Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

Nope!

Hell no! How could you if you’ve never been in that situation before?

Your friend is a twat.

When someone finds parenting their own child hard work does anyone tell them they knew what they were getting into? Of course they bloody don’t and most newborn etc struggles are far better documented. Non-sleeping baby? Oh well everyone knows you could get one of those. 6th dirty toddler nappy of the day? Everyone knows babies poo a lot. It just doesn’t happen. The trials and tribulations of step and blended relationships are a mystery until they appear.

I’ve been pretty lucky as a step child and step mother compared to many people but as a step parent I went in with my eyes as wide open as possible, with step kids young enough to get used to me quickly, with handfuls of self help books under my belt and the most supportive husband you can imagine and I did not have a fucking clue.

Your set up doesn’t sound easy and I’m sure you’re doing your best by everyone. I wouldn’t talk about any of it with this “friend” again, she’s stupid and unhelpful.

Yes and no.

I have 3 step dc. A girl who is 11, and two boys aged 10 and 7. I came into their lives when they were 6, 5 and 1.

At the beginning I loved it. They were sweet, in particular my sd was a novelty as I have one ds who was 3 at the time, but no dd. I loved having a little girl around to do 'girlie' things with. Also I was very fond of my baby ss and my ds absolutely loved the 5yo boy. We were a happy family, for many years.

The issue has always been their dm. She hated me. I was not the ow but she never gave me a chance, to this day she's never even looked in my direction. She slagged me off repeatedly to the dc, my Dh too. This wasn't such an issue when they were very young but sadly over the years the rot has set in. She lavishes them with expensive technology, the likes of which we cannot afford. Subsequently the dc have become spoiled rotten and only go where the going is good for them. My sd stopped seeing me and Dh close to a year ago. It still breaks my heart. She gave no reason just said she hated us and that was that. The 10yo boy will only come over if we wait on him hand and foot. And the 7yo boy is possibly the rudest child I've ever met and calls Dh all the names under the sun. None of them have an ounce of respect for him.

My dsc used to bring me joy, however now it's just pain and looking back I don't think I'd do it again.

Ha! You don’t “know what you were getting into” when you give birth to a child, far less when you inherit one via a partner - usually with the ex factor to a greater or lesser degree, too. And what’s more, you don’t have the benefit of the unconditional love and bond to see you through the shit times.
It’s one of those MN phrases that that really winds me up on the step-parenting board - along with “existing children”. All the children “exist” now, regardless of birth order or whose DNA they carry, so whatever is said in the rest of the post is generally going to be a worthless load of shite!!!
In any case, your friend is talking out of a choice orifice if she genuinely thinks any type of parent could have “known what they were getting into” when they failed to factor how to deal with a global pandemic in to their decision. Ridiculous.

No I didn’t. That’s why I don’t get the logic behind that statement and why it gets thrown around so much.

You don’t go telling a parent they knew what they were getting in to when they’re finding things difficult. Because nobody ever does know. Same with stepparents!

It’s just such a lazy argument.

That's pretty much how I feel about it. Yes I knew he had dc, but no I wasn't prepared for what life would actually look like in reality. I'm not sure how anyone would prepare for it

Probably outing to say this but with DSS’s mum I knew exactly what I was getting into... she turned up on the doorstep screaming, at 6am, the first night I spent at now-DH’s. ....aaaand then she did it again the next morning. We now get on pretty well, but at the beginning she was very very difficult, and there was no court order so DH was terrified of doing anything against her will in case she refused access. It was a difficult few years. Luckily now we’re sorted, but yes I always knew I was getting in for a rough period when we got together.
In comparison, DSS is a complete joy and completes our family. My two DDS aren’t totally themselves on the weekends their big brother is at his mum’s, and the three of them together is just amazing. There are still some difficulties obviously, but yeah all in all it’s been well worth the issues we’ve been through.

I didn't know what I was getting into exactly
I think you summed it up here. You should have had an idea of what you were getting into or should have looked into it. It's the 'exactly' that wasn't there just like you can never totally get something before you experience it fully.

Christ no. I was a confident young 22 year old, with the world at my feet and my choice of men. I did, of course, pick the least suitable option - a 40 year old with 3 children aged 13, 12 and 5. 12 years later, we are still together (and have two dc together), but my god, its been hard work. The two older children lived with us for many years and I hated it. I, stupidly, did everything for them from the get go. Once id then had the children a few years later, I worked FT in stressful job and came home every day finding I was cleaning up their tissues, plates, food and clothes etc when they were 16-18, I lost the plot. Really hated it. But, we are through that now and as get on as well as I think we could.

Hell no! If I did I wouldn't have done it

No. Had I even had an inkling, I would not have gotten into this relationship. For us it’s not about the children, but sadly the high conflict nature of the EW.

We started well (as a couple away from the children). Met years after our respective separations and both were nearly divorced. Then his EXW found out about me and dealings over the children became exceptionally high conflict. Even though I hadn’t met them.

It’s been horrific. One of my friends has met a lovely guy, divorced but with an equally high conflict ex wife as my DP. They separated 5 years ago and when we were all out together he received quite a vitriolic text from his exw. He changed before our very eyes, from a relaxed easygoing, charming man. To someone visibly shaken and unable to string a sentence together. 5 years later she still has this man by the balls as a result of her ongoing conflict - all negative engagements designed to upset and provoke. I know it because I’ve lived it.

I’ve told her to run. Faster than the wind and not look back. If I could go back and do the same, I would, in a heartbeat.

That's pretty much how I feel about it. Yes I knew he had dc, but no I wasn't prepared for what life would actually look like in reality. I'm not sure how anyone would prepare for it
@Bandia - in a nutshell!
I think modern society in general sells a romanticised idea of life in general; marriage, kids, blending, christmas etc. & it's a massive shock to realise that marriages take work, parenting is really hard work, blending can be nigh on impossible & we don't all get the picture perfect Christmas/family holiday/birthday celebration we dream of. In short - love & idealism is often just not enough.
I have a good friend who after years of trying to make relationships with men who had kids work (she herself has none) took a huge step back. Subsequently she got almost pathological in her dating and would only date men who had no kids & who didn't want them (she's in her late 40's). She's now married to a man who she admits isn't her great passion but whom she respects & has many shared interests with & I've never seen her happier - the love is growing all the time between them & has space to do so as there's no children or exes involved. Whereas I once thought her to be clinical in her approach I now see how strong & farsighted she was in refusing to let her heart overrule her head.
In my own experience with sdc I went into it assuming most parents worked for the well-being of their kids & most kids wanted to see their parents happy because that's how my divorce went - even though their was alcohol & cheating involved; myself & my ex managed to stay civil throughout for the sake of the kids.
Nothing could have prepared me for the shitstorm of verbal & emotional abuse I found myself in the middle of, & how groomed my exdp's kids were in treating their dad as nothing more that a entertainer & cash machine. People who say you knew are basically clueless! I got that said to me too & I used to find it very upsetting. We eventually split as my own kids were constantly getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop & I reached a point where I just couldn't do it anymore. That being said if I'd been childless & had only myself to think of I can't be sure that I wouldn't have hung in there hoping it would have gotten better. I've love to think I'd have been as strong as my friend but I'm not sure I would have been.

Nope. If I had known exactly what would happen I would have run for the hills.

I also hate this “you knew what you were getting into” mentality that is perpetrated, especially on this step parenting board.

No. I didn’t know what I was getting into at all. I am mother of 2 DCs, I come from a huge close knit family with many children all of whom I adore and they adore me, I love my friends’ children and enjoy spending time with them.
I have so many positive relationships with children I love in my life that I thought I would have that with all children that I care about.

I wasn’t prepared for the way (some, not all) stepchildren can be manipulated by people I have no relationship with and can often act like affection and possessions are things to compete for. I had no idea how jealously can completely consume young children and how no matter how loving, kind and patient with your partner’s kids they can still be horrible to you for no reason.

I also wasn’t prepared for the fact that the decisions of a third party, who I have no involvement with and have no choice about their presence in my life, could have such a huge impact on mine and my own children’s lives.

You can’t predict these things or see them coming.

I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into. Yes I knew my DP’s DC would always be his priority and I fully expected to support that and care for his DC as well as my own, but I definitely didn’t know how hard it would be. My DP never says anything negative the mother of his DC because he’s a good man, so how was I to know she was going to be so volatile?

I don’t think if anyone knew how hard it could be would date a NRP with a difficult ex.

@SpongebobNoPants - excellent post & I could have written all that too. Like you I get on great with kids in general, especially teens, & was honestly floored by how unresponsive & ungracious exdp's were. I had literally never come across that before, not in my own family, not with my kids pals & not even with the kids I work with. Weirdly - I felt very sorry for them but parenting them was not my place or role. And yes, the lack or control in my life that came through a third party was also something I never saw coming.
And.........my exdp is also a good man & didn't badmouth his ex so I couldn't have known how bad her behaviour was. If he had 'dissed' her early on in our relationship I would have thought badly of him so what are you supposed to think/do?

@Magda72 exactly. My DP has never said anything negative about his ex, in fact when I asked about her early in our relationship he paused for a few seconds then carefully said “She won’t do anything unless she personally benefits from it”.

He was right and I’ve seen it time and time again. Everything she does “for her children” is actually for own benefit, she would never put herself out or do anything solely for them or anyone else. It’s sad really and the knock of effects of that are far reaching.
My own DCs get the brunt of DP’s DC’s jealousy because I don’t parent that way and his DC find it difficult to comprehend.

FWIW my SC's are lovely and we get on well. Ex wife also a genuinely nice person, has always put the kids first and has a friendly and civil relationship with my DH. She's nice to our DD and our wider families get on. No issues with money and shared residency.
Despite probably having the easiest ever set up - it's still been hard at times!

Sounds like your friend is a MN user.

No I didn't and like others, would never do it again and would advise anyone not in too deep to run a mile.

I think the romanticized notion of it that others have mentioned is a big part of what makes it so hard. People either assume it's this incredibly positive, lovely part of your life, and are shocked if you ever express anything negative about it, or assume you must be the devil spawn for being a step mother. Those are basically the only two representations of it in film etc, so you can see why, but it's incredibly isolating.

One thing I really struggle with on MN is the idea that your DP’s kids should always come first, about the overall happiness of the family, above your relationship, above your even your own DCs.
There is an idea that your SC are some how broken from their parents break up, but your own children aren’t and everyone should bend to the point of near snapping to accommodate them.

I find it utterly bizarre

above*

I definitely didn’t know what I was getting into.
I don’t have any children of my own either.
If I had known, I would’ve thought twice or three times - for sure.

It’s easy for people to judge and give their opinions but they will never know what it feels like.
Your friend sounds unhelpful and perhaps should keep her thoughts to herself.
There is no way you could’ve known how difficult step parenting is, until you have to deal day to day with a child that’s not yours.

It wasn't a situation I entered into lightly and I thought it through very carefully.

Even so, I don't think anyone can be fully prepared for being a SP.

The dynamics are so variable (ages of the children, your partner's relationship with their ex, contact arrangements etc etc) that there's no "template" or "manual" that you can refer to.

That also makes it very easy for people to tell you what you are doing wrong as there is no agreement on what doing it right looks like!

As a pp said my biggest gripes are the perception that you should never criticise/disciple SC and that their needs are paramount to every other person in the family - essentially the viewpoint that the life of a SP should be one of utter self sacrifice.

The irony of this position is that it's unsustainable and doomed to failure for all involved, moreover it teaches SC a model of life that's detrimental to them insofar in the big wide world the sun will not revolve around them and they will be expected to compromise within relationships.

I've been lucky and my experience of being a SP has been largely positive but it's not always been easy and I've faced quite a few situations that I don't think anyone could have predicted/prepared for.

Your friend is a twat.

When someone finds parenting their own child hard work does anyone tell them they knew what they were getting into?

Exactly this.

It’s such a shitty thing to say and doesn’t even make sense.

One thing I really struggle with on MN is the idea that your DP’s kids should always come first, about the overall happiness of the family, above your relationship, above your even your own DCs.

Yep. Everyone must work around the SC but the SC should never ever budge for anybody.

There is an idea that your SC are some how broken from their parents break up, but your own children aren’t and everyone should bend to the point of near snapping to accommodate them.

It’s annoying af because people seem to think children of separated families need over compensating for and that those children are always the ones who “lose out”. They can’t fathom that children who live with both parents might actually have a bad life. My children are much happier now that I’m not with their dad anymore, and their older sibling has had separated parents for the past 10 years now. Always had a happy, full life and never short of anything. My children on the other hand had a half life which is now improving. So it really fucking annoys me when people automatically assume children of together parents have the super amazing life while the child of separated parents is the one suffering and absolutely everybody’s world must revolve around them.

One thing I find so frustrating is that a stepmum cannot do normal everyday things with/for her own children unless she always factors in the stepchildren too and does the exact same for them. People forget that these children already have a mum.