I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

I can't imagine any man so wonderful that I'd want to take on his kids.

@Honeyglowx

I think it’s quite cold to not treat your husband’s children with kindness and be there for them and care for them ,as although those children biologically will never be yours their still be in your life ,also having a good relationship with your step children puts you in better sted for If you and your husband have your own children one day ,

If your children were treated different by their step mum to how she treats how her own children there is already a problem in the family dynamic which is toxic and un-healthy which can cause family relationship breakdowns quite quickly tbh js

Where does she say that she doesnt treat then with kindness? Also no I dont think stepchildren and biological children should be treated exactly the same. DSS is 9 if I treated him the same way I treated my 15 month old DS I think he would be pretty pissed. A good thread on here about blended families that worked showed the ones where stepmom was kind and welcoming while not trying to act like a parent are the most functional. Step kids who have 2 able parents dont need additional one. This is what I am currently aiming towards. My DSS got a TV in his room for his 9th birthday. I hate the idea but hes not my son, he has one in his room at his mums and his dad doesnt mind so why would I object. But there is no chance DS will get one in his room at 9.

Also a parent who says I'm tired and I need some time without my kids will be given 100 suggestions from send them out with dad to have they got grandparents they can spend the day with. But if a step parent vocalises a perfectly reasonable feeling they are evil.

@aimee1987 It’s okay to treat children differently based on ages what works well for that child but they have to be treated fairly is my point but often when you treat children differently it’s not always fair to each of the children involved and I didn’t say Op wasn’t unkind to her step children but when you treat children differently and you don’t like them it’s more likely that your more likely to be un kind to them I was just saying ,not to Op but in general

I' ve been a step mum for 12 years now. I get how you feel. I still feel it sometimes now. My partner and I have 2 of our own as well. He has shared care of his two who are now 15 and 16. I sometimes feel excited about them coming and I sometimes dread it. Their attitude and mood play a big part, but this is influenced by their mothers mental health. I feel that when things are not great with her they struggle with the transition, it sometimes feels that she is in our home as well. I love them and would do anything for them but it can be hard work, being a parent is. How old are your step children? One thing I always try to do is ask what they have been up to in their mums and be positive about what they tell me. It shows that I respect their time with her and that it is normal to discuss the two homes. I don't think they get the same response when they talk about our house with their mum. On their first night back from their mom's we always try to give them some space to settle back in, don't make any plans or demands. Being a step parent is like a roller-coaster ride, up and down, for me it's been worth.

@cheeseismydownfall

I've still yet to see it on the parenting board in response to a struggling new mum - "why have children then?"

I acknowledge there is truth in this and it is easy to be judgemental about SP. But I don't think it is the same thing at all, at least not always.

Once you have a child you cannot un-have them. The question "why did you have a child...?" is entirely spurious, unless you actually abandon them.

On the other hand, people do often have the choice to rethink their position as step parents. There may be circumstances when the needs of the child/children should be put first. For a child's contact with one of their parents to be almost exclusively in the company of a third party who wold rather they weren't there isn't ideal, is it? Once new children are added into the mix this will no longer be possible.

I think you're confusing two issues.

You're right in that you cannot abandon and walk away from your own children in the way you could step children if you wanted to.

But that's not my point.

My point is, SMs often get asked why they even started the relationship with a man with kids in the first place. After all, did they not "know what they were getting into?"

The answer to that is no, they didn't - anymore than a pregnant woman having her first child knows what she's getting into. SMs do not, contrary to what some on here seem to expect, have a crystal ball. And, even once they are in it and the struggles become apparent, there is still significant investment in a relationship which makes walking away a far too simplistic a suggestion, IMO.

That's why these boards exist- so SMs can offload and vent and seek advice. So being repeatedly met by a handful of posters with "you knew what you were getting into / why date a man with kids then / just leave him then" etc etc ...... is deeply unhelpful.

I might go and post in The Doghouse that I can't ever imagine wanting a dog and anyone who gets a dog knows what they are getting into.

(Not really I like dogs)

I don't get the uproar about this subject, I really don't.

There are HUNDREDS of threads no doubt from parents saying similar things about their own children and 99.9% of replies are supportive. I understand that parents can't 'un-have' children but the same logic of 'did you not think of this before having them' surely applies?

If you're expected to have a fucking crystal ball wedged up your backside before dating a man with kids why is it not expected of parents before having children?

You always get the 'well surely you met them before you married him' shite too as if situations never change. Situations change all the time, you can think everything is going great and then something changes, teen years, ex drama, more DC, whatever.

I also don't get the upset over someone saying they prefer their time when the DSC aren't there. It doesn't mean they are shut under the stairs when they are. OP could be absolutely lovely to them and still secretly prefer it when it's just her and her DH.

Here's one for you.. I'm a perfectly happy step parent (we do exist). I get on like a house on fire with my DSC, do loads for them, I care and have love for them, not like my own DC but in my own way, we have cuddles and they ring and text me when they aren't here (DH jokes that they like me more than him sometimes!). And I STILL look forward to the times when they are with their Mum. Not because I'm some evil cow who treats them with contempt. But just because life is a bit easier, less chaotic, quieter, less to do and think about etc...

In the same way I drop my own DC off at my mum's sometimes for the afternoon and think THANK FUCK as I'm leaving 😂

[quote Honeyglowx]@aimee1987 It’s okay to treat children differently based on ages what works well for that child but they have to be treated fairly is my point but often when you treat children differently it’s not always fair to each of the children involved and I didn’t say Op wasn’t unkind to her step children but when you treat children differently and you don’t like them it’s more likely that your more likely to be un kind to them I was just saying ,not to Op but in general[/quote]
But a stepchild is not your child so trying to treat them like they are causes confusion for both step parent and child. The parents are responsible for setting boundaries and limitations on a child not a step parent. I'm not in a position to decide things for my DSS or his future in the way I am for my DS. He has 2 parents who are responsible for that. I have blurred those lines in the past and ended up tying myself up in worry about stuff I had no control over. I will be on the sidelines enjoying time with him but his parents will raise him.
So i believe you treat step children with kindness and respect but not as your own.

@PrattATatt

I don't get the uproar about this subject, I really don't.

There are HUNDREDS of threads no doubt from parents saying similar things about their own children and 99.9% of replies are supportive. I understand that parents can't 'un-have' children but the same logic of 'did you not think of this before having them' surely applies?

If you're expected to have a fucking crystal ball wedged up your backside before dating a man with kids why is it not expected of parents before having children?

You always get the 'well surely you met them before you married him' shite too as if situations never change. Situations change all the time, you can think everything is going great and then something changes, teen years, ex drama, more DC, whatever.

I also don't get the upset over someone saying they prefer their time when the DSC aren't there. It doesn't mean they are shut under the stairs when they are. OP could be absolutely lovely to them and still secretly prefer it when it's just her and her DH.

Here's one for you.. I'm a perfectly happy step parent (we do exist). I get on like a house on fire with my DSC, do loads for them, I care and have love for them, not like my own DC but in my own way, we have cuddles and they ring and text me when they aren't here (DH jokes that they like me more than him sometimes!). And I STILL look forward to the times when they are with their Mum. Not because I'm some evil cow who treats them with contempt. But just because life is a bit easier, less chaotic, quieter, less to do and think about etc...

In the same way I drop my own DC off at my mum's sometimes for the afternoon and think THANK FUCK as I'm leaving 😂

Excellent post!

If you're expected to have a fucking crystal ball wedged up your backside before dating a man with kids why is it not expected of parents before having children?

This was my point earlier. Thank you for phrasing it so much better than I could 😂

I don't think there is a problem in preferring it when they are not there, but I would think it wrong to huff around and be resentful about them being there.

If you're just planning to do your own thing, letting them get on with spending time together then that's fine but if you were pointedly flouncing out and announcing that you "may as well just stay at work then" sort of thing, i would find that quite off.

@prattatatt
This post made me wish mumsnet had a hand clapping emoji

@Aimee1987

MN might not have but my phone does

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻😂😂😂😂

@luciestar ingenious 🙌 🙌🙌🙌 to both you and @prattatatt

To the posters who are saying step parents should treat step children like their own.

If your children had a step mother would you be happy to give her equal say in parenting decisions to you? How about attending all parent's evening's? How about discipline?

If not then you actually don't think step parents should treat children as their own do you?

The ultimate truth is that a step parent may prefer the time when they are alone in the house with their partner and the step children may prefer the time that they too are alone with their parent. These feelings (a preference for the time that the other is not present) may be one of the few feelings that the step parent and the children have in common .

What matters is that in spite of these feelings both the step parent and the child are capable of being polite and civil to each other.

OP you are quite entitled to your opinion and I totally agree with you - I knew being a step mum could be challenging and I could not have been prepared for what came next. I love my husband more than I can say, but I hate his adult children. I have removed myself from everything that includes them and my life is better for it.......

Vent away, it must be very difficult. Too difficult for me I'm afraid! I'm a cold hearted bitch not into other people's kids at all.

Thing is, the 'treat like your own' never seems to stretch as far as being able to have negative (or what could potentially be seen as negative) feelings.

If I were to treat my step children like my own, whilst obviously including all the lovely things I do for and with my DC, it would also include losing my fucking marbles with them when they refuse to do what they've been asked 200 times that day, taking a huge sigh of relief as I wave them off to grandparents and quite honestly, whilst I love them with every fibre of my being, not always blooding liking them.

Children can be annoying, they can be unlikable at times, they can need telling off, they can frustrate you like nothing else on this earth, in fact I think sometimes my DC were actually sent to test me because of some mistake I made in a previous life or something.

News flash, my step children can be all of the above too! But I'd only be called a wicked cow on here for saying that about one lot of children (spoiler, it's not my own DC - that's allowed).

@KylieKoKo

To the posters who are saying step parents should treat step children like their own.

If your children had a step mother would you be happy to give her equal say in parenting decisions to you? How about attending all parent's evening's? How about discipline?

If not then you actually don't think step parents should treat children as their own do you?

Yes. I'd like to know this too.

I can't imagine many mums want their child's SM to have this level of involvement.

So what they mean is - "treat them like your own but only on my terms, whilst treading the impossible line between doing this but not overstepping the mark. And the second I dictate to you that you're overstepping the mark with my kids, you can no longer treat them as your own".

Ok, then. Sounds fair.

@PrattATatt

Yes that's also an excellent point - so treat my kids like your own, but only when you're being positive about them. When they're irritating or naughty, like all kids are, cease treating them like your own and switch into "just tolerate it with a smile" mode - and don't you dare whinge about said irritating behaviour on MN. If you do we'll accuse you of "hating" or "resenting" them.

It's almost laughable

Don't forget financially supporting them like your own. That's usually welcome I find.

@TrustTheGeneGenie

Oh yes, of course - that's definitely always welcome.

@LucieStar
Telling someone to leave a situation that is making them unhappy is never a bad thing. People need to be reminded that they have agency and control over their continued participation in situations that contribute to their unhappiness. There is never so much emotional investment or financial dependency that you cannot step out of an unhappy or unhealthy situation. It is rarely easy, but it is always possible.

None of us are seers or have a working crystal ball, but we all have the ability to research and anticipate that some existing circumstances will have an impact on the decisions that we make.

It may not be helpful to be reminded of the fact that you knew that marrying a man who had children would be different than marrying a man without children , but it does not alter the fact that you should have given significant thought to possible outcomes.

Sometimes, I think that people prefer blaming children for their failing relationships than simply owning the fact that it was just another set of poorly matched individuals. Blaming the children means that the complaining party does not have to assume any responsibility for the failure of the relationship ; all the fault falls on someone else.

The truth probably falls somewhere in the middle with both parties having contributed. In cases of incompatibility , there is no fault except for the failure to recognize and accept the irreconcilable differences.

Some men and women want either the particular person or the status of being in a relationship so much that they are unwilling to respond to all of the red flags that are blowing wildly in the breeze.

Not only did my ex’s ex wife want me to treat her child like my own, she wanted me to call her child my own too. She didn’t believe in “step”. She just wanted her to call her child “my child” in the same way I called my children my children. It was suffocating and weird.

I can just imagine how outraged she would have been if she knew I enjoyed it when her child was with her and at times even preferred it