I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

Thing is, the crappy dog ownership stuff just creeps in slowly. He doesn’t just unleash it the day you move in. And there are excuses. Well the dog is feeling a bit poorly do it needs to sleep in the bed tonight. And he just forgot to pick the shit up. It must have missed a bit. And so on.

So you can be very much enmeshed practically, financially, emotionally before you find the situation has become so untenable. And then it’s harder to leave.

One of the things when it’s children rather than a dog is that the SM will feel bad about another huge disruption in their lives. More so if there are shared children. Also probably a worry about the shared children suffering from this Disney dad parenting that’s made her life so hard.

Another thing is that it can suddenly descend on you. Things can be fine and then something happens that produces huge changes in your partner’s attitude to contact. A difficult ex can decide to deny contact to be a dick, for example. A child can get old enough to realise that they can manipulate their parents to get away with murder. And the SM finds her husband’s response is to abandon all actual parenting, roll the red carpet out and tip toe around in case the child is not getting exactly what they demand at the money they demand it. Indeed, the SM is a handy scapegoat for a complete revision of all that’s gone before - she’s the one that wanted bedtimes and didn’t think an 8 year old should be running around until 2am every time they’re in the house (there’s no way that the father could have shared those feelings).

On why stepfathers seem to struggle less despite greater contact time: I think it has a lot to do with the psychology of resident parents v nonresident parents. Resident parents, especially those with the lion’s share of the time with the child, usually just continue acting like standard parents. They’re doing all the normal stuff and have normal routines and expectations for their children.

That is easier to live with than a guilt-ridden nonresident parent who decides to overcompensate by abandoning all attempts at parental authority and decides to treat every contact as a super special holiday. In fact, the resident parent (and her, as it usually is her, partner) probably dread the return of the spoiled, overtired children from EOW contact.

Also and this is true men change once you have joint children. They see you more as a mum and don't understand why you don't mum the other. Easy I'm not their mum! It's your job to dad 4 kids but only mine to mum 1. It's really hard o explain if you haven't lived it.
My sister step kids live with her full time and she finds it easier as she is mum now really. They have to follow her rules and she gets final say. They also now are young adults and openly say how great she is and they call her mum to their friends. Bizarre but much easier. Her dp is also extremely supportive.

Yes. That is also a factor.

Or even on marriage. Suddenly it can all be ‘they’re your children now’, why are you acting like you’re only a mother to the children you actually gestated? Or not like a mother at all (since you aren’t one). That bizarre expectation can come out of nowhere.

Possibly accompanied by the sort of reversion to a 1950’s American sitcom idea of what a ‘wife’ or ‘mother’ does (in either case) that seems to befall some men as soon as an event requiring official registration (birth, marriage, probably death too) takes place. The whole ‘you’re on maternity leave. It’s your job to do everything including my parenting of my children (but don’t you dare tell them off or have expectations!)’ can come as a surprise.

I think for stepdad’s living with resident parents, they’re probably seeing much nicer children than many stepmums see on EOW contact.

I’m pretty sure that my stepchildren are much nicer to be around at their mum’s house. And at school. They were much better behaved when their father wasn’t tiptoeing around them and pandering to everything. The issue is that his guilt- and fear-based choices produce some really awful behaviour.

*On why stepfathers seem to struggle less despite greater contact time: I think it has a lot to do with the psychology of resident parents v nonresident parents. Resident parents, especially those with the lion’s share of the time with the child, usually just continue acting like standard parents. They’re doing all the normal stuff and have normal routines and expectations for their children.

That is easier to live with than a guilt-ridden nonresident parent who decides to overcompensate by abandoning all attempts at parental authority and decides to treat every contact as a super special holiday. In fact, the resident parent (and her, as it usually is her, partner) probably dread the return of the spoiled, overtired children from EOW contact.*

This is spot on.

Bold fail

You can also add the usual gendered stuff to all of that too. Fathers are more likely to have been ‘fun parent’ even during the relationship, leaving all the work and actual parenting to the mother. Disney style NRFs are probably overrepresented in that group. The ones pulling their weight in the relationship are more likely to continue after it’s ended.

So you might end up with a guilt-ridden man who has only ever done the easy bits anyway who now parents entirely by exception (rather than as standard).

That makes for very disruptive EOW contact.

Whereas the children’s mother is just keeping on providing a stable life for her kids as the rule.

I’ve read almost all the thread so hopefully not repeating anything, but two things came to mind. One is, which I’ve seen mentioned before on this board: If for some reason you had to have the children full time, would you be ok with that? If not then I’d consider the relationship because life’s too short to be around people who you’re not happy spending lots of time with.

And one thing stood out to me, which was you describing the children coming to ‘your’ house, or you might have said ‘my home’. Is it not ok for them to think of it as their home too? I don’t know, it just stood out to me. And I really don’t think this situation is the same as when parents want a break from their own kids because they’re driving them mad. Who knows though, I’m not a step mum so not qualified really but I just wanted to give my thoughts!

We used to have DSS EOW plus one midweek night. It was tough. People used to say “it’s only every other weekend” but it felt enormous. He’d go back to his Mum’s on a Sunday night, only to be back on Wednesday, for his midweek night. We never got a decent stretch of time without him. So shoot me now.

It’s universally acknowledged other people’s parents can be difficult (how many mother in law jokes are there?) so why is it such a surprise that other people’s children are a challenge? Particularly when there can often be a difficult ex involved?

@SpaceshiptoMars

I just ended up suggesting we meet without the kids in the end.

And how did that play out?

It played out fine. We met up when in the evenings instead.

I couldn't take the behaviour of her kids and was constantly on edge...thinking they'd hurt each other, or one of mine being so rough....which was passed of as boisterous .

One of the things when it’s children rather than a dog is that the SM will feel bad about another huge disruption in their lives.

I would agree with this for the SMs that like having the kids around and so a lot for them, but why would the SM who prefers them not being around be bothered about their lives being disrupted? There's not much love lost and the SM couldn't care less if they never saw them again.

More so if there are shared children. Also probably a worry about the shared children suffering from this Disney dad parenting that’s made her life so hard.

I agree. Shared children is definitely a reason I can see them staying.

why are you acting like you’re only a mother to the children you actually gestated?

Yeah... and my response would be because I am only a mother to mine and SC doesn't need another mum.

Possibly accompanied by the sort of reversion to a 1950’s American sitcom idea of what a ‘wife’ or ‘mother’ does (in either case) that seems to befall some men as soon as an event requiring official registration (birth, marriage, probably death too) takes place.

There's a definite need for women to fight back on this sexist view. I absolutely can't stand it.

I see a lot of SMs on here at times talking (complaining) about taking annual leave during school holidays for SC.. that it's an expectation by their DP/DH. I got rather pissed off being the one taking AL for my own DC ...so I wouldn't be doing it for SC. I had to have stern words with DH to change this.

You can also add the usual gendered stuff to all of that too.
Fathers are more likely to have been ‘fun parent’ even during the relationship, leaving all the work and actual parenting to the mother. Disney style NRFs are probably overrepresented in that group.

Absolutely..except I'd substitute fun parent with lazy parent. You have far too many hands off dads who left it all to mum and they just haven't got a clue when they have to do it alone. These men do not make such good partners and they become exposed as a parent, when they split up. What a lot of them really want is a new woman as a partner, that will look after their kids and do the parenting that they should be doing themselves.

An ex colleague of mine many years ago said she was returning to work after being a SAHM. On her first day back, her DH ended up not going to work and taking their 2 kids to nursery and school, because it was so stressful getting 2 kids ready and their DD3 refused/wasn't cooperative with getting ready.

@aSofaNearYou

@SandyY2K I think there are a lot of reasons why SDs don't appear to have as many problems, but I think one of them is probably that the SC are generally there more, so they wouldn't stay in the relationship if they didn't enjoy being around them.

That could well be the case and it
suggests that men are more accepting of women with kids and happy or happier to be around them, than the other way round.

That could well be the case and it
suggests that men are more accepting of women with kids and happy or happier to be around them, than the other way round.

I would say more that they naturally whittle themselves down to just the men who are like that, as near full time custody would just seem like too much to manage otherwise, compared to EOW contact.

Of course you can say and feel what you do. Hopefully you don't tell you'd DH you don't like his children, because you clearly don't. I feel exactly the same about other people's children. I tolerate them and can't wait for them to leave. A lot of people feel the same.

Provided it doesn't cause arguments within the marriage and you at least don't show you dont like them, it shouldn't be an issue. It's not easy to be a step parent, but it's what you sign up to. Personally I would never marry someone with children if I genuinely didn't like his children. I'm not saying you dislike them, just that you accept them as his children, and no more. Maybe in time you will grow to love them, but don't feel guilty about it.

Incidentally this thread has come up on Active threads and that is why so many people are piling in with the 'hate stepmums ' comments. It's not been confined to the step parents section. So just ignore.

@dontsaveusername

Incidentally this thread has come up on Active threads and that is why so many people are piling in with the 'hate stepmums ' comments. It's not been confined to the step parents section. So just ignore.

Ignore what? That people pile on when it's a step mum? No let's not ignore that, let's highlight that its a problem on this site.

Ignore what? That people pile on when it's a step mum? No let's not ignore that, let's highlight that its a problem on this site.

Exactly.

I don’t disagree with anything you said there @SandyY2K.

The ‘fun’ parent is definitely a euphemism for lazy parent. Thing is, EOW contact is sporadic enough that he just decides it’s only 2 nights a fortnight (or maybe even 1 night and two days) so it doesn’t matter that the kids are extremely ‘boisterous’ or that he feeds them exclusively sugar and fat. Indeed, exercising any parental authority would simply spoil his time with the kids. It’s much easier to just buy them some toys and sweets, take them somewhere fun and pretend that he enjoys them running around screaming at midnight. Because sorting any of the behaviour would be hard work, and that’s what mothers are for.

Obviously this is exactly the sort of man who wants a mother replacement for his kids. He won’t advertise it as such but he wants someone to do all the boring and hard bits. He probably even wants her to sort out bedtimes etc. That has the double advantage that she’s doing the hard bit and he can blame her if the kids complain about it. It’s win-win for him there.

In hindsight the SM must recognise that there was a very good reason his ex threw him back into the dating pool. Thing is, men like this do manage to hide, explain and excuse so much of this crap until whatever point they feel secure enough that she’s stuck to just go all out with it. It’s helped by naïveté and the rose tinted view of a woman who has probably be treated to pretty good dating game and plenty of sob story about how the ex is the problem.

And the whole ‘it’s only EOW’ is a big part of why it’s so hard to process. Why can’t she just relax and accept this 1 or 2 nights out of 14? Indeed, can’t she see that he is so devastated by his limited contact (which clearly he had no part in negotiating and it’s all some terrible conspiracy to limit his time with his children) that it would be ridiculous to expect him to exercise any control over their behaviour? Why should he spend his 2 days a fortnight with them actually parenting? And she wants to visit her mother on the contact weekends? Or see a friend rather than playing her assigned role in making the weekend special for the kids? She’s so unreasonable and uptight and horrible to expect anything else. After all, she’s got the other 12-13 nights a fortnight.

Let’s just ignore that she works full time, so it’s a full 50% of the days she isn’t working. And she’s picking up all the wifework to allow him to pretend it’s Christmas every weekend. It’s only EOW after all.

@FishyFriday

I don’t disagree with anything you said there *@SandyY2K*.

The ‘fun’ parent is definitely a euphemism for lazy parent. Thing is, EOW contact is sporadic enough that he just decides it’s only 2 nights a fortnight (or maybe even 1 night and two days) so it doesn’t matter that the kids are extremely ‘boisterous’ or that he feeds them exclusively sugar and fat. Indeed, exercising any parental authority would simply spoil his time with the kids. It’s much easier to just buy them some toys and sweets, take them somewhere fun and pretend that he enjoys them running around screaming at midnight. Because sorting any of the behaviour would be hard work, and that’s what mothers are for.

Obviously this is exactly the sort of man who wants a mother replacement for his kids. He won’t advertise it as such but he wants someone to do all the boring and hard bits. He probably even wants her to sort out bedtimes etc. That has the double advantage that she’s doing the hard bit and he can blame her if the kids complain about it. It’s win-win for him there.

In hindsight the SM must recognise that there was a very good reason his ex threw him back into the dating pool. Thing is, men like this do manage to hide, explain and excuse so much of this crap until whatever point they feel secure enough that she’s stuck to just go all out with it. It’s helped by naïveté and the rose tinted view of a woman who has probably be treated to pretty good dating game and plenty of sob story about how the ex is the problem.

And the whole ‘it’s only EOW’ is a big part of why it’s so hard to process. Why can’t she just relax and accept this 1 or 2 nights out of 14? Indeed, can’t she see that he is so devastated by his limited contact (which clearly he had no part in negotiating and it’s all some terrible conspiracy to limit his time with his children) that it would be ridiculous to expect him to exercise any control over their behaviour? Why should he spend his 2 days a fortnight with them actually parenting? And she wants to visit her mother on the contact weekends? Or see a friend rather than playing her assigned role in making the weekend special for the kids? She’s so unreasonable and uptight and horrible to expect anything else. After all, she’s got the other 12-13 nights a fortnight.

Let’s just ignore that she works full time, so it’s a full 50% of the days she isn’t working. And she’s picking up all the wifework to allow him to pretend it’s Christmas every weekend. It’s only EOW after all.

I feel very sorry for SMs who end up with this set up.

I'm so lucky my DP doesn't "parent" in this way. He's laid back and fun when his kids are here but my god they know not to step out of line! He's the disciplinarian of their two parents, he always has been. Their mum used to call him at work when they were together and say "can you tell your kids off". She had no authority over them so they run riot at hers and are in comparison quite well behaved when they're with us.

There's been glimmers of "Dad guilt" over the years, but it's been few and far between. His Dad guilt didn't really come out in the parenting of them as such, it was more his jumping to every demand of the exW when she demanded be take them for extra time outside of agreed contact - in the early days he would it and never questioned it. He's got wiser to that now though. She's basically always been the lazier of the two parents, and that showed even when they separated (she cheated on him so he left). But now she has a new man in her life to play "step dad" and do the discipline (we know he's the disciplinarian at their mum's house because the kids tell us), she relies less on my DP for this now.

Anyway ... went off on a tangent. But yeah I can only imagine that being a SM where Dad lets things slide that he shouldn't, or expects SM to do the lions share of the parenting, would be so frustrating. I'd have left!

Ignore what? That people pile on when it's a step mum? No let's not ignore that, let's highlight that its a problem on this site.

Hear hear!

And even if it’s “only” EOW, the definition of weekend differs on Planet Stepkids. To everyone else, the weekend is Saturday and Sunday. But on Planet Stepkids a weekend often starts on Thursday night, ending on Monday morning. It’s just not funny.

What happens if eow becomes ft?

@Easterbunnygettingready

What happens if eow becomes ft?

For me, the honest answer is it would be a case of we'll cross that bridge when it comes to it, because a) it's not likely and b) things may evolve by the time it comes around, if it ever does.

Wasn't being goady to anyone in particular... Just second dw's /dh's accept the routine as being set... My dh became a ft sf to 2 teen boys. Quite unexpected for both of us!! He embraced it 100 %. More should consider it a possibility before moving forward with a relationship with someone with dc already.

@Easterbunnygettingready

What happens if eow becomes ft?

In my case I would find it easier. Alot of the issues in my situation would disappear if DPs ex wasnt dictating / attempting to dictate what we can do on our time. I would be happier if we could parent DSS together in the way we parent DS. Sometimes we find ourselves second guessing can we do that or will ex go off on one. We got told not to take DSS out for walks in the forest on a Sunday morning as it makes him tired for school. He cant spend the day with his aunt as contact time is only to be spend with dad ( or me if hes at work). Along with a long list of other things.

@Aimee1987 that’s an interesting and fair comment, it must be very frustrating when there’s an interfering ex making life more difficult.