I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

only ^^

What signs do you think they should have picked up on?

@Honeyglowx

You got with someone who you knew had kids presumably and married them OP? When/if you do that you are in Essence accepting that your husband has children ,you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father ,essentially making you a blended family , I don’t have sympathy for you I’m afraid if that’s the case , I know it can be hard to not have more time with your husband alone but kids need their Dad even more than you need a husband

No you don't have to treat them as your own. My stepchildren would hate it if I did that. They have a mother. I am not horrible to them and I treat them with respect and I like them but no way am I treating them as my own - that would cause all sorts of problems.

As for "blended family" there are lots of different types of families with step kids. They don't all suit being blended smoothly so they are all one big family unit. Rather than blended like a smoothie some families are best left more as a museli where all the indivdual relationships are allowed to be what they are with no pressure on the children or adults to force a closer bond than they are comfortable with.

Unless children come with their own instruction leaflet detailing what they will be like at every life stage then no, OP did not know what they were signing up for. Does any parent?

Did you not get your instruction manual with your stepkids? Maybe write to someone and get them to send it. It's that manual that they provide, you know, only for stepmums, not for regular mums. It spells it all out in plain English. You have to study it every night before you move in with DP, so you know exactly what you're letting yourself in for. Don't make that mistake again now, will you?

@aSofaNearYou

What signs do you think they should have picked up on?

Sorry, that was in response to @Mummyoflittledragon saying a caring partner should read the room.

@cooperage

FGS, nly step parents or people with personal experience of living in a step family should be allowed to post on these threads.

The self-righteous, first-marrieds brigade have no idea how vast and complex the issues are.

Quite

@minniemoocher
They are big
we don't see much of them

⬆️⬆️⬆️ Could be why??

@cooperage

FGS, nly step parents or people with personal experience of living in a step family should be allowed to post on these threads.

The self-righteous, first-marrieds brigade have no idea how vast and complex the issues are.

Personally I think it sounds incredible challenging, not only the shifting dynamic between dating someone, meeting their children, and then sharing lives and homes with them forever; but also the often complex relationships with ex partners, and other challenges. I have a lot of respect for step parents as it sounds shit to be frank, and I wouldn't judge anyone on iota for voicing that they hate it. As long as the children aren't adversely affected.

you need to treat those kids as if their your own because your Married to their father

Nope. You don't.
You need to treat them with kindness and be welcoming. That's all.

In the same way I'd treat my daughter's friend who came over, or my nephew. With kindness and a welcoming demeanour so they can spend time with their father. But not "like they are my own". That would be weird.

@LucieStar I'm imagining the look on my SC's face if I suddenly start treating her "as my own"

Exactly why I would never be with a man with children that are not mine. You don't have to like them being around, but I hope they don't pick up on it.

[quote PandaFluff]@LucieStar I'm imagining the look on my SC's face if I suddenly start treating her "as my own" [/quote]

Haha mine wouldn't ever want to come back - their Dad is more fun and less strict than me 😂

Sometimes when my DH takes my DS out to the park, I pointedly tell him not to hurry back.

Kids are tough, but at least with your own you're biologically programmed to love them to some extent. Which is good... because they save all their worst behaviour for home because that's where they feel relaxed. OP, you're not their parent and you have to endure their worst behaviour... it's a tough deal.

[quote KylieKoKo]@Mummyoflittledragon

Exactly - a caring parent
I think there is a tendency to expect step mother's to step up and make up for dad's poor parenting.

@Shortiemyboo

Why marry a man with children?

BINGO!!!
I bet you wouldn't ask a mother who is struggling with a newborn why she bothered having kids if she was finding it difficult ...[/quote]
I completly agree with the concept telling a struggling mum that she choose to have a child. DSS was 3 when I started dating his dad. He was a stereotypical 3 year old. As he has aged his attention seeking behaviours have worsened. At 9 he talks over everyone in the house and outside the house. I saw a good threat where a parent asked how to deal with this behaviour in a 5 year old and got told to tell them off essentially. Call them out on rude behaviour and say it is not acceptable but on here it's the poor stepchild.
My stepson spend 40% of his time here, he has a great relationship with his dad. I prioritise 1 on 1 time from each me and dad every other weekend and he still acts like the victim. This weekend he got up Saturday morning and we all had breakfast. I put the toddler down for a nap about 30 minutes after he got up and we spend an hour and a half playing board games. He then went for a 4 hour walk with his dad in the local forest. He came home and had a melt down because I wouldn't play another board game with him while his dad cooked dinner. I was playing with the toddler. I swear the child can out temper tantrum the toddler.

This is not typical behaviour and excusing it because he is a stepchild has made us end up at the point where he thinks he can get away with it. Sorry I went on my own rant there but the automatic assumption that step parents are evil is just cruel to step parents and really damaging to mental health.

Oh I missed the "why marry a man with children" nonsense. It really is bingo on here today

I've still yet to see it on the parenting board in response to a struggling new mum - "why have children then?"

Interesting that, isn't it...

@aSofaNearYou
I am talking about not being omnipresent within days of starting a relationship with a parent, letting the relationship with the child grow organically even if the parent is pushing for more. Not pushing to be involved in or taking over everything etc and walking away if the parent is discussing something sensitive with the child.

All of these things should absolutely be boundaries that the parent puts in place. However, irl unfortunately it doesn’t always work that way. And btw it isn’t necessarily a female boyfriend/ partner. Could also be a male one.

I think it’s quite cold to not treat your husband’s children with kindness and be there for them and care for them ,as although those children biologically will never be yours their still be in your life ,also having a good relationship with your step children puts you in better sted for If you and your husband have your own children one day ,

If your children were treated different by their step mum to how she treats how her own children there is already a problem in the family dynamic which is toxic and un-healthy which can cause family relationship breakdowns quite quickly tbh js

You should be aware his children may also be thinking that they prefer it when it's just their Dad & them. I remember feeling this as a child with my Dad's new wife - it wasn't that I didn't like her, I just longed for a little bit of him to myself, because he'd gone from our home and I felt lost & sad

I wouldn't want to be a stepparent 🤷‍♀️

@Honeyglowx I don't see why that should be toxic. My SC's mum doesn't treat my child the same as hers and everyone seems to get the concept they have different mothers. I don't treat my SC the same - I leave most the discipline to OH. I buy treats for my child I wouldn't for them as they are far too old. I wouldn't remind the SC of their manners but I would mine. I don't care about their school reports but I would mine. It seems to be working fine with them just having the two parents involved in that side of things.

@HideousKinky

You should be aware his children may also be thinking that they prefer it when it's just their Dad & them. I remember feeling this as a child with my Dad's new wife - it wasn't that I didn't like her, I just longed for a little bit of him to myself, because he'd gone from our home and I felt lost & sad

Yes, dad should make sure they have time alone with the children. Which would allow OP a break from them. It's trickier in pandemic times to go out for the day etc.

@PandaFluff it shouldn’t be toxic but it often is when you treat children differently and they grow up realising and being aware of it

and some things such discipline is down to the parents / step parents preference of how to handle that , it’s a individual thing to family’s with that aspect of caring for children / step children

[quote PandaFluff]@Honeyglowx I don't see why that should be toxic. My SC's mum doesn't treat my child the same as hers and everyone seems to get the concept they have different mothers. I don't treat my SC the same - I leave most the discipline to OH. I buy treats for my child I wouldn't for them as they are far too old. I wouldn't remind the SC of their manners but I would mine. I don't care about their school reports but I would mine. It seems to be working fine with them just having the two parents involved in that side of things.[/quote]

Exactly. I can relate to all of this.

I've still yet to see it on the parenting board in response to a struggling new mum - "why have children then?"

I acknowledge there is truth in this and it is easy to be judgemental about SP. But I don't think it is the same thing at all, at least not always.

Once you have a child you cannot un-have them. The question "why did you have a child...?" is entirely spurious, unless you actually abandon them.

On the other hand, people do often have the choice to rethink their position as step parents. There may be circumstances when the needs of the child/children should be put first. For a child's contact with one of their parents to be almost exclusively in the company of a third party who wold rather they weren't there isn't ideal, is it? Once new children are added into the mix this will no longer be possible.