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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Meeting the ex wife…or not

267 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 22/05/2021 22:34

I’m interested to know people’s experiences of meeting partner’s ex wives when there are children involved. If you did was it beneficial and how? If you didn’t, why not? For context I am the ex and my stbxh has moved into his new partner’s house and is introducing our 2 children to his new circumstances. I have requested to meet his new partner as with no other family around she will be the default support should it be needed and also as it’s her house they’ll staying in every other weekend she will obviously be a key part of their lives,

OP posts:
Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 19:39

My relationship is with my partner. Not his ex wife.

I chose not to get involved, post-divorce, with anyone who had children at home.

I have seen the damage my ex and his wife have caused. I believe my decision was the right one.

But no matter how much she and he want me to meet her and chat to her - I will never do it. And no one will ever be able to make me.

Getyourarseofffthequattro · 23/05/2021 19:42

@Bancha

I really don’t understand people taking offence to my opinion like this Grin

I’ve said that if you’re going to get into a relationship with someone who has children you have to be willing to meet (and be civil with) the other parent. The thought of my DC having a step parent who wouldn’t even want to meet me is horrible for everyone, especially the children. I think that is a totally reasonable position, as does my DH (we discussed this before having children) so that’s really all that matters for our circumstances.

The OP doesn’t mention any abuse and she wants to meet the new partner. My opinion is that this is absolutely reasonable and in the best interests of her children. The OP asked for opinions on her situation and I, like many others, gave my opinion.

It’s just my view. It doesn’t make your opinion wrong, it’s just different, and that’s okay ✌🏻

Because you're putting the "blame" as it were onto the wrong persob.
DinoHat · 23/05/2021 19:47

It’s up to you OP. I did, I wasn’t particularly enthused by it, but am quite outgoing etc and so it didn’t worry me. I know others don’t and have their own reasons for not doing so. There is no set rule.

I haven’t given my phone number to her, despite being asked. I’ve seen how she harassed DH and I don’t want to be subjected to that.

bogoffmda · 23/05/2021 19:58

My Exs first DP did not need to meet -she was the OW and a supposed family friend! She played the victim card - that she was scared of me and what I would do. Bad relationship, awful treatment of my children whom she had known since birth - she used to phone me -she had my number to tell me one or other DC was ill and she would sort them out as EX incapable - not that she was any better.

EX second DP - I have met on numerous occasions. WE have all been out with the DCS for meals and they know there is no playig each side off. She phones me occasionally and if big issues( one DC -chronic illness) and change in medical care, we meet up and discuss through the changes. She gets to ask questions and me to answer from the primary medical carer. This relationship works. Mutual respect - EX bday - childrens part planned and I make sure I have them so they can have adult b day his andhers aswell.

So in my case - yes and no! I think the first for speaks for itself - my EX broke our marriage but her abuse of my DCs was unforgiveable and the mind games up to me finding out did more damage to my mental state than them just coig out and saying it.

RedMarauder · 23/05/2021 20:03

@Bancha lots of the negative opinions here are backed up by personal experience.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:07

@bogoffmda that’s a really good point.

Why should I have to fuck up my own mental health and recovery from emotional abuse to keep my ex and the ow happy? Why do they get to decide that for me?

Bancha · 23/05/2021 20:07

@RedMarauder

Totally get that, and I work in a field where this is something I know a lot about. I understand where people are coming from, but it’s still my opinion. It’s still a valid opinion.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:14

@Bancha can you tell me what you’d say to my situation?

Bancha · 23/05/2021 20:23

@Cadburyflakeicecream

I will try and look back and see what you’ve written, but I’m just not understanding why it matters what I think of your situation. You need to do what is right for you - my opinion is surely irrelevant to you. Especially since you disagree with me. I was answering the OP’s post.

@RedMarauder

I’m not blaming anyone. I think all the adults should put the children first. I was answering the OP’s post - she’s not mentioned any abuse, she sounds like a very reasonable person who wants to meet someone who is going to be spending a lot of time with her children. I think that the new partner refusing that would be absolutely unreasonable. If I were in a relationship with someone who was refusing to meet my children’s father that would be very concerning for me, and probably enough for me to end the relationship. I think it’s totally normal to want to meet someone who would be spending a lot of time with your children. I think it would be really weird to not want that.

DinoHat · 23/05/2021 20:23

Totally get that, and I work in a field where this is something I know a lot about.

You sound more like you’re trying to assert it as a fact than a mere opinion.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:25

I agree with you @DinoHat. Which is why I asked the op to comment on my situation.

There’s no onbligetion (sp?) on anyone to do this and if the step mum or partner or the mum don’t want to do it then no one should make them.

What’s the point of it anyway? Your ex is hardly going to dump them if you don’t like them are they?

ThatIsMyPotato · 23/05/2021 20:28

I don't think it is unreasonable to want to meet a new partner, but it depends if it's just a hi or if there are going to be any questions prying into their life. I think it's reasonable for the new partner to say no, as the ex is absolutely nothing to them and is owed no information about them (they will find out bits and bobs from the children).

Bancha · 23/05/2021 20:30

@Cadburyflakeicecream

I think I’ve read all your posts. If your children are adults then the new wife is hardly a step parent. I think that makes a massive difference. I’ve been saying the whole time that - for me - it’s about the children.

If my DH had an affair and the OW/new partner was going to be involved with my kids I would want to meet her. I would want to be civil. I would want the situation to be as good as possible for my children.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:32

She’s been in their lives from when they were children @Bancha.

Have you ever been the devastated wife after an affair when he left you?

I have no interest in ever meeting her ever. The things she has said about me on social media and to my children are vile.

There’s a really judgmental tone in your posts that I don’t understand.

DinoHat · 23/05/2021 20:33

I would want the situation to be as good as possible for my children.

Some exes are batshit crazy and bowing to demands that make you, as an incoming partner feel uncomfortable can really exacerbate that. For some mothers it will be more about asserting control and trying to remain relevant in their exes lives.

Some new partners might not be comfortable, they might be socially awkward or introverts and feel threatened.

There’s no one size fits all.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:34

My children as they’ve grown have made the decision to have nothing to do with her. They only see their dad without her present now. That might give you an idea of how vicious and nasty she is.

Why should I have to see someone who called me “mental” and said I didn’t have sex enough and that’s why he left me? Amongst other things? Why? She’s nasty and I don’t want to be around her. End of discussion.

DinoHat · 23/05/2021 20:35

And @Cadburyflakeicecream I don’t blame you. Bancha’s posts makes quite a broad assumption that there is always something to be gained from meeting. That’s going to vary on individual circumstances. It’s totally reasonable to protect yourself. Surely better to recognise that it is what is than meet under some disillusion that it will somehow improve relations.

Bancha · 23/05/2021 20:37

@Cadburyflakeicecream

I’m sorry, that sounds horrible. I understand your decision. It wouldn’t be the right one for me. It doesn’t sound too similar to the OP’s situation.

I feel the OP’s thread has been totally derailed, so I’m bowing out here.

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:38

Also. Due to my ex’s behaviour, drop offs and pick ups were after school. Not at my home or his. How can you not see that there might be a bloody good reason people don’t want to meet?

Cadburyflakeicecream · 23/05/2021 20:40

In addition. The step mum or parent is a person in their own right. They might not want to meet you. For their own reasons. And no one has the right to force them or pressure them.

No means no.

Squeejit · 23/05/2021 20:40

I’ve met my ex’s wife. We get on quite well really. But there was never a formal meeting as such, just popping in for a brew with him if one of us is dropping off the DCs and she’s around.

I think you have to trust your ex to make sensible judgements unless there’s a history of I appropriate people or situations.

RedMarauder · 23/05/2021 21:56

No @Bancha the thread isn't derailed

You simply refuse to understand there are very good reasons why step-mothers may refuse to meet the mother of their partner's children.

You claim to work in the area but seem unaware that lawyers and healthcare professionals who work in the area will and do take actions to protect other women and other children from unnecessary contact with the mother of their partner's other children if she shows any slight signs of overstepping boundaries even before she becomes openly abusive. (I've been protected more than once by such people.)

Both my second step-mother and my DP's ex would be able to write good reasons on forums like this why they wanted to meet the mother of their partner's other children while in reality they would be doing so to cause harm to another woman and children.

Tiredoftattler · 23/05/2021 22:00

I think that my ex and I would probably have ended a relationship in which the prospective spouse objected to meet the other ex prior to meeting the kids. We both thought this best and neither of us were looking for someone who would feel uncomfortable fitting into the relationship and parenting style that we jointly wanted to provide for our kids.

We both recognized that this might not be everyone's cup of tea and I don't think that either of us when have been devastated if someone said no to the meeting. I think that we would simply have recognized that what we could offer was just not a good fit for them.

We both wanted a peaceful and mutually agreeable coparenting relationship, and neither of us wanted anyone who had reservations about our ability or their ability to amicably relate.

Fortunately for us, it all worked out well.

Seriously79 · 23/05/2021 22:33

I've met my ex's new wife. He had an affair with her when our son was 10 weeks old, he met her while on a stag weekend.

A few months later, after being married to me 6 years, and we'd been trying to fall pregnant for 18 months, he left me and our son and moved about 300 miles to be with her.

It was a difficult time to say the least, but I just wanted to know 'who she was' if she was going to be involved in my baby's life.

This was all over 12 years ago, they are married now and I'm about to get married again. My son loves her as his step mum, she's good to him. I was petrified when they took DS abroad for the first time, but she messaged me to say that she promised to take good care of him, and kept in touch while they were away.

I realise this doesn't work for everyone.

Magda72 · 24/05/2021 00:18

@FlorenceandZebedee I am a dm & happened to know of my exh's partner as we all live in the same town, so as such my situation is different to yours.
However, she never requested to meet me nor I her & I wouldn't have requested a formal meeting anyway as I think that's a bit confrontational & interview-like.

What I did do is get out of my car when dropping off my dc, go to front door, say a friendly hello & had a bit of a chat. I also insisted (to exh) that she have my number & I hers in case of emergency & I think that's only right.
I think you can show you're prepared to be friendly without requesting an actual meeting.
She & I get on fine )but will never be firm friends) & the dc do appreciate everyone getting on & it does make stuff like graduations so much easier.
That being said all situations are different & sometimes the being friendly just does not happen.

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