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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 14:59

And @Bancha what about when the ex doesn't have enough "respect" to meet you?

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 15:04

then you have to have enough respect for everyone involved

Why do I have to have respect for a woman who was abusive to my children and who connived with my ex to deceive me and her husband for almost a year sneaking around and having back seat cheap hotel fucks? While I was being told I was going mad? It was me I had to change I was paranoid etc etc?

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 15:09

I'd have respect for her if she showed respect for us.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 15:10

@ThatIsMyPotato

I'd have respect for her if she showed respect for us.
Mypotato I agree 100% with what you just said.
Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 15:11

Same here.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/05/2021 15:16

There’s a lot of my way or the high way on show here. If there’s one thing guaranteed to make amicable or at least stress-free coparenting very hard it’s exactly that.

wickedwitchofthedance · 23/05/2021 15:23

I'd let it happen naturally. I trusted my ex with who he had around our boys and didn't feel the need to meet his partner straight away when she was introduced to our boys. I met her at pick ups etc and my boys liked her so I was happy enough.

itsgettingwierd · 23/05/2021 15:28

I met my XP's wife.

She was very good with DS and always made sure his father organised birthday and Xmas presents for him etc.

She had a step parent and said from day 1 she understands what it's like for the child and wouldn't ever step in my toes but absolutely would step up as first in line if my father or me were unwell or stuck in traffic after work etc.

In fact - when her and XP split and we're getting divorced it was her who told me. I never heard from his father from that day and he never so much received another gift.

She moved back to her own country but we kept in touch for a few more years until it just sort of fizzled out. Ds and I had moved back to U.K. by then so there wasn't any physical contact anyway.

Tiredoftattler · 23/05/2021 15:33

OP, my ex and I agreed as part of our divorce agreement that we would not introduce our children to any partner if or until the relationship had reached a very serious stage and we were contemplating marriage and that would be introduced to the other parent prior to meeting the kids.

We both adhered to this and neither of our subsequent partners objected to this. He dated many women before he met his wife. He did not introduce my children to these women because he had no need to do. We were both in agreement that the children had no role to play in our adult love lives.

We have a mutually satisfying coparenting relationship, our spouses get on well together and the children are able to move between homes without there being any conflict or animosity. We can sit together at school events and share joint social activities. His wife and I have become friends and he and my husband will go golfing or to sporting events with the boys. We all know that we have no interest in what happens in our respective households except that which relates to the kids.

The kids have all been advised that tale bearing between homes is not acceptable and any problems experienced in a particular home are to be resolved in that home.

The kids are kids and have the usual kids complaints but they know that they have a solid support system around them and they seem secure in the environment that we have all worked so hard to create.

aSofaNearYou · 23/05/2021 15:54

Personally, I disagree. I think if you’re going to have a relationship with someone with children (and spend time with the children - if not, it’s a totally different thing) then you have to have enough respect for everyone involved to meet the children’s other parent. If not, don’t have a relationship with someone with children.

Why do you have to meet them to have respect for them?

RedMarauder · 23/05/2021 15:58

@ThatIsMyPotato

I'd have respect for her if she showed respect for us.
100% agree.

I don't see why I'm suppose to see women who think it is ok to threaten me and other members of my family simply because they are a mother.

It is not OK to threaten the well-being of your partner's other children whether they a few days old, teens or adults.

Twinmomma123 · 23/05/2021 16:36

@EnoughnowIthink
You could take it to court, you can’t legally make anybody meet with anyone in these situations. DSD mum tried, I met her to keep the peace. Doing her a favour...wish I hadn’t to be honest as it’s just opened the door for her to direct her aggression at me

Vie8126 · 23/05/2021 16:36

Very naturally by being seperate your child will come into contact with people you haven't met and you can't control it, equally in your own life you will make new friends/relatives that will come into contact with your children or even babysit children and your ex won't have the opportunity to meet them beforehand. I have never needed to meet my ex husbands partners as he is an equal parent to me albeit on a EOW basis but he has parental rights as much as I do, I am no longer part of his life and his choices as he isn't mine. I wouldn't dream of demanding to meet his partner (or could equally be new stepmother, sister in law etc) as I have to trust his judgement as he does mine.

On the other hand my DPs ex wife made ridiculous demands to meet me including screaming in my Mils face for my address. A court gave her the meeting she wanted and I went and briefly met her when returning dsd to her one weekend where she screamed in my face and demanded it wasn't enough. I don't have anything to do with her now and have never seen her since. I am not quite sure what she gained from the meeting as you will never fully know the other party and they could still be anyone!

There will be no doubt the normal answers whereby the stepmother is the second class citizen and has to bow to the ex wife's demands and put herself bottom of every ladder and everyone's needs.

Lostmyway86 · 23/05/2021 16:50

I'm the step mum and offered to meet DH's ex before I met the children. She outright refused and has been hideous to me ever since. Met in person a few times but always rude. P.s she was already in another relationship before I met DH and I've always treated her children very well. I would have liked to meet and for things to be amicable but it wasn't to be. If she is happy to meet then go ahead but she also may not wish to and that's also fine. Best thing is for the children to not here\see adults at each others throats and always talking positively. Very often the other way around though.

Lostmyway86 · 23/05/2021 16:52

*hear

RedMarauder · 23/05/2021 16:59

@EnoughnowIthink I do know couples who were told by judges to say "Hello" to one another like @Vie8126 experience.

However a brief "Hello" doesn't give you the right to give the other adult loads of information about your child simply because they are not the main carer of your child when they are with their father. It is their father who is the one who has parental responsibility and has the legal duty to meet your joint child's needs.

Also for those talking about not meeting in abusive situations, in my cases the abuse did not occur until later down the line. In other words the women weren't abusive until they decided the father of their child(ren)'s current/previous partners and/or other children were getting something they wanted.

corahallett · 23/05/2021 17:05

When DP and I first moved in together ex-W said she wouldn't allow overnights until she'd met me (I'd met DSC multiple times by this point but I stayed at mine when they were staying with DP). So I did it to keep the peace. She asked for the meeting on the basis of wanting to meet me for DC's sake but tbh there was absolutely no need for it, it would have been much nicer / more natural if I'd met her briefly on a drop off or something. As it was, it was 1/2 an hour of her grilling me about my job, my job security(!), my background, my home, where the kids would sleep, my experience with children and so on. Stuff DP could easily have told her. I swear she was on the verge of asking me my salary at one point. At the time I had a really well paid job, so I had an expensive bag / jewelry / coat etc and she sat there with a face like a sour lemon obviously trying to get a good look at my things.

The meeting served absolutely no purpose at all... I must have passed some kind of test as she did allow the kids to stay overnight after that, but really all it did was give her chance to nosy into my life, she wasn't interested in any kind of amicable relationship with me which I'd kind of thought was what we might achieve if we met, and I was still relegated to waiting at the end of the road when we did dropoffs so she didn't have to see me! And no I wasn't the OW before anyone asks, they'd been split for over a year before I even met DP.

I wouldn't do it again.

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 17:36

corahallett's experience raises a good point OP, be careful what sort of questions you ask as a lot of them might be none of your business.

Original poster
FlorenceandZebedee · 23/05/2021 17:56

It has been really interesting reading these responses and certainly made me think about what would be the benefit of the meeting. I never thought of it as an opportunity to grill her and haven’t made any suggestion that the children shouldn’t be able to meet her before I ‘vet’ her-they have already had a brief meeting. I know that is not my place and am not interested in her beyond the fact that she will be part of my children’s lives as they grow up so naturally will impact them. What I really want is for the children to know that they don’t have to keep anything from anyone and it’s not their place to try and please or protect me or their dad (my DS is very empathetic and inclined to do this) but are allowed to have their own feelings about things and that as adults our job is to help them with these. By meeting I would hope this keeps things open, shows that we are all ok and that this allows good communication. We’ll see, I remain hopeful..

OP posts:
Bancha · 23/05/2021 18:16

Goodness, well, it’s not an instruction! Just my opinion Smile

I would want to meet anyone who was spending large amounts of time with my children. I don’t think that’s unusual or unreasonable. It’s fine if you do, obviously.

It’s also, for me, more about trying to make the best of a bad situation for the kids. A civil relationship between parents and step parents is the best thing for children, so that would be my priority.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 18:33

How would you make that a “priority” in the situation where the step parent and non resident parent were emotionally abusive to you and your children?

RedMarauder · 23/05/2021 18:50

OP if you do drop offs or pick ups from their house then a polite greeting if she comes to the door is all you need to do.

If they stay together for decades or she has children with him then it is very likely you will end up talking to her more.

However if you try to assert control by demanding to meet her and don't show you understand where the boundaries with her lie e.g. you have no right to meet her, then it is less likely to happen.

Remember while I have two horrible experiences I've also had a lovely one. The lovely one took years to build up, while the horrible ones took months to come to a head.

In regards to your joint children, whether you meet her or not, it is your attitude when their father and his new partner are mentioned by your children will govern whether they continue to mention them in your presence. You don't need to meet someone to have a pleasant attitude when they are mentioned in conversation.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 18:50

Yes I'd like to know how to make that a priority when the ex threatened my life and that of my unborn child. Had my car window smashed. Assaulted dp in front of their child.

izzzzzzzzzzzzzz · 23/05/2021 19:02

Abusive relationships aside, I think it's very reasonable to want to meet an adult your child is spending a lot of time with.

I was fine meeting my DP's ex, and we think it's quite strange that my DP has never her partner who she was already with when we met.

It isn't something my DP would absolutely insist on though, ultimately it is her partner's choice.

Bancha · 23/05/2021 19:27

I really don’t understand people taking offence to my opinion like this Grin

I’ve said that if you’re going to get into a relationship with someone who has children you have to be willing to meet (and be civil with) the other parent. The thought of my DC having a step parent who wouldn’t even want to meet me is horrible for everyone, especially the children. I think that is a totally reasonable position, as does my DH (we discussed this before having children) so that’s really all that matters for our circumstances.

The OP doesn’t mention any abuse and she wants to meet the new partner. My opinion is that this is absolutely reasonable and in the best interests of her children. The OP asked for opinions on her situation and I, like many others, gave my opinion.

It’s just my view. It doesn’t make your opinion wrong, it’s just different, and that’s okay ✌🏻