A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

Oh yes, that’s a perfectly decent hill to die on. Bless you. And well done for choosing to exit this miserable scenario.

Stepmum cafe is open all hours for you. It’s now serving alcohol we have crisps and nuts too.

@StarryNight468
I feel so sad for you but it does sound like you’re doing the right thing. It’s one thing having the ex or your DSS trying to scapegoat you but if your husband doesn’t have your back then it must be so incredibly hard.
Good luck

Thank you! And I'm really not a monster for telling dh that his son should be asleep at 3am am I?

@StarryNight468

Thank you! And I'm really not a monster for telling dh that his son should be asleep at 3am am I?

Er. No.

@StarryNight468 absolutely not!

Thank you, even my absolute darling MIL thinks dh treats dss like a possession and a partner rather than a child. There's just a slight doubt in me that I really am the horrible one in all this

I can relate to you 100%@StarryNight468
It’s tough. X

I can also relate. I’ve just finished with DP after 5 years. Because of his failure to parent/have a backbone with his dd who is 20 but emotionally very childlike and manipulative. I too was the bad guy: it just wasn’t fair. I’d had enough. You’re not alone, @StarryNight468

Hope you're ok @LatentPhase I'm sure it's a bittersweet relief

Sorry to hear about your relationship breakdowns @StarryNight468 and @LatentPhase, mine went earlier this year for similar reasons, although there were other issues as well.

It's funny how when situations at your house get back to the DCDM, they (the "primary" family) form a wall against the DSM and suddenly you the DSM are the bad guy.

I remember once asking my EXDSS to take his plate to the kitchen and wash it up, which EXDP knew all about. He didn't want to do it, so cried, and I left it. By the time it got back to his DM, apparently I was forcing him to clean up after the whole house, and EXDP had now changed his time, and was saying I shouldn't have asked him to do it!

I gave up on the late bedtimes thing long before that though. From the age of about 6, my EXDSS was regularly allowed to stay up past 11pm, and at 11 was going to bed past 1am. I just left EXDP to it, as he was clearly happy with not establishing bedtime restrictions for his DC.

The thing about being a DSM in a relationship with a guilt-ridden and/or Disney Dad is that they really struggle to see how their DC behaviour and the way they react to it can impact the whole house. Never mind if has other DC who live in the same house, the NR DC seem to be all important . That wasn't a dynamic I wanted my DC (who are also EXDP DC) to grow up with, so now all his DC are NR, and I pity the next lady who walks into that disaster as he's unable to do any kind of self-reflection.

There's just a slight doubt in me that I really am the horrible one in all this
@StarryNight468 no you're absolutely not.
I spent years ignoring my gut re exdp & the dynamics between him & his exw & dc. I kept telling myself that I was the problem; that my standards for parenting were too high. I was so busy trying to be 'fair' & trying to see things from everybody else's point of view (exdp's, the dc, the ex) that I lost myself in the process.
I shut down the voice in me that just knew this wasn't right; that knew that my dc didn't behave this way despite also having divorced parents; that my nieces & nephews didn't behave this way; that none of my friends dc or my dc's friends behaved this way.
I listened to exdp excuse them time & time again on the grounds of them having divorced parents & a present but not so engaged mother.
I came out of every argument about Parenting believing I was too strict on behaviour & too soft on things like work ethics etc.; that I didn't understand boys (despite having 2 of my own); that I couldn't possibly understand the hardship of being an nrp. But this was all stuff exdp was saying to me - basically gaslighting my feelings to 'prove' himself right - & I was being scapegoated for the fall out from his previous relationship.
Well the proof is in the pudding and all that. My dc are working, doing great at uni & school, have good relationships and lots of friends so my parenting can't have been that off!
People, especially on here, will tell you he's entitled to parent whatever way he likes & while that is true if you feel it's damaging you, your relationship & your household dynamics then you don't have to like it, agree with it or tolerate it.
Your dh is a very foolish man & I said same to my exdp at the end. Not many women would put up with these behaviours long term & their dc will not be there to share their lives on a daily basis as they get older & they will end up lonely old men desperately waiting for the grandkids to visit.
You've done the right thing for yourself in standing your ground and you are absolutely not being horrible.

It's funny how when situations at your house get back to the DCDM, they (the "primary" family) form a wall against the DSM and suddenly you the DSM are the bad guy.
Spot on!

The thing about being a DSM in a relationship with a guilt-ridden and/or Disney Dad is that they really struggle to see how their DC behaviour and the way they react to it can impact the whole house. Never mind if has other DC who live in the same house, the NR DC seem to be all important .
Also spot on @Starseeking

My dss isn't badly behaved in a traditional way - he's a very confused little boy trapped between his parents conflict and his dads anxieties which leads him to tell stories and manipulate. The only 'bad' behaviour he ever exhibits is answering back - and I can't stand answering back in any child.

When his dad isn't around (before I refused to have him by myself) he was a 'normal' 8yr old, happy, engaged ect. He also doesn't think I'm a monster, he regularly asks me to play card games/make playdough/watch a film/go to the park ect. The whole issue is around H and his exclusion and guilt dynamics he has going on. I've been thinking more this morning and I'm 100% doing the right thing, H does things like makes him and dss a bowl of fruit/lunch and doesn't ask my dc if they want any, but yet I always make dss food when I make my dc food and wouldn't dream of not doing it. Those sort of exclusions don't make dss feel happy or special to his dad, they make him feel different, separated and like he doesn't belong. I also then feel resentful that H keeps up with the seperate shit and parentification, which again does not make his son happy. Dh tries to make dss happy so much that dss rejects him as he feels smothered.

He told me last night that the reason he was grumpy Sunday and Monday was that he had a horrible feeling in his tummy because he was staying with his grandad instead of an extra night with us, and he wanted to stay with his grandad but felt bad about dad knowing that as he knew his dad wanted him to stay with us rather than grandad.. my H really has fucked up his child.

@Magda72 well done on raising your dc so they're smashing life! You're ex is definitely the fool, like mine!

Thank you, he can totally do him whilst parenting but it has damaged our relationship and isn't fair on my dc so he can get gone.

Just checking in with everyone. Been manic busy at work last month, not that it'll let up much this month but hey ho.

Been to see my exDP today. Returned a load of his belongings which had been residing in my house. Amazing how he is so ingrained in my life. But I’m not integrated into his. On top of that dd and his dd are meeting up this week (that has never happened before independently but was a prior engagement). Am anxious about his dd being boundary-less and saying something or wanting to discuss me and exDP. All I can do is support my daughter. Am very knackered from grieving and ‘being strong’. Which is such a bore. I’m tired of always being ‘the strong one’. exDP is going to counselling to address his people pleasing and his parenting. But am not holding out any hope of him turning anything around. My heart is heavy. how is everyone else? I’m a bit of a fraud really, never was a step mum. Came close. But no banana.

@LatentPhase it sounds like you're partly in limbo with his promise of counselling. Even if he did a 180 with his parenting and people pleasing would you want to get back with him after the way he's made you feel around his parenting and pleasing?

I've now got the ick around H. I laughed so hard Sunday when I asked him to tell dss not to spit food back on his plate and H defended him doing so.. He's now being uber nice, came in and cooked dinner last night ect but I'm genuinely done with him in my head and my body. I can't get over how weak he is and the way I've been treated by him. I told him twice over the weekend that I wanted a divorce and he's going on like I havent said anything. My dc are here till Friday so I will wait till then to again say that I want a divorce. H asked me Saturday to hang in until we have relationship counselling but I don't want to anymore. I don't want counselling with him, I don't want him living with me anymore, I don't want his ds over my house annoying my dc and ruling the roost. I just want to get out of this relationship, grieve for what could have been and move on.

Lots of for my fellow SM's who are having a hard time - you've got this!

@harriethoyle

Lots of for my fellow SM's who are having a hard time - you've got this!

I'm not gonna lie I do not definitely feel like I have got this.

Am I a awful person for kinda dreading these weekends with SCD. She's a little bit different, not neotypical and I really struggle to not feel misplaced in my own home.

Please no pitchforks 😞 I'm feeling a tad low about this all.

So sorry to all going through the mill with SC/break ups.

After posting here a few days ago, asking for ideas on how to gently introduce the idea of me to SC there has been absolutely zero action. We have been here before and I try to take 'it's time for them to know' speeches with a pinch of salt.

So I am asking now, to those of you in the process of blending or living together with your partners - do you wish you had done a 'living together apart' style relationship instead, or do you think that would be better to all concerned as opposed to blending?

Feeling a bit blah 😕

@frankiefirstyear I wish I had never met dss and kept our dc completely seperate to our relationship.

@candlelightsatdawn no you're completely normal. Parenting dc who aren't nt is hard enough, let alone step dc.

@frankiefirstyear I would keep them separate.

But my situation is odd and complex but now I know why the whole family were like watch the animals around her 😞 I'm not kidding. I was like she's a kid that's just not neotypical but now I realise that may not be the case . In my lowly position of evil stepmother I'm not in a position to help her in any substantive way or say really a word other than curb some of the safety elements.

There's the whole oh imagine what it would be like us living together verses the actual romance of the mess on floor and challenges SC bring.

Keep the space your own xxx

So me and H have scheduled a talk for tomorrow. We've been arguing all week and last (through text and not in front of dc). Tomorrow is our first night off to talk properly.

I'm fully prepared to start divorce proceedings if we don't work this out.

What I want from H is:

Us being on the same team around dc.

Him to be consistent with dss and implement boundaries, consistency and consequences. Dss is a very anxious child. I've spoken to a friend in CAMHS who said (whilst she cant diagnose from my words in a single phone call) it sounds like anxiety and insecure attachment. For dss to feel more secure he needs a routine, boundaries, explanations of why what he says or does isn't correct and the impact on others with a consequence if it continues, dss to not be the decision maker as being in control as a child creates insecurity and attachment difficulties. If H is not on board with the above then I can't stay with him and watch him continue to create a little monster. So basically everything I've been trying to tell H already! Excuse my shit grammar!

All the DC to be treated equitably . There's been a few occasions when H has bought fruit, treats ect for dss and not my dc but given to dss in front of them. I don't expect my dc to be treated equal in his will ect, but don't come home with treats for your kid and not mine. I don't care if posters feel differently to that, or that different dc have different rules and parents, it's not how it needs to work in my house.

I don't really want to divorce him, I want him to sort dss challenges out and be on my side about it - Sunday he got defensive as I asked him to tell dss not to spit food on a plate.. it's getting utterly ridiculous and I'm not putting up with it anymore. If he can't sort it out then he can fuck off.

@StarryNight468 I'm 100% with you ! I hope that chat goes ok and keep us posted ?

I would be really angry about the spitting and the treats thing I'm not gonna lie. I'm guessing he wouldn't be thrilled with shoe on the other foot !

I'm really sorry your going through this xxx

@frankiefirstyear I met my youngest dad after 5 months and my eldest who'd been terrified in advance by her "d"m after 7 months.

My DH and I have each kept our homes despite marrying last year and have agreed that will remain the case until youngest finishes GCSE's in 3 years. It sucks, because we're desperate to live together full time BUT it's best for the dsd and, actually, makes our lives easier than a forced blending. Means they get their dad on his own at least two nights a week and both of us at least every other weekend. It's a short term sacrifice I'm happy to make for a longer term happiness and stability.