

When it happens, I will wait for her to come around, it’s usually within the hour or a few days in extreme circumstances when they know they can trust you again. My partner has tried provoking her hugging me before and it made it 100x worse. Children are smart enough to make their own minds up so if they are being fed a load of trollop at the other parents house, it will most likely be temporary, as soon as they settle and learn that you are not the enemy things go back to normal again.

That’s my two cents anyway! I know she loves me and the last thing she needs is for me to overstep her boundaries and space when she’s been whispered words of fright by her mum. I’ve noticed this happens less often now or she bounces back quicker and it’s because she is left to make her own mind up rather than having both parents pushing her to go one way and the other.[/quote]
Thanks so much for your reply, I've been stressing about this for a while and wasn't sure what to do, my partner does the same trying to force hugs etc but I've told him it's not helping...I'm going to do the same just give them space - as yes it can take hours or days for DSS especially to come out of it. Thank you again I dont feel so hopeless about it all now

It's so sad, their mum just doesnt care how she affects her children at all aslong as she can mess with everyone's heads and cause as much grief as possible she's happy. Just makes me sick, poor kids

Its loyalty bonds @Ripley1977 it's not that they don't like you, it's the guilt and conflict in their head that they get when they like you.

I know it’s so hard isn’t it, I’ve gone from being mad at my SD for being so rude in my home to being mad at the mother for putting her though it to coming around and realising that anger won’t get me anywhere and it certainly won’t help my SD who is innocent in all of this. Mum will continue to spread lies and hate regardless of how I feel so I might as well relax over it all! She’s not being rude she’s confused and scared but it took time for me to realise that. I know it might feel like you are going backwards but relationships aren’t linear! Besides, it will be strengthened in time once they learn to make up their own minds rather than someone telling them who to like.

Thank you StarryNight, it all gets on top of you sometimes doesnt it. Glad I found mumsnet it's been invaluable

Yes exactly@absolutecarnage Things have been hard lately but reading that things have improved for you and that they do come around eventually I can see a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm gona relax a bit more

This thread has made for informative reading-thankyou ladies. I'm at the very beginning of this process. DP and I have four kids between us, my older ones (early teens) and his two younger ones, 7 and 9. We are in the process of house hunting to move in together having spent the last year gradually having the kids spend some time together-although the difference in ages makes it in some ways easier-we just tend to hang out at each others houses and mine come and go as they would at their ages anyway so it feels quite natural. So far that side of things is fine. But DP has an incredibly vexatious ex wife. The stress for him around that relationship is huge and it's definitely starting to rub off on his kids-just because she puts them in the middle all the time and asks them to choose. It will end up in court unfortunately as neither she or DP can agree contact time and what's reasonable between them.
I spend a lot of time supporting DP with this which I don't mind doing at all, but I am wary about that being in any way the focus of our relationship. I can see her and their toxic relationship causing issues for a long while yet. This thread is definitely food for thought.

@ripley1977
Yes I have had this with the youngest sdc mainly. She would come in and act like I wasn't even there. Not look at me or pretend not to hear me. It just suddenly started one day. She always came around fairly quickly as she'd realise it was me and that she wants to tell me something. But I knew in her mind she was Conflicted after whatever it was she had been told about me. Then they get used to being with you and liking you again and go back to normal. This happened for a while on and off and is thankfully more rare now.
A bit different but when sdcs arrive or are picked up, they would barely say a thing, keep their heads down. But once the door is closed or we have driven off and they know their mum can't see their whole way changes and they chat and laugh and jump up and hug me.
Its so sad they know they can't do that until she cant see. They know it will make her angry or upset to see them in anyway happy at our house. Yet at the same time they are told it is us that is horrible to her. I hope one day when they are grown up they understand that what they were told wasn't the truth.

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile wow that sounds tough. I have been through the court process supporting my dh. It wasn't easy. And I don't have my own children so a different scenario. You will have lots of support here x

@FishyFriday how are you and how have things been?

We have contact this weekend again so this week's dramas have been that due to rising covid rates my DP wanted my DD and DS to go and stay at their dad's until the baby is born (could be any day) I understood his concern currently 120 off in DDs secondary school isolating in one year group all of my friends children (different schools and ages from nursery to secondary) are currently home isolating. When said well obviously your dd won't be coming this weekend then if we do that right he said oh no vie I am still seeing my DD as planned she goes to a smaller infant school and your DD is at secondary it's not the same (it is the same) So we actually did manage a compromise in that he phoned SDD school to ensure any isolation period she could possibly get he will be informed (they have 2 classes of isolating already so his theory was bullshit) and my DD finishes school halfway this week and her and her brother do not have to stay with their DF they can stay at their home. His working again Sunday so SDD off to Mils Sunday mid morning. I have Friday night and Saturday to get through the Disney parenting. Let's see if he listened at all to the facts when she was here last time!

Sounds stressful @Vie8126 I'm glad you reached a compromise. When is your baby due?

Dh is not happy with me atm. We booked, in April, this weekend to go camping. The plan was to 'bunk' the dc off school Friday, go early and have two full days on the beach. Dh was supposed to check with dss dm if that was OK. She did the same thing on a Monday the last time we had nice weather. She text and told him, I said oh thats perfect you can say yes thats fine as long as we can do the same for this Friday. Obviously he didn't do that, or ask her about it till Monday... she's now said no as school is important.. (when it suits her obvs). I havent got annoyed, but I have said that I want to go down early morning with my dc and actually it works out better as he can drive down after the school run with the van and take the majority of the camping stuff. I've even said I'll take the tent and put the bloody tent up so by the time they join us that job will be out of the way.

Dh is not happy at all. He says it's because I make him feel bad for doing things one to one with dss (I if I do, I don't do it on purpose and actively encourage him to take dss out on his own). But it turns out he's mostly annoyed because he will be stuck in traffic getting down to Devon after the school run. He's annoyed at himself for not sorting out the Friday off school and doesn't want to drive the van and be stuck in traffic.

Friday, and the first child free weekend in 6 years ...

@StarryNight468 2 weeks today but I have a sweep on Tuesday and induction booked for my due date. We don't have dsd now as I was too late and my dd does have to isolate. My older son was at my xh with them Friday to Monday and tested positive Tuesday confirmed Wednesday.

@alwayswrighty enjoy!!!

@StarryNight468 I would do exactly the same! Let him be annoyed at his own doing, don't take the blame for it. Let us know how you got on yesterday. Have a nice, relaxing weekend

@Vie8126, @FishyFriday how are you doing?

@alwayswrighty you have a nice weekend too.

I'm still here but have been quiet busy with work and had a court hearing this week. I do have DS who has been completely alienated from me and refusing any contact. It is tough but seems to be a lost battle if your own DS lies to the court and describes situations which never took place in hope to never having to see me again.

Ordered a few books about step parenting, half way through the stepmonster and some tips for the smart stepmum. Real eye opener, especially the stepmonster. A lot to take in so I take time to read them and highlight what I need to remember.

And of course, I could do with a bit of advice from you all lovely step mums on two situations which recently cropped up

The first one is, how do I react when I ask DSD (8) to not to do something when we are at her dad's and she replies to me: 'but that's not even your home' or 'oh dad doesn't need to know about it'? Her dad rents, so do I and we do not live together. This situation took place on Sunday last week. DP was having a shower and I was with DSD in the kitchen, then out of the blue she started trying to climb and sit on the worktop. I've told her not to do this because she can hurt herself. And she comes with this nonsense ' but that's not even your home!'. I mean, what do I say to her then so that it doesnt sound too rude but also she gets a message that I'm not putting up with this? I'm going to speak to DP tomorrow and tell him but first wanted to know what I think about it. And I don't have a clue how to react to this.

The 'dad doesn't have to know about it'. She started saying it when she wanted to have a little secret with me, like she really likes someone, but recently she wants to do things which her dad wouldn't let her to do and we are left alone for 10 mins (headstand is the most recent one). I wouldn't want to be seen as someone who goes to her dad with everything and tells on her, I would want to build a trust between DSD and myself but he line here is so thin. I know most of you would have already been through similar.

And the second one, actually inspired by one of the new threads on this board. DSD is 8 and she still sleeps with her both parents. As much as I dont care what she does when she is at her mum's it starts to annoy me when she is with us. There are nights when I'm at my own flat and DSD sleeps with DP, which is fine, but when I'm with them both I'm actually made to sleep in a spare room. DP's flat has 2 bedrooms, the second bedroom is just used as a spare room. DSD's toys and stuff are in the living room. I suggested making the spare room for DSD so she can have her own place/bed but DP says she doesn't need it. I have put up with sleeping in the spare room for a few months. I thought I wouldn't want to be seen as someone evil and unreasonable who wants to separate dad and daughter. But after all recent power struggles with DSD I start to wonder if by doing this, I don't let DSD know that she is 'in charge'? Have mentioned to DP months ago that DSD is old enough to sleep on her own but he just brushed it off saying that if she wants to sleep with him it means she needs it and in that case he is going to do what she needs.

I can't hep feeling sidelined and a bit lost if what I feel is reasonable and I should just put up with it?

8am on Saturday and I feel like having

Lena007 I do understand its difficult when they're doing something like that it feels awkward to tell them! I would just say what you said, you're worried they'll hurt themselves and it doesn't matter where you are, its irrelevant...it sounds like she's testing you, also I'd say to DP when he's out of the shower can you please remind her not to climb on the kitchen counter (it's for her wellbeing)!
Are you sleeping in a spare room in your own flat sometimes? In your own place if he wants to do that then they should go in the spare room When my DP's kids are here he sleeps in their room with them, I'd not be happy if I was ousted from our room

[quote Lovebug06]@ripley1977
Yes I have had this with the youngest sdc mainly. She would come in and act like I wasn't even there. Not look at me or pretend not to hear me. It just suddenly started one day. She always came around fairly quickly as she'd realise it was me and that she wants to tell me something. But I knew in her mind she was Conflicted after whatever it was she had been told about me. Then they get used to being with you and liking you again and go back to normal. This happened for a while on and off and is thankfully more rare now.
A bit different but when sdcs arrive or are picked up, they would barely say a thing, keep their heads down. But once the door is closed or we have driven off and they know their mum can't see their whole way changes and they chat and laugh and jump up and hug me.
Its so sad they know they can't do that until she cant see. They know it will make her angry or upset to see them in anyway happy at our house. Yet at the same time they are told it is us that is horrible to her. I hope one day when they are grown up they understand that what they were told wasn't the truth.

@theworldsbiggestcrocodile wow that sounds tough. I have been through the court process supporting my dh. It wasn't easy. And I don't have my own children so a different scenario. You will have lots of support here x[/quote]
Thank you for your reply lovebug, I had been taking things personally for a while, now realising it's much more common than I thought it's really helped me to relax about it and just be their when they come around we had a nice night last night and it took alot less time for them to relax too :)

Argh *there not their

@Ripley1977

Just wondering if any of you have the situation where you get on well with the SC then suddenly they seem a bit off or dont engage with you very much anymore? I give them all space to spend time together just my DP and his kids, and later we do things like eat all together, watch a film/have a walk etc. I feel like we've gone back to square one when things have been fine for 2 years plus...

I'm kind of in this situation - but it's not just me he's off with, it's his dad as well.

He's 17 and I've lived here for 4 years. We used to get on really well, but in the last year things have been strained - I think because we're all spending a lot more time at home together than we would have done before.

It's highlighted how lazy he is, and how all he wants to do is play on the computer. He did very little college work, turned his games console on first thing in the morning, and stayed on it until we turned the internet off at night (we can't sleep with him screaming at his game in the next room). Since leaving college (we will find out for sure if he's failed in a few weeks but we don't see how he can have passed) he's got a job that gives him two 8 hour shifts a week, but he genuinely thinks that because he's working, he doesn't have to do ANYTHING at home. I mean, it's not like me and his dad work full time and still cook/clean/wash/tidy is it?!!

So he'll get up, turn the computer on, start playing. Comes down for food once a day. If he's working he will get up to game before his shift (even if it's stupidly early like 6am and wakes us up) and then within 5 minutes of coming home he's back online again. Probably less than 5 minutes actually. He leaves mess round the house, does nothing to be helpful, pays for nothing. Goes out with his friends on very very very rare occasions. You're talking less than once every three months.

It's causing so much stress and such an atmosphere between us all. I hate saying it but I hate living here. Part of me just wants to move out, but I love my partner, and even though DSS is being a dick at the moment I do actually care about him too .. I just don't know what the answer is.

Me and DP thought his life would change when he went to uni, but he was rejected from all he applied to, and his college tutors have made it clear he'll struggle to get a place even through clearing - and I don't think he's interested anymore anyway!