Meeting the ex wife…or not

[FlorenceandZebedee]

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

@Tiredoftattler It's not the eventual meeting that I would object to. It's the idea of a formal summons as a condition of meeting the children. I would not make the choice to be with someone who's ex was allowed that level of control.

Luckily for me DPs ex isn't like that, we met naturally and have a friendly, cordial relationship.

@FlorenceandZebedee

The whole reason I posted in step parenting was to try and take a view from that side as this is unknown to me. It’s clear from responses that this is not going to be easy for anyone. I know that I have no right to see her. I have no right to say whether she is appropriate to be with my children and I have no right to any say on how they spend their time when they are with their dad. I certainly don’t expect her to parent my children, that is their dad’s job, but by inviting them into her life and home she will have a relationship with them and be a key person in their lives. I reiterate that I am after a brief hello and chat to try and establish good relations for the sake of the children. That I am being seen as demanding or manipulative for this is unexpected. It may be that I don’t like her and have to suck it up. She might not like me and have to do the same. Or we might be ok with each other and that will surely benefit everyone?

@BadMotherLover your comments say far more about you than they do about me.

You are totally reasonable, I'd be doing the same.

@Tiredoftattler

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

No other woman can control what happens in your house. She may exert a lot of influence and say many things ,but her ability to control what happens stops at your door frame. The only actions taking place in your home are those that you permit and tolerate.

If men or women felt completely comfortable with their ex's decision making skills and judgement , they would most probably still be with them.

Ah yes because people don't change at all ever.

@Tiredoftattler

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

No other woman can control what happens in your house. She may exert a lot of influence and say many things ,but her ability to control what happens stops at your door frame. The only actions taking place in your home are those that you permit and tolerate.

If men or women felt completely comfortable with their ex's decision making skills and judgement , they would most probably still be with them.

That completely ignores the effects on the children of what happens in the other house.

I can’t and won’t ignore that. That’s something that WOULD make me a shit mother. I have a duty to my children to protect them and do the best for them in all circumstances.

@Tiredoftattler

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

No other woman can control what happens in your house. She may exert a lot of influence and say many things ,but her ability to control what happens stops at your door frame. The only actions taking place in your home are those that you permit and tolerate.

If men or women felt completely comfortable with their ex's decision making skills and judgement , they would most probably still be with them.

Hmm not really...unless the mum absolutely loses it or is really bitchy during a first meeting, it's not going to give much idea of her personality at all. Also lots of issues arise down the road when people actually remarry or have further children, rather than from day 1 when a mum is more comfortable that she has a say and that her kids are VIPs at dad's.

If men or women felt completely comfortable with their ex's decision making skills and judgement , they would most probably still be with them.

I also don't think this is true either. Lots of people split up for reasons totally separate from their abilities as a parent. My DP and his ex split due to their own failing relationship, not because either felt the other was a poor parent or they don't trust decisions made by the other.

I do think though that a lot of mums struggle with giving up total control of their children when they have to start handing them over to their dad, and I think that's where a lot of these requests to meet the new partner come from. It is a big period of adjustment and takes a long time to get your head around the fact that splitting up means that there will be a large chunk of your children's lives that you won't be a part of or be able to influence.

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

It’s like a first date. Everyone has their best face on and is on their best behaviour. In reality you’re unlikely to get a good insight into that person.

@ThatIsMyPotato - just for extra reassurance. Exh can be a bit 'off the grid' with his phone!
All that being said the dc were young at that time & it's not something I'd do with older dc.
Also - insist was the wrong word. I just said that I'd like us to be contactable for each other if she was going to be doing some childcare if exh got delayed at work or on his commute.

@aSofaNearYou I think it's all down to the relationship. I would never abuse anyone's phone number but it's been very useful for me to be able to contact dc's sm & her me.
Exh commutes & we have needed to contact each other from time to time re school runs/drop offs etc.
All that being said we have an amicable relationship.

[quote Magda72]@aSofaNearYou I think it's all down to the relationship. I would never abuse anyone's phone number but it's been very useful for me to be able to contact dc's sm & her me.
Exh commutes & we have needed to contact each other from time to time re school runs/drop offs etc.
All that being said we have an amicable relationship.
[/quote]
Yeah I totally get that, I respect that it probably fits naturally into an already friendly and chatty relationship. Personally, I think it's probably best not to ask for their number straight away and to let the relationship evolve a bit first, as I wouldn't like being put on the spot and asked for my number. I don't normally give my number out before I know and trust the person to a reasonable extent.

I’m really protective of my personal number. I deleted and blocked a friend who added me to two WhatsApp groups without asking me first.

No one I don’t know -and see a need for them to have it - gets my number.

@DinoHat

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

It’s like a first date. Everyone has their best face on and is on their best behaviour. In reality you’re unlikely to get a good insight into that person.

Yes. It's unlikely that the ex is going to put the full vitriol of display immediately. It comes out as you go along really.

Plus her influence does not stop at the door, as you'd assume. She uses the threat of stopping contact to exert control. And her choices and judgement manifest through her children's attitudes and behaviours, which affect everyone in this house. Really negatively in many ways.

In any case, if I say that I'd have run if I knew what I know now, I'm not really talking about the ex. She's a shit, but it's actually my husband's behaviour, attitude and responses to her (and their children's behaviour) that are the problem I'd run from. Some meet and greet session wouldn't have told me any of this. After all, I had loads of dates with my husband and none of this became apparent until after marriage/a baby.

And I do have complete confidence in my ex's ability as a parent. He's an extremely good father to DS. He was an absolutely awful partner to me and it's for the best that we split up. But I have no concerns about his judgement as a parent. In fact, I most often would totally agree with his decisions for DS.

But, even if I didn't feel that way, there's nothing I could do about it. He's as much DS's parent as I am and totally entitled to exercise his judgement as he sees fit.

@Magda72 thanks, that makes sense if she is doing childcare, like you say it's down to the relationship. I have zero relationship with her so no need.

I mean, she's not going to turn up and say: you're going to have to put up with rude and demanding children because I am going to teach them that 'I want... now... but I want it' is not how you ask for things.

Just as their father didn't want to admit to the various behaviour issues his children have, how it related to his ex's choices/personality/attitudes, or that his ex was in fact completely unreasonable and aggressive. Or that he was too lazy, full of guilt and scared of his ex to parent in any meaningful way. That's not how people sell themselves in dating, or even when you eventually meet the children (under controlled conditions, and where you are going to excuse all sorts on the basis that it's hard for them to adjust to this stuff).

The thing about the red flags around exes and SC/Disney dads is that you don't realise they're actually red flags. You think it's about how difficult it is to adjust for the children and are really understanding about poor behaviour as a result, not realising that they're just poorly behaved and their parents don't intend to improve this. You don't hear about what a nightmare the ex actually is, because anyone who starts out telling you about their 'crazy ex' is dating with the red flags flying for all to see.

@Magda72 DP's ex has my phone number, but it happened naturally as at one point she needed it as she needed to collect something of the girls from me while DP was away and we had already met a few times and established a relationship. I would not have been comfortable giving to her had she insisted upon it straight away.

My DH’s ex frequently tells both him and I that she is reasonable.

Needless to say the fact we have to be told she’s reasonable and can’t come to that conclusion all by ourselves is because she is anything but reasonable.

@DinoHat I k ow I’m on the other side of this but my ex and his wife spent years telling my kids I was unstable/crazy/going to hell/not quite wise/a horrible person.

I never countered any of it - there’s no point. My kids came to see by themselves exactly what the truth was.

But they’d come on here and say I was unstable/mental/deranged/evil and that they needed this or that and sound so calm and reasonable whilst doing it. I actually thought I was going mad.

For example. I asked for their address when they moved intogether because my minor children were going to be staying there. They refused to provide it. Fine. (Honestly) the kids have phones it’s no big deal.

I moved and he asked me for my address because the kids were going to be resident with me. I had to call the police on more than one occasion to get them to leave outside my previous house shouting and battering on my door. He took me to court to get my address and put on the poor me act to the judge.

But I said no problem as long as he gives me his

Which was what was ordered. And he still thinks that wasn’t fair because he wasn’t resident parent.

It should cut both ways.

Posted too soon. I’ve moved since the children were adults and he has asked me for my new address. I’ve refused. I expect to be taken to court for it anytime soon. I’ll still refuse.

You’re not really “on the otherside” we are both people with our own set of circumstances. There are no sides.

I mean, she's not going to turn up and say: you're going to have to put up with rude and demanding children because I am going to teach them that 'I want... now... but I want it' is not how you ask for things.

That should say, this is what she teaches them to say. Apparently the should just say what they want at all times.

I think it's just so dreadful I can't bring myself to type anything other than it is not how you ask for things. No way.

Admittedly this is the only bit of parenting my husband is really on board with. He is now really embarrassed by it in public. His ex had insisted that girls in particular need to learn to aggressively demand things. He's realised that a 7 year old girl stamping her foot and demanding her dad does something is really not ok with him now.

@DinoHat

You’re not really “on the otherside” we are both people with our own set of circumstances. There are no sides.

I am so glad you said that @DinoHat

So often we seem to think it's Step Mum vs Mum rather than women who are (mostly) doing their best and often dealing with very difficult circumstances.

Yup - many SM are also Mothers too and people tend to forget that.

@DinoHat

You’re not really “on the otherside” we are both people with our own set of circumstances. There are no sides.

Agreed, we're all just trying to muddle through best we can

I mistakenly posted on another thread.

I wouldn’t insist on meeting anyone and nor do I think it’s in my children’s best interests that I do.
I trust my exh and he has friendships/ takes the children to spend time with people I haven’t met. I trust his judgement and have no need to ‘vet’ who is around the Children.

I have zero problems in it happening naturally (as it did with my exh and my exp). Gradually over a period of time at pick ups etc. My exh was respectful towards my exp and my exp was very respectful towards my exh.

My exp’s EW did try and insist that I met her. Given her high conflict behaviour, I agreed to meet but only with a mediator present and with an outline of what she would like to use the time to discuss. Funnily enough with that ‘formal’ offer she never took me up on it. So I doubt her wanting to meet me had anything to do with my being around her children and everything to do with control and knowledge.

If anyone’s EXW ‘insisted’ on meeting me? I’d tell them (and my partner) to take a hike. A request? Sure. But expecting it / feeling entitled to it? Nope.

And I say that (if it’s not clear) with both my mother hat and ex pseudo SM hat on.