A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@StarryNight468 you're right. I know I'm going to have to sort this. Currently I'm not underpaying and my ex and I have an agreement that I'll send an adhoc extra amount whilst I'm in probation in my new role, and then increase properly when confirmed in role. We have a private agreement re: child support but you're right I'm knee jerk reacting as opposed to thinking clearly.

All this shit typically falls on the same weekend I'm supposed to meet his ex 🙄. This is not going to be a fun conversation.

Think I need to seriously number crunch and if I can give her some money make it happen, and if not then she'll have to do without.

I hope he gets a job soon. He's never been out of work so this is unsettling for him.

@alwayswrighty it's a 'him' problem not a 'you' problem.

I think you're being lovely and supportive by taking on the main financial role in the house whilst he's out of work. That is already a big contribution and I expect your thoughts of what you can spend your extra money on/or save have vanished. Your DP is going to have to step up and say no to extra weekends. I do think he could do more after school pick ups and dinner/tea for his dc whilst he can't contribute financially, but it's unfair for extra weekends when it's your kid free time.

Well done on your promotion BTW!

@StarryNight468 not going to lie I was going to treat myself to a nice new watch but something made me hold off. Glad I did now.

@alwayswrighty why did you say you’d cover the maintenance for your DSS? What was the conversation?

@alwayswrighty I really think you should treat yourself and get that watch. Your dp should be encouraging you to treat yourself and be so grateful that he doesn't have to work in the awful job he feels unable to do. He really shouldn't expect you to cover his child support on top of that.

Personally I would go half's with ex on new uniform for September, make sure sdc have what they need at your house for then they're over and cover extra food if they come over midweek more often. I would also buy birthday presents if the time dp isn't working falls on a birthday, and if they had a party to go to stick a tenner in a card for their friend. I'd probably treat them over the holidays with a few nice days out too.

You really don't have to contribute maintenance whilst he's not working. Especially not £300 to someone you've not even met. Yes it's a bit shit for her, my ex is a huge maintenance dodger, I get a couple of £50 in my bank a year from him so I get how annoying it is to not have maintenance, but that's a 'her and him' problem not a 'you' problem. The dc won't go without.

@SpongebobNoPants I briefly mentioned I would try and continue to meet payments as long as I could. I do have a basic and commission. I can normally meet his expected child support as well if I get commission but if I don't get commission one month I can't.

@StarryNight468 thankfully birthday was last month and I've already budgeted this month for our 50% of school uniform/shoes costs.

They don't live close enough for DSS to come to ours after school so won't be any extra food costs our end but DSS Mum doesn't work so it's not like we'd be saving her childcare costs or anything, but I agree there can be more contact in the week.

I’m sorry, I know you think you’re being kind to your DSS but there’s not a chance in hell I’d be paying his ex (who you’ve never even met) maintenance. It’s not your responsibility but your own child is.
You’ll also be 100% financially supporting your DH, that is enough of a contribution from you.

@SpongebobNoPants no, I agree with you that my responsibility is to my child and keeping the roof over our head. Hopefully he'll get work soon (he's never been unemployed) but with your encouragement I did have a frank conversation that I won't be able to cover it after the month end and he has accepted that.

@alwayswrighty you’re completely right to say that. Well done for having the frank conversation

Glad you managed to sort that @alwayswrighty
Absolutely right that it’s his responsibility.

You said he can’t tell his ex he’s lost his job or she’ll expect him to have the DC every weekend. Why does he not want to have them every weekend?

@DuchessDarty DSS has autism. You have to prepare him for at least a month for a change in routine otherwise he can't cope with it, so by the time he's ready DH might have a new job working weekends (hospitality) so DH would rather we wait until we know hours he might work so we don't set DSS up to fail.

We have got him for 2 weeks in the summer holidays although I'm working

He is an absolutely amazing kid, truly. He makes my weekend when he's here, but you have to drip feed change very carefully.

Ah ok @alwayswrighty One of my DC is autistic so I understand.

Well done @alwayswrighty - treat yourself to that watch after this month

@StarryNight468

Can I join please.

I keep flipping from wanting to leave dh and the baggage he brings into my life with his ex drama to wanting to stay as our relationship minus the ex drama is the best relationship I've ever had.

My aunt gave me some good advice a couple of days ago when I was about to leave. She said concentrate on meeting your own needs, meet up with friends more and develop interests outside of dh as she thinks I've become quite dependent on dh to meet my needs and my own behaviours are becoming unhealthy in this dynamic. She also pointed out that before I became enmeshed with his drama I was the happiest she had ever known me and that his drama is his to work out in his head and not to involve me with it, but that until I had my own stuff going on I wouldn't be able to not get involved as my world has become quite small.

I've spoken with a few friends and arranged lunches and coffees in the near future. I'm going to have a think about things I'd like to do too - I've always wanted to join a netball team so I think I'm going to try that, although I feel quite scared at the thought!

Anyone else up for trying to meet their own needs and stepping back from the drama? or is everyone else quite sorted

Could have written this myself, it made me well up actually. It's all become about his ex and the DSC, the drama. I dont want to split up either but do need to separate myself from it all! Good luck with time for yourself and new interests!

I keep flipping from wanting to leave dh and the baggage he brings into my life with his ex drama to wanting to stay as our relationship minus the ex drama is the best relationship I've ever had. so true @StarryNight468 I felt like running for the hills every day! And yet it also felt like the best relationship I’d had - it was just the sheer horrible weight of all the drama and bad feeling flying around.
Lots of and to all.

My interests haven't really happened, my screen time has just become worse

But my self care has been much better. I've been keeping up with my tan and actually straightening my hair instead of shoving it up. I've also seen my friends a lot more and done stuff with just me and my dc.

I just need to crack on with more exercise and find a way to disengage from DHs running around for dss every whim and dss dm drama lama rubbish... well he's not that bad, he's got a lot better, but I'm hyper sensitive to it now.

Hi all,
So glad I found this thread.
I'm a step parent. They are great kids, I love them dearly but it's tough.
We have a lot of trouble from his ex
I find on mumsnet stepmothers seem to always be villains and dad's always seem to be bad, and there's always an excuse for the mums behaviour and it's the dad's fault.
Well in this situation it is the mum. I live it day in day out and some people may not believe it but some mothers truly will do and say awful things to their children to get at or cause trouble for the ex. My sdcs mother does and its a constant battle. The eldest has some issues now from this but of course my dh is blamed.
I truly don't understand how he stays so calm. He has never stooped to her level, he has always done the right thing by the children no matter what she has done and how badly she's lied about him.
Hes a great dad and he truly has been through it. It makes no sense BTW as she is with another person but just is an angry person and I guess has to keep up with all her lies and hating him (and me)
The thing i find hard is nobody gets its tough for me. I know it's worse for him. The lies and everything. But I have all this just by being with someone I love. I've had her say horrific things about me and the kids repeating things she's said about my looks and giggling and just the general upset and anger at the whole situation with dh. Then his family also talking about it non stop. I may have chosen to be with him, I may love him, but God its tough. And nobody gets that. They just think 'well imagine what it's like for dh' yes I get that! But its not a party for me. I have to live it too. I do it because I love them but its so hard sometimes. X

@Lovebug06
In my limited experience, good people tend to be good in most situations regardless of their relationship status. People who are not so good tend to be that way in most circumstances.

I don't think that bad or inappropriate behavior is tied to gender or relationship status but is tied more to character.

I think sometimes people assign themselves the. role of step parent when the other partner thinks of them as a romantic or personal relationship partner. The partner may not always be looking for or needing/wanting someone to share in the parenting role.

Many women particularly seem to make no distinction between girlfriend, significant other, stepparent. Those linking of roles only seem to work in situations where both parties are of that mindset.

I think many situations prove to be intolerable because the 2 partners are functioning with 2 very different perspectives about their relationship. One thinks that they are on some kind of merged journey, and the other is thinking "he or she is nice, and one-day this may become a long term committed relationship it things work out."

@lovebug06 welcome

We walk a fine line, us step parents. You are safe to say how you feel here x

Hello all! (Waves!) back after a spell away from here. I was ‘latentphase’ but logged in via Bookface and back with an old username.

@Tiredoftattler you’re SO right about shared perspectives on the relationship.

My DP and I were wanting to work towards moving in and blending. However that ship has sailed due to un-blend-able parenting styles. We are now at the point where he still thinks we are on a merged journey. And I don’t. It’s the end now.

Our confounder is the behaviour between him and his dd. She quite frankly functions emotionally at the age of a 7 year old. I kid you not. Think, on arrival at my house ‘here dad look at my colouring in’ (April this year). She is 20. No learning difficulties. Just two enabling parents. He can not talk to her openly. She won’t so much as pop to a shop for a pint of milk without throwing a tantrum. We all here (me, my two teens) are over it. They are nice and tolerant of her but essentially over it, as am I.

So I’ve re-drawn the boundary and advised I’ve got enough on my plate (my own medical issues, stress, full time job, two teens, a sister going through chemo) to be around it any more. Am happy to go for the odd lunch with her. But no more now.

My soon to be ex DP still feels we are on this merged journey. He is still asking for her to come and stay the night here.

It’s going to break us now. After five years and really trying, we are essentially over.

It hurts. Big time. Because essentially (apart from his ineptitude with his dd - which prevents an authentic relationship between me and her) everyone gets on really well. We will all be sad, my kids, his kids.

But it’s also time now for Big Girl Pants.

Hello to everyone, old and new. It’s so nice to be on a supportive thread.

I should probably add we’ve been together for over five years. So it hurts. Really sad.

Hiya @Lovebug06 and @HandyWoman

I get it Lovebug,

How are you doing @FishyFriday

@Tiredoftattler
If I've read what you are saying correctly, he does see me as a step parent as well as romantically. I do lots with them, help them, comfort them. They have called me their stepmum for a long time (which they did themselves, I never did). Dh has said before he appreciates what I have taken on and said he realises now he could not do it himself.

From reading these posts I definately think he has dad guilt. That they are from seperated parents and I guess he feels guilty for that and responsible for the fact he cannot stop their mum doing what she does to them with the things she says and how it effects them. He wants to help them and we can do all the positive ways and be good people when they are with us but ultimately we cannot know how the other half of their lives is going to affect them as they get older. He is so worried they will be turned against him.

When they want to tell us something or something is wrong and worrying them to do with what she has told them, usually they tell me in the end. I think maybe as I am a third party and not their actual parent? Maybe it feels they are not betraying their mum so much if they tell me rather than their dad. They trust me with information I think that they aren't meant to tell us, at times and I am very thankful they feel they can.

@alwayswrighty thankyou. I feel guilty as the sdcs are great kids, and even without the mum situation, I still think step parenting is hard and people who aren't just don't understand that? It's so hard with the boundaries and involvement you have as every family who does this is different as well. I don't think dh gets that part as much either.

@handywoman wow that sounds tough. Does she have friends? Surely your dp sees that's not normal behaviour for a 20 year old? I don't blame you for deciding enough is enough.

@Lovebug06 she occasionally sees a couple of friends from school, who are in the latter stages of uni. She (his dd) herself crashed out of school aged 14 with MH crisis. Her mood has been ok for years, but she lives vicariously through her brother and in a fantasy world (applying to drama school - oh the irony!) and barely leaves the house. STBXDP refers to her as being ‘immature’. Claiming not to know why she doesn’t change. Hmmmm. His head is in the sand. Despite understanding, on a cognitive level, what enabling is.

This is his mess, he would like to have in our merged life. Because it’s easier for him, no doubt, and makes him feel better (aka less guilty, she loves coming here for weekends and Christmas, in my small 3 bed). I’ve told him no thanks now. But I’m happy to see her only occasionally, for lunch.

Of course that makes me look like an evil bitch. And him repeatedly pretending he forgot what I said makes me look like the continual bitch. And I’m not okay with that. It’s unjustified. Big chat coming this week and I can only see it going one way.