To not give my kids over 50/50

[FullTimeMummy1983]

Hi, name changed for this but regular on aibu etc. Dont know if this is the right place but will get moved if need too.
Me and exH separated 6 years ago, 4 kids 7-13. Since Corona and all that theyve been having 50 50 time with there dad and me, which was fine, I have a new partner etc. The kids started being upset when they came back here crying and stuff saying they wanted to stay at there dads more. So he spoke to me and said it was in the kids best interests moving forward to stick with 50/50. Before this it was about 40/50 with me.
Anyway so then he says he wont be paying me CMS anymore because of this and will go through CMS cos we'd just been doing it between ourselves until now. I didnt know that he shouldn't pay me anything if 50 50 is this true? I would really struggle without that money and he said I could think about getting a job, I've not worked since before DD13 was born, but i don't see how thats his business and i have some inheritance.
Then the kids have come back to mine and said they want 50 50 but I've told them that would be a bigger gap not seeing there dad cos 2 weeks straight. One of them said its cos he has an xbox at his dads which i just think is the real reason so ive bought him an xbox now for here. I dont want to not be available for my kids cos who would have them if there ill etc. We've gone back to 40/50 now and my ex is saying he'll go though mediation cos thats what the kids want??
Can my ex not pay if its 50 50?

Is your inheritance paying your mortgage? Because surely if it has been enough to pay your mortgage for 5/6 years, then you're not even entitled to benefits?

Doesn’t the plot thicken...

So you have an inheritance, expect your ex (and his wife???) to pay you when you have kids equal time and claim benefits despite having no infants, disability or MH exemption?

Do you have GCSE maths and English at a pass grade? Then you can get a job. Lots of parents have kids they have to drop off at school. They find jobs with school hours/pay a friend to drop the kids off/drop them either a childminder before and after school.

You're scared and a job seems too much right now, I get it, but you're a grown adult and you're not setting a great example for your kids. You need to be independent.

Also - why are the kids so upset at being brought home? What's the vibe like in your home? Are they stressed?

Op have you ever wondered what would happen if god forbid anything bad happened to your ex and he wasn't around anymore? How would you cope with no maintenance AND having to pay for your dc full time? Take a look at yourself, you give women a bad name.

because they have two incomes i dont see why it's not taken into account. She looks after them when hes working from home and she isnt so she has a hand in there life

You and your ex DP chose to have 4 children. That is yours and your ex DPs responsibility, not your ex DP’s new partner’s responsibility. You should be grateful that she looks after them at all, because she doesn’t have to.

Get a job and stop expecting other people to pay for your decisions.

@FullTimeMummy1983

You’re going to have to get a job at some point. When the children are 18 the benefits and maintenance will stop then. Have you thought about what you’re going to do then?

OP what was your long term plan for income? In a few years your older children will be adults so you won't get maintenance for them anyway, if you have a 5 year old I'm going to assume you're a long way off retirement age - are you planning to never work? Plenty of single parents work either school hours or use a childminder or wrap around childcare to enable them to work so I'm not sure why you think it's so unreasonable for you to get a job just becuase you have kids who can't get themselves to school.

You need to be thinking about a job long term though anyway , your ex won't always have to pay childcare as your kids grow up and aren't benefits now based on having to get a job once youngest gets to a certain age ?
Plenty of single mums and any mums really have jobs and have to work it round the children , but you need to do this for yourself in the long term as well

@FullTimeMummy1983 are you not concerned at all that the kids don't want to be with you? Your reluctance to provide for your own children is astounding.your view that your exdh should provide it you is equally astounding.

At this rate I wouldn't be surprised if exdh goes to court and gets full custody.

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help)

Are you being serious. My mum had 5 children and worked every day of her life. Why are you asking him for help in getting a job. Have some pride in yourself and empower yourself to be an example to your children. Go online and take some free training. Sign up to online recruiters. I'm not saying it's easy, but you need to help yourself. Your ex wants to have the children 50/50 and if there are no safeguarding issues and this is want they want, you are looking like you are simply refusing because of the money and this is not on.

'I didnt work when we were together so dont see just cos we've split why that has to change. He chose to divorce not me'

He sounds like a decent man. You did that because you were a couple; you are not together any more. You are not any more. He also gave you the house. He has been very generous to you and supported you throughout your marriage and afterwards. It's your turn now to support yourself.

When your children are of secondary school age, they certainly can travel to and from school a few villages away.

Ive already said i can't get a job as i told my ex it doesn't work for the kids. I wouldn't even know how to get one (have asked him to help)

Doesn’t work for the kids? More like it doesn’t work for you.
This will sound harsh, but you need to grow up and take responsibility for yourself and your life.
Living off your ex’s money isn’t a good life plan.
This does sound like a windup though.....

@FullTimeMummy1983
I'm at a loss to understand your thinking here. Pretty much every poster here has said that what your Ex gives you now is for your children - not YOU! He doesn't owe you any more than he is currently paying and, if I've understood correctly, he's been generous as far as the house is concerned.

We had a mortgage but he didnt take anything from that cos it's the kids home so now its just in my name.

Plus you mentioned you have an inheritance.

You cannot block out common sense by digging your heels in, or burying your head in the sand, or sticking your fingers in your ears and yelling your frustration to the world. NONE of that will help you. YOU, the other adult who had these children, are responsible for ensuring the good welfare of your children. NOT just your Ex. Certainly not his wife because your children are NOT his children and she has neither the legal nor moral responsibility to pay for children who are not hers.

The fact that he decided to divorce you doesn't change the facts as they stand. NOBODY owes you a living OP. You have to please get off your high horse, stop with your irrational and entitled demands, and make the best of it. What else is there - realistically?

You are already in a better position than most. You have an Ex who's taken the emotional and financial needs of his children seriously, you have a house over your head, I read nothing in your posts about you having a mental or physical illness so REALLY why would you expect someone else to be your lifelong meal ticket when you are perfectly able to go and get a job?

I've no doubt that, after more than a decade of being out of the workforce the very idea is daunting but you absolutely cannot live like this for the next 40-50 years or more.

You've had good suggestions on here about the next, positive steps to take. Swallow your pride, if not for your children's sake then your own, take the advice and go from there.

I hope you make the sensible decision OP because the only person who is going to rescue your future is YOU. I hope you take the good advice you've been given to plan and work for a better future for yourself and your children.

Why does getting a job not work for the kids?

Why can't you at least work 9-3, so 30 hours?

The OP doesn't want to work, that much is clear.
She wants life handing to her on a plate.
Expecting her ExH to sort out a CV for her shows she's still trying to control him.
Her own children would rather be with their dad which I think says a lot.

Sorry OP but the world doesn't owe you anything. Time to put your big girl pants on and get a job. Time to stop expecting people to look after you and look after yourself.

Look to get a job near their school or maybe something which you can work at home. If your username reflects your date of birth you will need to work until you are 68 before you can draw the state pension, if you are even eligible and it exists. If you are 36 or 37 now that is over 30 years, your children will have long since grown up, even your youngest will be 35 and might have their own family. I would consider either training or setting up a business which you can expand as they get older. It is much easier to retrain now than in ten years time.

I would also maybe see if you could negotiate fixed days with your ex. It will make it much easier for you to work, so say he always has them Mon and Tuesday nights, you always have Wed and Thursday and then Fri Sat Sun alternatively it means that you can always know that you can work long days on Mon and Tuesday and then shorter school hours on the rest of the week.

There are schemes to help you work, if you don't have Maths or English GCSE then there is help to get those. Honestly you will feel good about yourself being independent and it is a good example for your dc too.

In normal circumstances (ie not covid lockdown), the DWP offer free courses to jobseekers. Help with your CV, job search and interview tips. They also used to offer basic IT skills. Perhaps you could look into this OP?

I'm starting to think you are my dh's ex she told the court she couldn't work as her dc went to private school so had long holidays and the trust funds she lived off didn't quite cover the holidays she liked so I should pay the extra maintenance as I didn't need as much (of my own hard earned money) seeing as my dc were university age/sixth form. Is there a CF school for ex wives I don't know about?

@InfiniteSheldon obviously you don't have to answer.
But can I please ask what the judge said?

So many posters saying this must be a wind up or a reverse; and that surely nobody can be this entitled … OP, are you my husband's ex-wife?

I think it’s for the best the kids spend the majority of the time with their dad as you are setting a shocking example for them. Never worked a day in your life and expect the government and your ex husband to pay for you! Jeremy Kyle would have loved you 😂

bloodyhellsbellsx and dont forget to add his new wife should pay too

My husband’s ex is also like this. She’d do anything not to work a day in her life.

That’s why I said one would like to think people like this don’t exist. But they definitely do. I suspect that women like this are rarer than men who don’t pay for their kids though. But it’s two sides of the same awful thing really.

I didnt work when we were together so dont see just cos we've split why that has to change. He chose to divorce not me
He's not responsible for supporting you - because you are an adult who is more than capable of supporting themself.
You are both responsible for supporting your children - that means you both have to pay towards their needs.

Once you go onto universal credit you will be expected to look for work.