To not give my kids over 50/50

[FullTimeMummy1983]

Hi, name changed for this but regular on aibu etc. Dont know if this is the right place but will get moved if need too.
Me and exH separated 6 years ago, 4 kids 7-13. Since Corona and all that theyve been having 50 50 time with there dad and me, which was fine, I have a new partner etc. The kids started being upset when they came back here crying and stuff saying they wanted to stay at there dads more. So he spoke to me and said it was in the kids best interests moving forward to stick with 50/50. Before this it was about 40/50 with me.
Anyway so then he says he wont be paying me CMS anymore because of this and will go through CMS cos we'd just been doing it between ourselves until now. I didnt know that he shouldn't pay me anything if 50 50 is this true? I would really struggle without that money and he said I could think about getting a job, I've not worked since before DD13 was born, but i don't see how thats his business and i have some inheritance.
Then the kids have come back to mine and said they want 50 50 but I've told them that would be a bigger gap not seeing there dad cos 2 weeks straight. One of them said its cos he has an xbox at his dads which i just think is the real reason so ive bought him an xbox now for here. I dont want to not be available for my kids cos who would have them if there ill etc. We've gone back to 40/50 now and my ex is saying he'll go though mediation cos thats what the kids want??
Can my ex not pay if its 50 50?

Can you talk to them and find out what they're feeling?

It's clear as day that OP isn't interested in finding out why her kids cry at the prospect of going home to her. She's only bothered about keeping her money and not having to get off her arse and find a job.

OP is clearly confused between child maintenance and spousal maintenance.

If you are real then you need to take responsibility for your own life.

You said you have a partner? The word partner suggest more than a fling/casual relationship so I'm assuming he knows at some point if you move in you expect him to pay for your children in the form of child support to your ex should his income ever outweigh their Dads? Or if the kids end up living with their Dad full time and he moves in have you told him you expect him to pay child support to your ex for your children? I'm surprised he hasn't ran a mile.

There's some shit dads out there who have very low contact and try to wriggle out if doin their bit but this bloke has his children a decent amount of time and you expect him to keep paying for your children when they are at his and at yours because you don't want a job?

It's scary when you haven't been earning money for so long and re entering the workplace but you can not reasonable expect another woman to pay for you stay at home, you need to do what many other single parents have to do and get a job as juggle childcare, you're in a better position than many others who have to juggle childcare all of the time because the Dads only have the kids at weekends. You only need to juggle it two weeks a month.

Sending them to live with him full time because you won't get a job will make you lose more than just child support. You'll lose child benefit and any benefits you may get linked to kids.

Your children are the financial responsibility of you and your ex. Nobody else. What do you think you're going to do when your children reach the age child support and child related benefits stop? Like how are you going to provide for yourself? Best get a job now even if you kept getting the money because you won't have a choice at some point.

OP, when you are put onto Universal Credit you will get a work coach who will help you find jobs and apply for them. The job centre usually has someone who helps write CV's too, so you dont need to worry about that. My Ex and I share 50/50 residency one week on one week off. On the weeks I have the DC I work short days so I can do school pick up and drop off, then I work more in the weeks when I don't have them. It is doable. You need to get your head round the fact that you will be required to work in the near future.

@TheGlaikitRambler with my benefits, CMS and a bit of my inheritance.

@mattberryshair Does your ex pay you child maintenance?

Fulltimemummy your gonna have to get your head around the fact your going to have to get a job. The job centre will help you.

I think sometimes people get so used to having a passive income they are shocked and feel bewildered when they have to start looking after themselves.

Your children are not cash cow.

I think your post comes across that the only reason you don't want your kids to get 50/50 with their dad is because you want him to carry on paying? If its what the children want, there's no concerns with him having them and the children are old enough to be clear in their wishes and reasons why then you should let them.

Your youngest goes to school and you can get a job 16-20 hours a week to make up the money that he would usually be giving you. It's correct that his new wife's income isn't taken into consideration. They aren't her kids so why would should she give up her wages for 4 kids that aren't hers.

@FullTimeMummy1983

He does, but only because I am disabled and have a limited capacity to work and he wants the DC to have adequate provision at both houses. If I was not disabled I'd be working full time and would not receive child maintenance from him, because it wouldn't be fair to expect anything from him if I was capable of providing it myself.

You sound exactly like my dp’s ex. Though she’s slightly worse.
Get a job. Every other working parent does it. Including the ones parenting alone with little to no support. You don’t like what people are saying here because it’s the truth, and the truth is hard to face.

@FullTimeMummy1983

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help) Thats not what i came on here for it was to ask about 50 50 and CMS

?? why cant you get a job?

I'm going to be really controversial here but I can see why getting a job after so long, with children still young enough to need after school care, can seem like an impossible task.

I used to work in recruitment, I stopped working when I had my eldest (now aged 5) because my high earning husband travelled lots and we agreed it was easier for me not to work than to sort out irregular childcare as I couldn't do all the nursery collections and go back to my old job. I had a second kid (now aged 3) and 5 years of Verbal abuse which completely knocked my confidence.

I wanted to work for years, since my second kid so that I could save up and escape. But anxiety paralysed me and I found it so hard to know where to start.

I did eventually leave my ex in August and was offered a job in November when the kids were 2&4 but I pulled in a lot of favours from friends and ex colleagues to help with my cv/interview prep/childcare for free during the interviews. I am someone who used to be incredibly confident, well educated, a good cv, loads of volunteering and work experience etc. If you don't have people in the know it must be pretty daunting. Organising childcare was a nightmare for after school hours (and Costs £30 less than I earn during half term months... rendering working nearly completely pointless)

I say this as someone who was so desperate for a job that on the day of the interview for the job I was offered I had a complete breakdown and said that if I didn't get the job I'd shoot myself because I couldn't cope with being a sahm for a single second longer, it was soul destroying. I'm now desperate to get back to the office after lockdown. And OP absolutely should find a job instead of impacting the kids relationship with their dad over a trivial amount of money.

BUT for anyone saying 'just find a job' it's not always that simple.

@Needtogetbackinthesack

I agree with what you wrote, that its not easy, but what is the alternative? OP never works? who pays for her to live?

No one is expecting OP to go out and earn 100k part time, but what they are saying is that, she needs to take responsibility for her own income - and needs to start building that now. I'm not sure how old her DC are, (4 kids 7-13/Didnt mean 7 sorry youngest is 5 started school in september) but even in the youngest is 5 there is no reason she cannot get a job

No I completely agree with you, and there is no alternative, and you can't not work forever - but I think some of the previous comments have made it overly simplistic. Just get a cv! Just get a job! Go to the job centre! Especially right now there are going to be loads of people with great cvs looking for work, a nearly 40yo who needs to work round kids and hasn't got any work experience and is probably feeling fairly anxious and is out of touch with modern employment etiquette/might not have suitable interview clothes etc, has the odds stacked against her. (If she's born in 1983 then I'm the exact same age, I have to work around my kids, I overcame these obstacles so it really can be done and I'm not excusing her, just trying to get some of the other posters to see the other side of things)

It can also take ages to sort work and an income - I started applying mid sept, given that you wait for application deadlines, then often several rounds of interviews, then a decision, the apply - offer stage can be lengthy. Added to that I had to wait over Xmas for my dbs check which took 6 weeks before I could start, then got paid nearly a month after starting work. So In sept I decided to look for work, applied for the job I got in Oct, offered nov, start date 4 Feb, first pay check end feb. Had to pay a months nursery and after school club upfront, during which time cms reduced because my kids increased nights at their dads and I had to pay petrol for a fortnightly 4 hour round trip to collect them. I'm not complaining about any of this but it's just not as easy as get a job and the next week you get paid so I think some people on this thread could have a little more empathy.

Just get a cv! Just get a job! Go to the job centre!

I agree that is not always this simple. However for me it's more to do with the fact that OP seems very unwilling to even try. She thinks she shouldn't have to work because she never has, whilst also expecting someone who isn't her kids parent to fund her life and she can't look for a job or make a CV without the help of her ex husband? Please. It's all excuses.

OP is entitled. That's the problem. I have all the time and sympathy in the world for people who actively try. OP doesn't want to do that though, it's very clear from her posts that she expects to be able to sit around doing nothing because it's what she has always done so 'why should I have to get a job'. She has directly said that. She didn't work when they were married so why should that be different now?

That is what makes me dislike the OP. It's such an unattractive mentality. It makes me physically cringe that someone could think that way and think they were reasonable. Add that to the fact that she is far more interested in getting money from her ex than listening to what her children actually want. It's embarrassing.

@Needtogetbackinthesack

The problem is many posters up thread have wasted their time giving advice and suggestions on how OP could at least get started on this. But she doesn’t want to know. All she wants to hear is that she is so special that the world definitely owes her and she shouldn’t have to lift a finger for any of it. The fact that she holds this position even to the detriment of her children has really pissed people off.
Nobody saying it will be easy for her. Just that she has to get off her arse and try.

What will mediation say? Will they make me get a job or just be their

Mediation will not involve child maintenance.
But they will probably want to cover why your children hate you....

I didn't work when I was married either (different reasons. My ex was a high earner and worked overseas a lot) and I made every excuse to my husband but the reality was I was scared of rejection and anxious about the logistics of childcare etc. Behind the scenes I was busy looking for jobs, but would never admit it in case he mocked me for being rejected while he had his high paying job. I think sometimes it can be a front, or anxiety, regardless of how she phrases it.

@Fulltimemummy1983

Regardless of me defending you, mediation will tell you to maximise your income.

I work 2 days a week in a well paying job, which pays more than a full time salary on a lower wage job. The hours that I work are the perfect balance between earning and paying out for childcare, if I worked more hours the childcare would be significantly more than I earn. I earn the same as I did before stopping work 5 years ago. It's local to me and flexible for working around half terms etc, which is essential as I have no other local support. I had to move 100 miles away from my ex to escape DV and live with my mum but she works full time so can't help with childcare. And STILL I'm expected to maximise my income. You'll be asked what jobs you've applied for, to share a copy of your cv, any applications you've made, any advice you've taken, and training/volunteering/work experience you've done. I'm defending you because I think people are being a bit simplistic, and because I've been you and I know how hard it is - but you are in for a huge shock.

@FullTimeMummy1983 also my kids are much younger than yours, just turned 3&5 so one in year R and one will start school sept 2021. There's less expectation when the kids are too young for school, once they're in school you are expected to work. There are very few jobs with hours that are compatible with school, and wrap around childcare is a minefield. It's probably worth your while looking into it now while you have the luxury of time, before being forced into a situation where you must get a job but haven't a clue where to start.

@needtogetback why will they tell me to maximise my income? My sister says they dont get involved and just sit there while you talk

because they have two incomes i dont see why it's not taken into account. She looks after them when hes working from home

You cheeky cow. Why should your ex's new partner have to pay for your dc when you won't get off your arse and get a job??

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help)

How do you think thousands of other single parents manage to work???

And if you don't know how to get a job, get off Mumsnet and google it. Don't rely on your ex to help you out.

Is this a wind-up?!

@FullTimeMummy1983

We had a mortgage but he didnt take anything from that cos it's the kids home so now its just in my name. Im not point scoring by buying him an xbox it was something he said he had at dads so I got him one here.

Fuck me. She got the house and still she wants him to fund her life. I hope the poor sod hasn’t got any gold fillings or she’ll be at him with the Black & Decker.

I don't appreciate being called a scrounger, if you can work thats fine but it wont work for me ive got no cv

Well that won't change if you don't get a job! Start with a job that requires no previous experience or gives you training on the job, like shop work.

Google adult basic education in your area and learn to use Word and so on on a pc if you want an office job. We all have to start somewhere.

think thats right, why shouldnt it be done on what each parent earns??

But you earn nothing. How would you support your dc without your ex and the state?? Why do you think its fair your ex has to work and support his dc if you don't do the same?

You're setting a terrible example to your dc.

He does, but only because I am disabled and have a limited capacity to work and he wants the DC to have adequate provision at both houses

Christ. Don’t tell her that. She’ll break her own legs.