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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To not give my kids over 50/50

323 replies

FullTimeMummy1983 · 07/06/2020 21:08

Hi, name changed for this but regular on aibu etc. Dont know if this is the right place but will get moved if need too.
Me and exH separated 6 years ago, 4 kids 7-13. Since Corona and all that theyve been having 50 50 time with there dad and me, which was fine, I have a new partner etc. The kids started being upset when they came back here crying and stuff saying they wanted to stay at there dads more. So he spoke to me and said it was in the kids best interests moving forward to stick with 50/50. Before this it was about 40/50 with me.
Anyway so then he says he wont be paying me CMS anymore because of this and will go through CMS cos we'd just been doing it between ourselves until now. I didnt know that he shouldn't pay me anything if 50 50 is this true? I would really struggle without that money and he said I could think about getting a job, I've not worked since before DD13 was born, but i don't see how thats his business and i have some inheritance.
Then the kids have come back to mine and said they want 50 50 but I've told them that would be a bigger gap not seeing there dad cos 2 weeks straight. One of them said its cos he has an xbox at his dads which i just think is the real reason so ive bought him an xbox now for here. I dont want to not be available for my kids cos who would have them if there ill etc. We've gone back to 40/50 now and my ex is saying he'll go though mediation cos thats what the kids want??
Can my ex not pay if its 50 50?

OP posts:
Original poster
FullTimeMummy1983 · 08/06/2020 22:21

@Kittcat what do you mean?

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 08/06/2020 22:34

How will you support yourself when your children have grown up and you don’t get benefits for them?

How do you pay a mortgage with no income?

Dollyparton3 · 09/06/2020 00:40

@Infinitesheldon I'm afraid you're right, there are a number of these ex wives among us.

OP, you haven't said what the wishes of the children are in all of this. What do they need right now? Or is this a bit more transactional for you and do you really view your children as a pay per view commodity? I say this as a step mum who has seen her husband through several rounds of this through our ex wife and ultimately the debate always surrounds the figure that the mother wants us to pay her, not what's in the interests of the children.

Lovebug06 · 09/06/2020 09:54

Op you haven't listened at all even though every reply has said the same things. It's what you don't want to hear so you have no interest. You don't seem bothered that your children don't want to come to yours at all, which I find strange. More about the money. As many have said, in a few years you will have no choice. CM and also CB will stop, you will have to work or are you expecting him (and his gf!!) to fund your life. He left with nothing as well, you got the house! He also has them half the time so half of the time the house is empty and your home alone and you get money too. Do you not see how lucky you have been? The main point here is the children want to go there more, that is what matters, not your money! Would you be okay to pay him now it's 50/50?, no you wouldn't, so nor should he. You have lived 6 years not working since he left, you have been lucky, now it's time to do what is right for the kids and also set an example to them. If he can work and have the kids half the time, why doesn't having a job work for you around the kids?! You have them the same amount of time! He sounds a decent man, and he is right to have concerns about the parks and visiting your sister. You are being very selfish with the job aspect, it may be scary but it'll be worse if you leave it.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 09/06/2020 10:43

You sound deluded. Why on earth should he pay you if he has them 50% of the time. The money is not for you so that you don't have to work. It's for your children. You should be contributing 50%, he should be contributing 50%. If they stay with him 50% of the time then that's his 50% and yours is when they stay with you.

It's not for his wife to pay maintenance to you because you can't be arsed to work. Bloody hell. And I'd say it absolutely is his business if you're demanding money that you aren't entitled to because you apparently need it when you're not even working.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 09/06/2020 10:50

God I've just finished reading all of OPs replies. Are you not embarrassed? You need his help to find a job? You didn't work when you were married so why should you now? It's pathetic. You are a grown woman. Support yourself, set an example to your children and listen to what they want rather than being so concerned about losing the money which enables you to laze about at home all day.

You sound awful.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 09/06/2020 10:57

@FullTimeMummy1983

ITS NOT MADE UP!!!! And i dont know what a reverse is!!!! i came on here for support and advise not to be dragged
You don't deserve any support, you sound like you're supported by everyone else around you in life and don't actually think you should do any of that yourself.

Utter scrounger.

innitlush · 09/06/2020 11:36

You need to set aside the money. There is always the possibility that the money is withdrawn if your ex lost his job. I've gone years without nothing, I'm owed £18K. In November I started to receive regular payments, which is great, but I'm presuming my ex has now been furloughed as I haven't received anything for two months.

As for having no CV, any job is a job. Anyone can start applying for jobs. How do you think students get seasonal work, when they have never worked before. Start applying. No job is beneath you, even if it isn't something you would particularly enjoy. My sister has a degree, but due to being a single mum she works a starbucks, picking up any shifts she can. They're quite flexible with her working hours, and understands she cannot work full time due to having school age children.

Take the focus off the money, as it wont be there for life and think about what's best for your kids. Its not you ex's fault that you have come to rely on the money. And it's certainly not his partners responsibility to fund your children and/or your lifestyle. Get your head out of the sand and start looking for a job TODAY.

Marypip · 09/06/2020 12:01

@FullTimeMummy1983

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help) Thats not what i came on here for it was to ask about 50 50 and CMS
This has to be a joke, you sound like a lazy, entitled pain in your ex’s arse. Why wouldn’t a job work for the kids? What on Earth are you on about! Do you know how many women work? With multiple children! Also why would his ex wife find you, get a job!! You sound horrendous, your poor kids. I’m actually laughing at you asking your Ex to help you get a job, is he a Job Centre?
GrumpyHoonMain · 09/06/2020 12:07

50/50 is across the whole year. If you have them for even a few days more than that he owes you. Let him go to court - they will provide you with a plan.

SleepingStandingUp · 09/06/2020 12:13

Ex DH divorced me so Aibu to think that he should support me financially for the rest of days?

unicornsarereal72 · 09/06/2020 14:41

@FullTimeMummy1983

If you are in receipt of universal credit it is expected that you look for work. They will want to see evidence of your job searches and also study to get you back to work.

You need to start planning a head. Your ex and the state will not support you forever.

What do you want to do. Can you start to study or volunteer. To build your CV.

As others have said as the children reach 16/18 and are out of education your benefits and CM will be reduced.

My eldest is 16 in 2 years his DLA will stop and I'm not expecting to get PIP. So this will impact my income significantly. Even though he is a sept birthday and will still be in school I plan to be working full time by then to compensate for this change.

You need to be financially independent.

IndieRo · 10/06/2020 10:45

Get a job to cover the money you are down. Seems like you are more concerned with losing out on money rather than the actual 50/50.

NCforsafety · 10/06/2020 15:47

Are you my DH's ex-wife?

Thought she was one of a kind - if you aren't her then it's very sad there are more of you with this selfish self-entitled crap attitude.

GET A JOB. And maybe you should give the children to your ex - sounds like you aren't exactly a great example to them. The sheer fact you threaten that astounds me and chills me to the core.

DogBowlSpaghetti · 10/06/2020 20:15

OP you have my sympathies. I was expecting my DC to be a cash cow but as it happens he just eats, poos and requires nurturing. He eats so much I have to work to pay for it! It’s really inconvenient. I was definitely missold parenting.

TazSyd · 10/06/2020 20:23

@dogbowlspaghetti
😂😂😂

Original poster
FullTimeMummy1983 · 11/06/2020 16:03

Well you'll be happy to hear I've just found out he's taking me to.mediation. if I refuse it will go to court. Ds8 was crying again when he dropped them.off and other one was saying he wants to stay there longer so.we will see what happens

OP posts:
DogBowlSpaghetti · 11/06/2020 16:10

This has to be a reverse or a troll. No way would any sensible Mother resist 50:50 care, where her children are desperate for it solely on the basis that they might have to get a job.

I am extremely fortunate in that I could be a SAHM, but it so important to me to retain my identity and provide for my family that I continue to work. I really don’t understand women who think the world (or in this case their ex) owes them something.

DogBowlSpaghetti · 11/06/2020 16:11

Clearly you won’t be successful in mediation and you’re just dragging matters out for all involved, most importantly your children for the sake of a few quid. Put as much energy into your CV and you’ll be well away with a job.

AintNoMaryPoppins · 11/06/2020 16:15

Ugh you're horrid.

zaffa · 11/06/2020 16:19

@sauvignonismysaviour I was thinking the same thing 😂 they have 50/50 and yet she does in fact still get child support from him - because she claims the child benefit apparently. I don't understand it either ...

Giespeace · 11/06/2020 16:20

Well you'll be happy to hear I've just found out he's taking me to.mediation.
That’s what happens when reasonable discussions can’t happenwithout intervention. What did you expect? It’s exactly what you need so don’t be giving it the whole “poor me” routine again Hmm

AskingforaBaskin · 11/06/2020 16:25

And how does that make you feel? That your children don't want to be around you?
Can you talk to them and find out what they're feeling? How can you do better?

TheGlaikitRambler · 11/06/2020 16:32

How on earth can you afford to buy new Xboxes and pay a mortgage with no job?

RaceDayCrumbs · 11/06/2020 16:34

The tax payer and the ex...