A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Bananasinpyjamas21 you'd think after 5 years enough time would have passed for this behaviour to stop wouldn't you.

DH told me yesterday that his ex is still insistent she wants to meet me for the sake of DSS 🙄 I'm in two minds but as long as I'm nice and it's on neutral ground away from DSS I think I'll do it to satisfy her and then DH can delete her from his social media.

Oh @Tara336 I really feel for you. Hopefully someone will come along with some form of solution, but I'll just hold your hand for now. You don't need that level of stress and anxiety on your wedding day xx

@Tara336 bless you. He sounds like a prize idiot. I would say try and relax but I know I'd be a nervous wreck trying to second guess his movements.

So unfair. You deserve a relaxing day x

I’m going to go all out here but I believe a lot of men make excuses for the ex to be in their lives still ‘for the sake of the kids’ in instances where there is no need for them to be (including my own partner!) - social media is one of them. I’m pretty sure the world won’t fall apart if he blocked her from Facebook and I’m pretty sure it won’t affect his sons additional needs either.

I agree. I think people make a lot of excuses for continuing to fuel this drama. For all sorts of reasons.

If he's struggling with what happened with another child, then he needs to get therapy and/or legal help to come to terms with that. This situation is not the same, and continuing to allow his ex to use social media to create drama is not going to have any effect on his contact with his son.

If the situation wasn't fulfilling some need or want of his, then he'd put at stop to it. As it is, he has an ex making a tit of herself public ally displaying not being over him on social media. He has a partner who is annoyed at his ex for overstepping boundaries. Presumably he's showing you the posts he's been tagged in even if he's not approving the tag. Basically it's all centred around him and his ego benefits from the attention - however negative it is.

It's like a toddler throwing tantrums because negative attention is better than nothing. Except that he's playing the victim of these terrible women.

I hope you're OK @Tara336.

@FishyFriday I don't think he realised how much it was annoying me until last night. We had a long, hard chat about how ridiculous I think her behaviour is and he did agree and is removing her from his Facebook.

I am guilty of not expressing how I feel clearly enough probably. Not sure why I'd got to the end of my tether now, I just have.

He rarely pays any attention to the shit she posts on Facebook but occasionally I've used his phone for other purposes and he's had the tab open for Facebook so I know how constant it has been. He has never actually said 'here look at this' unless it has been a video of DSS opening a birthday or Christmas present we bought him.

In the grand scheme of things it makes her look stupid, not me but it just gets under my skin sometimes.

@alwayswrighty I’m glad you talked it through and he agreed, I think sometimes they just need a little push and a different perspective! It’s horrible having to call out behaviour but sometimes it’s needed. You will find your problem dramatically dropping once he removes her. If she gets offended it’s a personal thing and she will get over it!

@FishyFriday I’m ok, I just thought my post might be outing so I withdrew it. Thank you for asking

I'm frustrated. It's the time again of EOW contact this weekend. Once again the week leading up to it is hell and all we do is argue. Latest is because I had midwife yesterday whereby she told me baby is measuring 3 weeks larger than should be, heads engaged and ready to go a month early and was all go go go for urgent growth scans. I finish work today and have been really up against it to handover etc jusy generally feeling the pressure. I'm not sleeping, can hardly walk with pelvic pain etc it's just pretty shit tbh. Anyway his divorce goes to court in August and he decided to start saying how depressed he is over the costs of it how its causing him so much stress etc. I politely said well we knew this would be the case with going to court you were forewarned and it's just a large bill due to the lead up of impending Court action next month. This is apparently not supportive enough and he kept on and on about giving Exw a proportion of the equity of the house etc and I said to him that I reallt didn't want to discuss it today I've had enough of discussing it, it is what it is we know all of that, I am sick of talking about Exw esp when I have more pressing matters. This then turned into a huge row that I am controlling, only happy if all about me etc. He said some massively nasty, vile and hurtful things. Told him that I'm struggling living in the fmh and his answer was pack your and your kids shit and leave then. He then decided that as its his house his dd can sleep where she likes and he doesn't want her sharing with the baby and would like her to share with my dd who is almost 13 I said no as that isn't fair to my dd and he again retaliated that that was me trying to be controlling and have it all my way. I can't win in this hell hole. He even told my dd that its his house his rules as I don't allow food upstairs and last EOW contact he was feeding dsd cereal bars and crisps whilst she was in bed. I feel so alone and I just want to leave its never going to be my home it's made planely clear. I'm just never happy and impossible to please apparently.

Now I have dsd coming Friday too and I just don't want to be around her or her father. It could just be the stress of a new baby, work etc but it's just not on to talk to your heavily pregnant partner in that way because she doesn't want to engage in conversation about your ex wife.

@Vie8126 I’m going to try and be really supportive given you are heavily pregnant.

It’s a fairly stressful time for the both of you. The hearing for financials can be very very stressful. And no one know going into it how it will pan out - if it’s a final hearing this will be where matters are sorted and it will be done and dusted. If it’s an FDR it may well not be. I’m not sure where your partner is in the process, but I’m not surprised he is stressed.
Equally I’m not surprised you are stressed and really not wanting to talk about the exwife (again).

The issue you have is not that you’ve had crossed words over it, but that he has had the reaction he has. I would be seething if anyone spoke to my child that way. And for all the issues my exp and I had, we would never have spoken to the other persons child/ children ever in such a way. I would never have told his children it was my house and my rules (even though it was very much my house). Any private crossed words would have remained private and never gone near any of the children.

My blunt reaction is to tell you to get out of this situation. I would not tolerate my child (or myself) being spoken to this way. But my caveat is that it is a deeply stressful time for the both of you and to try and talk again when emotions are more settled.

There clearly are wider issues regarding his DD and his contact time with her. Including the sleeping arrangements.
Playing devils advocate why is it that his DD has to share with the baby vs your DD? I tend to agree with him, I don’t think that is fair on his DD. Babies wake, make a lot of noise, can be very noisy sleepers (and it is a sure fire way of making his Dd resent the baby).

Listen I still don’t think the way he has spoken to you is remotely acceptable. The both of you are clearly frustrated and I would try and clear the air/ set some ground rules before the baby arrives.

@Vie8126 I'm sorry this time for you is being blighted by sc/nrp dynamics. Like sassbott said you are both under a huge amount of pressure.

Personally I'd be a massive drama queen and start packing my bags and go to my dms and not talk to him until he made a huge apology and we talked it out. I'm not sure if that's the right advice but if anyone told me it's my house and my rules I'd be gone. Do you think if you made a stand he'd apologise and see how deeply hurtful and damaging his talking to you and dd like that was?

@Vie8126 I'm so sorry you're having to go through such stress so close to your due date. It can't be easy

As others have said, you're dp going through a divorce, you almost at due date is going to cause friction and you're both bound to be snappy and grumpy. But, and this is a big but, if his reaction towards all this is to tell you to leave, tell you it's not your home and be nasty towards your dd, this to me is a huge red flag - and not something I'd tolerate. It means that you will now feel very unsettled at a very vulnerable time in your life. It doesn't matter if he apologises and tells you he didn't mean it, you can't take these things back.

In your shoes I'd use this time to take yourself out the situation, either by moving into a friends or family whilst you look for other accommodation. Lean on people who love you, they will help.

@Vie8126 I’m sorry but he sounds a total dick. Awful for you to be treated like this so close to due date

I’m so sorry @Vie8126 it sounds like the tensions are really high at the moment, and I’m hoping for your sake it’s because you are both going through a lot of pressure right now and it’s things that can be sorted. Either way it sounds like you need your space, it might help settle things a little so you can both be in the mindset to discuss rather than argue. I’m sorry he spoke to you like that, that is intolerable!!

I’ve spent the morning reading yet more slander about my DH and myself on here which has subsequently been deleted by MN due to the amount of negative replies and people calling out her lies.
I think I’m going to snap very soon and expose this bitch on her own thread. We are currently in court and I’ve screenshot the lot. Can this be used as evidence in fact finding?

Oh @Vie8126. It sounds so stressful.

Having been in a similar situation (my H's drama that was more important than the pregnancy was about covid and contact despite his ex's refusal to follow any rules, rather than divorce), I am extremely sympathetic. The feeling of not just being unsupported, but that your partner is actually a bit hostile towards you, while heavily pregnant and things not being entirely straightforward is dreadful.

Tbh, I agree with @StarryNight468 that you might want to consider packing yourself and your DD up and getting out of that FMH. It's not proving to be a good environment for you, and it's not going to feel like the safe space you'll need to come home to with a newborn. Is there anywhere you can go?

It doesn't have to be forever, but it does make it clear that you will not be verbally abused and demeaned. Not ever but especially while you are pregnant. This is his moment to step up and look after you and he's using his drama from his previous relationship to do the exact opposite. You may find that a living apart together arrangement works better for you anyway, because of your partner's choices and behaviour. In hindsight, I wish I'd kept my old house and I would have just told my H to leave and rent somewhere for contact with his other kids. That would have been much better all round, even if he had to accept being a PT father to all his children.

The bedroom thing... it doesn't matter right now. The baby won't need its own room straight away. So you can probably park that for a later argument.

Apart from anything it's clear from the room sharing issues that his FMH is not suitable as a home for you all anyway. So he needs to plan for moving to something suitable for his family rather than trying to pull rank over the house and accusing you of being controlling at every opportunity. In general, where the objectively weaker and more vulnerable party (that is obviously the heavily pregnant woman who lives in a house she doesn't own) is being accused of 'being controlling' it's actually a complaint that they aren't just lying down and doing what they're told.

It's contact weekend here this week too. I'm not looking forward to it in the least. The SC have not been here for weeks now because of contagious illnesses and isolating, so their behaviour will be shocking and the Disney dad bullshit will be off the charts. All the things we've worked hard to try to agree to try to make this liveable will go straight out the window because 'I've hardly seen them'. 😩

@Rawrythetiger

I’ve spent the morning reading yet more slander about my DH and myself on here which has subsequently been deleted by MN due to the amount of negative replies and people calling out her lies. I think I’m going to snap very soon and expose this bitch on her own thread. We are currently in court and I’ve screenshot the lot. Can this be used as evidence in fact finding?

Bloody hell.

Maybe try not to read it. She's clearly nuts.

@FishyFriday you’re absolutely right I shouldn’t keep reading. I’m going to end up as obsessed about her as she is about us at this rate

But it is so hard not to “read the diary” of someone who hates your guts for no good reason, especially when it’s readily accessible.

I’ve also got tons of hopefully useful evidence for the barrister (if they can accept it) so it’s been good for this at least.

@Rawrythetiger I'd be the same but yes don't look or you'll be just as obsessed as she is!

@Rawrythetiger my advice is don't bother looking and if you do by chance end up reading a thread - laugh.

[quote Rawrythetiger]@FishyFriday you’re absolutely right I shouldn’t keep reading. I’m going to end up as obsessed about her as she is about us at this rate

But it is so hard not to “read the diary” of someone who hates your guts for no good reason, especially when it’s readily accessible.

I’ve also got tons of hopefully useful evidence for the barrister (if they can accept it) so it’s been good for this at least.[/quote]
Oh I'd be so tempted too. But really do try to save yourself the irritation at it all.

Right. I'm meeting DSS Mum next weekend. Who else has met the Mum and how did it go?

@alwayswrighty

Right. I'm meeting DSS Mum next weekend. Who else has met the Mum and how did it go?

How did the meeting come about? How are you feeling about it?

I've met mum, but never on purpose. The first time she turned up at the FMH and started putting on a big show for her ex-neighbours. She was trying to make out that I was an evil OW and accusing me of trying to steal her house and her children.

Except... their marriage ended because of her infidelity. And she lives with the OM. I didn't even meet my husband until it was so properly over that he'd already submitted the divorce paperwork and she'd admitted the infidelity. She was cheating on him while they had a newborn baby. Or, at least, that's the point at which he can prove it from. It probably started during the pregnancy, or even beforehand. How she had the time or energy is beyond me!

I had my own (much, much nicer!) house and have my own children too. So why accuse me of wanting hers? Especially since they were selling the house. I was helping him make it vaguely saleable by redecorating when this all happened - because they'd been trying to sell it for many months with no interest. And she was getting all the equity in the settlement. So she should have been bloody thanking me for the labour that was ultimately for her benefit.

It was bizarre and embarrassing and I have no idea what she was trying to achieve. My toes are curling even thinking of the whole experience.

Since then, I have seen her as she drops the kids off but not spoken to her. I have no desire to speak to the woman and, generally, I make myself busy and insist that my husband answers the door when she drops the SC off.

So I'm guessing your meeting is likely to be far better than my experiences with my husband's ex. 😂