I don't like when my Step Children are home...

[Amanda87]

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me!
I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...
Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

I'm a stepparent. It is tough. My own DC are fucking annoying and that's OK to admit. People understand but it's harder with DSC as you sound evil saying it.
But it's not going to change so make the most of it Try and enjoy them. Treat them as a friend not a child. Don't parent them. Leave DH to it. Go out when they are there sometimes. Let them talk about their Mum it would be weird for them not too. Kids are annoying. Your kids will be even more annoying as you are responsible for them all the time and you can't shift the blame of their shite behaviour to anyone else!

@Amanda87

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me! I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this... Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

I think your honesty is refreshing. A lot of posters talk of how they prefer time with just partner or them, partner and their own children (not the step children).

As long as your not doing anything to sabotage your partner's time with kids I dont think you are doing anything wrong.

I realise we hear more of the negatives than positives on here but the more I read the more I conclude its better to have your own space and be very mindful of blending as it leads to all kinds if challenges.

I think preferring peace and quiet is understandable and very normal.

But this bit suggests it’s more than that:

most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...

Why are you so against the kids’ mum?

I’m divorced and I really like my ex’s new wife. I think they’re perfect for each other and I have a lot of time for her. But, despite my best efforts, one day she suddenly flipped and declared “I don’t do exes” - yes, after choosing to MARRY A DIVORCED MAN WITH KIDS - and that was that. Apparently she’s “jealous of the years that ex and [I] had together.” Which is ridiculous as those years were awful, hence the divorce.

I just think she’s batshit now.

I don’t understand why second wives are so weirded out by first wives. It takes a lot of effort to get divorced, and nobody would do unless they had fallen completely out of love with each other, so there’s nothing to get weird about. It’s so over.

Anyway - why are you so annoyed when your step-children mention their mum?

@ThatOtherPoster

I think preferring peace and quiet is understandable and very normal.

But this bit suggests it’s more than that:

most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...

Why are you so against the kids’ mum?

I’m divorced and I really like my ex’s new wife. I think they’re perfect for each other and I have a lot of time for her. But, despite my best efforts, one day she suddenly flipped and declared “I don’t do exes” - yes, after choosing to MARRY A DIVORCED MAN WITH KIDS - and that was that. Apparently she’s “jealous of the years that ex and [I] had together.” Which is ridiculous as those years were awful, hence the divorce.

I just think she’s batshit now.

I don’t understand why second wives are so weirded out by first wives. It takes a lot of effort to get divorced, and nobody would do unless they had fallen completely out of love with each other, so there’s nothing to get weird about. It’s so over.

Anyway - why are you so annoyed when your step-children mention their mum?

You don't get it. Of course.

I don't like dps ex because she's a psycho.

Many people don't want to be in direct contact with their husbands ex, it's not weird, and frankly there is absolutely no need to be. You can communicate with your ex. She doesn't need to be your friend.

Many people don't want to be in direct contact with their husbands ex, it's not weird, and frankly there is absolutely no need to be.

I’m not talking about being friends or being in direct contact. I’d settle for being civil. Grown ups. There’s a lot of stuff but I won’t go into it here. Except to say, you sound angry too. I don’t get it. The man has moved on, so why do the women - especially the new ones - get so worked up?

I think it might be because it feels like the kids are saying mum does this (and it's better than what you do). It does take a bit of a mental shift to see it as mum does this (that's interesting this is how we/I do it). It is a big shift for the kids to learn their mum's way isn't the only way.

Does your husband know how you feel? If I was him I couldn’t be with you, knowing that you feel this way. I certainly wouldn’t have kids with you as the blended family thing is difficult enough without feeling how you do. That’s not to say that you can help how you feel, I just think you were wrong to continue a relationship with a man who had kids.

It’s a shit situation, not good for anyone. I suppose if you’re not willing to leave them you just have to get on with it. Hope it improves for everyone’s sake.

@ThatOtherPoster

Many people don't want to be in direct contact with their husbands ex, it's not weird, and frankly there is absolutely no need to be.

I’m not talking about being friends or being in direct contact. I’d settle for being civil. Grown ups. There’s a lot of stuff but I won’t go into it here. Except to say, you sound angry too. I don’t get it. The man has moved on, so why do the women - especially the new ones - get so worked up?

She doesn't need to be civil because you don't need to be in contact with her do you? Why do you need to speak to her?

Yes she should be civil if she has to speak to you, but realistically she doesn't need to be in contact with you.

I'm not "angry" but my dps ex has made my life hell for years. I have detailed this on another thread recently. If you cannot understand why I don't wanna be her bestie there's a problem with you, not me.

Of course you get it, you're just being goady.

Oh and btw, I tried to be civil with dps ex. It's her that got worked up. Assaulted dp. Alienated her child. Told me she hoped my child would die. Etc. I haven't ever said a bad word to her face. Or in front of her child. Ever. So maybe consider the full situation before your wide eyed faux innocent "I just don't understand" bullshit.

If you cannot understand why I don't wanna be her bestie there's a problem with you, not me.

Forgive me for not knowing the details of your life. This isn’t your thread though, is it? Did you name change?

So maybe consider the full situation before your wide eyed faux innocent "I just don't understand" bullshit.

😂

I’m not talking about being friends or being in direct contact. I’d settle for being civil. Grown ups. There’s a lot of stuff but I won’t go into it here. Except to say, you sound angry too. I don’t get it. The man has moved on, so why do the women - especially the new ones - get so worked up?

I don't want anything to do with my DPs ex. It's not quite the drama you're describing, it's just how I would feel in any relationship and it's how I feel in this one. That's not something I have any desire to engage with.

I wouldn't say I hate it when my SS mentions his mum, but he actually takes it quite a bit further than that, and will do things like repeatedly point out where items of my DPs used to sit "when he lived with mummy". No idea how he remembers anything like that as he was very young when they split, but I do find it annoying. He frequently seems to try and tell me (and more annoyingly for me, our 2yo DD) that his dad used to live with his mum, one way or another, as if it's a fascinating story I didn't know. I obviously let it go because I know he's just making sense of things in his head and doesn't get the adult complexities, but honestly it is jarring.

But actually, he has a very strong tendency to constantly tell people about himself and what happens in his house, presumably as a way of relating to them, it is how he usually contributes to any conversation. "I've got this, I've got that, I've got a bigger one of those, my mum does this, I've been here before, DID YOU HEAR I'VE DONE THIS BEFORE". It can be generally quite annoying, whether the subject matter is his mum or not, as it comes across as bragging/only being interested in himself. He makes it quite plain he isn't really interested in other people and this is something even other children find off putting in him. So in my case this trait being annoying is actually related to a wider problem.

@ThatOtherPoster

If you cannot understand why I don't wanna be her bestie there's a problem with you, not me.

Forgive me for not knowing the details of your life. This isn’t your thread though, is it? Did you name change?

So maybe consider the full situation before your wide eyed faux innocent "I just don't understand" bullshit.

😂

No, this isn't my thread, I'm explaining to you there are many reasons why she may not want to be in contact with her husbands ex.

I am beginning to understand why your ex husband's wife doesn't want to be in contact with you tbh.

@LoveDrunk

Does your husband know how you feel? If I was him I couldn’t be with you, knowing that you feel this way. I certainly wouldn’t have kids with you as the blended family thing is difficult enough without feeling how you do. That’s not to say that you can help how you feel, I just think you were wrong to continue a relationship with a man who had kids.

It’s a shit situation, not good for anyone. I suppose if you’re not willing to leave them you just have to get on with it. Hope it improves for everyone’s sake.

Almost every comment here from an actual step parent saying this is perfectly normal should tell you how unrealistic it would be for him (or you) to hold out for a relationship where your partner is genuinely excited your kids are there.

Can't help but laugh at all the people telling you not to "bring another child into this", OP. This is something most other step parents know is totally normal and to be expected. If you're staying with your husband, it's certainly not something to base the decision of whether to have a child of your own on. You should never be called upon to limit your own life in that way.

Does your husband know how you feel?
You are entitled to how you feel and personally I don't think it has to be bad. Some step families work fine with the step parent emotionally removed the sane way they could be so from their ILs. Not all kids will feel rejected and some might indeed feel the same.

However, it can it work in total honesty. If you feel so strongly that you'd need to come and vent to strangers, then your husband's deserves to k ow how you feel.

Keeping the pretense so that he stays with you and give him a false sense of security is being dishonest and manipulative by silence.

Talk to him, and discuss how to make it work so that noone is hurt. If it is a deal breaker for him than at least you are not living in false and dishonest grounds, trying to hide your feelings, and feeling like they don't matter to your OH.

If you open up, discuss it, find co.oromises etc...than you can free yourself from this 'secret' and be yourself again which ultimately will benefit everyone.

Being a Step Parent isnt an easy course for most people.I think many people feel likewise TBH! You will overlook problems with your own DC which you wouldnt from any one elses DC. Thats the crux of the matter .Only you can decide if you want to call it a day, and look for someone child free or stick it out if you love this guy .

I am beginning to understand why your ex husband's wife doesn't want to be in contact with you tbh.

😂 😂 😂 😂

As a birth parent, I understand the disruption. Most of my identity is just mum. I think you feel as though part of you is subsumed and some of that is to do with you feeling as though their mum is present. You can do something about that bit. When they start talking about their mum, learn a bit of grey rock ‘that’s nice dear, now what would you like for dinner?’, if they compare rules, ‘oh well you’re here now and in our house we do x’ etc. Remember to smile and try to look open. The comparison happens in just the same way with dd and her friends or friend’s parents.

Plan nice things to do with the kids and enjoyable things to do during your alone time.

Almost every comment here from an actual step parent saying this is perfectly normal should tell you how unrealistic it would be for him (or you) to hold out for a relationship where your partner is genuinely excited your kids are there.

It’s certainly common on here apparently. I completely understand that people may feel this way about another persons children. What I think just can’t work is, these children are (hopefully) the most important people in their dads life, a huge part of him. They are something that make OP quite miserable. When something is so important to one person and it brings actual unhappiness to the other, I think it’s not workable.

But if OP is going to stay, she does have to just get on with it. She chose the situation she’s in and won’t change it. Of course vent on here but it won’t actually help, the kids are here to stay. They might even choose to live with Dad full time at some point.

*I think preferring peace and quiet is understandable and very normal.

But this bit suggests it’s more than that:

most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...

Why are you so against the kids’ mum?

I’m divorced and I really like my ex’s new wife. I think they’re perfect for each other and I have a lot of time for her. But, despite my best efforts, one day she suddenly flipped and declared “I don’t do exes” - yes, after choosing to MARRY A DIVORCED MAN WITH KIDS - and that was that. Apparently she’s “jealous of the years that ex and [I] had together.” Which is ridiculous as those years were awful, hence the divorce.

I just think she’s batshit now.

I don’t understand why second wives are so weirded out by first wives. It takes a lot of effort to get divorced, and nobody would do unless they had fallen completely out of love with each other, so there’s nothing to get weird about. It’s so over.

Anyway - why are you so annoyed when your step-children mention their mum?*

You can be a sane, rational, mature adult & still get fed up of being constantly overtly compared to your partners ex & your sdc's mum &/or having to live in their shadow.

It doesn't mean you're necessarily jealous or insecure - it can mean you are just worn out having to fight your corner all of, most of, or even just some of the time. I was dropping my dc to my exh a few weekends ago & his dsis & her dh were there having popped by to say Hi from the driveway. They kept telling me how great it was to see me & how I should come visit them when lockdown is lifted; that they've missed seeing me around. All this while exh's dw is with us, standing outside the house I used to share with him & our dc. They get on really well with his dw & I appreciate they were only trying to be nice to me but they really did not 'read the room' & their behaviour was mortifying. I felt awful for dw who is also stuck in the house I once lived in as exh won't move as he thinks it would upset the kids (it wouldn't, they've told me).
As a second partner/wife you NEVER properly get a fresh start & there still exists this weird societal belief that the 'first' family triumphs everything; that the exw & the first dc still get the majority share of attention, finances etc. & that it is right & proper they do so & that if you didn't know all this before you got together with a man with kids then you are somehow stupid.
Nothing prepares you for the myriad of dynamics that can unfold when you're in a relationship with someone with dc.
When I was with exdp I used to sometimes feel astounded at the situation I found myself in. I work oth & always have & while exh gives me maintenance for food/utilities etc. we go halves on all the big stuff including third level education. His dw does not work as they have two young dc & that's their choice as a family. Exdp's exw never worked & still doesn't even though their dc are all teens/young adults. Exdp quite literally paid/pays, in full, for everything including her lifestyle.
One day I realised that despite exdp & I trying to create a new life together, I was basically working to fund half my dc & nearly all my life with exdp. Yes he financially contributed to the household but even thought I was working & minding my dc I did all the domestic chores plus all the graft (organising plumbers, repair men, mowing lawns etc.), plus organising holidays etc. just so he could work ridiculously long hours to hand over nearly all his money to his exw every month. I was basically working overtime in ALL aspects of my relationship just so another woman could still have her life funded by her exh. However, because I ask for nothing bar equality from my exh I didn't see this dynamic in it's entirety until we'll into the relationship & it (amongst other things) totally wore me out. I realised that we were never going to be able to build a financially secure/pensionable relationship with each other as exdp was going to be working until he dropped in order to meet her demands & those of his dc. By refusing to work she ensured that she & the dc were to the fore of exdp's every waking thought as the ENTIRE responsibility of their financial well-being rested with him. She very cleverly maintained the 'first' family's hierarchy by refusing independence - by making herself dependent on exdp she ensured he could never really break away.
It's mind games like this that lead sane, normal women to the depths of frustration with exes & sdc. & comments such as "I'm sick of hearing mom this & mom that".
So, the next time you wonder why the 'new woman' can't just move on ask yourself if you're really being as respectful of her space & 'position' as you think you are?
As for me? I won't visit my ex sis in law because I don't think it's respectful or the right thing to do. I like her but I don't need to visit her & I feel no need to instate myself with exh's family; to assert my position as the 'original' wife.

Sorry - All this section should have come up in bold!

**I think preferring peace and quiet is understandable and very normal.

But this bit suggests it’s more than that:

most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this...

Why are you so against the kids’ mum?

I’m divorced and I really like my ex’s new wife. I think they’re perfect for each other and I have a lot of time for her. But, despite my best efforts, one day she suddenly flipped and declared “I don’t do exes” - yes, after choosing to MARRY A DIVORCED MAN WITH KIDS - and that was that. Apparently she’s “jealous of the years that ex and [I] had together.” Which is ridiculous as those years were awful, hence the divorce.

I just think she’s batshit now.

I don’t understand why second wives are so weirded out by first wives. It takes a lot of effort to get divorced, and nobody would do unless they had fallen completely out of love with each other, so there’s nothing to get weird about. It’s so over.

Anyway - why are you so annoyed when your step-children mention their mum?**

It’s certainly common on here apparently. I completely understand that people may feel this way about another persons children. What I think just can’t work is, these children are (hopefully) the most important people in their dads life, a huge part of him. They are something that make OP quite miserable. When something is so important to one person and it brings actual unhappiness to the other, I think it’s not workable.

I think it often is unworkable when the kids are their dad's pride and joy and they make the SM miserable, yes. Certainly on here you see a lot of examples of the dad being very insulted and defensive about that. But in all honesty that is not always the case. The vast majority of the things I find difficult/unenjoyable about my step son, my DP also struggles with. He has no trouble understanding why being around him would make me unhappy, as although he loves him and he is important to him, it often does him as well. That sounds brutal but is the sad reality, really.

The vast majority of the things I find difficult/unenjoyable about my step son, my DP also struggles with. He has no trouble understanding why being around him would make me unhappy, as although he loves him and he is important to him, it often does him as well. That sounds brutal but is the sad reality, really.

I don’t think that sounds brutal. Biological parents don’t enjoy every moment with their children so why should a step parent? But if a step parent is actually miserable all the time the kids are around, that’s very different.

It works both ways. As a child I just wanted to see my Dad but as soon as he met DSM she was always around. I really missed my time just with him.

@Amanda87

Sorry, but I really feel so much better and happier when it's just DH and me! I miss the quiet, I miss the adult time and most of all, I hate hearing all the time: Mom did this... Mom said that... Mom bought this... Uuuuuuuuuuugh!

I know I'll be thrown many rocks at in here, but just wanted to vent and I know many people feel like me.
I would do anything when they're here, from cooking to entertainment, but I like it better when I'm disengaged and leave their dad with them.
I even rather come to work when they're home because I feel better outside.
Now, I'm not horrible or a monster like I know I'll be labeled as. I just feel like nobody will every be ready and 10000% ok with being a step parent to children that aren't theirs...
Well...

It’s ok to want your peace and quiet provided you never let them know. There are times when I just want DS away from me to drink a cuppa or read - I usually tell him to go and play with his toys and he’ll go away for 5-10mins which is just bliss.

I don’t think that sounds brutal. Biological parents don’t enjoy every moment with their children so why should a step parent? But if a step parent is actually miserable all the time the kids are around, that’s very different.

Well, yes, but that is an honest reflection of his behaviour, in my case. We are both frequently more unhappy than we are happy when he is around, he is one of those kids where there is "always something". He's not particular well behaved or a joy to be around.

Yes, there will be cases where the kids are generally angels and the SM simply doesn't like it when they're around on principle. But it's often caused more by what's actually going on.

It works both ways. As a child I just wanted to see my Dad but as soon as he met DSM she was always around. I really missed my time just with him.
@JE17 this I totally get. However, it was not your sm's job to ensure you got time with your dad. It was his responsibility to make space for one on one time with you.