Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
Iyiyi · 24/05/2021 21:35

I think there is a big difference between “I want to meet my ex’s new partner because it will create a harmonious and secure environment for the children to know we all get along” and “I want to meet my ex’s new partner because I want to know who my children are around and see what they are like” - and people are not necessarily honest with themselves about where their motivation lies!

My DPs ex prefers not to acknowledge I exist and makes her children feel bad if they mention me, I’d much prefer to meet her and have things more civil because it is their children that suffer, not me, but this is how she wants it.

Vie8126 · 25/05/2021 06:34

I have caught up on comments and just wondered those who said they would want to meet the ex new partner what about if say your exs sibling re married/got married would you insist on meeting that person? They could likely spend a lot of time around your children or if a grandparent remarried would you insist on meeting their new partner? When your children are teenagers are you going to insist on meeting every parent whose house they visit? There's a line that needs to be drawn your partners judgement is just as valid as yours and I feel that unfortunately (as you don't seem to trust it) you have to trust it with the children which are just as much his. Would you be happy leaving your children with a new friend that ex dp hadn't met and then him insisting on meeting them? Or him insisting on meeting your sisters husband? Your mums new partner? All people which could have incredibly close contact with what are his children also?

beingsunny · 25/05/2021 08:10

I think some of the divisive opinions here are perhaps around the difference between wanting to meet the new partner, make an introduction, begin some form of friendly relationship with another adult who will be living with the children and the other stance where it's seen as a vetting process.

Nobody has the right to a veto that adult or make choices on whether they can continue to be a part of the children's lives.

No approvals are required in any of these situations.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 25/05/2021 08:12

There’s another perspective which is where the other party is so poorly behaved that it is inadvisable

0hforfoxsake · 25/05/2021 08:17

I think there’s a difference between being a step parent and being their dads wife/gf.

If she doesn’t want to take care of her partners children with him, then they’re never going to be a family. It will always be her/him, them/him. If that’s the choice they want to make, then you can’t have any expectations of her.

Personally I wouldn’t be so bothered about meeting her if this was the case. But if it was about being a family, a step-family, then I would.

Either way, the children will know where they stand.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 25/05/2021 08:32

Or where the gf wants to force a step parent relationship and push out the mother when the kids don’t want or need that?

FishyFriday · 25/05/2021 08:36

@0hforfoxsake

I think there’s a difference between being a step parent and being their dads wife/gf.

If she doesn’t want to take care of her partners children with him, then they’re never going to be a family. It will always be her/him, them/him. If that’s the choice they want to make, then you can’t have any expectations of her.

Personally I wouldn’t be so bothered about meeting her if this was the case. But if it was about being a family, a step-family, then I would.

Either way, the children will know where they stand.

But stepfamilies are different to nuclear families. In so many ways. 'Being a family' where some children are there very part time and have another family (which may have very different values and expectations) is really not like what people imagine when they say 'being a family'. Even more so when the stepmother has her own resident children, and/or the couple have shared children.

Stepmother is only another way of saying 'dad's wife' really.

RedMarauder · 25/05/2021 08:40

@Cadburyflakeicecream

Posted too soon. I’ve moved since the children were adults and he has asked me for my new address. I’ve refused. I expect to be taken to court for it anytime soon. I’ll still refuse.
If they are over 18 and don't have any disabilities so they need extra care, he has no right to your address.

In fact he has no right to his own individual children's contact details if they are adults.

bumblebee1980a · 25/05/2021 08:47

I would want to meet anyone who was spending a substantial amount of time with my children.

You are not being unreasonable.

Don't demand it though, you will have to be clever about it if she's refusing.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 25/05/2021 08:53

@bumblebee1980a be clever about it? It would still be a flat no from me.

Bibidy · 25/05/2021 09:00

The whole thing is ridiculous, through their lives your children will meet so many people that you will never meet.

If separated, mum and dad will both have friends and family who might spend a lot of time with the children, despite the other parent never meeting them. Yet the other parent accepts that easily.

It's a total power play, demanding to meet a new partner. Unless you insist on meeting every single person in your child's life - like you're ex's mum's new partner, or his brother's new girlfriend - then there really is no reason why you genuinely feel a valid need to meet your ex's new partner ahead of it occurring naturally, which it usually will anyway at some point.

0hforfoxsake · 25/05/2021 10:21

@FishyFriday
It’s a different type of family though. We still have a role in step children’s lives - and a responsibility to them. The nuclear family isn’t as standard anymore - and nor should it be. It’s doing whatever works best.

Leaninghouse · 25/05/2021 10:21

@bumblebee1980a be clever about it!! Its comments like that that make me think nope no way.

ohs ex tried to be clever about it by being fake nice to me, she then tried to get me to leave him so she could have him back cuz I'm a nice person and that would be the right thing to do. When I didn't oblige she went into full abuse mode followed by demanding to meet me.

I never understood that. If I had kids I would be nice to anyone who was going to be near them in the hope it would make things better for the kids if nothing else

Cadburyflakeicecream · 25/05/2021 10:27

@0hforfoxsake what role do you have? Beyond that that the children want and are comfortable with?

And what responsibility? My ex’s wife has not and never has had responsibility for my children. The people with a responsibility to them are me and him.

0hforfoxsake · 25/05/2021 10:31

I don’t mean taking responsibility for them as such - it the buck doesn’t stop with us - I mean we have a responsibility in the way we as adults do for all children in our care.

Sorry, I’m not explaining it terribly well.

Bibidy · 25/05/2021 10:47

Don't demand it though, you will have to be clever about it if she's refusing.

I think the 'be clever about it' says it all.

You ask to meet someone, they say no, you accept it. You don't 'be clever about it' and try and manipulate them into getting your own way because you can't accept their boundaries.

This is exactly the kind of reason why people don't want to meet exes!! It's not a right to demand to meet your ex's new partner, not at all.

Dogoodfeelgood · 25/05/2021 10:49

Absolutely you should meet! It doesn’t have to be a formal thing (and probably shouldn’t be) but it would be polite and normal for her to come to the door at a pick up and say hi and make introductions. It boggles my mind that people wouldn’t do this unless either party was literally an axe murderer, in which case they shouldn’t have children in their care!

FishyFriday · 25/05/2021 10:49

[quote 0hforfoxsake]@FishyFriday
It’s a different type of family though. We still have a role in step children’s lives - and a responsibility to them. The nuclear family isn’t as standard anymore - and nor should it be. It’s doing whatever works best.[/quote]
But having a role - which could be all kinds of things - in the children's life doesn't mean you have to be involved with their other parent. It just doesn't.

FishyFriday · 25/05/2021 10:52

@Bibidy

Don't demand it though, you will have to be clever about it if she's refusing.

I think the 'be clever about it' says it all.

You ask to meet someone, they say no, you accept it. You don't 'be clever about it' and try and manipulate them into getting your own way because you can't accept their boundaries.

This is exactly the kind of reason why people don't want to meet exes!! It's not a right to demand to meet your ex's new partner, not at all.

I agree.

It suggests that there is some weird motivation to it there. Saying a polite hello in passing if you come across the ex at drop offs is all that is actually required. There's no actual reason they need to meet you or build a relationship with you.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 25/05/2021 10:54

@Dogoodfeelgood

Absolutely you should meet! It doesn’t have to be a formal thing (and probably shouldn’t be) but it would be polite and normal for her to come to the door at a pick up and say hi and make introductions. It boggles my mind that people wouldn’t do this unless either party was literally an axe murderer, in which case they shouldn’t have children in their care!
My ex and his wife are emotionally abusive to me and my children.

In addition, she was the OW.

You really think I should have to meet her because my ex wants it?

Not an axe murderer but no way am I meeting her. (It’s my ex who was driving this back on the day - everyone has to get on and be friends so he could (as he thought) rub my nose in it that he had a partner and I didn’t.

aSofaNearYou · 25/05/2021 10:55

@Dogoodfeelgood

Absolutely you should meet! It doesn’t have to be a formal thing (and probably shouldn’t be) but it would be polite and normal for her to come to the door at a pick up and say hi and make introductions. It boggles my mind that people wouldn’t do this unless either party was literally an axe murderer, in which case they shouldn’t have children in their care!
Really? You can't think of anything other than an axe murderer that might put someone off wanting to do this?
bumblebee1980a · 25/05/2021 11:00

[quote Leaninghouse]@bumblebee1980a be clever about it!! Its comments like that that make me think nope no way.

ohs ex tried to be clever about it by being fake nice to me, she then tried to get me to leave him so she could have him back cuz I'm a nice person and that would be the right thing to do. When I didn't oblige she went into full abuse mode followed by demanding to meet me.

I never understood that. If I had kids I would be nice to anyone who was going to be near them in the hope it would make things better for the kids if nothing else[/quote]
I meant be kind (and avoid confrontation) but read into it what you like 🙄. It's for the OP not you.

bumblebee1980a · 25/05/2021 11:04

@Cadburyflakeicecream

As in put your emotions aside and try and form some form of relationship for the sake of your child.

I was in a hurry.

Bibidy · 25/05/2021 11:08

@Dogoodfeelgood

Absolutely you should meet! It doesn’t have to be a formal thing (and probably shouldn’t be) but it would be polite and normal for her to come to the door at a pick up and say hi and make introductions. It boggles my mind that people wouldn’t do this unless either party was literally an axe murderer, in which case they shouldn’t have children in their care!
But this would happen organically for most people, if the new partner happens to be there at pick-up/drop-off. This is how I met my DP's ex. I don't think most people would have an issue with that. It's where the ex wants a special meet-up that it becomes uncomfortable.
Leaninghouse · 25/05/2021 11:17

@bumblebee1980a I wasn't the only one that commented on what you said