Meeting the ex wife…or not

[FlorenceandZebedee]

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

We get on really well with my husband's ex - she's and her new husband have been here for dinner parties and other events lots of times. It's nice for the children for us all to be all together (although the older 'children' are all grown up now!)

Actually 2019user44 shows a lack of understanding about the legal position of step-parents, whether legal or de-facto.

It also shows an ignorance of how some separated parents treat their ex's partner(s).

As a step-parent you have less status and recognition than a childcare provider. Childcare providers have to be registered and background checked.

You are just a random unrelated adult who is allowed by the parent you are in a relationship with, to have contact with their child.

As long as you are not a proven child abuser or the child doesn't make complaints about you the Courts will allow you to have contact with your partner's child. This is even if their mother decides to make up reasons why she doesn't like you.

(Btw I'm saying this as a step-parent and step-child.)

My partner.s ex demanded to meet me so I felt I had to, for my partner.
She came across as lovely, very courteous. Though her narcissistic personality shone through. She asked for my phone number but I didn’t give it to her. Myself and dp and discussed things she might ask and decided on what answer I would give.
This was just after I met their kids for the first time and it hasn’t happened since, apart from bumping into each other, and then it’s just a polite ‘hello’.

I have never met anyone my ex has been with and I don’t feel that it’s something I would need.

Oh and I've never met my DP's ex nor one of my step-mothers. In both cases it was due to their behaviour that threatened the well-being of children.

Just because someone is a mother it doesn't mean they are a well adjusted individual.

I met and got on very very well with my now exdh's ex wife. She and her DH came to our wedding. I'd quite often pick the dsc's (3 of them) up or drop them off, stay for coffee and a chat etc. It was a really nice relationship that benefitted everyone enormously, especially the dsc. It doesn't always have to be tense and awkward.

The first few women my ex was with didn't last so the kids didn't meet them, but when he settled down with the one that did, I took the children round to his house when she was there, they gave her a bunch of flowers, we introduced ourselves, I stayed for about 10 mins then left them all to it.

We did birthdays, one christmas, Sunday lunches etc. together. We got on really well. Four years later they split up, but we're still really good friends! He hates it!

I've not asked or had any interest in my ex partner/gf. She was ow. And likely to of been lies about me.

The children tell me she is kind and that is all I need to know.

The children aren't there a lot so I don't feel the need to know her in anyway. And ex has narc traits. And I don't want to give him any ammunition to run me down or feel he has any rights in be nosey into my life.

If she wanted to meet me then I would have said yes but it's been years now and the only thing that's changed is I now have my own DC so if she asked now I'd probably turn round and ask why now and refuse. I'm not jumping when she asks now.

My DM met my step mum before she and my DF married. They got along fine when they met and it was nice for me that relationships were pleasant.

It's nice to read the stories on this thread of adults who have managed to meet with exes/new partners and it was a positive experience.

A change from many of the threads here and reassuring that many people can and do put the children's wellbeing first.

Really interesting to read your comments some very opposing views! Although I know I have no ‘right’ to meet her it feels completely wrong that another adult would spend so much time with my DC without me having even spoken to them. My hope is that by meeting her, hopefully amicably, my children will feel able to be open with me about their time at their dads and also that she’ll see that I’m approachable should the need to contact/see me arise. I think one poster said friendly but not friends and that’s what I would ideally like-I appreciate it may not happen that way but I’d want to try. I wouldn’t make a big deal if it but just saying hi and a few minutes chat if I picked them up or something would be enough.

I met my ex's now ex wife and we've been friends ever since. Our dc are half siblings and he's quite shit at being a dad, so it's lovely for our dc to have us to facilitate them knowing each other as well as they do.

Otoh, there's no way I want to meet my h ex. She's completely unstable. Apart from a friendly hello and pick ups/drop offs I will not have anything to do with her. She's not a very nice person and I have no desire to put myself at risk, physically and professionally as she has recently headbutted h and made false ss allegations. It is a shame as I went into being with h wanting to be friends with dss dm as friendly coparenting is better for dc.

Not “officially” since she became Ex’s Gf but she was a work colleague of his I’d met plenty of times before but I see her around town with her kids and say hi / has a nice little chat to her about their holiday when I dropped off DS1 passport (pre covid!)

I didn’t feel the need to
Meet her really. As far as I was concerned what ex did on his time
Was his business and as DS1 d as I fully trusted him to make responsible parenting decisions.

Ex also had no interest in meeting my now DH who as a stepdad takes on the “dad”
Roll on my time so helping with homework, school drop
Off and pick up, looks after all the kids if I’m sick etc

Redmarauder as a family lawyer I fully understand the legal position of step parents and as the mother of a child who goes to my ex despite his partner being a complete nightmare (doesn’t even want photos of my child sent to my ex / any slight change to routine causes a monumental meltdown and rowing to the extent they can’t have my child / does not want my ex to enter my house despite the fact my child would love to show their daddy their bedroom- the list is endless)I fully understand this but despite this I continue to give her flowers, treat her kindly etc because I realise it’s better for my child for the adults in her life to get on! I hope one day my ex’s partner will come round to this. Your message Re The legal position Re step parents is correct but that doesn’t make it right or the best thing for the children involved. I say this from years of experience working on cases where parents are in dispute about their children. Hats off to all those posters above making it work. To those where one side is being a nightmare, my view for what it’s worth is still show kindness to them, your children/ step children will recognise this - maybe now now but as adults with their own children. You can’t change anyone else but you can show that it doesn’t have to be that way.

I have not met my DPs ex and have no interest in doing so. If it was presented as a demand it would be a flat no.

In terms of it being "what's best for the kids" - us all talking regularly might be good for him, but that is never going to happen so I see no real reason why one meeting without him there would make any difference to him. I already know I'm not a child napper, as does DP, so this would really just be for the mum's benefit. That's something I might indulge if she weren't arrogant and pushy about it, but so many on here infer they would present it as a demand, in which case it would definitely be a no.

If you ask in a friendly way and things are already amicable, she might not mind doing it.

Ok, so I’m new to all of this and time and experience may change my views but I’m surprised that someone would view a request to be met as ‘indulging’ a mum. In everyday life I wouldn’t let my children have a play date with someone I hadn’t at least met/spoken to/exchanged numbers with so why would I not want to know who will be looking after my children-potentially at some points by themselves if circumstances arise which dictate this? I would always make the request politely as demands will never go down well but I wouldn’t see it as someone doing me a favour I’d see it as normal for someone who was inviting children into their lives and home to want the best for them and that would mean as good communication as possible….

I have no desire to meet my fiancé's ex wife. After all she's put him through and the vile things she's said about me despite never having met me, I want nothing to do with her even after being together nearly 5 years (and no I was not the other woman, despite the lies she's told people about me!)

What if you don’t like her OP?

When you’re dating again, if that’s on the cards, will you expect your new partner to meet your ex? What if he says no? Will it be a deal breaker because your ex’s feelings carry more weight with you than your new partner’s?

@FlorenceandZebedee

Ok, so I’m new to all of this and time and experience may change my views but I’m surprised that someone would view a request to be met as ‘indulging’ a mum. In everyday life I wouldn’t let my children have a play date with someone I hadn’t at least met/spoken to/exchanged numbers with so why would I not want to know who will be looking after my children-potentially at some points by themselves if circumstances arise which dictate this? I would always make the request politely as demands will never go down well but I wouldn’t see it as someone doing me a favour I’d see it as normal for someone who was inviting children into their lives and home to want the best for them and that would mean as good communication as possible….

Well, your tone here suggests it's more of a demand/expectation than you think it is.

First of all, why would you be surprised or offended by the word "indulge"? It just means to give you what you want, which is what would be happening here.

Secondly, childcare providers are offering you a paid for service, and as such have an obligation to satisfy you. That is not true of random people that happen to be around your kids.

Thirdly, the "vetting" has already been done by the child's other parent. I may not allow my child to go on a play date with someone I hadn't met but I obviously WOULD allow my DP, her dad, to make the call on whether they were alright to introduce her to when he was there. The fact that you don't get to be there when that judgment is made now, is a consequence of you splitting up, and not anyone else's obligation to make more comfortable for you, especially at the expense of their own comfort.

Which brings me on to my last point. Of course she would be doing you a favour, and you need to come to terms with that. Believe it or not unrelated people's lives rarely revolve around satisfying people that they are fit to be in the presence of their children, however natural you see that desire as. Due to the position you are in, you are asking for and expecting a favour.

DH ex requested to meet me...she also asked to meet my extended family but we’ve since declined. I just did a handover, and DH has answered any questions she might have about my family (i found this intrusive to be honest).

It’s different to meeting teachers, etc as DF has parental responsibility, legally whatever he chooses to do on his time is up to him unless there is a welfare concern.

My feeling towards it is what would DM mum do if she didn’t DF new partner...?

I met DSDs mum around the time that me and DH moved in together; just for a cup of tea at drop off. I understood that as I was spending a lot time with her DD she wanted to meet me and it was also good for DSD to see us all getting on. It also broke the ice, then in future at pick up and drop offs I’d say hi and maybe have a brief chat

I don’t think you can really compare it to a play date though as it’s someone that the other parent knows; if my DH suggested taking our DC to one of his friends houses then I wouldn’t expect to have met them as DH has and I trust his judgement.
If I were in DSDs mums position then I’d have wanted to meet someone spending a lot of time with their DD though.

Thanks so much for all the responses. The purpose behind my post was to try and understand peoples experiences behind meeting ex partners when children are involved as I’m trying to navigate this new situation and want to do it as painlessly as possible for the children. It’s clear how many people have very difficult back stories which impact their decisions. I’m keen to avoid this by keeping communication as open as possible between all parties.
I take issue with the word indulge as it has connotations of allowing someone to have something pleasurable that they want but don’t need which isn’t how I would view this.

@User135792468

I think it’s important for all to meet. You don’t need to speak regularly or have contact, but if my dc were to spend half of their time in another woman’s house, I would want to have met her. Even though parenting falls to their dad, naturally she would care for the dc too. The only women who refuse to meet the ex are either cold bitches or not mothers themselves.

I think this says more about you than women who decline to meet their partner's ex really.

I have children. And I'm not a cold bitch. But I have precisely zero interest in meeting his ex. She's his problem. I don't need her number or to interact with her. If disaster struck my husband, the SC would be fine with me until their mother had been contacted.

My ex has never asked to meet my husband. They have no relationship whatsoever and never interact with one another. My DS lives here 11/14 nights, which is far more than the SC are here. I've never met any partner of my ex's either. We have a perfectly amicable coparenting relationship for our DS. My husband's involvement in that is not required.

My husband's ex lives with her affair partner. She's never offered to have him meet my husband. And he's never asked. They do not have an amicable coparenting relationship. But that's their fault and sod all to do with me. I don't need to get involved in any of that. I'd imagine her partner is happy to stay out of it too.

Neither of our exes has ever met our DS. They don't need to. They're not relevant to his life really.

The thing is, when you separate from the father of your children, you are basically stepping back from the time your children spend with him. He can introduce them to whoever he likes. It's just not up to you.

Separating when you have children is heartbreaking in lots of ways. And not living FT with your children or having any input into their life with your now ex is one of the many hard things you just have to learn to accept.

That's the reality of the situation. Acknowledging that isn't cold. It just isn't a SM's job to make the ex feel better about the situation.

If everyone wants to meet up and hang out then that's fine and dandy. But many people won't want to. You just have to accept that your ex is entitled to make his own judgements and it's totally out of your hands.