A support cafe for any step mums out there!

[Bananasinpyjamas21]

If anyone wants it, and just wants to vent or get advice, feel free to post how you are getting on as a step mum. Summer holidays are coming up and this can be a tricky time for step mums.

I used to post on these boards a lot for advice, as I had a really difficult time as a step mum. I’ve got a much better perspective now. I know it’s hard for step kids too, and much of the problems lie with our husbands.

I had three DSDs who are now all in their 20s. We had one child together, and I have an older son. My marriage collapsed because of the stress, mainly due to one older DSDs resentment, his Exes resentment and DH not handling it well at all and blaming me for all. I made many mistakes, the biggest of which was moving into the ‘family home’. Never doing that again. I just remember how hard it was, so if anyone else is going through it… feel free to share.

@Bananasinpyjamas21 that’s what I do I will be very calm and polite and not let it show how it gets to me. When OW was stalking me he knew I asked him to make it stop and he laughed at me and said “what can I do?” He just has no comprehension of how I was feeling and didn’t care. Life is supposed to improve when you leave (it has) but coupled with Exh and the SD it not always is!

It’s not the stepchildren for me but the lunatic ex wife. She has recently been diagnosed with a personality disorder, which was always obvious. She is a pathological liar and slanders both my DH and myself to anyone who will listen… including on here!

@Rawrythetiger on here?! Ouch!
@Tara336 it’s tough when you are trying to manage children too. I know what you mean, leaving is supposed to be better, however the problems sometimes follow us…

@Bananasinpyjamas21 it’s been… insightful… to say the least. Surprising how many women are happy to readily buy into the first wife victim story. Mind you, numerous posters have pointed out the inconsistencies and contradictions on many of the threads. I just sit back with popcorn watching a version of my life unfold on line

I feel a bit petty writing this down but I feel like it may be cathartic and help me get a grip.

DHs ex and he get on well for the sake of their son which I'm grateful for as who needs extra drama in their life. However and this is petty since she's known DH and I are married she has made a point of tagging him in every Facebook post going. Tonnes of timehops, at least daily, 'oh didn't we have a good time?' Or 'thank you for supporting me through this', 'remember when we viewed here for our wedding' (which never took place) etc. Occasionally it is about their son. She has asked him to take her and her daughter (different Dad) to Wembley for a concert (she won't drive on the motorway), go with her to garages to help her choose a car, etc, etc. DH declined taking her to Wembley but did help her choose a car (I don't have a problem with that, he is knowledgeable and his son is driven in it). If DSS has a birthday party on our weekend she'll insist that her and DH take DSS together instead of her or DH (DSS is 8 but has autism so sometimes struggles in these situations). I am irritated by the constant Facebook tags and stuff. Even one of her friends put a comment on saying 'I thought you'd split' because she tags him so much. She also buys him obscene amounts for Fathers Day, Birthday and Christmas.

Before she knew we were married. No requests for help, limited tagging on Facebook and only related to their son, a box of choccies and a card for Birthday, Christmas and Father's Day.

She threw an absolute shit fit when she found out we were married because DH hadn't told her and DSS wasn't invited. Didn't care that we hadn't invited any children (including DHs others and mine) because we had parents only on a week day when the children were at school. Mainly because we got married for legal security, not romantic reasons (we do love each other its just I nearly died 6 months before).

I know I'm being irrational and that I can't control what is posted on Facebook, but it really irritates me.

Sorry but thats hilarious @Rawrythetiger - I am quite sure dhs ex also has a personality disorder so I can feel your pain.

Well me and dh have argued mostly on our childfree weekend. I think it's to do with his projection again. He was complaining about my ds and my ex - when ex isn't in our lives as he speaks to and sees dc independently of me and making out like he's made a huge sacrifice to marry me. Apparently his relationship with dss has completely changed, he believes dss behaviour has got so bad because he's copying my ds (not true, dh has shown me videos of dss hitting him when he was a toddler and not getting his own way and dh finding it funny and my dc do not answer back like his ds does and has always done).

My ds isn't always perfect but I do deal with it. He isn't rude/sullen/attitude ect but he is a wind up merchant with my dd. He's also 14 and she's 15 and can also wind him up. It's not constant and it's not unmanageable where I can't leave them alone ect. He also has lots of positives and other people tell me how well brought up my dc are so I know it's projection from dh. I did go tit for tat and tell him all the things he does parenting wise that I've shut up about - sweets after not eating dinner ect and that people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Dh said if I don't clamp down on ds winding dd up he'll leave me.. I 100% do not believe my ds is how dh is making out and it's projection. I'm not saying ds is perfect but parents evening teachers all say what a lovely personality ds has even if he doesn't always do his work. He's not out smoking/drinking/setting fires he goes out for bike rides to my nans to walk her dog ffs.

Bloody hell @alwayswrighty. Does your DH have no fucking boundaries?

What you're describing is not acceptable in the least. All of it. The FB tagging. 😱 I mean, she looks like a desperate fool clinging on to her ex for all of social media. But he should have stopped this. It's perfectly reasonable to tell he to stop it and then block her if she doesn't. No one needs to maintain FB contact with an ex.

You are much more understanding than me. I'd have been annoyed with my H if he were going to choose a car with his ex. She's an adult; she needs to grow up and choose her own car. So what if his son will be driven in it? An adult should be able to buy a car that's safe for their child without dragging their ex into it.

@alwayswrighty you’re not being irrational. There are very few women who would be ok with this. She’s obviously annoyed you’re married and trying to wind you up and it’s working. Your DH should change his settings so she can’t tag him. I can empathise in that I’m recently married (been together for many years) and lo and behold next thing we hear from DSC is that she is getting married this year too totaoout of the blue. It really is pathetic when people carry on like this, tit for tat.

Totally out of the blue*

@FishyFriday I went nuclear when she asked him if he could give her a lift to Wembley (we live 2 hours away) which is why he didn't take her. On Facebook he has to approve what he is tagged in on his timeline and he never approves it. I've seen it because he's shown me other stuff on his Facebook approved list. It really is ludicrous but I'm also mindful that I don't want her to know it gets to me so bite my tongue, hard.

You're right, she does need to grow up. In many ways. She relies on both her children's fathers and her family for things that a grown woman should and is capable of doing.

You're right though, it does make her look desperate. For all the Facebook posting she does she's also never answered any questions as to whether they're still together or not.

@Rawrythetiger ironically we've been together 5 years, married 3 this year and she's still going. She was never bothered when we were just dating but as soon as we were married it all started.

When we were just dating she wasn't fussed about meeting me, as soon as she found out we were she tried telling DH she must meet me (never insisted with her first ex). I didn't meet her because DH told her if she hadn't been bothered until now what would be the point.

Just realised she also tags him in all her family celebrations like he is there too. Really odd imo.

Also DH is frightened she'll stop DSS coming here, but I told him she won't. Every opportunity she gets she sends him here, which is fine but obviously sometimes you need a day where you can sit in bed, eat crap food and watch crap TV 🤣

@StarryNight468 it really is funny. Most recently I learned I’m in my mid 20s (I wish!) and I’m desperate for a baby (absolutely not)

This is all to garner sympathy that her ex husband is with a “younger unemployed gf”to make him look like an old perv and me a gold digger. Never mind I’m in my 30s, married and DSC live with us the majority of the time. I love the kids so it’s all good but she’s even told people on here they don’t like me! That is not what the professional reports have said though.

I have to laugh. Definitely have more self control than I realised.

@alwayswrighty Jesus Christ, he needs to remove her from his FB, that's so far from appropriate.

@alwayswrighty I just don’t know why women show themselves up like this. When I split from my ex I never contacted him again (granted no children together, which makes it easier) but still I’d never play into that crazy ex stereotype. The truth is, some exes are just plain crazy and can’t help themselves.

I’m jumping on this board as very much needed!!

Not so much issues with SD, (anymore), mainly her mother but I’ve had my fair share of struggle over the past few years and there is always something to battle through.

My situation: been with my partner 3 years, one DD (10) one SD (8) all living together but the girls go to their other parents home half the week. We have our arrangements in place so that the girls are both home here at the same time during the week with the exception of my DD who spends more time here.

The girls get on generally, very much love each other like sisters.

@Rawrythetiger my ex has residence of our daughter long story and I have never and would never do anything of the sort. If we have things to discuss it is privately.

@alwayswrighty that’s how it should be

@alwayswrighty why on earth are they Facebook friends?!

Hints of the same issue with my DP and his DD’s mum, blocked on everything but last year she unblocks us, changes her profile picture to one of him and her on their wedding day and deletes and blocks all the comments of those who question it bloody loon.

@absolutecarnage .... love that username

Keep the peace is the real answer. He is VERY frightened she'll stop him from seeing DSS. Everyone knows this is not the case but he's had a very bad experience with his daughters Mum (disappeared with the girls never to be seen again) so he treads on egg shells and I hate to say it but I can't see it changing because of DSS additional needs.

Hints of the same issue with my DP and his DD’s mum, blocked on everything but last year she unblocks us, changes her profile picture to one of him and her on their wedding day and deletes and blocks all the comments of those who question it bloody loon

That is also bizarre

@alwayswrighty I’m going to go all out here but I believe a lot of men make excuses for the ex to be in their lives still ‘for the sake of the kids’ in instances where there is no need for them to be (including my own partner!) - social media is one of them. I’m pretty sure the world won’t fall apart if he blocked her from Facebook and I’m pretty sure it won’t affect his sons additional needs either.

My partner received a LOT of abuse off his ex wife over very petty things and it’s a regular occurrence (going mad over a hair clip not being returned across multiple messages kind of thing). To the point the stress of being pestered on holiday or just during the week when one message can create a bad mood affects everyone in the household. I’ve told him so many times to either get separate phone just for her and switch it on or check it when he needs to - him saying that he’s worried about how blocking her (even though she’s blocked him) will make him look bad in the courts eyes etc is invalid as the courts don’t give a toot. Loads of excuses.

If the Facebook thing is affecting you like it is, and like it would anyone, he needs to listen to you and address your needs and feelings by doing something about it. I think it’s just a case of putting your foot down with them sometimes and making them see it for what it really is.

@alwayswrighty

Hints of the same issue with my DP and his DD’s mum, blocked on everything but last year she unblocks us, changes her profile picture to one of him and her on their wedding day and deletes and blocks all the comments of those who question it bloody loon

That is also bizarre

Very bizarre. I confronted her partner about it as he’s not on Facebook and wouldn’t have had a clue. Apparently she got ‘hacked’.

I told him that no one on this planet would be interested enough in her life to go to the effort to hack her account and do that

@absolutecarnage I know you're right. Might take me a while for him to get there but he will.

@alwayswrighty that’s pretty embarrassing of the Ex on facebook. I get it, I was triggered too by DHs Ex - often reminiscing, bringing him homemade cakes ‘to say thank you’ for some job she got him to do on her house etc and also the picture of her in her wedding dress (to DH) on facebook - just why?! Looking back it’s very cringey.
Also had this with oldest DSD, who went totally overboard about how fantastic a photo was of DH who was posing with another woman - said that they looked great ‘together’ ha ha etc… whilst stayed very silent on photos of me and him. All very silly but I guess quite hurtful!