I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

I was dropping my dc to my exh a few weekends ago & his dsis & her dh were there having popped by to say Hi from the driveway. They kept telling me how great it was to see me & how I should come visit them when lockdown is lifted; that they've missed seeing me around. All this while exh's dw is with us, standing outside the house I used to share with him & our dc. They get on really well with his dw & I appreciate they were only trying to be nice to me but they really did not 'read the room' & their behaviour was mortifying. I felt awful for dw who is also stuck in the house I once lived in as exh won't move as he thinks it would upset the kids (it wouldn't, they've told me).

I just wanted to say I have so much respect for the fact that you recognised how unpleasant this will have been for her. This is such a common experience as a step parent and something that really grinds you down over time. People on here are very quick to say you must be "insecure", but they really have no idea how much having this kind of thing as a constant recurring theme in your life can effect you.

I can say the same except the children in my own house are in fact my own 🤣

No I do love them. But god I love it when they're not about with their demands and mess and sometimes stroppy attitudes.

God love em.

@LoveDrunk

The vast majority of the things I find difficult/unenjoyable about my step son, my DP also struggles with. He has no trouble understanding why being around him would make me unhappy, as although he loves him and he is important to him, it often does him as well. That sounds brutal but is the sad reality, really.

I don’t think that sounds brutal. Biological parents don’t enjoy every moment with their children so why should a step parent? But if a step parent is actually miserable all the time the kids are around, that’s very different.

Exactly. If step parents really think the reality is that we constantly enjoy being with our kids, it’s because they’ve been talking to the tiny minority, who thrive at parenting / pretend to themselves they are or spend too long looking at insta / Facebook etc.

I’m a parent to an almost 13 yo and it’s really hard right now. Almost every interaction is dd telling me how unreasonable / embarrassing / strict etc I am.... I am so ‘strict and unreasonable’ that I don’t even remove electronics at night as a lot of parents do, as it isn’t necessary with dd... don’t create arguments, where there are none to be had.

Yes, there will be cases where the kids are generally angels and the SM simply doesn't like it when they're around on principle. But it's often caused more by what's actually going on.

But OP has a problem with the children mentioning their mum. That’s quite sad.

@Magda72

It works both ways. As a child I just wanted to see my Dad but as soon as he met DSM she was always around. I really missed my time just with him. *@JE17* this I totally get. However, it was not your sm's job to ensure you got time with your dad. It was his responsibility to make space for one on one time with you.

I agree with this, but I also think a caring partner would read the room.

Not all step parents have to be super hands on and love being highly involved. I've got a friend who is happy to be more like 'dad's wife' than 'stepmum' and it works well. Their husband and his ex coparent reasonably well and there's no need for a 3rd parent so my friend is around and friendly but isn't filling a parent role.

What jumps out is that your posts are filled with negativity towards your stepchildren, especially given you consider them attention seeking. I know you say you're putting off having your own children at the moment, but it sounds like there could be conflict and jealousy once you have your child.

@LoveDrunk

Yes, there will be cases where the kids are generally angels and the SM simply doesn't like it when they're around on principle. But it's often caused more by what's actually going on.

But OP has a problem with the children mentioning their mum. That’s quite sad.

Both my partner and I find how much my SS does this kind of thing annoying. Why do you see that as a wider problem?

Both my partner and I find how much my SS does this kind of thing annoying. Why do you see that as a wider problem?

It’s normal for children to talk about a parent they are not with. My kids used to talk about me constantly when visiting their grandparents with their dad. They missed me. It’s normal. I know my kids would have struggled hugely being away from either me or their dad 50% of the time. My friend and her ex husband say that their children talk about the other one a lot when with them, they think it’s a comfort thing.

If it’s purposely done by the child to try to cause an issue, then this is a sign the child is struggling with the situation and that needs addressing.

Being a step mum is officially the worst job in the world. I'll be handing in my notice soon. Sorry OP from my experience it doesn't get better and having my own DC hasn't helped. We do have a toxic ex though which has made the whole thing that much more painful.

@LoveDrunk

Yes, there will be cases where the kids are generally angels and the SM simply doesn't like it when they're around on principle. But it's often caused more by what's actually going on.

But OP has a problem with the children mentioning their mum. That’s quite sad.

It's really not sad. It's bloody annoying especially if the ex has put you through hell and you have to grin and bear it in your own home. I think it's very difficult to understand or empathise unless you've been through it. The mother in our case has told her own children not to mention their father in her home as she dislikes it so it works both ways! And OP isn't even saying she's done that.

Why marry a man with children? I have 4 of my own and if I split with DH would not get involved with a man with Dcs

@Shortiemyboo

Why marry a man with children? I have 4 of my own and if I split with DH would not get involved with a man with Dcs

Exactly, you have 4 of your own so you know what it entails. Many of us don't so we go in naively and with rose-tinted glasses. It takes time for the issues to start and many are too deep in my that point. 5 years later, 2 stepchildren and 2 DC I now know I would never in a million years date someone with kids again. But really that's not a helpful question.

It's really not sad. It's bloody annoying especially if the ex has put you through hell and you have to grin and bear it in your own home. I think it's very difficult to understand or empathise unless you've been through it. The mother in our case has told her own children not to mention their father in her home as she dislikes it so it works both ways! And OP isn't even saying she's done that.

It is sad, for the child. Regardless of what the ex had put you through, she is still mum to the child. Most kids think mum is great. You can’t blame the child for the behaviour of the parent. It is of course very wrong that your step child’s mum doesn’t let her child mention their father, that’s very damaging to the child. The child’s feelings have to be the priority. Parents splitting up and having new partners is very, very difficult for a child to navigate.

@LoveDrunk

Both my partner and I find how much my SS does this kind of thing annoying. Why do you see that as a wider problem?

It’s normal for children to talk about a parent they are not with. My kids used to talk about me constantly when visiting their grandparents with their dad. They missed me. It’s normal. I know my kids would have struggled hugely being away from either me or their dad 50% of the time. My friend and her ex husband say that their children talk about the other one a lot when with them, they think it’s a comfort thing.

If it’s purposely done by the child to try to cause an issue, then this is a sign the child is struggling with the situation and that needs addressing.

Yes, I know it's normal. The point is, it's also normal for the step parent (and the other parent) to find it annoying.

@LoveDrunk

It's really not sad. It's bloody annoying especially if the ex has put you through hell and you have to grin and bear it in your own home. I think it's very difficult to understand or empathise unless you've been through it. The mother in our case has told her own children not to mention their father in her home as she dislikes it so it works both ways! And OP isn't even saying she's done that.

It is sad, for the child. Regardless of what the ex had put you through, she is still mum to the child. Most kids think mum is great. You can’t blame the child for the behaviour of the parent. It is of course very wrong that your step child’s mum doesn’t let her child mention their father, that’s very damaging to the child. The child’s feelings have to be the priority. Parents splitting up and having new partners is very, very difficult for a child to navigate.

But how is it sad for the child if they don't know it's a problem? Yes the mother in my case is awful. But OP isn't telling them it's upsetting for her. She's telling us and That's fine. The only person it's sad for is OP who's having to listen to it! If she was telling the DSC to stop talking about their mum that's a different story.

@LoveDrunk

It's really not sad. It's bloody annoying especially if the ex has put you through hell and you have to grin and bear it in your own home. I think it's very difficult to understand or empathise unless you've been through it. The mother in our case has told her own children not to mention their father in her home as she dislikes it so it works both ways! And OP isn't even saying she's done that.

It is sad, for the child. Regardless of what the ex had put you through, she is still mum to the child. Most kids think mum is great. You can’t blame the child for the behaviour of the parent. It is of course very wrong that your step child’s mum doesn’t let her child mention their father, that’s very damaging to the child. The child’s feelings have to be the priority. Parents splitting up and having new partners is very, very difficult for a child to navigate.

It isnt sad. Op isn't stopping them taking about their mum. She's allowed to be irritated by it.

You got with someone who you knew had kids presumably and married them OP? When/if you do that you are in Essence accepting that your husband has children ,you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father ,essentially making you a blended family , I don’t have sympathy for you I’m afraid if that’s the case , I know it can be hard to not have more time with your husband alone but kids need their Dad even more than you need a husband

I would hate it as well, which is why I didn't date anyone who already had children, as harsh as that sounds.

@Honeyglowx

You got with someone who you knew had kids presumably and married them OP? When/if you do that you are in Essence accepting that your husband has children ,you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father ,essentially making you a blended family , I don’t have sympathy for you I’m afraid if that’s the case , I know it can be hard to not have more time with your husband alone but kids need their Dad even more than you need a husband

Bingo!!

@Mummyoflittledragon

Exactly - a caring parent
I think there is a tendency to expect step mother's to step up and make up for dad's poor parenting.

@Shortiemyboo

Why marry a man with children?

BINGO!!!
I bet you wouldn't ask a mother who is struggling with a newborn why she bothered having kids if she was finding it difficult ...

@Honeyglowx

You got with someone who you knew had kids presumably and married them OP? When/if you do that you are in Essence accepting that your husband has children ,you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father ,essentially making you a blended family , I don’t have sympathy for you I’m afraid if that’s the case , I know it can be hard to not have more time with your husband alone but kids need their Dad even more than you need a husband

Oh ffs. Another one with no idea.

@Honeyglowx

You got with someone who you knew had kids presumably and married them OP? When/if you do that you are in Essence accepting that your husband has children ,you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father ,essentially making you a blended family , I don’t have sympathy for you I’m afraid if that’s the case , I know it can be hard to not have more time with your husband alone but kids need their Dad even more than you need a husband

Oh please What a load of nonsense.

Op you do not need to treat the children as your own. Treat them kindly as I'm sure you do, but this sort of advice is setting you and all SMs up for a fail.

Treat them as your own...i.e cook, clean, play for them, read to them, love them. But don't attend school events, do their hair, try to take the mother's role, ever get irritated by them etc etc. Being a SM is a losing battle. If you want to make your blended family work my best advice is to disengage as much as possible.

I think it's ok to prefer when they're not here. I love it when they come but also love it when they leave.

Totally this! I don't dislike them being around, but I do enjoy the quiet once they've left

Its other people's kids, isn't it. I would be the same.

Exactly! People forget this. Essentially, other people's kids can feel more challenging than your own. Most people know that.

FGS, nly step parents or people with personal experience of living in a step family should be allowed to post on these threads.

The self-righteous, first-marrieds brigade have no idea how vast and complex the issues are.