Did you 'know what you were getting into'?

[Bandia]

I'm curious. I was having a chat with a friend about our blended family situation. Nothing dramatic, just that with 2 sets of kids at different ages homeschooling is involving a lot of brain gear changes for me to switch between them as they're at hugely different levels (primary and secondary). Dp and I are also finding it difficult to decipher what work his dc have done at their dms house, and what needs to be done at ours. And also just the general logistics of a blended family.

My friend said that I knew what I was getting into when I continued seeing dp, and moved in together.

I disagree. Even taking the pandemic out of it, I didn't know what I was getting into exactly. I think the idea of step-parenting, blended families, however you want to word it, is very, very different from the reality. So, did anyone know what they were getting into?

I'm not sure why my considered choices are a cause for that kind of response @TrustTheGeneGenie. This is a forum for open discussion between adults

Yes, it is. I'm openly discussing the point that I don't think you know what you're on about and you've just come here to put people down.

I didn't. I never thought my SS aged 23 would be still dossing around like a teenager, refusing to sign on, never mind get a job.
I blame his father.

@palebluefringe
It was hard to miss it when she stopped contact altogether after finding out about me (we had been dating the best part of a year at this point, completely separate from his time with DSD) after they had seemingly been co-parenting rather well together. He wouldn’t eat or do anything for days, just lay in a darkened room staring at the ceiling. In between outbursts where he called his ex every cunt under the sun. He was like a wounded animal.

Having been reassured and impressed since the beginning of our relationship by how they seemed to come and go with each other, respect each other, work together really well for DSDs sake I can tell you, once again, that no I did not see this coming and know what I was getting into.
That was a few years ago now and to be perfectly honest the only thing that’s certain is that I don’t know what the next phase is going to be.

The current phase is that ex can’t seem to leave DSD with us enough, because finally she seems to be moving on and getting a life. The next phase could be that she splits with the new boyfriend and becomes all bitter again that DH is happily married with two other kids. Who knows? Not me and not anyone.

@palebluefringe but you've essentially described circumstances that meant that you, personally, did have first hand experience of dating a man with kids who made it clear to you that it was fraught and upsetting. I am saying not everyone has that.

I think there are lots of reasons a man might not reveal much about that part of his life without it necessarily meaning he doesn't care about his kids - he might find it too upsetting to talk about, or not want to put their partner off, or he might be the type of man that just doesn't open up much about his inner "angst". Lord knows there are a lot of men like that. But the fact remains that as a result of that, it is very easy for young suckers without any experience of raising children to not actually realise the level of conflict and unhappiness that is in their partner's life, or about to enter their life, before they're in deep.

And that's purely just touching on difficulties related to how the contact arrangement would affect you, without going into how little you can be prepared for how the children would actually behave and respond to you, or how the ex might act. Even if your partner did reveal how much the centre of his universe his kids were, and how little space he would have left for you, he's hardly likely to tell you that his children are really challenging and will be really unpleasant to you.

The partner of one of my closet friends could have written your post @sassbott. He chose to continue with the relationship knowing this behaviour was a feature of my friends life from the get go. So he would never say he didn't know what he was getting into. It may be in your case that the ex was perfectly reasonable at the start and by the time this behaviour started you didn't want to back away.

It's an awful situation, I've seen the damage it's caused to my friend.

I'm not putting anyone down. I'm challenging viewpoints based on my own approach and experience. And "bully for you" really adds to the debate, doesn't it.

I agree with you re the "young suckers" @aSofaNearYou, but question those with more life experience coming into this situation.

@palebluefringe it’s been horrific. And no it didn’t start this way. In the beginning (as many others have said) my DP would say his EW was a good mother. She appeared completely reasonable and I had no reason to believe what would follow.

What it has done has stop me from formalising any part of our relationship. That in itself has caused its own problems. The only thing that has kept me working at it is how much time we have committed to this and the fact that the children (his children who are completely innocent in the messed up games) are attached to me. And vice versa.

Should I give up on everything because I should have known what I was getting into? And my world pivot around my DP’s DC and the conflict with his EW? And not complain about it?

More conversations / awareness are needed about these issues. Not less. More understanding. Not shouting down and minimising of the issues.

No. You're dismissing everyone else's actual real life experience and telling us what we should have expected.

Parents have a responsibility that step parents don't and go in knowing this

And funnily enough after a while they suddenly become the stepparent’s responsibilities too.
Suddenly you’re expected to do things like be the default childcare provider during school holidays because you’ll be off and everyone wants you to be super excited about it.

I'm not dismissing anyone's real life experience - that's impossible to do, they experienced what they experienced. I'm saying their approach could have been more cautious.

No. You're being dismissing saying things like "I find it incredible how" as if we're all thick as shit or something.

It is impossible to know exactly what might happen through the course of any relationship. I didn't go into mine thinking it would be easy but I could have never known how hard it would actually be. So many things have happened I didn't even consider. Things change. People change.

I'm not minimising the issues @sassbott. I've witnessed how horrific they are first hand. I've been involved with the police in my friends case. My point is about awareness when entering a relationship with a parent. Irrespective of what is known at that point, a broken relationship with kids involved is an immediate complication. I think a rewind to the OP is helpful, the situation described in that is stressful but relatively benign compared to others. So could the OP have known that there'd likely be confusion over who has done what where with a blended family? Yes. She was already a mother herself

Your situation is at the extreme end and utterly awful for you

If sorry if I've got a nerve @TrustTheGeneGenie but I do find it incredible.

You've got a nerve yes. You've not hit one no matter how hard you've tried.

It's really not incredible considering most people DO consider that it probably won't be a walk in the park. They still don't know exactly how hard it could be. Same with anything in life.

I think your language says otherwise @TrustTheGeneGenie, unless that's how you usually articulate

What? Oh I'm sorry for daring to disagree with you about something I have experience of and you don't!

No, I find it unpleasant to engage with that sort of language in an otherwise civilised discussion.

What sort of language?

Sorry but I find it unpleasant that you've come on this thread to tell us all what we should've done and how "incredible" you find it all.

More conversations / awareness are needed about these issues. Not less. More understanding. Not shouting down and minimising of the issues.

Couldn't agree more. This is exactly why statements like the one from OPs friend are so damaging.

Shutting people down by saying it's their fault as they should have known better shames people out of openly discussing how hard this can be, which would otherwise lead to more general awareness for others to benefit from.

Most people would assume that the DCs welfare would be given priority. So the new SP most likely would expect that too.
But with the number of acrimonious divorces that take place it is very obvious that the DCs interests are not coming first. That the jealousy and anger of the divorcing couple are taking precedence. And that can continue for many years.

@palebluefringe I appreciate the point you’re trying to make that it should be glaringly obvious that entering into a relationship with a parent is going to have many obstacles but you simply can’t expect anyone to preempt the emotions / complications / conflicts / etc that are experienced by actually living it. As a PP said, you can apply this to all types of life decisions - marriage, having children, emigrating...

Absolutely you don't know - especially if you haven't had children yourself but even if you have, being a step parent is fucking hard work sometimes

It applies to me too @MellowBird85. I moved in with a man who was recently widowed after 2 dates. I divorced him 14 years later, spent 13 years more with him than I should have. I knew the risks of moving in with a grieving man I barely knew, but I was looking for stability, so I took them. The gamble didn't pay off. That's entirely on me.