A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Rawrythetiger

I’ve spent the morning reading yet more slander about my DH and myself on here which has subsequently been deleted by MN due to the amount of negative replies and people calling out her lies. I think I’m going to snap very soon and expose this bitch on her own thread. We are currently in court and I’ve screenshot the lot. Can this be used as evidence in fact finding?

I bet I know the thread, they become ever more bizarre! If it's the one I'm thinking it was zapped pretty quickly today.

@FishyFriday the ex has been pestering DH to meet me since she found out we were married 🙄 So I've got to the point that for DSS sake I said I'd meet her. We're going to her house when we drop DSS off after our weekend next. I'm not sure what her agenda is. She was asking DH if I'll go to DSS birthday party. I'm not doing that. Her whole family will be there and if I'm honest I'm long past the joy of a kids birthday party.

I'm waiting for the Spanish inquisition and I'm trying to think of a stock phrase to tell her politely that I'm not discussing my life beyond my interaction with DSS.

@lunar1 I think you have it

@alwayswrighty wow I couldn’t think of anything worse. You truly have my sympathy

@Rawrythetiger I know, I can't either. I've told DH whatever happens he needs to back me up. I've got a feeling she'll have someone there for moral support to try and suss me out

I really do not want to discuss our private life because I want it to remain that way.

[quote alwayswrighty]@FishyFriday the ex has been pestering DH to meet me since she found out we were married 🙄 So I've got to the point that for DSS sake I said I'd meet her. We're going to her house when we drop DSS off after our weekend next. I'm not sure what her agenda is. She was asking DH if I'll go to DSS birthday party. I'm not doing that. Her whole family will be there and if I'm honest I'm long past the joy of a kids birthday party.

I'm waiting for the Spanish inquisition and I'm trying to think of a stock phrase to tell her politely that I'm not discussing my life beyond my interaction with DSS.[/quote]
Sounds horrific. And totally unnecessary. You're a better woman than me in agreeing to it.

Plan to do something nice afterwards.

[quote alwayswrighty]@Rawrythetiger I know, I can't either. I've told DH whatever happens he needs to back me up. I've got a feeling she'll have someone there for moral support to try and suss me out

I really do not want to discuss our private life because I want it to remain that way.[/quote]
Just refuse. Keep repeating that this is about her son, so let's stay focused on that.

And 'that's not relevant'. Do not preface this with 'I'm sorry but'. Just 'that's not relevant. Let's get back to discussing your son.'

Like a meeting with a wayward colleague at work. 😂

And make sure your husband is on message. No personal disclosures. Only information directly relevant to his son.

Hopefully that'll keep it short.

@FishyFriday I'm trying to find a killer top to wear and I'm going to look like my best self and aim to be calm and collected.

Then I'll go for a long run when I get home to get the frustration out my system.

It's a while off yet, so if anyone has any good suggestions for a non offensive way of saying that's none of your fucking business I'm all ears 🤣

@FishyFriday Cross Post. Yes, perfect.

If she asks me to do the whole family thing I'll just say 'no that doesn't work for me.

My DH's ex wanted to meet before we got married. Sent me some Fb message basically saying "she'd pencil me in for a meet up" I declined the invite.

As far as I'm concerned if DSS's Dad thinks I'm good enough to spend time with him, I don't need to be interviewed by a woman he barely had a relationship with.

I did say in my reply that whilst DSS was with me he would always be made to feel welcome and kept safe. She left it at that.

Other than that I'm fairly lucky. DSS is no trouble at all and despite never wanting children of my own we get on really well.

He messages me and says he misses me and the dogs, always wants me to join in with anything he does, gets disappointed if I'm out when he arrives etc. So I must be doing ok.

@sassbott the baby is staying with us in our room for the first 6 to 12 months anyway. My dd is 12 nearly 13 and his is 5. She won't sleep without the ipad, headphones lights on has no idea of personal belongings and will touch all my dd stuff and he let's her as it is and just says he will replace it. My dd is coming up to periods and wants some privacy. For the sake of it being an empty room for the next few months with the baby's belongings in and a cot but it being her space away also it works to me. I'm fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable and they should share as I'm not sure right now. Pregnancy hormones/lack of sleep are blurring a lot of lines! @FishyFriday I know it's an argument to park but he almost inflamed matters by telling my dd that he wants that to happen then it causes arguments.

I would have had somewhere else to go but my mum has just moved from a 5 bed to a 2 bed. I also have my ds16 in tow so it's not practical for us to be with her in a flat. Going on mat leave so nice chance of a private rental right now either. I'm not sure what to do. Space would be amazing to be honest.

Hearing is the first one so no doubt she will drag that out to a third hearing so we have a long time of it to go. She doesn't respond to solicitors letters, changes solicitors at last minutes etc doesn't give them full information she is literally dragging it out for all it is worth tk cause the stress.

@FishyFriday yes the house is too small but until the financial hearing and we get a direction of the pay out we can't really do a lot about it as a family depending on that depends if we remortgage and do building work or sell and rent for a period.

I will be thinking of you this weekend. I have a dinner out Friday night so won't see DSD for longer than an hour then and she's going back at 12 on Sunday so I have a limited time with her anyway but it doesn't make me less anxious or apprehensive about it. Remember we are all here for you and can try to help you get through it.

@rawrythetiger I would desperately want to read it I know I would but equally aware it would be no good for my mental health. Try not to think about it as its always good to not give the exw headspace!!

[quote alwayswrighty]@FishyFriday Cross Post. Yes, perfect.

If she asks me to do the whole family thing I'll just say 'no that doesn't work for me.[/quote]
Good plan.

You married your husband. Not his ex and her family!

A run is a good idea. Maybe plan something nice after that too. Get rid of the frustration and then relax.

I'm sure you'll look brilliant. That'll help you to feel less out of control too.

@Alwayswrighty I met the exw!! It was actually court ordered before I could be involved in overnights with DSD. I just joined mil at a handover one Sunday, I tried to look my best and be confident etc she screamed at me in the car park etc was horrific then finished with a sarcastic slow clap and a 'oh and Vie well done coming today very brave of you' she wanted to go for a coffee and was screaming that it wasn't what she wanted I stayed firm but wish I hadn't let nerves get the better of me tbh and that I had some good responses up my sleeve. Be confident hold your head high and don't let her get to you xx

@Vie8126 thank you. I'm trying to mentally prepare so I don't lose my cool.

[quote Vie8126]@Alwayswrighty I met the exw!! It was actually court ordered before I could be involved in overnights with DSD. I just joined mil at a handover one Sunday, I tried to look my best and be confident etc she screamed at me in the car park etc was horrific then finished with a sarcastic slow clap and a 'oh and Vie well done coming today very brave of you' she wanted to go for a coffee and was screaming that it wasn't what she wanted I stayed firm but wish I hadn't let nerves get the better of me tbh and that I had some good responses up my sleeve. Be confident hold your head high and don't let her get to you xx[/quote]
That is absolutely dreadful.

Can't imagine why you didn't want to go for coffee. 🤔

If DH ex gets like that I'll be getting up and walking away.

@alwayswrighty I'm not sure you can prepare just be prepared to stand firm don't give too much if anything away keep it focused on the child and what it is she is looking to get out of the meeting.

Confidence confidence confidence all the way.

@Vie8126 thank you

@Rawrythetiger, if you are the stepmum on the other side of that chaos, thank god you are there for those boys. It seems nuts reading it from the mums perspective, so god knows how bad the actual reality is for you and your DH.

I hope you get a resolution and some stability for your home ASAP.

@lunar1 I love the boys and they love being here. We play family games and watch movies together. I love cooking so we always have nice meals around the table and chat about our days.

I can imagine reading it as an outsider from that one person perspective it would be so concerning. The picture that has been painted of DH is horrific. I can assure that our household is sane and stable at least.

I'm intrigued about you DH's ex's threads @Rawrythetiger. But also a bit scared to try to find one.

I really want to be nosy and ask about the threads @Rawrythetiger but I also feel crass for saying that.

@FishyFriday there are multiple usernames. The story always changes. The lies are horrendous. Today she told people my MIL does the laundry for my household. I mean you couldn’t make it up! 😂 Because I’d really be ok with my MIL washing my dirty pants…
It is all to paint me as some young lazy trophy wife. She keeps telling people I’m in my 20s. I’m in my 30s….

They've all been deleted over the years, they start of plausible and you feel so sorry for her and those boys. Then it descends into madness.

I know I reported the one comparing the situation to her children having died and asking bereaved parents for advice.

Those boys are bloody lucky to have you.

[quote Rawrythetiger]@FishyFriday there are multiple usernames. The story always changes. The lies are horrendous. Today she told people my MIL does the laundry for my household. I mean you couldn’t make it up! 😂 Because I’d really be ok with my MIL washing my dirty pants…
It is all to paint me as some young lazy trophy wife. She keeps telling people I’m in my 20s. I’m in my 30s…. [/quote]
How weird.

And 🤢 to MIL being anywhere near my pants.