A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@lunar1 thank you that really means a lot

I don’t think it’s a bad idea to meet up with the Ex wife, although I can understand the trepidation if they have already caused strife! I made a point of meeting EW, I was so naive, I thought we could all get along fine. I ended up childminding for not just her kids (when DH at work) but her nephew as well!
@Rawrythetiger wow that’s pretty out there behaviour -it’s a wonder that she doesn’t reflect on herself when strangers call her out, a shame. They say you can’t reason with someone who isn’t reasonable - and in your case sounds a bit scary.

@Rawrythetiger mate what an earth is wrong with her. I do hope you have some lovely friends in real life you can drink wine with and laugh about this with.

I'm not sure I can cope with the complete personality transplant my husband has whenever he has contact with his children. Or the way that he engineers arguments whenever he has contact.

For various reasons, he hadn't seen the SC in person for 3+ weeks. None of those reasons were anything to do with me. Just to be clear. I had precisely no impact on them at all. During that time, it's been much better than usual - not perfect because he's extremely frustrating and not supportive generally - but liveable.

Last night he picked the SC out and took them for dinner. And it's been really dire since. He was out for ages: spending £50 taking them for dinner (they're 4 and 7 and eat off the kids' menu - or, more accurately, don't eat off the kids' menu - so who knows how he spent that much) and doing who knows what (he didn't even set off for our house til after bedtime at their mum's house). Fine. If he wants to spend a fortune on them, he can knock himself out (and not complain when I spend anything on my kids!)

What is not fine, however, is that he came home obviously determined to find any pretext for a fight. He didn't help with the baby who he knew was not asleep. Instead he plugged in his electric guitar and pissed about on that til 10pm. Our neighbours (terraced house) are far too bloody polite! I knew what he was up to and said nothing at all. Just finished settling the baby (despite the guitar playing), tidied up the kitchen and downstairs, and read a book quietly.

So he decided to throw a strop at bedtime over white noise. That'd be the noise that helps the baby sleep, despite the household noise. He woke the baby (on purpose), was vile to me, and turned the noise off entirely. So I got to spend the next 3 hours trying to get the baby to sleep and to stay asleep. Then he was up from 6am, and I had to try to keep him quiet/not let him get up because he'd disturb Mr My Work Is So Important.

At 7ish, I took the baby downstairs and started making breakfast. About 15 mins later his wonderful father appeared and started picking fights. I'm talking about being arsey about me saying 'I'm making [baby] breakfast' not 'I'm making breakfast'. And then announcing that he's fed up with fighting and will just leave if I don't ... who bloody knows. I just walked away from the table saying nothing.

Apparently I'm to blame for the fight that followed when he came upstairs to pick at me some more. And for ruining the start of his Important Work Day.

All of this is what happens every time he sees his other children. He just decides I need to be punished for the fact he is an NRP and his children's behaviour being such that they're not enjoyable to spend time with (I'm guessing it was an expensive but miserable eating experience for him).

They're here this weekend. 😩

And to clarify for the lurking anti-SM brigade: the problem is HIM. His attitude. His behaviour. I dread seeing his children because of the way he is about it all, and the way he lets them behave.

He's too busy blaming me that he doesn't get to 'enjoy his children' so he doesn't have to face up to the fact that he doesn't parent them such that it's possible to 'enjoy' them.

Nice meals out with your young children come from having put in the bloody hard parenting work so that it is enjoyable. It's not my fault neither he nor his ex are willing to do it. No amount of claiming he has limited impact absolves him of the responsibility to parent his children. Or the responsibility for the consequences of not doing so.

And I'm the one doing all the work with our baby so that it is and will be possible to 'enjoy' his company (in an age-appropriate manner).

🤬

@FishyFriday

I'd have killed the fucker!

Apparently I'm the unreasonable one. And I exaggerate the situation. Everyone else would think it was totally great.

One point of contention is my objection to the SC 'playing football in the house'. This refers to them taking actual footballs and kicking and throwing them everywhere. Bouncing them off walls and cupboards. Doing this in the kitchen while an adult is trying to cook.

Apparently that is not 'playing football' (describing it as such is exaggerating) and only a horrible killjoy would object to that and say it was an activity for the garden or park exclusively. Saying it's horribly dangerous is also apparently an exaggeration. Because having balls kicked at you while you handle knives and hot pans is in no way a health and safety issue.

Am I a horrible killjoy? Does everyone just let their kids kick footballs all over their house?

He'd be happy if one of them got scalded by hot water?

@FishyFriday Crikey you have the patience of a saint. How much longer can you put up with this?

Does he add anything to your life? He mithers at you and your children because his blessed children aren’t there. He’s cross, rude and nasty to you pre and during their visits and he doesn’t help with your joint baby. How you endure this I don’t know.

Goodness even sitting in a hot swimming pool all weekend would be far more enjoyable than the prospect of this upcoming one. Can’t you magic a competition up.

And no, footballs do not get kicked or thrown around in our house.

@FishyFriday invent a family emergency and go somewhere for the weekend, a lovely spa hotel with a creche

@FishyFriday that sounds like a horrible environment. He sounds as if he dislikes you and clearly doesn’t care about your joint child.

Why are you together? Was it always like this because he sounds like a shit dad.

Gosh @FishyFriday that’s horrendous. He turned off the white noise for the baby after playing electric guitar? And then blamed you? That’s just so not on. Hope you are OK
I also have no footballs kicked around in the house.
My Ex also did do a lot of sulking when his (older teenage/adult) children decided not to visit every weekend.

@FishyFriday that sounds awful the poor baby (and you) having bedtime ruined like that. If he wants to waste money on dinners out then let him do it but if its a joint pot of money make sure you get to actually enjoy the same with your DC.

Is there anywhere you can take the DC this weekend whilst he had contact at the house? I would be tempted to leave him to it EOW or whatever the contact pattern is.

We have DSD tonight and although I have also been dreading contact I went on mat leave this week so have a lovely dinner out this evening with my colleagues and my dd is out at a sleepover meaning its jusy him and dsd as my ds16 will either be out or keep himself to himself. ByTomorrow I have to collect my dd and see my dm so that's a few more hours out the house then Sunday she is going to mils for midday as DP has to work. Therefore, I won't be around for much of the Disney parenting I hope.

@FishyFriday I would be gone. Or I would have him gone. He sounds horrendous & while his NRP status is clearly triggering for him he has a nasty streak in him which has nothing to do with him being a parent.
Imo his behaviour is abusive & it doesn't matter that it 'abates' when his other dc are not around.
If he were my dh I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms to either seek help (therapy/counselling) or leave.
This is no criticism of you btw - you have my upmost sympathy - but living with such awful negativity & blame is not good for you or your baby.

@FishyFriday I know you're in relationship counselling at the moment and you desperately don't want to have your baby in his sole care, eow because of the way he parents. Do you think if you took a stand and said fine thats it then let's get divorced, after the argument that would ensue afterwards, he would 'sort his shit out'.

I realise I've twice now offered advice about threatening to leave and that's not 'good' relationship advice as it undermines the stability and trust. I just think sometimes things are so awful that it would be better to leave unless they do something about it. I don't mean use threatening to leave as an empty threat and I don't mean to use this as a way to get control or what you want as it will soon become a shallow threat.

Last night dh told me on the Monday morning drop off the teacher commented on how tired dss was. Then on Wednesday afternoon pick up the teacher told dh that dss had told her he was tired because his step brother wouldn't keep the light on so he couldn't sleep (my son) (we're currently doing the loft, the only thing left to do up there is the electrics, wall insulation and plaster board walls).

Now dss is an awful sleeper because his dad let's him stay up late for an 8 Yr old, he's allowed to stay up on his switch until 10pm and he's been caught a fair few times being on it later then that. He doesn't like sleeping in ds room because he would rather sleep with dh, he doesn't sleep with dh because dh and me sleep together and his dm has (thankfully) told him he's not allowed to sleep in the bed when I'm there. This is something dh feels guilty about as dss used to sleep with him pre moving in with me. Dss regularly says things like - why can't starry sleep on the sofa so I can sleep with you to dh and to me he says things like - I would have thought you would want to sleep on the sofa so you can have space to sleep without dad snoring ect. He is very clever for his age.

To sum it up, dh is going to be full guilt parenting this weekend. I am not giving up my bed! It's not my fault that you slept with dss until he was 7, most dc that age might climb in bed in the morning for a cuddle but they don't usually go to bed with their parent at 10pm do they? My dc were in their own beds and asleep by 8 at his age so I don't understand the whole co sleeping thing for older dc. Anyway, as harsh as it sounds, sleep train your 8yr old and stop letting him stay up so late instead of blaming me for being there so he can't sleep with you. Argh!

@FishyFriday I had started a message a few times but it sounded so harsh so I stopped. But I have to second what @Magda72 has said.
This mans behaviour is abusive, period. Who wakes a sleeping baby because they’re aggrieved? And to incite an argument using the baby as a pawn? My worry for you is that this will escalate, until he gets a reaction. And then? It will be your fault. He is desperate to vent his frustration and (it appears), determined to vent it at you. And he’s not shielding the children from this discord.

I had some elements of this with my exp, and arguments between us would often have been started because of his frustrations (that had nothing to do with me). I will say this much however, those frustrations were never ever directed at my children. Ever. It was the polar opposite, he was amazing with my lot. Our issues were between me and him - I’m not justifying even that, but when it remains between the adults it remains manageable and workable. If anything close to this had been pulled on my children? He’d have been gone in a heartbeat. My heart goes out to you because you have the complication of a shared child, but even then I could not have lived like this. It’s out and out bullying and even worse, bullying of a completely innocent baby.

@StarryNight468 it’s a very tough situation tbh. I wouldn’t give my bed up under any circumstances either. Not a chance. Does your DSS co-sleep with his mother?

@FishyFriday I think you should start a chronology of all the incidents that have happened and do it from your baby's point of view. It will be a tough thing to do and it will make you upset, but it will be vital in ensuring safe contact if/when you two split up. I would do everything in my power to ensure no lone contact with baby, dh and dh dc. He would have to take me to court. I would evidence impact of stress on baby from being in the womb and date it all. Every incident of harm your baby has experienced or experienced indirectly from your stress because of his inability to keep your baby safe. Record it in incident, impact, what you've done to protect baby format. If/when you leave write a letter to dh recorded delivery detailing why baby will be unsafe, I would also inform ss of what you're doing. Then it will be up to him to take you to court for access which I'd drag out as long as possible until baby is older and able to verbalise. I don't think he would get unsupervised access though with the chronology and evidence. Maybe give him a lot of rope to hang himself and make video recordings whilst you gather up all your evidence.

I honestly wouldn't have my baby around him and his dc. Even if he went to court and did get access it won't be a short process and the older your baby gets the safer it will be. I'd also put in about his untreated anxiety ect. Everything you can think of.

@sassbott he didn't use to. He shared a bedroom with his older brother until his sister went to uni. Then he went into his own room. He doesn't like going to sleep and he knows if he gets upset about something his dm will let him get into bed with her, and he knows dh will give him his switch or let him watch YouTube on dh ipad after he's got upset. He is obviously an unhappy little boy and has learnt what to do to get what he thinks he wants from either parent. Neither of them have him for long periods of time as he's only with one for 2/3 nights max before going back to the other so there's a lot of parenting that goes undone if that makes sense. He needs stability, boundaries and therapy but I don't think either parent can manage that whilst they're so full of conflict/guilt and set on being the favourite. Dh did try to sort therapy out, but they told dh they would need to see him and his ex first so he refused on the basis she would make him out to be the bad one. I think thats an awful excuse tbh, but he is very defensive around others thinking he's the bad parent and the reason dss is like how he is.

(BTW with the room sharing, dss is supposed to go to bed at 8.30 and finish reading in bed by 9. Ds goes into his room at 10 to go to sleep and dss is meant to be asleep by then. Instead dss gets into bed around 9ish and is allowed on his switch/sometimes dh says no switch and only reading, until ds goes to bed. If dss was put to bed at 8.30, read to/with until 9 and then told to close his eyes and try to sleep then I don't think there would be a problem).

It is all very hard. Sitting down and making a log is a good idea. Because he is not a good enough NRP.

Luckily the baby is still breastfed and often cosleeps. His father has never done any night feeds etc. I'm not sure he's ever actually made him a meal. If he has, it's been once or twice in the baby's entire life. He's settled him to sleep in the evening once (in nearly a year) and for a nap once. There's always an excuse why I should get up for the baby. If it's not him having work the next day, it's that he's sore or exhausted, or he's got something else to do (a big day trip with the SC) and needs his rest. There's literally always something.

And then there's the not looking after a baby at 5am. Coupled with his absolute insistence that my DS should walk to the pool on his own at 5am. It's not far and it's light. I'm 'pandering to' and 'babying' an 11 year old by taking him. Or the regular insistence that he can't take the baby with him when he walks to the shops to buy something he wants for breakfast. It'd take 30s to put him in the buggy at most. But that's too much to expect from him. He's got work that day, after all.

We are not talking about a good record of basic parenting here.

He's being normal at the moment. After getting an argument where he told me I was controlling and wrong and such like, he clearly decided he'd gotten what he wanted and decided to be normal. However the SC are being dropped off at about 6 today, so all bets are off. He wants to watch both football matches so I'm sure he'll be imagining himself a poor martyred man because I will not be looking after them and putting them to bed so he can watch football.

If he doesn't want to spend time with them and put them to bed, he should tell his ex that he's not having them til the morning. She'd hate it because she'll want her first Friday night off in a month. But the point of contact is for the SC to spend time with their father. Them just being in the same house doesn't count.

Of course, he claims that it's all terrible for him because I won't just 'do things all together'. What that means is I won't do all the work and try to manage their behaviour (not that I'm allowed to because anything I do is 'too harsh') while he's in the same room ignoring them and/or complaining that they are noisy etc. It's bad enough him doing that when it's just the baby (Fishy. Stop him messing with my amp. I'm trying to play guitar. Stop him messing with the sound bar. I'm trying to watch the football. Why is he so noisy?) but I'm not doing it with the SC under any circumstances.

I'm particularly fed up with the accusations that I'm being controlling because he can't just do what he wants with his children. But I'm not trying to control him. I'm putting boundaries in place for myself and my children and that means he can't just do what he likes with no consideration for the effects on everyone else. The fact is he needs to consider how his choices affect the household as a whole.

It's not controlling to say I won't cook for his children who don't eat what I make (and then their father gets annoyed with me rather than them). It's not controlling to tell him that he needs to organise his cooking for them around the schedule for everyone else in the house. He knows when I will be cooking and what time dinner will be. I'm accommodating him by doing that at a consistent time. His choices about his children mean they eat different food separately from everyone else (because them being at the table behaving as he allows them is actually harmful to the other members of the household in various different ways). It's not controlling to tell him that he'll need to work around the rest of the household.

We have a big kitchen, but the actual cooking area is not big enough for two people to cook two separate meals at the same time. Especially not when he's using 3 burners of the hob, the oven and the microwave. His children's noisy pissing about, attention seeking and complaining about food is distracting to the baby if they're eating at their table at the same time. So obviously he should consider the effects of his choices and recognise that he needs to cook earlier and feed them so they're finished before everyone else's meal time. That's just recognising consequences and being considerate. Am I supposed to wait til 7pm to start cooking dinner for the baby because he doesn't want to feed his children at 5.30 (incidentally the time they eat at their mum's house)? And just let the baby get more and more upset and hungry because his father's wants in relation to himself and his other children are more important than everyone else?

Nor is it controlling to be angry at him because he's taking the SC out to theme parks (and rewarding them for consistent poor behaviour so obviously they have no incentive to change anything) while everyone else stays at home and does nothing. He needs to consider the impact of his choices on everyone else. It's unfair to my DS who absolutely knows that the SC are being spoiled despite continual behaviour that disrupts the entire household and we have to find ways to manage the impact on the other kids. It's unfair to the baby who misses out. I don't care that my husband doesn't want to do nothing exciting all weekend. Nor do I care that he wants to be able to treat his children. He needs to think beyond his wants and recognise that taking the SC for treats all the time is negatively affecting the whole household and is encouraging their behaviour.

We can't all go because of his unwillingness to parent the SC so that their behaviour is good enough for everyone to be around them. And also because of his unwillingness to make sure the day is not just geared around the SC with the rest of us simply acting as props to enable their fun.

I'm not telling him what he can and can't do with his children. I'm telling him that he needs to consider how what he does with them affects everyone else. And that I am extremely angry about the unfairnesses to my children (and me) and the fact that nothing will ever change because he is too selfish and lazy to do what he needs to. He can be lazy and selfish and not parent his kids in any meaningful way but he has a responsibility to balance his wants with the needs of everyone else.

Instead he sits there and thinks: Poor me. I work so hard all week. And it's so stressful. I just want to enjoy my weekend and do things I think are fun. I want to spoil my older children because that makes me feel better about being an NRP. Fishy is so mean and controlling. Why won't she just come to the theme park and look after my children so I can go on rides, or look after my son so I can take my daughter on rides I think look more fun than the little kid ones?

How dare she be angry at me for taking them to the theme park anyway while she sat at home with her son and the baby? It's not my fault that she's got not access to money because she's on maternity leave and not earning anything. I'm just doing what she said in keeping all my money to myself. It is my money after all. I make sure there's enough in the joint account to just cover the bills. She should be grateful for that.

Of course I resent her spending any money on her son. The maintenance she receives for him should go on her share of the bills. It would be ridiculous for her to claim child benefit too because that just gets taken out of my salary by HMRC. It's not fair. That's just taking my money from me.

She's so 'separatist' about everything. Life would be much better and easier if she would just cook meals for everyone all at once and do everything together. If she wants the kids to behave better, she needs to help me with it.

But equally she needs to understand that I hardly see my children and I want them to be happy. She needs to stop being horrible to them. It makes them feel sad if they're told off. She should just be more tolerant. It's just a bit of fussy eating. Sure SD ate the macaroni cheese last night when she thought I'd made it. But it was ever so slightly crispier on top after reheating so it's not really being naughty for her to utterly refuse to eat it after verifying that Fishy actually made it. It's not SD's fault she has a dietary requirement that meant that fishy had to cook a separate macaroni cheese for her. And of course I don't want the free from version myself. I work hard and pay for everything. Why shouldn't there be two versions?

If they aren't happy at every moment and it's not fun enough, then the SC might decide they don't want to come here any more. I think they don't really like coming here because they know Fishy isn't happy about their behaviour. That's abusive to them. They should always be happy, even if they've been naughty again and again.

And so on.

Also deeply annoying is that he's used his therapy session with the counsellor to pull over some psychology speak to use against me. I'm choosing how I react to things and I shouldn't have such extreme reactions. It's just a bit of noise and a bit of fussy eating. I need to get over myself and just do everything together/for them.

Except he doesn't realise that my individual session with the counsellor involved me explaining why I'm so angry with him and many of the awful things he's done. And her doing that trying to remain neutral thing, but having to check that he isn't violent and so on. He is always accusing me of being abusive towards him and his children, but I'm trying to hold on to important boundaries so that my children and I can try to not be harmed by the hostile situation he creates. Keeping as far away from his children as possible and minimising any interaction with them is not being abusive and excluding them. It's me trying to avoid the whole situation so I can leave him to it. His response to ramp up the Disney dad treats etc (while playing the martyr who has to take his poor children out of the house because evil old Fishy doesn't like their behaviour) is clearly part of being nasty to me. He's dressing it up as all sorts of things. But he is punishing me for objecting to football in the house, or nasty behaviour to each other, or a million awful behaviours around food by rewarding them with treats.

Threatening divorce won't work. He does it regularly (including yesterday) and adds an implied or overt threat that it'll be worse for me because then he'll just do whatever he likes with the baby. But apparently it's not a threat. I'm just childish for asking 'what is it then? A promise?'

@FishyFriday your DH sounds very similar to my EXDP. It honestly sounds like he's ramping up the emotional abuse a few notches each time to see how far he can push you.

Since walking away from Disney Dad and his emotional abuse last week, I've never felt less stressed and so relaxed. I realised I've been holding a lot of tension in my body due to having to pre-empt his moods and behaviour before it happened. While my EXDP had never been physically abusive, the emotional stuff was still extremely harmful, given it's all internal and designed to be destructive.

After you've finished maternity leave (and it's great that you've kept your hand in with work), I'd be making a longer term plan for you, your DS and the little one to remove yourselves from this environment. It must be affecting your mental health so negatively.

I'm glad that leaving has been so good for you @Starseeking.

It is very negatively affecting my mental health. I have told him as much. My personal resilience has been stretched so far and put under so much pressure that it's pretty much gone. It's not as simple as I'm choosing to let myself feel this way (however much that suits him).

And he can't act as if it's simply about each incident in isolation. The fact is that every single incident of him allowing his his children to behave a particular way and then somehow making me the villain is cumulative. I know find well how it's going to go, so I can't just relax and try to tolerate things. There's a very clear pattern and it's very much a slippery slope in terms of how things will go.

Maybe the counselling will help him to recognise that the only thing he is consistent about is scapegoating me and positioning me as the villain. For all his inconsistency in how nice he is being or in his parenting, the constant is that somehow it will all be my (own) fault if things aren't going the way he wants.

And that he confuses having to consider other people and modify his behaviour accordingly to be 'being controlled'. It's not controlling to expect a partner to care about you or your children and to not keep doing the things that are obviously making everyone else miserable.

It would even be good for his children to stop all this crap. Their poor behaviour is clearly a reflection of his inability/unwillingness to be a consistent and authoritative parent. The screwed up power dynamics he is perpetuating are dreadful for them. They need to know that there are clear, consistent expectations and boundaries and consequences when they cross them. Sure, they might be unhappy in the short term because they're not getting what they want and they have to experience the consequences of their behaviour. But in the longer term, they will be much happier. No child thrives with this kind of parenting - even if they think getting spoiled right now is what makes them happy.

It's like he refuses to recognise that you do impose consequences on your children for their benefit. Doing so is an act of parental love. No one likes doing it. But we do it because our children need us to.

@FishyFriday Like others I always struggle to know what to say about your comments regarding your DH, but honestly it's so hard to see how there could be light at the tunnel in terms of him improving in your relationship, given how horrendous his attitudes are!

Thank you @FishyFriday. If there was a script for these Disney Scapegoating Dads, I'm sure we could all write it here!

My EXDP frequently accused me of being controlling, e.g. I'd ask him to let me know when DSS was coming (reply: you don't need to know, he lives here), despite the fact they had an EOW arrangement, he'd randomly be there at all times, and EXDP would expect me to cater to him.

There was always plenty of food in the fridge and at dinner times, however I stopped cooking specifically for DSS when he was about 6 when EXDP wanted food to be made in a very specific way, then taught DSS to parrot to me that I needed to make the food like xyz. Just before we split, he told my parents that evidence of me not liking DSS was that I refuse to cook for him; I don't make the DC I gave birth to different meals, so I'm not sure why the expectation of something separate for a DC that isn't! What he failed to mention was that there was always plenty of food available, DSS just wanted to eat beige/oven food.

My EXDP refused to go for counselling/therapy, and I knew I couldn't live like that for the rest of my life. Hopefully the more sessions you have, your DH will come to realise the impact of everything he is doing on the rest of the household.

I was told that I was controlling too @FishyFriday by my Ex who I think by that point had become controlling himself - or rather his frustration about me - like you - not going along with subservience esp regarding step children set up. It really is deflection. It does still irk me as he told his kids and family that I was controlling, and therefore anything I did to put down boundaries was ridiculed. That’s what it does - shuts us down. However it’s really important to have these boundaries. I had counseling which greatly helped me see that I was doing the right thing and stick to my plans.

@Starseeking I’m sorry you had to be labelled like that too.

Also just to say, I hope I’m wrong but in my case, being labelled ‘controlling’ was a sign of no return for DH. His Ex and eldest DSD had started that particular accusation - based on very small asks of mine such as not ignoring my son. So I mistakenly thought DH would see the light through counseling, reasoning, seeing how much I was trying with his kids etc. However I hadn’t realised how much DH contributed to this, and took it onboard - as it served a purpose for him too. Once we are scapegoated in this way, for me anyway, the bedrock of trust, respect, love crumbled for my DH towards me. Very difficult to mend.