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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
FishyFriday · 24/05/2021 08:29

@Bancha you must have quite young children. The thing is, as they get bigger, they spend loads of time with adults (and other kids) that you've never met.

They go to secondary school and you don't even have the chance to meet half their teachers, because you only get 4 5 minute meetings several months into the year and have to choose the teachers you see. They go to lessons and clubs where you don't meet the teacher (my DS spends 12 hours a week with a sports coach I didn't see or speak to for many months after he started). They go on residential trips without you. They go to friends houses and may have sleepovers and you haven't met their friends parents.

In the case of a new partner your ex has met the person and is using their judgement. You have to rely on that, just as you rely on the school or the club or the residential centre having the judgement and hire decent people and have processes in place.

Magda72 · 24/05/2021 09:06

If my DH had an affair and the OW/new partner was going to be involved with my kids I would want to meet her. I would want to be civil. I would want the situation to be as good as possible for my children.
I've only just seek this post for some reason & @Bancha this truly is a very naive comment!
This was my situation exactly & even though I've detailed a friendly situation in my previous post it took me a very long time to get there & I certainly didn't 'want' to meet or be civil. I was devastated from the fallout of my ex's cheating. The fact that I did meet (casually) and was civil does not mean it was easy or that I didn't struggle for a very long time.
The fact of the matter is that we have to learn to separate the person from the action (cheating/separation/divorce etc.) - I had to learn to do that with my exh & the ow, his new partner & it was by far one of the hardest things I've ever done.
However many 'first wives' just cannot do this; some because they are very hurt by cheating/rejection & don't have the tools or support to cope better, but many more 'first' wives behave badly (imo) because even though they don't want their exes they cannot deal with them moving on & other women being party to their dc. The first is somewhat understandable & new partners have to take on board the consequences of their actions & realise their sdc's dm has a 'right' to be somewhat 'hostile' & time may need to pass for things to settle. The second is less understandable imo.
I had to learn to trust my exh to do right by his dc even if he had stopped doing right by me (as they are two very different relationships) & to that end I had NO right to exert any control over his choices & his home. That is what divorce brings with it & too many 'first wives' do not seem to grasp the fact that formal separation/divorce nullifies your 'right' to any say in your ex's life.
As a separated/divorced mother you have to learn to examine title reasons for wanting 'input' into your ex's household.

Do you want a civil relationship & an exchange of phone numbers to relieve awkwardness at drop offs & for emergency reasons? Or, are you trying to exert your position as the alpha female Luas

Magda72 · 24/05/2021 09:08

Aaagh pressed post by accident.
Should read
Or are you trying to exert your position as the alpha female in both your ex & dc's lives and are therefore trying to impose your parenting & influence on both households!

Cadburyflakeicecream · 24/05/2021 10:13

I have no issue with my ex moving on. She’s welcome to him.

I have an issue with the emitional abuse she and he perpetrated on my children and the lies they told about me.

I don’t want to meet someone who told my children vile lies about me and who collided with my ex to destroy two marriages. And also colluded with my ex to emotionally abuse my children.

My children have no contact with her now and for a long time have only seen their dad on his own.

Can someone explain to me what benefit it would bring for my children to see me being civil to someone who treated them appallingly? I wouldn’t have to do it in any other area of life, so why should I have to just because she is married to my ex?

DinoHat · 24/05/2021 10:21

At Cadburyflake, you don’t have to.

ThatIsMyPotato · 24/05/2021 10:35

@Magda72

I also insisted (to exh) that she have my number & I hers in case of emergency & I think that's only right

Just wondering why you need her number? I can understand her wanting yours incase DH is incapacitated but why would you need hers? In an emergency you'd just call your ex? I'm not saying you shouldn't just wondering what I'm missing becuase I'm not sure I'd be comfortable giving my number to SC's mum.

aSofaNearYou · 24/05/2021 10:41

@ThatIsMyPotato Yes, I wouldn't give my SCs mum my number either, though I suppose I might do if I already had an established positive relationship with her.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 24/05/2021 10:45

Well according to some here I’ve been a shit mum coz I’ve not met her.

As for having my number. My 2 youngest have changed their numbers so she doesn’t have them and told their dad if he gives her their numbers they will stop contact with him. Why on earth would I give her my number?

ilovemydogandMrObama · 24/05/2021 10:48

Yes, you totally should meet her.

One of my good friends, has a really lovely relationship with all the, 'ex'es' and are treated like extended family.

My friend and her ex DH had a child together, and was quite amicable divorce, and both now have new partners. Her and new DH have a child together and he sometimes goes to her ex'es with his (half) brother for the weekend, and they all get together for BBQs (they are in Florida so quite frequent!)

You will have a long connection with ex DH, so it makes sense to establish a good relationship with his new wife, even if it's just cordial.

ThatIsMyPotato · 24/05/2021 10:48

Cadburyflakeicecream you don't have to give her your number. It's up to you, as long as both parents have each others details then it should be fine. If dad dies or something then the kids will have your number.

DinoHat · 24/05/2021 10:54

My DH’s ex doesn’t have my number. She asked, I refused. I have seen her harass DH and know she would abuse it.

LumpEmTogether · 24/05/2021 11:03

I've always been the same as @AnneLovesGilbert although I have, by chance, met my DHs ex and exchange polite small talk at the door on occasion.

But I have never, nor do I want to, exchange numbers with her or plan some forced 'meeting'. My husband and his ex are his children's parents, I do not get involved and I've no interest in being so. I don't want there to be any opportunity for me to end up in the firing line etc... By her having the ability to contact me directly.

We are civil but I'm not her friend. She treats and speaks to my husband horribly, why would I have any interest in being friends with her? For the sake of the children we are polite but that's as far as it goes.

LumpEmTogether · 24/05/2021 11:03

And as with other PPs, the kids have their phones and can contact her themselves if needs be.

LumpEmTogether · 24/05/2021 11:05

Even if they didn't have phones though, I wouldn't want to have each others numbers. Like others, it would be abused I imagine.

In an absolute dire emergency, I'd have to contact her on social media I guess (neither of us have each other blocked but not friends).

ThatIsMyPotato · 24/05/2021 11:07

I was thinking with phone calls etc they can do whatever they would have done if I didn't exist. But I'm wondering if I'm missing a scenario in which she would need mine.

DinoHat · 24/05/2021 11:12

@ThatIsMyPotato

I was thinking with phone calls etc they can do whatever they would have done if I didn't exist. But I'm wondering if I'm missing a scenario in which she would need mine.
Exactly.
Cadburyflakeicecream · 24/05/2021 11:17

I have her blocked. And him. On social media. I have his number. If something catastrophic happened I suppose I would contact his parents on their landline (assuming it hasn’t changed) or I’d pass it to the now adult children to do whatever they saw fit.

I have zero interest or wish to give his new wife my number. Don’t I get to have agency over my own life? Even when the kids were small she didn’t have it unless he gave it to them.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 11:35

Sorry but I don't agree that you're right to request to meet her. There is nothing to be achieved for anybody and realistically what happens if you come away not liking her? You can't change anything and it will just service to wind yourself up.

I had been with my DP for about 3 years before I met his ex, and that is only because it cropped up naturally as I was present for a drop-off, which I never usually was. She never asked nor expected to meet me, all she cared about was that I was nice to her kids, and she trusted her ex (my DP) not to introduce somebody inappropriate.

RedMarauder · 24/05/2021 11:36

@Cadburyflakeicecream you aren't a shit mother for refusing to meet her.

I would probably call you out for if you had tried to meet her as you would be putting your children in more danger from her.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 11:40

Also, I would never give the ex my number. Tbh I was not 100% about even giving it to my SS because it would mean she had access if she wanted it.

And she's a totally normal woman!! So I don't expect any abuse etc, but I don't want her calling/texting me if she can't get hold of my DP and I don't want her seeing my whatsapp pics etc.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 11:47

I just honestly can't see any reason for a mother/father to demand to meet a new partner except to exert their influence and make the new partner feel their presence.

There are LOADS of people in children's lives that their parents never meet, at least in the case of a new partner one of the parents does have a close relationship with them.

Bibidy · 24/05/2021 11:49

@FlorenceandZebedee

Ok, so I’m new to all of this and time and experience may change my views but I’m surprised that someone would view a request to be met as ‘indulging’ a mum. In everyday life I wouldn’t let my children have a play date with someone I hadn’t at least met/spoken to/exchanged numbers with so why would I not want to know who will be looking after my children-potentially at some points by themselves if circumstances arise which dictate this? I would always make the request politely as demands will never go down well but I wouldn’t see it as someone doing me a favour I’d see it as normal for someone who was inviting children into their lives and home to want the best for them and that would mean as good communication as possible….
What if dad arranges a play date with someone he's met but you haven't though? I'm sure that you would accept that.
Justme10 · 24/05/2021 11:53

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask but of course she could say no and you just have to accept that.
I did meet ex's new partner and we are friendly but not friends. Everyone's circumstances are different and only you know how asking might be taken by ex and his new partner.

Leaninghouse · 24/05/2021 12:06

Nope you couldn't pay me to be in the same room as that woman. Not only do I not have her contract details I have her blocked

Tiredoftattler · 24/05/2021 12:40

Often times women on this site will say, "if I knew then what I know now, I never would have made their choice." Meeting the ex is just an opportunity to add another bit of first hand information to your decision making tool kit. It puts you in the position to make a more informed decision.

No other woman can control what happens in your house. She may exert a lot of influence and say many things ,but her ability to control what happens stops at your door frame. The only actions taking place in your home are those that you permit and tolerate.

If men or women felt completely comfortable with their ex's decision making skills and judgement , they would most probably still be with them.